#1.5 Finding Autumn (16 page)

“You never had me, Blake, if I never knew who you really were.”

Her words punctured my heart. I’ve had my share of losses in my life, but nothing compared to being told by my love that what we had wasn’t real. I would accept her anger, but I would never accept that it was wrong to love her.

“I deserve that. I was going to tell you this weekend when you stayed over. I never wanted you to find out that way. My mother—”

She didn’t let me finish. “I don’t want to talk about Cassie Bridges, and you’re delusional if you thought you’d tell me Thomas was your stepfather and I would still sleep with you.” She seemed to push aside her sadness and gave me a grim look while crossing her arms in front of her body. “Why did you try to be my friend?”

I had prepared for her to ask the tough questions. Being honest with her was like facing down a firing squad, but I needed to be sincere. “It took me a while to recover from seeing you at the Football House. I saw your picture a couple of years ago when you went to the police about Thomas. Delia and I looked you up online, and we were able to see your Facebook profile before you took it down. Later, we got hold of one of your school’s yearbooks and I saw your picture again. I needed to put a face to the name of the person who my parents accused of ruining our family.”

“So your family hated me? That’s no surprise. I’m guessing by how you gave me the look of death at the party, you shared their feelings?”

“I should probably start from the beginning so this makes sense.”

I took a deep breath and launched into a brief history lesson of how Thomas came into my life. As I told her about his role as my replacement dad, I squirmed under her scrutiny. I felt like her gaze was saying,
Why hadn’t you seen who he truly was? How could you love a monster?

“We were totally floored when the police arrested him. I was a freshman here, but I came home as soon as my mom called and told me what he was accused of doing. He told us he had made a stupid mistake, and he would regret it for the rest of his life. He convinced us you were a sexual deviant and had begged him to bed you,” I explained. I was disgusted with myself—filled with revulsion over having to admit out loud how utterly wrong I’d been about her. 

“And, of course, you believed it.”

I could hear the judgment in her tone. But I wished she would think about what the situation had been like from my perspective. I hadn’t known Autumn two years ago. All I knew then was my stepfather had always been good to me. I had wanted so badly to believe him because I had lost one dad already. It was easier to hope the girl who accused him was a liar. Thomas had been perfect to my youthful brain, but I could see the cracks now. There was a facet of extreme machismo to him I may have selectively overlooked.

I stared at her bare feet. “I found the stuff Faye posted about you online. I saw the pictures and read the stories, and I took it at face value.”

“And you thought what?” she cried, lifting up onto her toes to get close to my height. “You wanted to see if I was really Whorey Dorey?”

It was god-awful to hear it, but what she said held more than a grain of truth. I had approached her with the purpose of finding out whether or not she willingly had a relationship with Thomas. At first, I had become a friend to her because I hated the sensation of never knowing whom to believe. Ultimately, I had used Autumn because I wanted to justify having Thomas back in my life.

“Thomas went to jail and we lost everything,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “Delia had to switch schools, and we had to rely on the money left from my grandparents to live on. It was embedded into my brain that Autumn Dorey was responsible for every problem in our lives. But there’s always been a niggle of doubt in the back of my mind. It seemed like fate when I realized you went to the same college as I did.”

“It wasn’t fate, it was a coincidence. The worst kind of coincidence—the kind where the universe decided to give me the middle finger.”

She wasn’t taking what I said to heart. Autumn was a survivor, and she had impenetrable shields in place to keep herself from being harmed again. In her mind, I was an enemy, and my words were merely weapons.

I kept talking. “I met you and decided I wanted to find out the real story. I tried to be your friend because if you found out I was Thomas’s stepson, I would never learn your version of things.”

“So you decided to play junior detective and question me about my past? You’re pathetic.”

I ignored her dig. Things were ugly enough, and I wouldn’t waste what little time I had trying to stop the character assassination. “It soon became crystal clear you were nothing like I expected and every fear I had about Thomas was confirmed.”

“Okay, so you stopped thinking I was the real predator and your stepfather wasn’t the hapless victim of my feminine wiles. Then why did you continue to stick around?”

“I saw how hard of a time you were having coping with what had happened. I liked you from the get-go and I hated knowing my stepfather caused someone so much misery…”

Her eyes grew cold. “I don’t know what’s worse—you trying to investigate me or you thinking your friendship would somehow fix what your father did to me.”

“Nothing could fix it, I realize that. It was a horrible feeling, knowing how much pain someone I loved had caused. And I hated myself for not seeing sooner that there was something dark inside of him. Maybe I could’ve prevented you from getting hurt.”

“So, instead your plan was to make me love you to ease the hurt? Blake, you had to know I was going to find out the truth eventually,” she said and shook her head in disbelief.

She was beginning to sound more despondent than angry. Neither emotion helped my case. “I made so many mistakes with you, and I told myself to walk away over and over again. But I did feel a connection to you and I found it impossible to break it. I’d see you at a party or at class and I could only think about holding you and kissing you. You had so much warmth about you, and I found it unforgivable Thomas had hurt this beautiful girl I was falling for. I had the insane thought that despite the universe saying we didn’t belong together—it could actually work.”

I was putting myself completely out there, and I was begging for her to believe in my sincerity. Maybe it would take a long time for her to see that I wasn’t a total asshole, but I hoped once I left, my words would continue to echo around in her head.

“Does
he
know about us?”

Another valid question, but damn, it hurt for her to not acknowledge I had basically told her she had come to mean everything to me. Panic seemed to consume her as she waited for my answer.

“No. I haven’t spoken to him in more than a year,” I said softly. “For the first year he was in prison, I’d go see him, and I would demand to know why he would have an affair with a student. He had been a teacher and coach for almost twenty years. What drove him to throw his family and career away? I couldn’t understand why my mom forgave him and why she didn’t hold him accountable for what happened. But my mom has no idea how to survive on her own. She may not have liked what Thomas had done, but she can’t imagine a life without him.”

“He’s getting released next month.”

She sounded frightened and a dark feeling settled over me. If I could, I’d find a way to keep Thomas imprisoned and out of both our lives forever. I hated the immobilized sensation that came along with the knowledge that she wouldn’t let me keep her safe. 

“I know,” I said. “My mom told me and Thomas has written me several times from jail. He wants to start over when he gets out and rebuild our relationship.”

“Is that what you want?” She sounded sickened by the idea.

“I haven’t written him back, and I didn’t open up the last two letters he sent. I miss the person I thought he was, but I won’t forgive him.” She still had a queasy look on her face, but she seemed somewhat relieved. “My mother will let him know about us and I’m sorry for that. I told her how I feel about you and she’s furious. She sees it as a betrayal, and, although I told her the truth about our meeting, she’ll warp it around in her mind until she believes you targeted me. I asked her to leave today and told her I didn’t want to see her again.”

There was no room for doubt. I would never sacrifice what I had with Autumn to win back my mom’s favor. “What I’ve done is unforgivable. I’ve lied to you and although you opened yourself up to me, I never did the same.” I shut my eyes, hoping when they reopened, things would be different. “But I’m asking you to forgive me.
I need you
, Autumn, and I’ll do anything not to lose you. If there’s one thing you have to believe it’s that I love you. I tried to hold back because I understood how dangerous it would be for me to have these feelings—but it was impossible not to fall for you.”

I opened my eyes and I immediately took in how her entire body was shaking. She had kept her distance while we argued, but I needed her close. Stepping forward, I leaned down to press my forehead to hers. I wanted to hold her so tightly she’d never run away from me again. I’d offer my comfort, even if she didn’t want it. She didn’t back away from me, and I hoped it was some sort of sign that she’d find me worthy of atonement.

“How can I forgive you? How can I forget who you are?” she whispered.

She couldn’t forget who I was, but it didn’t have to mean we were over. I was the stepson of a very bad man, but that didn’t automatically make me a terrible person. I was learning to accept my flaws.

I put my arms around her and took a leap of faith by pressing my lips against hers. It was barely a peck, but the kiss left me aching for so much more. She started to respond, but I imagined her talking herself out of it when she stepped out of my embrace.

Her eyes were somber as she looked at me. “Blake, I can’t be with you. I took a huge risk trusting you, and I can’t do it again. After my attack, I isolated myself and thought I’d never get close to anyone again. You made me feel safe and protected, but my intuition was horribly wrong.”

“I can’t change what I already did, but I promise you I’ll never lie to you again. I waited so long to tell the truth because I wanted to steal as many moments as possible when I was just Blake and you were just Autumn.”

“You should go,” she said in a soft whisper. She sounded tired and it stung. Why couldn’t she fight for us? I’d be willing to slay all our demons if it meant we could be together.

“Will you call me? Can we talk some more?” It was a frantic plea, but I had checked my pride at the door. I’d rather face rejection than not making it clear how strongly I felt for her.

“There’s nothing left to say, Blake.” She opened her dorm’s door and motioned me toward it. “You said you thought before the decent thing would’ve been to walk away. Please, can you do it now? I need you to let me go.”

Her dismissal felt like she clawed through my chest and dragged out my heart. “I love you, Autumn Dorey, and I say a big fuck you to every last person who tells me what I feel for you is wrong. I’d do anything for you, and if you want me to leave you alone, I will. But I feel like although I never told you everything about my family,
you still know me
. You get me and I hope if I give you time, you’ll see I want to share everything with you. I want to share every moment, not just the good ones. I can’t take away your pain, but I want to be there whenever you need me.”

“Goodbye, Blake,” she said softly.

Momentarily, she let her defenses slip and I could see she was affected by my words. Would it be enough? I’d leave because if we were to survive, she needed the time to come to terms with our new reality.

I committed the way she looked to memory—knowing it could be the last time I’d ever see her. I wanted to be able to recall her wide brown eyes framed by long lashes… her sweet pouty lips… her blonde hair that fell, tousled, down her back.

My steps were leaden as I walked past her and out into the hallway. I couldn’t accept that it could be goodbye forever. But I had done what I could. It was up to Autumn to accept that it was sometimes impossible to choose whom to love. On paper, Autumn and I shouldn’t have worked, but the heart didn’t always listen to what the dictates of life ceaselessly tried to write down.

Chapter Fourteen

My body was on fire—my muscles screaming as I moved as swiftly over the ladder rungs. My legs burned and my lungs were protesting as I tried to beat my best time. I tried to zone out and let my body take over to get the job done. But I was letting my brain interfere once again and one misstep led to another and another. Each time my foot landed in the wrong spot, more time was added onto the clock.

Coach Jacobs blew the whistle after I finished the ladder drill and shook his head at me. He didn’t have to say a word—disappointment was clear in his features. “Again!” he shouted. “Speed doesn’t matter a rat’s ass, Preston, if you don’t have control!”

I didn’t have control over anything. My life had spiraled, and I couldn’t do shit about it. The first game of my senior football season was a few short weeks away, and I’d be lucky if a junior varsity high school team would put me on the field. I thought I could throw myself into football and forget everything else—but it hadn’t worked. Training under the hot August sun left me with too much time to think when all I had wanted was to turn it off.

It had been three months since the last time I saw Autumn back in May—and probably three hours since the last time I picked up my phone with the intention to call her. My whole summer had been a guessing game of how Autumn was doing and questioning whether she was missing me a fraction of how much I missed her.

Maybe I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but I would forfeit my soul for it. I would be thrilled if she called me just to say what a bastard she thought I was—at least I’d know she still felt
something
toward me. Being cut out completely was a fate I couldn’t live with.

Darien kept telling me to get over it—pushing women on me in hopes I’d forget Autumn. But I couldn’t screw her out of my brain. I loved her, and sleeping with another woman to get over Autumn would be another poor lapse in judgment. I already had enough guilt on my conscience; I didn’t need to add to my penance.