#1.5 Finding Autumn (21 page)

Finally, I seemed to be reaching her. She looked at me from under her long lashes and her eyes softened. I hoped she sensed my honesty and didn’t think I simply pulled the words out of my ass. Truthfully, I only needed her. Any losses along the way were insignificant in comparison to what she had brought to my life.

“I’ll never regret us, either,” she said firmly and gave me the briefest of kisses.

When she moved away, I wiped away the tears on her face. I didn’t want her hurting for me, or worse yet, because of me. She gave me a shaky smile and the thousand-pound weight on my chest was able to lift. She said, “I know it’s going to be hard, but my love for you measures way beyond any fears I have about your family. I’m committed to our relationship, and Thomas isn’t going to steal away the happiness I’ve found with you.”

“He’ll never take anything away from us again,” I promised her.

She kissed me again, and this time her lips lingered on mine. I slipped my tongue inside her mouth and the passion between us gained momentum. We were heading for another round in bed, and I loved that about our relationship. I loved how she blew my mind each time we were together.

And although maybe I should’ve stopped us from getting carried away again, I didn’t. There were more things we needed to talk about and more problems that needed resolutions, but I wanted to end the night making love to her. Because I needed her to feel and see my heart before she decided if I was the one in her future.

Chapter Eighteen

The next morning, I awoke to the sound of my apartment’s buzzer. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was a little after nine in the morning. Autumn was still naked and asleep next to me, curled into my side. She stirred at the sound of the doorbell, and I hurried out of bed to avoid waking her up. After tossing on a pair of jeans I had left on the floor of my room and a t-shirt, I went to the front door.

After checking out the peephole, I cringed when I saw Delia pacing on my doorstep. By the way things were left yesterday, I was sure she had come to read me the riot act. I wasn’t concerned over the condition I left her dad in yesterday, but it had been on my mind over how my actions had affected her.

I opened the door and gestured her inside. She strode past me and looked warily around the apartment until facing me. I assumed she was looking for signs of Autumn. It made me anxious over what she planned to say. Had I finally pushed Delia over the edge yesterday and lost her for good? I never meant to bring her more pain, but it had become unavoidable as I straddled the line of having both her and Autumn in my life.

“Are you okay?” I asked, taking in her bedraggled appearance. The bags under her eyes told of her sleepless night. Likely, she had come to my place straight out of bed. She wore a ratty gray t-shirt and a pair of fleece pajama pants.

“No. I was up all night, trying to think of how our family got to this point.” She leaned back against the front door. “We used to be happy and now….”

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

She watched me and seemed to weigh my words. I could see it dawning on her that I wasn’t apologizing for what I had done. “Dad was livid, but physically he’s fine.”

I nodded, but didn’t respond. I didn’t trust myself to speak. Because maybe there was something wicked inside of me, but the news didn’t move me one tiny bit.

“Blake, I’ve been trying so hard to understand how you feel, and I think I do get it, in a way.” Delia tilted her head to the side as she examined me. “And I’m finally okay with you not wanting Dad in your life. I can even accept that you believe Autumn about what happened between them.”

“Del, I—”

She held up her hand. “Wait. I’m not finished.” She gathered herself up to her full height. “But I can’t believe her. Because I need my dad, and if Autumn is telling the truth, I can’t have him. Maybe I’m in denial, and it’s some sort of twisted defense mechanism, but I can’t change who I am.”

“It’s okay, Del. I understand.”

What could I say? Autumn wasn’t anyone to Delia. I didn’t believe Thomas deserved to have his daughter’s love, but I couldn’t stop it.

“But I don’t hate Autumn, and I don’t hate you for loving her.” Her pronouncement meant a lot. Loving Autumn had a ripple effect on every relationship I had. At times, I wasn’t sure Delia and I would be able to pick up the pieces and still be as close as we once were.

“I’m not going to go after Thomas again, Del.” I assured her. “He mentioned Autumn and I just lost it. I had a lot of bitterness building up for a long time, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

“I didn’t come here because I’m worried about Dad’s safety.” Delia asserted. “I’m worried about my big brother.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” she countered. “You have to forgive yourself.”

I took a step away from her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You carry around this blame for things you’re not responsible for.”

“I do not!” I snapped and suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t like the idea of my little sister trying to psychoanalyze me.

“She’s right,” a soft voice said from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Autumn standing in the doorway of my bedroom. She had dressed before coming out to the foyer in a pair of black shorts and a red tank top. She must have woken up minutes ago, but her gaze was sharp on me.

Delia acknowledged Autumn with a nod. They locked eyes from across the room, and I felt something silently pass between them. It was the first time I didn’t feel the tension from the two of them being in the same room together. They both cared about me and would willingly put aside their difference for my benefit.

Autumn shifted her attention back to me. “I’ve forgiven you for a long time now. But I wonder if you ever accepted my forgiveness or realized why I was hurt by you.”

“Because of Thomas—”

Autumn cut me off. “No, Blake. I was hurt because you never trusted me enough to tell me who you were.” She took a step in my direction. “It was never about being Thomas’s stepson.”

I scratched the back of my neck. “Autumn, how can that be true? You would’ve stayed far away from me if I’d been honest from the beginning.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “I would’ve stayed away because I was afraid of your stepfather. Not because I blamed you for being related to him.”

“But you know the reasons I pushed my way into your life. How can you just let that go?”

“There’s nothing left to forgive, Blake. And your sister is absolutely right, because I don’t think you’ll ever be truly happy until you accept that you’re not
responsible
.” I was an unmoving wall, coiled tightly as they made assessments about my character. Autumn took my hand in hers, offering me comfort without me asking for it.

“It’s true. You kill yourself trying to keep all of us happy. You’re one of the most selfless people I know,” Delia said. I opened my mouth to argue, but Autumn squeezed my hand tightly: a sign to let me know I needed to allow Delia to finish. Delia added, “I’m so grateful for you, Blake. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I’ve been selfish to not stop you from setting aside your own needs.”

“I’m not going to stop looking out for you.”

Delia’s eyes held unshed tears. “And I don’t want you to. But I’m going to be all right and so are you and Autumn.” Delia addressed Autumn. “Take care of my brother. He deserves the best.”

“He does,” Autumn said. “I’m crazy about him.”

I kissed the top of Autumn’s head and smiled into her hair. I allowed her love and acceptance into my heart. I had been fighting it—feeling as though I could never be forgiven and, in turn, loved. I wasn’t responsible for Thomas’s actions, and there was no way I could have stopped him. I was getting that.

I was also learning to differentiate between what I had with Autumn was worlds apart from what happened between her and my stepfather. Often, I was afraid of what my touch would do to her—terrified of reminding her of the violence of her past. What he did was dark and evil. But every touch, every kiss I placed on her body was worshipful and reverent.

Releasing Autumn, I closed the distance between Delia and me and scooped her up in a warm hug. “Thanks, Del. You deserve the best, too.”

Delia smiled ruefully as I put her down. “I know I do. I’m hoping that happens as soon as I leave for college and finally stop living under Mom’s thumb.”

“I’m sure after yesterday your boyfriend will be the last thing on Mom’s mind.”

“Maybe.” She shrugged. “I better go. I don’t want to run into anyone while looking like a thrift store reject. Call me for dinner soon.”

I nodded. “I will.”

After we said our goodbyes to Delia, I was alone in the hallway with Autumn. Our argument from the day before didn’t seem to have compromised what I was trying to build with her. She knotted her fingers behind my neck and lifted up onto her toes. I could feel her soft breath tickle my mouth as she spoke. “I have so much faith in you. So much love for you.”

“I feel the same.”

“You have been so good to me, Blake—so good for me. And I want to do the same for you. I want us to move forward together, to stop being stuck in our pasts.”

“I want that, too.”

It was an honest moment. I was letting Delia and Autumn’s words circle around my brain and seeing how right they were about my mistakes. It was unhealthy the way I’d been trying to make penance for sins that weren’t my own. I was letting my own hang-ups undermine that I had found permanency with an incredible and beautiful girl.

Instead of fixing everyone else, I was going to have to make an effort to fix myself.

Chapter Nineteen

The last two months of my senior year of college went by in a blur. There were too many questions I would be forced to address once summer arrived and I wished for time to slow down. I had reached a fork, and the possibilities standing before me both thrilled me and filled me with unbridled fear. But more than anything, no matter what path I traveled down, I needed Autumn with me.

I had been clinging to each second I had with her, afraid of the future. If I was drafted to the NFL, it could mean a lot of time apart and the thought freaked me the fuck out. What if she realized during our separation there were better options out there for her? Maybe she’d find someone without my baggage and who wouldn’t be traveling seven to eight months out of the year. The draft had yet to pass, and I was already wrecked with anxiety over these imaginary pricks trying to steal her away from me.

But I swore absolutely nothing in the entire world would come between us again. The positives of going pro were far-reaching. We could carve out an amazing life together with the opportunities that would open up for me.

Since Time was a thoughtless bastard, before I knew it, the final day of the NFL draft had arrived. I’d been passed over during the first three rounds and the teams were almost through their fourth round of picks. With each name called, my chances of playing pro ball were getting slimmer and slimmer.

I had put a lot of thought into how to spend the day. I knew of other players who had huge parties to watch the draft. But I decided against it. I invited only two people over: Autumn and Delia.

My mom was away at my aunt’s house for the weekend, which saved me from the awkwardness of not inviting her over. The only other person I would have considered was Darien. But after we had graduated two weeks earlier, Darien moved out of our apartment to live closer to his Manhattan employer. He had found a sweet-ass job as an advertising exec at a hotshot firm in the city.

The draft had total power over where my life was headed. It would decide where I would live and what kind of lifestyle I could afford. If I weren’t drafted, I’d have to continue searching for a job where I could use my economics degree.

“Relax, Blake. Grab a beer or something to calm yourself down,” Delia chastised. Reclining back on the loveseat in my living room, she stared at me with a mixture of pity and annoyance. I’d been pacing the room for the last half an hour and, apparently, it was getting on her nerves.

Autumn took a less brusque approach. “Babe, why don’t you go lay down or take a shower? We can call you when it’s over.”

If I weren’t so tense, I would’ve laughed. They had once again tag-teamed and they were babying me. In a way, it was good to see Autumn and Delia united about something. It had been two months since they had come together and told me I needed to stop taking on so much responsibility. Although they were cordial since then, when they were both in the same room, they usually ignored each other. Yet, for the day, there had been an unspoken agreement that they’d put on a united front for me.

I sank back into the couch and told them both resolutely, “No. I’m going to watch it until the bitter end.” I turned up the volume on the television and focused back on the screen.

Autumn was playing with a loose thread at the hem of her blue sundress. She was nervous, but trying to not show it. I understood how much she wanted me to succeed, but going to the NFL also meant I’d be going away from her. I was trying to make her see that, no matter where I was, my heart would always stay with her.

“Autumn…” I began.

She put a finger to my lips to quiet me. “Shhh… they’re starting up again.”

I didn’t avert my gaze right away. I allowed myself to watch her chew on her lip as she listened to the mixture of former players and fans announce the draft picks.

A handful of popcorn was tossed at the side of my head. “Will you pay attention?” Delia snapped. “This is the most important minute of your life and you’re staring off into space.”

I gave her an exasperated look and tried to focus on the TV. Each team that went up and announced their pick without saying my name felt like a slap in the face. I hadn’t realized how badly I wanted to play professionally until the chance was close enough to taste.

It was nearing the end of the fourth round with only two more teams left to name their picks: the Baltimore Warriors and the San Diego Blazers. Before the announcements were made, the ESPN coverage featured the picks already made and who was left in the pool of NFL potentials. Close to two hundred players had already been chosen, and the competition among us remaining players was fierce.