#1.5 Finding Autumn (20 page)

He saw my punch coming this time and retaliated with his own powerful hit. His knuckles slammed into my lower lip, and I could taste the blood instantly. It added fuel to the fire that was always burning blindingly hot. But before I could strike back, he punched me again across the cheek.

His blows hurt, but I had years of built-up resentments on my side. I slapped his arms away and pushed him back to the ground. Before I knew what was happening, I had my hands wrapped around his throat.

I squeezed until I felt the strain on the muscles in my arms. I could hear Thomas struggling for breath, but it sounded millions of miles away. I was somewhere else. I was in a place where the only thing that mattered was getting rid of the stain on humanity that had hurt the girl I loved.

“Oh my god! Blake! Get off him!”

The screams didn’t penetrate at first. It wasn’t until I felt small hands circling my waist from behind, pulling me away from Thomas, that I was able to release him. He cursed and sputtered while the eggplant shade of his face gradually returned to his normal coloring. 

“Dad! Are you okay?” Delia elbowed by me and reached out a hand to her father. He took it and managed to get to his feet. Delia turned on me after Thomas gave her a shaky nod. “Blake, you could’ve killed him!”

Delia started sobbing, and I felt the first semblance of remorse. I couldn’t be the one responsible for her losing a father. I had lost a dad I hadn’t even known and was a head case because of it. The least I could do was try and shield Delia from that agony.

“Blake, Thomas, what is going on?” my mother yelled as she hurried down the path.

Delia and my mom had matching expressions as they gazed at me: profound disappointment. They looked at me as if I was the villain—and not the man five feet away from where I stood who had stolen
everything
from Autumn.

I needed to run. I needed to run away from them all. I felt myself falling back into old behaviors that I had worked hard to conquer. I was letting Thomas win again. Once more, he was making me feel those dark feelings that had been pushed away when Autumn had come into my life. I couldn’t be the broken, fatherless boy again that needed salvation.

I needed to get the hell out of there, and a split second later, I ran away from my family. They screamed out to me, but I couldn’t face them. They wanted too many things from me. They wanted me to be their son, their brother, their hero. But I couldn’t be who they wanted any longer, because I couldn’t be those things with Autumn by my side.

Chapter Seventeen

I was driving blindly back to my apartment. Not thinking—only feeling. I felt like Thomas had reached inside me and pulled out all those obscene emotions I’d been trying to contain. I didn’t want to be the bad guy. I fought against a nature that looked for fights—a side of my personality that craved the feeling of letting go and being given free rein to destroy those who crossed me.

I believed I craved that loss of control because I never felt in charge of my own life. I had so much resentment for the paths chosen for me. My mom had decided to bring Thomas into our lives—not me. Or maybe the truth was I had made the decision to love him, and I felt guilt over it. How many poor choices could be traced back to the gnawing shame I felt over what he had done? Wasn’t there something in the bible about how a son must bear the sins of the father?

My body shook with relief when I saw Autumn’s car still parked in front of the entrance to my apartment. I needed her to be there—needed her to reassure me that I was still the man who deserved her love.

I rushed into the house with purpose. The door slammed behind me, and the abrasive sound made Autumn rush out of my bedroom. She had changed since I left and now wore a white sweater and a pair of jeans. When I pulled her into my arms, I buried my face into the soft fabric of the sweater. She looked and felt so perfect, and I probably didn’t deserve to feel so good—especially after almost killing my stepfather.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered into my collarbone.

“Please, Autumn. I need you right now,” I choked out. My voice was broken, overflowing with pain. My cheeks were wet, and I wondered if I’d been crying since I left my house. On the ride back to Fairfort, I’d been severed from reality, and it was dumb luck I’d been able to drive home without totaling my car.

I put my fingers on the button of her jeans. She put her hands over mine, and I waited for her to stop me—stop me and demand to know why I was a beaten down mess. Instead, she helped me unbutton her pants and pulled them down. She said gently, “Of course, baby. Whatever you need.”

She gave me the go ahead, and I let the control slip once again. My lust bowled me over. I needed to be buried deep inside of her and to forget.

Lifting her in my arms, I carried her over to the couch and set her down on the cushions. I pulled her jeans off the rest of the way, and her underwear followed soon after. My movements were clumsy as the adrenaline still coursed through my body. The need for Autumn throbbed deep inside me. I took off my pants, but didn’t bother with my t-shirt. I loved to play with her, but I was too consumed at the moment with her light chasing away my dark. I was too caught up in needing to reaffirm she was mine. She turned onto her belly and tilted her hips into the couch. She was offering up herself completely to me; and, whether she knew it or not, it was exactly what I needed.

Tentatively, I placed a finger at her opening. I was surprised and relieved to find her wet. It was all I needed to drive deep inside of her. She arched as I entered her, and I heard her surprised gasp. I ran my hands down her back before grabbing hold of her hips. I curled my fingers into her sides and I press into her as far as I could go. I wanted to stay inside of her forever. Nothing bad could happen to us here. My strokes were long as I held onto her tightly. The rhythm started slowly, but I couldn’t hold back. With each thrust I heard her moan beneath me and my feverish arousal built. I started to go in and out of her harder—faster—and she didn’t protest. I kneaded her firm ass as I kept driving into her. She moved with me, handing over control and letting me take what I needed from her. And I was a selfish bastard, but I let her do it. I crashed into her body with abandon, and I continued doing it until my climax overcame me. Tremors racked me from my core outward. I was completely rocked by being with her and my body continued to tremble with how much pleasure I felt at the moment.

The pleasure faded, and I began to grow concerned over how quiet she had become. Instantly, I regretted taking her in the way I did.
I knew better
. I realized I may have made a critical error, and may have advertently used her to chase away my own demons.

I curved my hand around her waist. “Autumn? Are you okay?”

She sighed, and I could hear her contentment infused in it. “Yes. That was unexpected, but I’m not complaining. I didn’t want you to ever stop.”

She ran her hands down the sides of her body, and I saw the goose bumps break out over her flesh. I needed her, and she had been there for me, wanting nothing in return. But it was a relief to see how incredible I could make her feel when she was clenched around me.

I moved out of her, although I did die a little inside because of it. Separating our bodies would make room for reality to move back in. Autumn sat up and began to pull on her clothing. She met my eyes, and I watched her expression shift. The lust faded and was replaced with alarm.

“Blake! What’s wrong? What happened?”

I averted my eyes. “What are you talking about?”

She hopped off of the couch and ran over to me. “You’re bleeding! Your lip is split, and your face is completely swollen.”

I flinched as she ran her fingertips over the tender skin on my cheek. “I’m fine.”

Her eyes searched mine, looking for answers. I could see she wanted me to open up to her, but the truth was unwelcome at times like that. I wanted to protect her, but I had made a promise I wouldn’t lie to her again. Breaking that oath would guarantee our undoing.

“Did something happen at your mom’s house?”

I swallowed hard at the question.

She added, “I thought you were picking up your sister.”

“I did go there to pick her up.” My jaw tightened and I forced out the words. “Thomas was at the house.”

Autumn’s eyes filled and I saw her skin grow pale. I dug the pads of my fingers into my thighs until I felt a dull pain. Seeing what type of reaction Thomas caused in my girlfriend filled me with instant remorse for not ending him when I had the chance.

She gestured to my face. “He did this to you?”

“Don’t worry. He is a lot worse off.” The pronouncement didn’t seem to bring her any type of satisfaction. If anything, she seemed to retreat further into herself. “I tried to walk away, Autumn, but I couldn’t. I was looking at him and picturing what he had done, and it made me sick to think he was no longer paying for his crimes.”

“I didn’t ask you to do this. I didn’t ask you to go after him and avenge me.”

I strained to hear her timid whisper. This wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted him to be dead and buried in our minds. He was a fucking ghost that refused to be exorcised.

“He told me he wanted to start again. He said he wanted us to get together with him and
talk
it out.” I allowed her to hear the derision in my voice. “He wanted to see you again, Autumn. And I couldn’t let him think he could go anywhere near you. He needed to see that I will protect you with my life.”

Thomas had brought back past fears to the forefront of my mind. The worst of all was the thought that she could never love me. And by her reaction to his name, I started to believe it once again.

“Look at you.” She shook her head at me. “Look at what being together is doing to you.”

“What? Being with you is the best thing to happen to me.”

“How can you say that? When you come to me broken?”

I blow out a long breath between my teeth before speaking. “Autumn, it’s only a small cut.”

“That’s not the kind of broken I meant.” Autumn sounded resigned, and it was a tone I never wanted to hear from her. Things were never going to be easy for us—it was a given with our messed-up backgrounds. But I fought for much less important things than her. For her, I’d fight with everything I had to give.

“I’m not broken up over kicking Thomas’s ass. He deserved a lot worse.”

She didn’t comment for a long time. After taking her hand and leading her back to the couch, she sank down next to me. I brushed my leg against her thigh and tried to get her to meet my stare. She wouldn’t look at me, and focused her eyes on the far wall. “We have been living in a bubble, Blake. Just because we don’t want him in our lives, we may not have a choice.” She finally turned to me. “You have a relationship with him that I’ve refused to accept. I can’t continue to pretend you don’t have a history with him and that it was very different than mine.”

“Autumn, I will never regret what I have with you. Whatever I had with Thomas is done….”

“He’s your father, Blake.” She bit down on her lip, looking as though she was trying to stop herself from saying more.

“Yes,” I acknowledged and took her hand in mine. “I did love him, but I loved a father that didn’t
exist
. The same way I hated a girl that didn’t
exist
.”

I wanted my words to get through to her, but each passing moment I watched her build her walls higher. She didn’t need or want my protection, and it hurt. She had been harmed too many times before, and I could see her doubt creeping in. She loved me—I was sure of it—but she didn’t seem to believe it would be enough for us to work.

“I haven’t been fair to you, Blake,” she finally said, her voice cracking. Her eyes welled up and tears tumbled down her cheeks. She swiped them away with the back of her hand before continuing to speak. “I’ve caused problems in your family and forced you to make impossible choices. I’ve been so caught up in my pain, I never thought what it was like for you to lose a father.”

I had never told her, but I made a conscious effort to not think about Thomas. Because if I missed him, it would feel like the ultimate betrayal to her. I couldn’t mourn the loss of a man that had committed an unforgivable crime.

She was crying now—raw and desperate sobs—and my stomach plummeted to the floor. I was terrified by the look of profound loss on her face. “Maybe a better person than me could move on and forgive,” she said, her voice breaking, “but then I close my eyes and see the callousness in his features when he attacked me, and I feel back in that nightmare.” She shuddered before adding, “But you have to realize that I’m not going to stop you from having a relationship with him. That’s your right. You loved him first, and I’m not going to condemn you any longer for that.”

“I didn’t choose him.
I chose you
. And I will choose you.
Every. Single. Time
.” Her eyes fluttered closed at my words. I took a steadying breath. “I’m not asking you to let me have you both in my life. I don’t want him. I want you, and I’ll always want you.”

“I love you, Blake,” she sobbed. She crawled onto my lap and buried her face in my neck. “But I hate that he has found a way back into our lives.”

I settled my hands on her shoulders and adjusted her to face me. I wanted her to look in my eyes and to hopefully see inside of me. “Don’t give up on me.
Don’t give up on us
.”

“I don’t want to,” she said quietly, and I saw her studying my face. “But I’m afraid you’ll eventually regret the decisions you made. I don’t want you to resent me for causing you to lose the only dad you ever had.”

A muscle ticked in my jaw. “I will never regret us.” I pushed her hair out of her eyes and cupped her face in my hands. “It kills me to hear you say these things. I will never resent you or have regrets about not letting him be a part of my life. The only regret I have is that I kept the truth from you about who I was. But honestly, Autumn, it’s a small regret. Because if I never lied, we wouldn’t be together.”