You're the One That I Want (20 page)

The following Tuesday, once my lectures were finished for the day, I took myself off to the library to study. I wasn’t able to get any work done in my room, the sight of it reminding me of the weekend’s activities, so I thought sitting alongside other students hard at work might inspire me. It turned out to be fairly quiet in there – although that wasn’t too surprising seeing as the sun had decided to grace us with its presence. I’m sure most students had opted to ‘study’ in the sunshine while they topped up their tans instead of sitting in the gloomy library, staring vacantly at a computer screen.

I was at a huge study desk on my own when Maddy came and sat down next to me. I didn’t even have to look up to know it was her, the smell of her perfume, Ghost’s Deep Night, gave her away, the sweet scent drifting in before she had. It was something that had always lifted my spirits, but on that occasion it made me squirm in my seat.

It was the first time we’d seen each other since she’d
stayed at mine. It was going to be an awkward encounter, after all – I assumed she was about to break my heart and let me down gently as she told me she was back with Robert, so I braced myself.

What took me by surprise was her mood – I could tell she was pissed off at something. Her breathing was heavy, as though she was trying to keep herself calm. Her face was flushed with what appeared to be anger. She swung the chair around so that she was facing me.

I struggled to look back at her.

‘Did you sleep with Roger’s housemate?’ she asked in a quiet voice, her eyes darting around the room to make sure no one could hear us.

I was stumped.

I knew we were in dire need of a serious chat and that being with her again was going to be gut-wrenching, but I hadn’t expected that curveball to be thrown into the mix. I was thinking it would be more of an explanation from her as to what had happened after she’d left mine and ran back into Robert’s arms, forgetting that I even existed, along with some kind of apology – or possibly even making sure I wasn’t about to tell Robert about that night now that they were staying together, just in case the guilt ever got hold of me and made me want to confess all. Those were the two scenarios that had run through my head as possible first conversations post ‘that night’. Alice hadn’t factored into it at all.

‘Erm …’

‘No point denying it. I’ve just bumped into him.’

‘Who?’

‘Roger.’

‘Right.’

‘Have you known her long?’ she asked briskly, her tone thick with spite – I’d never heard her voice sound like that before, it was startling.

‘No, I’ve just seen her around a few times. We’ve never actually spoken before,’ I shrugged, suddenly feeling like a kid being reprimanded by their mother.

‘Good to know she’s someone you really care about,’ she said sarcastically. ‘Do you remember texting me?’

‘No.’

‘Well you did, telling me how much you loved me. Actually, I’m surprised you could bring yourself to tell me that while you were with her – I never knew you were such a multi-tasker,’ she cackled.

I shifted uncomfortably. I did remember contacting her. I was still in the pub at that point. I’d been in the middle of sending my fifth and final message when Roger had called. I probably wouldn’t have answered the call otherwise, but I’d picked it up by accident. I could also remember the drunken voicemail I’d left as I stumbled through town on my way to his house. They were all messages declaring my love, but I’d been unable to hide my sorrow in them, or my disappointment – luckily I couldn’t remember exactly what I’d said. I was embarrassed enough at having contacted her so desperately.

‘At least I know why you’ve been ignoring my calls since,’ she added.

‘Maddy, I’m sor –’

‘And to think I actually believed you,’ she interrupted, her eyes squinting at me in disbelief.

‘Stop it,’ I begged.

‘That I told you I loved you, that we almost …’ She hesitated as she once again glanced around the room. ‘… slept together. You told me you loved me.’

‘I do.’

‘So what happened?’

‘What do you think happened?’

‘Wow. I meant that much to you that within twenty-four hours you were sticking your cock into someone else.’

‘Maddy!’ I was shocked by the vulgarity of her tone, the explicitness of her language and the anger raging within her – wasn’t I meant to be the angry one in that situation? Wasn’t it me who had been royally screwed over by her?

‘What happened? Once you got all those feelings out, you decided you didn’t care as much as you thought you had? Or was I that much of a disappointment when you finally got me naked?’ Her eyes bored into me, demanding a response. ‘Well?’

I had nothing to give – no reason and no excuse.

‘You’ve made a fool of me, Ben.’

‘I haven’t,’ I protested, shaking my head at her words.

‘You’ve made me feel like a complete mug. There I was thinking about you, about us, thinking about how we might be able to make this work, while all the time you were in bed with –’

‘No, there you were, reconciling with Robert, Maddy. Don’t try and play the martyr here, because you’re really not,’ I spat, taking the bait and allowing myself to be riled. ‘So let’s talk about that, shall we? Let’s talk about how hours after you left me in my bed you were patching things up with Robert.’

She brought her hands up to her face in horror, her bullish façade slipping as tears sprang to her eyes. She shook her head profusely.

‘I was trying to think things through,’ she said helplessly.

‘By getting back with Robert?’ I scoffed.

‘I didn’t know what to do.’

‘Seems like you made up your mind pretty quickly to me. It didn’t take you long to forgive him.’

‘I didn’t …’

I sat silently as she tried to piece together her words. I couldn’t look her in the eye. Instead, I focused on her hands in her lap, her fingers wriggling in discomfort, wringing the loose material on her skirt. She looked lost. All I wanted to do was embrace her and take that feeling away. In all our years of friendship I’d never been the cause of Maddy’s tears, I’d always been the one to mop them up and make her feel better. It was agonizing to sit and watch her struggle.

‘It’s not that simple …’ is all she managed before trailing off.

‘From where I’m sat, it really is,’ I said calmly.

‘But I love you …’ she mumbled as a tear escaped and fell onto her lap.

Her words gave me little pleasure.

‘Did you tell him?’

‘Of course not. I wouldn’t …’ she said, shaking her head, a sob rising from her mouth.

I took hold of her hand then, I couldn’t resist it, my thumb rubbed the back of it.

In return she squeezed my hand.

Three times.

The gesture shocked me. Rebuked me into pulling my hands away.

‘Maddy,’ I sighed, my patience wavering slightly. ‘I don’t know what you want from me. You know how I feel. I opened up to you, finally told you everything I’ve ever wanted to say, but you’re back with Robert. You clearly don’t feel that love back.’

‘But I do!’

‘You have a boyfriend.’

‘And?’

‘That’s a pretty big “and” right there.’

‘Are you going to see her again?’

‘Who? Alice? I dunno, I hadn’t thought about it. I might. Why not?’ I shrugged, confused as to why she was bringing up Alice – it seemed insignificant in the circumstances.

Defiantly, I wondered why there should even be a problem if I were to see Alice again. Maddy was back with Robert, leaving me on my own, once again. It seemed unfair that I’d be doomed to watching the two of them all loved up as though nothing had happened. Surely, I told myself, it was time for me to have someone of my own – someone to stop me from focusing on what I couldn’t have.

‘Right …’

‘It makes no sense to just hang around, you know?’

‘Yeah …’

‘Now I know where I stand with you, that is,’ I said. I loitered on that sentence for a while, offering a spot for her to interject and protest, but she didn’t. I ploughed on.
‘To be honest, Maddy, for the sake of our friendship and for Robert, I kind of think we should just forget it ever happened. It was only one night after all. We can put it all down to the drink and heightened emotions.’

The expression on her face as she looked up at me was one I’d never forget – one of shock, sorrow and disbelief. As though my words had literally slapped her across the face and simultaneously ripped out her heart.

‘If that’s what you want …’ she muttered, looking back down at her hands.

I shrugged in reply, hating myself as I did it, not fully understanding why I was pushing her away so viciously. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.

‘Oh …’ she looked as though she was going to say more, but decided against it.

My heart ached as she got up and walked away from me.

If only falling out of love was as easy as falling in it.

If only being with the girl I loved was as easy as all the songs on the radio insisted.

A day later the emails began. All the things that weren’t said, that maybe we couldn’t say face to face, written in safety from behind a computer screen. Saving us from having to speak the words out loud that we wouldn’t have had the courage to utter in person, although perhaps leading us to boldly say things that we otherwise wouldn’t have – the keyboard allowing us too much honesty, giving us too much bravado, making us forget ourselves.

Maddy sent the first one:

Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk, you made your feelings quite clear yesterday when you told me to just forget the whole thing, but I have to get some things off my chest. I want to talk about this, even if you apparently don’t. You might feel like acting as though it never happened, but I can’t just do that. Not straight away. I feel like I need to explain a few things first. I need you to understand me.

 

I want you to know how much the other night meant to me. Never in a millions years did I think you’d tell me you loved me, that I’d hear I’d been so blind to what was going on in your head for so long. I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, but that was a pretty big secret you’d been keeping. One second you were my trusted friend and then the next – BAM – something more. You were offering me possibilities I never knew existed, a love that was more wholesome and honest than I’d ever thought possible – it felt enchanting. It felt right.

 

Because of the feelings you stirred in me, I was shocked when I found out about you and Alice. I felt like it lessened the importance of our night together and it made me feel a bit cheap and just another ‘almost’ notch on your bedpost. Am I? I hope not. I just can’t get my head around how you can say you feel one way but then sleep with someone else straight away after. As they say, actions speak louder than words. Perhaps it’s a guy thing, but it’s not like you to do something so shitty.

 

I know you said about me jumping back into bed with Robert, but deep down you must have realized that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t have done that. We didn’t. We haven’t. And the reason for that was because I’ve not been able to get you and me out of my head.

 

Ben, you know I love Robert. I’ve been with him for five years, and have known him for as long as I’ve known you. He completely fell apart in front of me, something I wasn’t expecting (you know he’s usually so strong) and that threw me. I was prepared to hate him for what he’d done but when he was stood in front of me like that I faltered. I couldn’t hurt him further when I could see how much agony he was in. Even when he left I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. It wasn’t as simple as I forgave him, forgot about you and we moved on to a happy-ever-after existence. I was coming to find you the other day to talk it all through with you, to try and make things clearer in my head. For me, there was still a big chance of you and me being together, or at least of talking and seeing what the possibilities were. I’d thought about it, a lot. But then I bumped into Roger. I felt crushed.

 

After seeing you yesterday, and hearing what you had to say, I called Robert and told him I was ready to put what he’d done behind us and move on. I was surprised that I’d done it when I put the phone down, but, if I’m honest, I only did it because I was angry with you. I still don’t know what I want. It’s all so raw still.

 

You’re saying you want to move forward as though nothing has happened between us. After years of hiding your feelings you’re certainly being very quick to brush them aside, as though they weren’t as important to you as you proclaimed. Why are you giving up so easily, Ben?

 

I really don’t know what to say to make all this better. You’re my best friend and a huge part of my life. Can we meet up and talk? Go for a drink, or a walk, or something? Anything?

 

Deflated. That would be my one word right now.

 

I love you, Ben. Always have, always will.

 

Maddy xoxo

 

I was in my bedroom working when the email pinged through. Reading it caused me to drop everything I was doing, to get up, walk outside and go for a mammoth bike ride. I was out for hours, trying to process my different thoughts and emotions – each of them conflicting with the next.

I waited a few days before I replied. Not because I was trying to hurt her or punish her in any way, I simply didn’t know what to respond with. Parts of her email angered me, while others made me sad.

None of it made me happy.

I sat in bed with my laptop on my knees trying to piece together some sort of response. All I wanted to tell her was that I loved her unconditionally, and that I would always be there waiting for her, but there was no point. She’d made her decision. Me harping on wasn’t going to help matters. In the end I typed out a response in seconds and sent it before my heart had time to process its true feelings.