#1.5 Finding Autumn (15 page)

“I said get away from me.”

Autumn threw whatever she was cradling in her hands at me. With a quick downwards glance, I saw a cheesesteak from a takeout container splatter over my shoes and the pavement. I came to the quick conclusion Autumn had come over to surprise me with lunch. I looked back at her. I tried to say with my eyes the things she didn’t likely believe—I loved her. My love for her had taken over my mind and body and had forced rationality out the window. I was a liar, but every emotion I felt for her was pure. 

She unleashed on me—slapping my chest, throwing fierce punches. I didn’t stop her. I would do anything for her. I wanted to shoulder her pain—steal every bad feeling away and make it my own. I would never achieve redemption, but as long as she’d let me, I’d try to make her see how badly I wished I could fix things.

My vision blurred and I didn’t try to blink the tears away. I’d hide nothing. She began to sob, but I didn’t make the mistake again of reaching for her. She had made her feelings clear about me touching her, and I wouldn’t go against the boundaries she had set.

“When did you know?” Autumn hissed. “
When
did you realize who I was?”

I closed my eyes and wished the moment away. How could I make her understand I wasn’t the same man she met months ago? I had never believed it before—the idea that one person could alter the very fiber of my being—but it was undeniable how much she had changed me.

Her eyes narrowed. “You saw me at the party and recognized me. So, from the moment we met, you’ve failed to mention
your father
was the one who tried to rape me.”

God, the truth fucking hurt. Being in denial had been bliss compared to having all of my sins said out loud. When Autumn and I got together, I thought I accepted the truth; but, in all honesty I never allowed myself to reconcile my stepfather with the man who tried to rape Autumn. I may have told myself Thomas was a liar, but I never really allowed myself to picture what he had done to her. Even as she opened up to me, her attacker remained faceless in my head. It was a pathetic boy’s attempt at trying to salvage a few choice childhood memories.

“He’s not my father. I did tell you the truth about my dad dying. Thomas married my mother when I was six.”

“Did he put you up to it? Was it some kind of twisted revenge scheme?”

Her words sliced into me—laying me to waste. She had every right to think the worst, but it hurt like all hell. For her to believe I’d conspire with Thomas against her told me, in no uncertain terms, I had lost her for good.

“God, no,” I choked out. “Is that what you honestly think I’d do? I know how bad this looks, but I never set out to hurt you. I haven’t talked to Thomas in a year, and I’ve tried to move on after his arrest. I saw you at the Football House and it felt like I was seeing a ghost. The decent thing to do would’ve been to stay away from you. But I didn’t, and instead fell in love with you.”

Her biting laugh shamed me. “Fell in love with me? You’re a manipulative monster and although he’s not your blood, Thomas obviously raised you to follow in his footsteps.” Her eyes iced over and she lifted her chin up to give me a withering gaze. “Now, let me leave before I scream.”

I let go of the car door because forcing her to stay and listen would only have the reverse effect I wished to achieve. She’d resent me for being another man that took whatever he wanted from her. “I’m so sorry, Autumn. I fucked everything up, and it’s killing me to know how much you must hate me right now.”

“Fuck you, and fuck your apology.”

Without a second’s hesitation, she jumped into the car and peeled away. I fell into myself as I watch her drive away. Briefly, I considered rushing over to my car and following her. I was worried about her driving after absorbing such a powerful blow. I had hated Hunter and her friends for turning on her, but what I had done was a harsher and more personal attack. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t and wormed my way into her life. She’d gone away to college to escape, and I was dragging her backward.

I didn’t deserve her love. I wanted to fight for her, but there were irreparable things in my life. Because I could apologize, and explain away my lies, and hope that one day she’d see into my heart. Yet, there was no way to erase the fact that I was raised and loved by Thomas Bridges.

Chapter Thirteen

When I reentered the apartment, I found my mother pacing in front of the door. My first thought was to toss her ass out, but it would only delay the inevitable. My mom and Delia needed to be hit over the head with the cold hard truth. Instead of unburdening my conscience, I would have rather raided my liquor cabinet. Maybe after a few hundred shots, the pain of watching Autumn drive away with hatred in her eyes would diminish.

Before my mother could open her mouth, Delia dashed over. “Blake, why was she here?”

“Maybe we should go into the living room and talk.” My voice sounded calm and rational. I had checked out, and I was only going through the motions. Why couldn’t I have lived the lie for a little longer?

“No!” my mother shouted with a vein pulsing in the center of her forehead. Delia jumped at the sound of our mom’s voice. “You’re going to tell us right here and right now what the hell is going on.”

“Autumn is a student at Cook. I met her a few months ago at a party,” I said wearily. “She didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t tell her. When she saw you just now, she figured out our connection.”

“Blake, are you with
her
?” The way Delia put emphasis on “her” told me she’d regard it as a mortal sin. Dating Autumn would be the equivalent of burning Delia’s father alive and laughing as the flames licked across his skin.

“Yes.” I allowed the conviction to seep into my tone. Despite my relationship being massacred before my eyes minutes ago, I had to make it clear to my family I was in love with Autumn.

My mother marched up to me. She pulled her hand back and smacked her palm with brutal force across my face. Jerking away from her, I gritted my teeth together.

Delia let out a loud gasp from the sidelines, and burst into tears.

“You fucking traitorous little boy! When will you stop making my life miserable?” my mother demanded, detonating her full fury on me. “We were alone and on the brink of being put on welfare after your father died. Thomas saved us. He saved
you
.” My mother had the savior speech memorized, and I was done hearing it again and again.

“He tried to rape her—”

“Shut your mouth!” my mom screamed. “I have no idea what lies that slut put into your head.”

“She’s not a slut!” I yelled back at her. “For chrissake, she was seventeen—”

She cut me off. “So what? Do you think I don’t know what goes on in high school? Your sister is sixteen, and I know all about the perversions of the girls her age. They’re not innocent children. Autumn knew exactly what she was doing when she went after my husband. Maybe he shouldn’t have encouraged her, but he did not
rape
her.”

“Mom, please can we go?” Delia sobbed. I tried to go to her and comfort her, but she took a step back.

“Del, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,” I said, resigned. “I never wanted to hurt anyone.”

“Then, why did you do it?” Delia wiped away the tears on her face and glared at me. “You could’ve been with
anyone else
. Why did you have to go after Autumn Dorey?”

“I only wanted to get to know her and try to make sense of what happened between her and Thomas.” I blew out a long and shaky breath. “I never meant to have feelings for her.”

“We’re done, Blake,” my mother said in an affronted tone. “Don’t think you can lord your grandparents’ money over me and I’ll be okay with this. You want to be part of our family again—you stay away from Autumn and reconcile with your father. If you’re
lucky
, in time, he may forgive you.”

Autumn was a part of me now, and I’d never stay away from her because of my family. I’d stay away if that was what she wanted from me. But never would I sever her from my life for Thomas.

“No,” I said firmly. “I’m in love with her.”

The shocking statement rendered my mother silent. She flicked a cold and hard stare in my direction.

“You stupid, stupid boy,” my mother spat. “You think you’re better than your stepdad, but you’re making the same mistakes. He was also a fool and thought with his dick instead of his brain.”

“You
can’t
love her, Blake. Do you know what Dad has been through in jail?” Delia cried out. “He’s been beaten, spit at, and god knows what else. He’s surrounded by scumbags day in and day out—and it’s all because of Autumn.”

I looked at my sweet and naïve sister, and I hated myself for causing her to suffer. She wasn’t even seventeen yet, and I was telling her I believed the man who raised us both was a sex offender.
Fuck my life
.

“I’m so sorry, Del. If there’s one thing I regret is that you’re put in the middle of it. I would never ask you to choose sides.” She opened her mouth to reply, but I added quickly, “But I ask you to respect my choice.”

“You want to be with Autumn—go right ahead and mess up your life.” My mother snatched her purse off of the end table and pulled it close to her body. “But Autumn Dorey will
ruin
you. You’re going to lose all the things you worked for—
we
worked for. If you get to the NFL, you won’t have Autumn to thank for it. You’ll owe it all to your stepfather.”

My mom knocked into my side as she stormed to the front door of the apartment. Delia’s eyes were swimming as she regarded me. Shamefaced, I looked down at the floor. Her high-heeled shoes clicked against the wood as she followed my mom out of the apartment. I was finally alone.

The urge to destroy everything in sight rose up inside me. I fantasized about tossing the furniture around and slamming my fist through the wall. I wanted to break everything because I had broken my relationship with Autumn. But lashing out would be something the boy in me would do. If I wanted to win Autumn back, I needed to be a man she deserved.

***

Don’t do this
, I urged myself. I was standing in the hallway of Autumn’s dorm, and trying to figure out if I should knock on the door or walk away. I told myself I should give her time—time to wrap her head around the explosion that occurred a few short hours earlier. But I couldn’t leave it alone. I had to convince her that, regardless of my lies, I was madly in love with her. Maybe the fact I loved her didn’t erase my transgressions, but I didn’t want her to walk away from us without knowing the entire story.

I knocked on the door and shoved my hands into my pants pockets as I waited. I had too much nervous energy and kept shifting from side to side as the door remained closed.

Finally, it swung open. Autumn’s roommate had fire and brimstone in her eyes as she glowered in my direction. “Go away, Blake. She doesn’t want to see you.”

Strangely enough, I was pleased Lexi wasn’t being a pushover when it came to looking out for her friend. Firsthand, I’d witnessed how cruel Autumn’s friends had been in high school. I couldn’t fault Lexi for trying to watch over Autumn. “I need to talk to her and at least explain myself—”

“Haven’t you done enough?” Lexi scoffed. She pulled her shoulders back as she stood her ground. “Are you some sort of masochist? You have to come here and see what kind of pain you caused her?”

I shook my head. “No. It’s true I’m a fucking horrible person for lying, but I thought telling her the truth would only hurt her more. I’m a coward, and I deserve it if she hates me. But I still need to make sure she’s okay.”

My hope was Autumn couldn’t possibly hate me more than I hated myself. I shouldn’t have pretended to be someone I wasn’t for as long as I did, but I couldn’t wish my lies away. I regretted harming her, but the truth was if I had told her who I was—she would have never been mine.

Lexi looked primed to punch me in the face. “Of course she’s not okay. And if you don’t walk away in the next five seconds, I’m calling security to remove you from this building.”

“It’s fine, Lex. I want to talk to him.” My heart picked up speed as I heard Autumn. It felt like years since I had heard her voice. But I hated how lost she sounded.

“Autumn…” her roommate started.

Autumn didn’t let Lexi finish her thought. “I want to know the truth about everything, and he’s the only one who has the answers.”

Autumn came into view and I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms. She looked so vulnerable and unlike the girl I had come to know. I had shaken her confidence, and I didn’t want to be the one to undermine all the progress she had made since leaving Newpine behind. She’d left her hometown to begin again and I’d brought all the memories back to her doorstep.

“Should I stay?” Lexi addressed Autumn.

“I should probably talk to him alone.” Autumn finally met my eyes, and I could see the mistrust in them. “He won’t hurt me.”

Her words reduced me to ashes. How could she believe I’d hurt her? Maybe I deserved her anger, but not her fear. I could be considered many things, but I wouldn’t be chucked in the same category as my stepfather.

Autumn watched me warily as Lexi got her books together. I remained stoic despite my wrecked emotions. There was a high likelihood I’d only get one chance at explaining myself, and I didn’t want to mess it up. I had to stay composed if I wanted to get Autumn to listen. I had to be a rock and not become unhinged by my need to bring her into my arms and hold her close.

“You need anything, just call me and I’ll be here,” Lexi told Autumn.

“I will,” Autumn said.

Before marching out of the room, Lexi shot me another dirty look. I thought I’d be grateful to be left alone with Autumn, but the room suddenly felt too small to hold in all the things left unsaid between us. 

Autumn waited for me to speak while my agitation intensified. Being with her had been selfish, but I needed her. I wanted it to get through to her that I was hurting right alongside her. But all the words I came up with in my head sounded unsubstantial. Finally, I said, “I wanted to tell you who I was so many times, but I always backed out at the last minute. I knew the second I said I was Thomas’s stepson, I would lose you forever.”