Zombie Bums from Uranus

 

Andy Griffiths is the award-winning author of the popular
Just
series and
The Day My Bum Went Psycho.
He lives in a renovated bum shelter in Smellbourne, Arsetralia, where he divides his time between story-writing and bum-fighting.
Zombie Bums from Uranus
is his second novel and is absolutely 100 per cent completely true except for the made-up bits.

 

Also by Andy Griffiths
and illustrated by Terry Denton

Just Tricking!
Just Annoying!
Just Stupid!
Just Crazy!
Just Disgusting!
The Bad Book

Also by Andy Griffiths

The Day My Bum Went Psycho
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Bumageddon: the Final Pongflict

Also by Andy Griffiths
(with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)

Fast Food and No Play Make
Jack a Fat Boy: Creating a healthier lifestyle
for you and your children

First published 2003 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney

Reprinted 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006

Copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2003

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

Griffiths, Andy.
Zombie bums from Uranus.

For children.

1SBN 0 330 36425 1.

1. Human-alien encounters – Juvenile fiction. I. Title.

A823.3

Designed by Liz Seymour
Typeset in 11.5/14 pt Life Roman by Post Pre-Press Group
Printed in Australia by McPherson's Printing Group

These electronic editions published in 2003 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

Zombie Bums from Uranus

Andy Griffiths

Adobe eReader format: 978-1-74197-005-0
Online format: 978-1-74197-608-3
EPUB format: 978-1-74262-214-9

Macmillan Digital Australia
www.macmillandigital.com.au

Visit
www.panmacmillan.com.au
to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

This book is dedicated to my grandparents, Percy
and Mabel, wherever they may be . . .

Cover

About Andy Griffiths

Also by Andy Griffiths

Title page

Copyright

Prologue

1   Crapalanche!

2   The Big Bang

3   The Blind Bum-feeler

4   Zombie Bumvasion

5   The Pincher

6   Bumergency!

7   The Smoking Bum

8   The Forker and the Flicker

9   The Mutant Maggot Lord

10   Hokey Pokey

11   The Great White Bum

12   Zombie Bum Feast

13   Many Crappy Returns

14   The Brown Hole

15   Beyond the Brown Hole

16   Graduation Day

Epilogue

Glossary

There are many theories about how the univarse began, but the truth is most of the theories are just that. Theories. All we know for certain is that in the beginning there was a bum.

from
The Origins of the Univarse
by Sir Roger Francis Rectum, Smellbourne University Press, 2002

Z
ack Freeman skied down a steep snow-covered slope on a crisp sunny winter morning, completely unaware that he was about to be engulfed by a deadly crapalanche.

Crapalanche!

The very word struck fear into the hearts of even the bravest and most experienced skiers, but not Zack Freeman.

This was not, however, because Zack Freeman was especially brave or experienced.

Far from it.

No, Zack Freeman was unafraid of crapalanches because Zack Freeman had no idea what a crapalanche was.

There was an ear-splitting crack.

An advance wave of nauseating stench.

But, incredibly, Zack Freeman was completely oblivious to even these telltale warning signs.

He was too busy arguing with his bum.
*

‘Can't we go home?' whined his bum. ‘I'm cold!'

‘But this is fun,' said Zack.

‘Fun for you, maybe,' said his bum. ‘You're not the one who has to put up with all the bruises. You're not the one who's wet and cold and freezing.'

‘Stop complaining!' Zack said. ‘I'm wearing thermal undies and padded pants.'

‘I hate them,' said his bum. ‘They make me look fat. Take them off!'

‘Don't be stupid,' said Zack.

‘I'm not being stupid,' said Zack's bum. ‘You are! Skiing is stupid. This mountain is stupid. I want to go home right now!'

‘Well, I don't,' said Zack.

‘Well I DO,' said his bum. ‘And I say we go. Now!'

‘You can't tell me what to do,' Zack said. ‘You're not the boss of me.'

‘Oh yeah?' said his bum. ‘Well, you're not the boss of me, either.'

Zack sighed.

Despite everything he and his bum had been through, they still had a lot of arguments.

The slope was gradually becoming steeper. As Zack picked up speed he heard his bum cry out in alarm.

‘Phwoar!' said Zack. ‘Cut it out. I'm trying to concentrate!'

‘But, Zack,' said his bum. ‘You don't understand!'

‘Ha!' said Zack. ‘I understand all right. I understand that every time we do something I want to do, you try to wreck it. Well, it's really selfish and it's got to—'

‘Shut up, Zack!' interrupted his bum. ‘Crapalanche!'

‘Crap a what?' said Zack.

‘Crapalanche!'

‘What's a crapalanche?' said Zack.

But his bum didn't reply.

It didn't need to.

The snow underneath Zack was no longer white. It had turned an ominous shade of brown.

Zack's first thought was that his bum must be more scared than he realised. He turned around to reassure it, but what he saw almost made his heart stop.

It wasn't just the snow around him that had turned brown.

All
of the snow on the mountain had turned brown. And bearing down on him was the biggest, ugliest and brownest crapalanche in the history of big ugly brown crapalanches.

Suddenly Zack realised he had made a mistake. A big mistake. He wasn't skiing down a mountain—he was skiing down a bumcano! And nobody, not even the bravest and most experienced skiers in the world would have been stupid enough to attempt to ski down a bumcano! Nobody, that is, except Zack Freeman.

‘Faster!' his bum yelled. ‘Go faster!'

Zack crouched low, tucked his head down and went as fast as he dared. And then faster still.

‘Not fast enough!' shouted his bum.

Zack turned his head. The thunderous brown mass was gaining on them.

‘Maybe we could go faster if you would give me some help,' said Zack. ‘I did save your life you know—you owe me!'

Zack's bum's only response was to scream.

Zack felt the scream rip a hole through his thermal undies and padded pants. Normally he would have been annoyed, but this time he just smiled. It was exactly what he needed. The force of the scream sent him surging forward, a long way ahead of the crapalanche.

Zack heard his bum whoop with joy.

‘Good work!' yelled Zack as he dug his stocks wildly into the brown muck in order to pick up even more speed. The more distance he could put between himself and the crapalanche the better.

But just when Zack was starting to feel safe again, he saw it.

The end of the slope!

The edge of a cliff-face, dropping away into a deep dark ravine.

Nobody could survive a fall like that.

Nobody.

‘Reverse thrust!' Zack yelled. ‘Reverse thrust!'

‘I can't do that,' said his bum. ‘It's impossible!'

‘Can't you at least try?' Zack begged his bum. ‘We're as good as dead. We have nothing to lose.'

‘Okay,' said his bum. ‘Here goes.'

It tried.

And tried.

And tried.

But it was impossible.

‘I CAN'T DO IT!' yelled Zack's bum, causing him to surge forward even faster.

‘Oh no,' said Zack as he flew over the edge of the cliff and out into thin air.

‘Oops,' said Zack's bum.

As Zack fell he noticed a wave of pink objects hurtling towards him at high speed.

UFBs—unidentified flying bums!

Zack gasped. He was helpless. One of the UFBs bore up hard into his stomach. Another smashed into his face. And yet another crashed into his bum.

‘Zack!' shouted his bum. ‘Do something!'

Zack—dazed, bruised and winded—began jabbing and thrusting his stocks into the air. The unidentified flying bums were so numerous that even without looking, he was able to collect two stocks' worth of skewered bums within moments. At this formidable display of bum-skewering the other UFBs took fright and shot off into the distance.

‘Good going, Zack!' yelled his bum. ‘I thought we were dead for sure!'

‘We are!' said Zack who, looking down, had noticed they were about to plunge into a raging bum-piranha infested river. ‘Prepare to drown!'

They plunged into the wild brown water with an almighty splash.

The bum-piranhas set upon them before they'd even surfaced for air. Zack felt them attack his feet, legs, stomach, chest, arms, neck and head . . . and then he had an idea.