Zenith Falling (27 page)

“What’s it like?”

“What’s what
like?” he asked glancing at her, and taking a long sip of iced water.

“Walking into a place and knowing you could buy anything?”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. He didn’t figure Joelle to come right out and ask him. “Something I’m used to now. At first, it makes a person go a little crazy. I did what you’d expect, bought the clichéd cars, a house for my mother, big toys for myself.”

“And your clothes.”

“Yeah, and a new wardrobe. Now though, I don’t notice or appreciate it like I should. You get used to it pretty quickly.”

“Is that why you seem to forget it is a big deal? Especially when talking to someone like me?”

“Someone like you how?”

“Someone who can’t even grasp the amount of money you must have. Someone who doesn’t get being the owner of a building in the middle of the city.”

He hesitated. She was asking. His money affected them, whatever they were, no matter how much he didn’t want it to. And unlike most women, Joelle didn’t like what it did to her. “My money isn’t me. All it does is give me the ability to be an ass. Sure, I get respect, and people think I have power, but it’s simply because I have the money to do whatever I want. My activities are not confined or limited by poverty. I can do things, like pay for stuff you can’t, and it’s not a big deal. I know what it’s like to feel small and indebted, and how it is not to feel like that. The money allows me to sometimes be an ass where I might not have been before.”

“You’re not an ass, especially not to me.”

“I think you told me once I was a lot more than that.”

“I’ve said a lot of things I shouldn’t.”

“No, some of it you should have; and as for the other, why did you?”

“Because I hoped you’d fire me, push me away, and get me away from you. I was afraid of you. And what I felt around you.”

“I see.”

“No
, you don’t,” she mumbled, frowning at her half eaten fries.

“Yeah, I did.
That’s why the day on the elevator, when you asked me what my money couldn’t buy, I couldn’t tell you the whole truth. My money can’t buy you. And you make me happy.”

She
shut her eyes, keeping her face downturned and away from him. A heated blush started in her neck and flushed her entirely. Finally, very quietly, she said, “You don’t need to buy me.”

She started eating her fries
, and he let it go, taking a deep breath. That was hard for Joelle to say. But she wasn’t ready to hear anymore. Soon they finished, and spoke of lighter subjects: music, movies, and her insipid TV shows. He pulled his wallet out to pay the bill, when he noticed her staring strangely at him.

“You’re not going to argue with me buying dinner now
, are you? It is a date.”

“No. I was just staring at it.”

“At what?”

“The cash.
You can’t carry around that much money. There must be a thousand dollars in there. Who does that? What if it gets stolen?”

He shut his wallet quickly. He hadn’t thought about it, and wasn’t trying to flash it. He threw money on the bill, took her arm and started out of the restaurant.
“I have more. How about a movie?”

“Are you trying to shut me up?”

“Yes. How about it?”

She laughed,
as she finally relaxed, looking up at him and smiling. She let him take her hand again. “Okay, a movie. Only because I haven’t been to one in years, not because I’m shutting up.”

They walked the few blocks to the movie theater. He let her choose a chick flick, that was so pop-culturish, he was surprised
she picked it. He wanted to tell her she wasn’t quite as rebellious, or anti-popular anything as she pretended. Still he didn’t mind. It felt normal to sit there in the darkened theater, her shoulder close to his, and his hand over hers. Aware of her every fidget, every head turn, and every laugh. It was like being back in high school on a first date with his yearlong crush beside him. Except this was much better.

The city was dark by the time they came out into the streets. Lights and shadows were dancing along the sidewalks and car-lined streets as people moved about, heading to various establishments.
He took her back to his place, and didn’t bother to ask if she wanted to go home. She didn’t argue, or point out why she shouldn’t. She quieted down though, and her posture became more cautious as they walked the hallway towards his front door. Still, she didn’t protest when he unlocked the door and motioned for her to go in first. He turned on the lights as he passed through the penthouse, pulling her along with him to his bedroom. He couldn’t stop marveling that somehow, he’d finally managed to bring Joelle Williams home with him.

Nick moved around his room, as comfortably in his skin, and the situation, as if he’d been alone. Joelle, on the other hand, stood there, bobbing her weight from one foot to the other. What should she do now? He kicked off his shoes, removed his watch, unbuttoned his shirt and walked into his closet. She stood in the dead center of his room, stiff and unnatural.

Their night had been like the first date she’d never managed to enjoy in high school. Never with Rob.
The perfect date, except for the sex beforehand, she supposed. But that was perfect too. Unbelievable. Unexpected. Unexplainable. The date was casual, fun, and totally different than she pictured. Nick managed to actually make her feel at ease, and right. He made her feel special. He held her hand, and touched her arm, her cheek, and here or there, in casual, easy caresses. It seemed as if he just had to touch her, and couldn’t resist her. It wasn’t something she was used to. Nor could she get used to being with Nick. People looked when he entered a room, and noticed him. And he was at ease, and confident in that. She was just the opposite, preferring to hide,  and shrink from any gazes and attention. She was sure everyone wondered what that man was doing with
her
. She wondered herself.

Now what? Why didn’t she just go home? Or push her number in the elevator? She could have bypassed all of this awkwardness. This again. She was back to feeling unsure. To feeling wrong for being there, although she
wanted to be there more than anywhere else, which made her feel even worse.

“Joelle, don’t.”

Joelle turned towards Nick’s voice. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t worry. Stress. Over think it. Not tonight. It was fun, wasn’t it? And now we’re tired, and going to bed.”

“Just going to bed? Together. No big deal. Sure, of course it’s no big deal.”

He lean
ed against his closet door, his t-shirt, hanging loose over his pants. Her breath caught just looking at him, so relaxed, sexy, and confident. She quaked inside at how inadequate she felt next to him, yet it thrilled her in a way she couldn’t explain, that he wanted her there.

“Do you want to go home?”

She should have said yes, but instead, she shook her head no.

“
Then you’re going to have to quit looking like you’re in line for an execution. It’s kind of hard on my ego.”

How did he do that? Make her smile? Make her feel less afraid of herself?

He smiled a crooked, boyish grin that instantly had her heart beating faster, and her insides twisting in happiness.

He turned and
wandered into the bathroom. It had taken her a full year to get used to moving around private things like being in the bathroom with Rob. How could she do this with Nick? Nick, who she wasn’t married to? How could she start this over? Her heart raced, hammered, and yelled at her, but still, she stayed. She heard him brushing his teeth, and he called out to her he had a spare toothbrush if she wanted one.

She finally moved and went into the bathroom as he was just unwrapping a toothbrush. She didn’t believe he kept just one. She took it
and grasped it as if it held the answers to her life. Then she waited for him to leave before getting ready for bed. She slipped out the door, turning the lights off behind her as she walked to Nick’s bed. He was already in it. The covers closest to her were drawn back, in anticipation of her. It was a thoughtful gesture; and one Rob never would have dreamed of doing for her. She clamped her brain down, and chided herself
no comparisons,
that wasn’t fair.

Nick was bare
-chested. She got under the covers and he moved closer, leaning over her to click the lamp off.

She was back in bed. In a new and unfamiliar man’s bed.
His feet touched her first. They crossed the space she allowed between them. One of his legs lifted over her legs, enveloping her. He scooted closer, close enough she could feel his body heat and smell him. He smelled wonderful. Aftershave, she supposed. It was heavenly, light, but there all the same. She wanted to turn toward him and take a big sniff of his skin, but she didn’t. She just lay there like an inert, frozen statue.

“So do you sleep with it like this too?”

“What?”

“Your hair, do you leave it back while you sleep too? Doesn’t that hurt to sleep on?”

Her hair. “Sometimes, I do. I’m used to it, so it doesn’t hurt.”

His hand tugged on the knot at the nape of her neck.
“You have a fistful of it.”

She snorted. “I know.”

“If you don’t like it, why don’t you cut it?”

“Because I do like it.”

“Oh. I thought it annoyed you or something so you kept it off your face.”

She shifted, turning
towards him. He was on his side, his face close, his eyes watching her.

“No one’s ever noticed I don’t wear it down.”

“Everyone has too. It’s always up.”

“No. Seriously.”

“Even–”

“Yeah
, even Rob. I mean he’s seen it down, just not while I’m out.”

“Why?”

Why? Good question. An innocent question. A question that shouldn’t lead to anything. She could simply say she didn’t like her hair down, but instead she answered, “I guess it started with my dad.”

“Your dad?”
Nick flexed his arm; she had captured his attention.

“
He used to tell me how special I was. He would flip my hair and say, I was the prettiest girl in the entire world. And I always believed him. Until one day, he was gone. And I didn’t know why. I thought I’d done something wrong. My mom wasn’t too sympathetic. She said good riddance, with little concern for me. Then later, after my mom went to prison, I was living with this foster family that was more of a halfway house. And I hadn’t heard from my mom, or Trina, or anyone else I knew. It was almost as if I was dead, and no one cared. I looked in the mirror one day, hating what I saw, and who I was. I thought, of course they don’t want to contact you, you’re a loser, even your parents don’t want you. So I took scissors to my waist-length hair. Hair I’d never done more than barely trimmed in my entire life. I shredded it. I made sure I wasn’t pretty anymore. I thought seriously about taking the scissors to my wrists at the same time. I was hideous. I was distraught. When my hair finally grew back, I couldn’t bear to cut it, because it reminded me of how bad I’d gotten, and the horrible things I thought about doing to myself. So I never cut it again and it kept growing, but I hated it because it was everything I didn’t want to be anymore. It was what my dad said was so pretty. So I let it grow, but I never wear it down, never again will I let it be used to make me look pretty.”

Nick shifted, brought his arm around her, and pulled her towards him.
He kissed her forehead, her cheek, and her mouth. “How old were you when your dad left?”

“Ten. He was a loser, I know that now. But as a kid, I thought he was everything. He was one of those men who always intended to do great things
, but never did anything. He had one get rich scheme after the next. My parents fought fiercely, until I guess he decided it was too much. He didn’t come home from work one day. I was devastated. Mom? She was kind of a bitch. Remote. Didn’t talk to me much. My dad did. He had his faults, but he liked me. He would sit and play with me for hours, talk all about my schooling. Then he was gone. And there was no one to talk to me, no one who wanted to hear what I had to say. After my dad left, my mom had to get a second job, and I was left nearly completely alone.”

“Until you were eighteen and met Rob,” Nick inserted, his tone quiet and understanding. She had a feeling he was thinking a lot about that, what it meant. What Rob meant to her, and why. Why she was so quiet, so afraid to be alone. Literally, afraid to let her hair down.

“Yes. Until then.”

He shifted her again, putting his arm under her, and his other around her. The warmth of him surrounded her, his heartbeat thumped in her ear, filling her with his essence, physical contact, and life.
“How old were you when your dad died, Nick?”

“Thirteen.”

“Trina never talked about him much.”

“She wouldn’t have. She was only one. There were so many years between us, we didn’t have the same childhoods. I replaced my dad, and she was the spoiled baby sister.”

“What did he die of?”

“Heart attack. He was only forty.”

“Oh my God.”

“It was unexpected, to say the least. Devastated my mom. She was troubled temporarily. Didn’t know how to balance a checkbook or pay insurance. She spaced out on painkillers for a awhile, slept all day, all night. The girls were left to me.”

“That all fell on you? At thirteen?”

“Now you see why I manage so many things so well. Years of practice.”

“Aren’t you smart? Like scholarship, straight As, teach yourself stuff smart?”

“Yeah. Academics. Computers, all of it came easy to me.”

“All while you took care of your mom and four sisters?”

“Mmm. Makes me sound like Superman when you say it with all that awe in your voice.”

“I didn’t know about your mom.”

“Pill popping? Neither does Trina. The others remember.”

“How did she get off them?”

“She went to rehab.”

Joelle twitched in surprise. She couldn’t fathom that the suburban, middle class-looking woman who was Nick’s mother had to go to rehab for a pill addiction. “So you really believe in all that Al-Anon stuff, that’s why you kept telling me to go? You had actual experience?”

“Yes. I just didn’t know you well enough to explain. I promised Mom I wouldn’t tell anyone. Including my youngest sister.”

“But you just told me.”

“I’m aware of who I’m telling what.
You were there at those meetings because you knew you wanted to change something; you just didn’t know what or how. I respected you for trying.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Nick?”

“What?”

“You actually like me, don’t you?”

She felt his chest move, as he laughed, “Yes, Joelle I actually like you. Now, you’re finally catching on why I asked you here.”

Now
she
just had to figure out why she was there.