You're the One That I Want (24 page)

‘Life’s been very different, that’s for sure,’ I nodded.

‘I bet Robert can’t wait to get the crew back together.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ he agreed, seeming to relax.

‘So what are your plans? For after?’

‘We haven’t really talked about it yet,’ I said, purposely being vague to end the conversation there.

‘What would you like?’ Alice asked Robert.

‘I’d love us all to move to London. Maybe get a little flat or something.’

‘Really?’ I asked, in as bright a tone as I could muster, giving him a little warning look.

‘Well, it’s something we always talked about when we were younger, you know, moving in together as a trio …’ he shrugged, trailing off, unable to hold eye contact with me.

‘We haven’t talked about that for years,’ laughed Ben nervously, clearly as thrown as I was. ‘I’ve no idea what I’ll be doing …’

It was something that we had talked about a lot, but only when we were incredibly young – mostly before me and Robert had even started dating. It was a topic that, especially once we knew we were going to different universities, had been dropped. None of us knew realistically what the future was going to bring, we hadn’t even talked about what came after our scrolls of paper were handed out at graduation.

Alice continued to push the idea, much to my discomfort.

‘Are you telling me that if Rob found you all an awesome pad somewhere amazing you’d give up the opportunity to live with your two bestest buds? As if!’ she laughed, looking at us as though we’d gone mad.

‘I guess it depends on a few things, and besides, things change,’ I smiled, hoping that the conversation would be dropped. In the end I decided to turn the topic of our futures back onto her – it seemed the safest way to stop me losing my rag. ‘What about you, Alice? What are you going to do?’

‘Well, I’m from Essex so I’ll probably be heading back over that way. I’ve always fancied getting a place somewhere more central, though. Plus, most magazines and stuff are based in London, so it makes sense for me to be there.’

I glanced over at Ben to see him nervously looking around the bowling alley.

‘We should probably play the next game,’ he said, looking at his watch. ‘We’ve not got long left!’

‘I’m gonna kick arse this time,’ giggled Alice. ‘I can tell!’

‘Good luck with that,’ laughed Robert politely, clearly relieved to be getting back on his feet and away from the conversation.

As soon as we’d said goodbye to Ben and Alice and got into his car, Robert turned to me with his eyebrows raised.

‘So, what do you think?’ he asked, popping on his seatbelt.

‘She’s adorable.’

I really meant it too, even if it was painful for me to admit. Alice was bubbly and sparkly – a pleasure to spend time with. I understood what Ben saw in her, although I’d been shocked to see how different she was to me. We weren’t alike in any way – appearance or personality. It bothered me and I couldn’t put my finger on why – I hadn’t expected a carbon copy, but I had thought she’d have a least a few qualities in common with me. In reality, I felt decidedly average around her, which irked me after Ben had made me feel so special.

‘Ben seems really happy,’ Robert added, starting the engine and pulling out of the parking space.

‘Yeah.’

‘I was really nervous about seeing him.’

‘Really?’

‘You know how protective he is over you – I half expected him to lamp me one.’

‘He wouldn’t do that,’ I half laughed, half squeaked, in shock.

‘You never know …’

‘Things were fine, though, right?’

‘I don’t know. He seemed a little distant at first.’

‘What, when you guys were jumping all over each other like apes?’ I tried to joke.

‘No, after that. When we were stood at the counter, it was like he had something on his mind. Maybe that’s just me reading too much into it, looking for signs that something was wrong,’ he frowned, nibbling on his lower lip.

‘Must be,’ I muttered.

It was possible that, like me, Ben had struggled with us all being together and acting as though everything was
normal. It was also likely that being stood next to Robert once again had reminded him of our betrayal.

‘He didn’t say much about us all moving in together, did he?’

‘None of us did really …’

‘Do you reckon he wants to?’

‘We haven’t even decided what we’re doing yet.’

‘I know, but I assumed –’

‘We’ve been through a lot lately, Rob,’ I snapped.

I hated myself for saying that, especially as I’d not said it purely because I was still angry at him, more because I wanted him to drop the subject, at least until I could figure out a good reason for us not to live together. There was, after all, no way I was going to be able to live with both Robert and Ben. Just the thought of us all under the same roof was enough to make me feel queasy. The idea was completely inconceivable.

‘But we’re fine now, aren’t we?’ Robert asked with sadness. We hadn’t even made our way out of the car park yet, he was still trying to work his way around its one-way system.

I looked ahead as I thought about his question. ‘I hope we will be, but things take time. You can’t just magic us back to normal. Too much has happened,’ I exhaled.

‘Yeah,’ he nodded sadly, my words deflating him.

‘Anyway, I’m sure Ben won’t want to live with us when we’re in the midst of coming through all of that,’ I reasoned.

‘I guess so …’

He pulled over and turned to me, gently taking my hand in his.

‘You know how sorry I am about the whole thing, Maddy,’ he said softly. His face was a picture of regret and sorrow, as his eyes searched mine. ‘I love you with my whole heart. It’ll never ever happen again. No one else could hate me more than I do for it. I was an absolute jerk.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said dismissively, annoyed that we were talking about his mistake once more.

‘It does because I hurt you. I was wrong,’ he persevered, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing it. ‘I want you and me to live together, Mad. It’s that simple.’

He pulled my hands into his chest and cradled my arms, causing my body to lean towards his. He kissed my lips softly.

It was the first time he’d kissed me since his confession, and the simple gesture made me feel overwhelmingly sad, reminding me of the love we’d shared and were close to throwing away. I knew there was something special, comfortable and loving between us – I just had to allow him to work his way through that barrier I’d built so that I could start seeing it again.

After our interesting double date, I walked Alice the short distance back to hers. Her front door was already in view when she turned to me and asked me in.

‘Is it wise?’ I asked, not wanting to take advantage. Up until that point we’d still been trying to keep things respectable by going on dates and getting to know each other properly. Not only was Alice a welcome distraction from other things that were going on, she was also great to be around. She lightened my mood and made the world seem like a less complicated, happier place. I wouldn’t say she made me forget, but she certainly made me think about the Maddy situation a lot less.

‘I think, now that we’re several dates in, we can resume where we started,’ she said with a cheeky grin.

‘Oh, really?’

‘Or, if you don’t fancy that, we could chill on the sofa, watch a movie …’ she teased.

‘Your first offer was a bit more tempting, but I’ll take either.’

I excitedly followed her inside.

She’d been wonderful that afternoon, full of all the charm and warmth that had attracted me to her in the first
place. I needed to see her like that around Robert and Maddy, I needed to see that I had someone of my own who was special at last.

‘So, do you think they like me?’ she asked, once we were in her room and lying on her bed, facing each other – one of her housemates that I didn’t know was watching TV in the lounge, so we’d decided to go up to her room instead – well, that was our excuse, anyway, but we both knew that was where we preferred to be.

‘They loved you.’

That was definitely true of Robert, who wasted no time in leaning in and telling me how fit he thought she was, although later on he’d also winked at me whenever Alice did something funny or cute – she’d effortlessly won him over. As for Maddy, well, I’d watched her around Alice, I wanted to gauge her reaction for some reason – see how she responded to me being there with someone else. She seemed fascinated by her and watched her keenly for most of the afternoon with intrigue. I was surprised Alice had failed to notice.

‘You sure?’

‘What’s not to love?’

‘Whoa there, tiger, with the love talk!’ she giggled.

Putting my hands on her hips, I pulled her on top of me and gave her a kiss.

‘Before we get carried away … I have something for you,’ she said, untangling herself from me as she pulled a large present from the side of her bed, offering it to me with a smirk.

‘What’s this?’ I asked her, looking at the neatly wrapped gift and juggling it around, trying to work out
what it was – it was soft and made no sound when I shook it; I had no idea what she was giving me.

‘It’s only something small,’ she shrugged. ‘I just thought it would make you smile.’

I tore apart the blue wrapping paper to find a koala onesie and couldn’t stop myself from grinning as I kissed her once more to say thank you. It was the most thoughtful gift I’d ever received, I couldn’t help but be blown away by the gesture.

‘You really are the cutest little thing,’ I said, cupping her face with my hands.

‘Why, thank you! Once you experience the joy of this onesie, I swear it’ll be hard to get you out of it.’

‘Oh, but I hope you’ll try.’

‘Ben!’ she squealed with laughter, giving me a playful slap on the arm.

‘I’m joking … sort of. Seriously, though, thank you. It’s so sweet of you.’

‘Not really, it just gives me an excuse to wear my onesie around you and not feel stupid.’

‘Ooh, ulterior motives, Miss Turner?’

‘Made sense for when you finally managed to make your way back into my bedroom.’

‘Crafty.’

As we sat there grinning at each other a thought popped into my head. ‘Actually, Alice, I have to go home next weekend, for Maddy’s dad’s fiftieth. Fancy coming?’

If I’d spent a little more time thinking about it I’d probably have concluded it was a bad idea, but I hadn’t. Sitting in front of her, basking in her sunshine, it seemed like a perfect idea.

‘I can’t just turn up uninvited.’

‘I’m inviting you.’

‘You can’t do that.’

‘I can, I was given a plus one on the invite.’

‘But I don’t know anyone.’

‘Alice, I’m trying to ask you to come home with me and meet my mum, would you not make it so difficult?’

‘Oh! I forgot she’d be there,’ she giggled. ‘I’d love to.’

Every social event, ever since Maddy and Robert had become an item, had turned into me being asked a million questions about my love life, which ultimately would turn into me being given sympathetic looks and told not to worry because ‘it’ll happen’ if I just ‘hang in there’. That’s a whole five years of being made to feel like I was on the reject pile when it came to love.

I wasn’t prepared to receive the same treatment yet again, as I watched Maddy and Robert act all loved up, as though the past few weeks had never happened. I’d decided I was going to have someone wonderful on my arm to avoid the glum chat. To make me feel like an equal and, hopefully, to help me enjoy what would otherwise be a very dreary night.

I knew Maddy wouldn’t be overjoyed, but hoped she’d be able to understand that I couldn’t just watch her walk away from me. I had to occupy myself – keep my heart busy.

The weekend after our double date, we all went back to Peaswood. It was my dad’s fiftieth birthday and a big party had been planned to celebrate. The hall in our local community club had been booked, a mullet-coiffed DJ hired and a few dozen blue and silver helium balloons had been puffed up for decoration.

After all the drama of the previous weeks I had been thrilled to be going home, back to familiar surroundings where everything was once so simple. However, our calm little house had been taken over for the weekend and turned into chaotic madness. With distant relatives invading us to share in the celebrations, there was a battle over the bathrooms, hairdryers and any tiny little space as we all fought to get ourselves ready for the party.

At seven twenty-five on the dot, once my hair was in a high bun and I’d managed to squeeze myself into my floor-length emerald dress, the taxis arrived. As the rest of the family cascaded into the waiting cars, Mum turned to me with her hand on her forehead.

‘I completely miscalculated how many of us there were.’

‘Huh?’ I frowned, slipping my feet into my heels. ‘I’ll just squeeze in the back.’

‘No, the driver won’t allow that. You wait here and I’ll send someone back for you.’

‘But, Mum …’ I whined, hating the idea of being left behind and having to turn up on my own.

‘That way I can check everything’s okay with the hall before everyone else arrives. Thanks, love,’ she flustered, before giving me a kiss on the cheek and running out the door.

Rather bemused, I sat on the stairs and waited.

After about five minutes, the doorbell rang. I opened it to find Robert, looking dashing in a grey suit, his blond hair slicked back into a stylish quiff. Somehow, despite all the recent events and how much he’d hurt me, he still managed to take my breath away.

‘Did Mum send you?’ I asked, reaching for my clutch bag.

‘Not quite.’

‘What do you mean … did you ask her to leave me behind?’

‘Maybe,’ he smiled, looking nervous, still wary of how I might act around him. ‘I just thought it would be nice to go together. We’ve not had a night out like this since, well, I think it was our sixth-form ball.’

‘I guess not.’

‘This is for you,’ he offered, pulling a corsage from behind his back. A thick row of gorgeous pearled beads made up the band, on to which was attached a deep red rose. ‘May I?’ he asked, gesturing for my wrist.

I couldn’t help but smile then. It was exactly the same as the corsage he’d given me on the night of our ball three years before, when he had, again, picked me up from my doorstep and escorted me.

‘This is very nice,’ I smiled, appreciating the effort.

‘Thank you,’ he said softly, looking bashful.

Once the house was locked up, I took hold of his arm and let him lead me to the taxi, where he opened and closed the door for me like a gentleman.

As the car started moving and we sat in silence with our hands entwined, I felt closer to Robert than I had in weeks. I shut my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, allowing myself to enjoy the warmth I’ll admit I’d begun to miss.

The car stopped sooner than I expected. To my dismay I opened my eyes to find we were outside Ben’s house. Not only was he walking towards the car, but so was Alice – something I was completely unprepared for.

The joy I’d been experiencing suddenly vanished, I was back to the same unsettled feeling I’d had before I’d come home. Despite the effort he was making, I instantly became angry at Robert for not realizing he should have just kept it as the two of us.

After a courteous hello to Ben and Alice, I stayed quiet for the rest of the ten-minute journey, I sulked in the corner, allowing my frustrations to rise dramatically.

Needless to say, Ben’s arrival at the party with Alice managed to get dozens of tongues wagging as our families speculated over the significance of it. They cooed over whether she could she be ‘the one’, like Ben’s love life was some sort of prophecy to be fulfilled. It was all anyone wanted to talk about.

And they played quite the perfect couple. Ben had stuck by her side all night, taking care that she always had a drink in her hand, was introduced to everyone, and that they
had fun on the dance floor – watching them slow dance together was excruciating. It felt as though Ben was flaunting his new relationship, letting me know that he was fine. He’d found someone else. Someone better. It hurt to be so easily and quickly replaced. And yes, I liked Alice. I thought she was a lovely girl, but I didn’t want her perfectness to be rammed down my throat and to have all our parents talk about how great she was and how happy Ben looked.

Robert tried to continue being the gentleman he’d shown me at the start of the night, and was, to his credit, just as attentive as Ben was with Alice, but I rebuked and rebuffed every advance as I found fault with his every move. I became a grump for the rest of the night. I snapped at Robert more than was necessary, and generally walked around like I had a huge thunderous cloud above my head, threatening to strike him with a bolt of lightning whenever he irritated me. I’m surprised he remained by my side and didn’t run for the door.

Unfortunately for me, when I snapped at him because he hadn’t noticed his shoelace was undone (it seemed like a massive deal at the time), my mum overheard. She leaned over to me as though she was giving me a motherly embrace, but her hand clamped on my arm with a little too much pressure to be comforting.

‘I don’t know what’s got into you, young lady, but snap out of it,’ she hissed through her teeth, continuing to smile at the other guests who were looking in our direction. They were unaware that Mum was telling off her twenty-one-year-old daughter who was, I’ll confess, acting like a five-year-old … and a spoilt brat.

The rest of the night wasn’t much of an improvement – my mood stayed dark and stroppy, something that wasn’t helped by me watching Ben and Alice like a crazy, unhinged stalker. I tried my best to avoid any conversations with our family friends and relatives, preferring to sit in the dark festering in my self-pity.

I hated Robert for shagging some slutty stranger whilst blowing apart our version of perfect and for thinking so little of me as he did so.

I hated Ben for ripping open my heart and then leaving it to bleed while he gaily sauntered around with his new girlfriend.

But mostly, I hated myself for not having the answers to make everything better.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in the jovial mood required for parties.

Unfortunately for me and my new friend, the-big-black-cloud-of-doom, my room had been given away to family for the night, with Mum and Carol planning for me to stay with Robert. For once I wished our mums were stricter about us sharing a bed at home.

As soon as we got back to his box room I got into my nightie, curled up under the sheets and pretended to be fast sleep.

I’m not sure whether he knew I was faking or not, but after he’d got into bed and turned out the light, he faced me and let out a desperate sigh.

‘I love you so much, Maddy,’ he whispered.

I said nothing, but kept my eyes clamped shut.

‘All I wanted to do tonight was remind you of a happier time, before I screwed everything up … I guess I failed.’

His breathing became erratic then. I’m not sure whether he had a lump in his throat or whether he was actually crying, but I wished he’d stop. It wasn’t just him who’d failed us. I had too.

‘I made a mistake. A stupid, horrible, mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. I don’t want to lose you. I couldn’t bear that. You know, I’d do anything for you to forgive me, Mad. Just tell me how I can make that happen …’

It took a whole lot of stubbornness for me not to blub at his words. I was aware of how I was treating him and was annoyed at myself for being a complete cow as I tried to push him away – perhaps as a means to find atonement for my own mistakes. I still don’t understand why Robert allowed me to treat him in the way I did, or why he didn’t pull me up on my behaviour and tell me I was being unfair. He was probably scared of what might have happened if he did. I can’t blame him for that.

The morning after the party I made my way downstairs while Robert was still asleep, hoping to make a quick escape back to mine. Instead, I was stopped by Carol. She appeared from the kitchen as though she’d been waiting for me, looking like she’d been up for hours with her short blonde hair perfectly set and her make-up reapplied.

‘Want to come have a cuppa before you leave, Maddy?’

‘Well, I really should be making a move, I’ve got to drive back today …’

‘Come on, five minutes won’t hurt. It would be good to sit and have a chat with you. I never get to see much of you any more.’

Guilt-tripped into it, I agreed.

‘But I really can’t stay long,’ I warned.

Placed on the kitchen counter was a pot of tea, two mugs, a jug of milk and a bowl of sugar, and a basket of warm croissants and Danishes, confirming my earlier suspicion that she’d been waiting for me. Carol placed an apricot Danish (my favourite) on a plate and slid it in front of me before pouring us both some tea.

Feeling tentative, I pulled the pastry apart and nibbled on it slowly, anything to fill the silence that fell upon us. I could feel Carol looking at me, I knew she wanted to say something. I guessed she’d realized something was up with Robert and me and that she was trying to find out what. Carol was quite a nosy mum when she wanted to be – all our mums were. They always wanted to know exactly what was going on in our lives and to add their two pence worth to any situation, even if we hadn’t asked for their advice. My plan was to act dumb, pretend she’d picked up on nothing and to dismiss the whole thing.

‘Robert told me about what’s been going on lately,’ she sighed.

‘Oh.’

Well, that completely threw me. Robert was always a high-achiever, a child for his parents to be proud of. I was surprised he’d risked denting that wonderful reputation by confessing to his mum, a woman who had often been very vocal with her thoughts on married men who strayed. You should have heard her talk about Ben’s dad – he might as well have been the devil himself the way she went on.

‘I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed, but I’m glad he told
me – that he’s owning up to his mistake,’ she said, shaking her head before hesitantly continuing. ‘The thing is, Maddy, and I’m sorry to butt in like this …’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I saw the way you two were together last night. You and Robert.’

‘I was just drunk,’ I shrugged, with a lie. I hadn’t touched a drop all night, it was the only way I could be sure I wouldn’t say or do anything I’d end up regretting. It clearly hadn’t worked, but I could only imagine the fall-out if I’d had a drink or two to boot.

‘Were you?’ she asked, busying herself by pouring two sugars into her tea and giving it a good stir.

I stared into my mug and longed for the chat to be over. Getting pulled up for my bad behaviour by my own mum was bad enough, but having Robert’s mum do it too was agony.

‘I’m not saying you’re wrong to punish him, not at all. What I’m thinking, Maddy, is that you have to either forgive him and move on, and try and make things work, or you don’t.’

‘It’s not that simple,’ I muttered.

Of course, Carol had told me off with the boys when we were younger for our general naughtiness, but that was always as a collective, I’d never been singled out. I knew she was talking to me in her kitchen because of the appalling way I’d been treating her son. I couldn’t help but be sheepish. I didn’t blame her for getting involved, though. After all, I’m sure any mum would be protective over their son. I knew she just wanted to help talk some sense into the situation.

‘Oh, I know that. Believe me, every relationship goes through its testing times. It happens to the best of us.’

I looked up to see Carol raising her eyebrows at me, giving me a precarious smile.

It was a rather unsubtle hint that something scandalous had happened between her and Richard at some point in their marriage, although she failed to give any further information on when, which of them, or who with. She knew she’d made her point just by alluding to it – even couples who might appear to be perfectly close and happy go through their fair share of troubles. It also explained, if Richard were the guilty party, why she had such a strong reaction to others who’d done the same.

‘It’s how you pull through it all, darling, that lets you know whether what you have is worth saving or not. But you’ve got to be willing to try, otherwise there’s no point in putting either of you through further heartache.’

‘It’s just difficult.’

‘Relationships are hard work,’ she nodded, agreeing with me. ‘And, sadly, getting into trouble and jeopardizing what you have is far too easy in comparison. But I know my son, Maddy. He’s made his mistake. He won’t be making another one. You’ve got to learn to trust him again.’

‘I just don’t know how to begin to do that.’

‘Patience, love and understanding will take you a long way.’

I cried then. Again! Years of growing up with boys had meant crying was hardly ever an option, but in those couple of months it seemed I’d lost all control of my tear ducts. They wept freely.

As Carol walked around the counter and put her arms
around me, I knew I had to release the anger that had been floating around inside of me. What was done was done. There was no going back and changing it. I had to move forward. Forgive Robert. Forgive myself.

The world had not decided to stop and grace me with some thinking time, it had, instead, pushed on and presented us with Alice. I knew that I had to move forward, I just needed to work out how. I needed to focus on what I did have, rather than what I didn’t – just like I’d promised Pearl I would do the week before.

Robert wasn’t Ben, but nor did I want him to be. He had a million of his own qualities that had made me happily fall in love with him all those years before. It became apparent in my mind that I needed to remind myself what they were, and be grateful for the amazing guy I had in my life.