15 Things Highly Happy Wives and Girlfriends Understand About Men That You Don't (4 page)

Men are simple, and have a few things that they love in life that they just want to enjoy without being read the riot act.

First, it is time to decompress. Whether it has been a rough day at the office, or a great day to be alive, men need time to sort out the day and just relax.

This means something different for different men. Some enjoy grabbing a beer after work with friends, and some enjoy playing a video game for an hour or so after they get home. Some like to sit in their yard in a lawn chair, and some like to watch the evening news.

Whatever it is, give your man the space to enjoy it, while you use that same amount of time to do something YOU enjoy.

Chances are, if you had an evening routine that involved trashy magazines and a bubble bath after a long day, you would not want him sitting on the edge of the tub complaining about his coworkers.

So why would you think you are entitled to the same experience?

In addition, do not take his need to decompress as a sign that he does not want to be with you. Of course he wants to be with you.

That is why you are dating, living together or are married. Allowing him to have the downtime he needs is one way to insure he is happy in the relationship as well.

It also gives you the freedom to have your very own downtime, instead of having to hop on a dinner plan the moment you leave the office. Enjoy the freedom, or even better, join him for a drink if you would like.

As long as you respect his space while doing so, and do not disrupt his decompression time as a way to initiate your own agenda.

When he does get home, know that it is possible to wait for more than sixty seconds after your man walks into the door to start going over all of the upcoming commitments you have made on his behalf.

This is a terrible time to expect him to listen, interact or objectively agree with your decisions. If he had a bad day, the last thing he is going to want to hear about is how you made dinner plans with a couple he does not enjoy as much as you do.

In fact, he will probably be opposed to it, leading to your becoming defensive, and within ten minutes of seeing each other an argument ensues. This is absolutely unnecessary, and a terrible position for you to put him in.

Give him time to change clothes, and relax.

While giving him some room to breathe, keep in mind that he cannot ask you how your day was if you are too busy complaining about the other women at your office, or assigning chores upon his arrival. Everyone relax, and take some time to unwind from the day before planning the next several in succession.

If you absolutely have to make plans that will interfere with the two of you enjoying a little downtime on a weekday, make a plan for it so everyone is prepared.

For example, if you have a dinner engagement on a Wednesday night, mention it in the morning before you both part ways. Create a plan for whether you are both returning home and driving together, or are leaving from the office to save time.

When expectations are created and met, everyone is happier for the commitment to teamwork. This is a combined effort, and one that should be decided upon together, so everyone shares the responsibility of making the event an enjoyable one.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

•   Don’t view his relaxation time as an opportunity to talk his ear off while he’s captive. Let him do his thing and surprisingly enough if you leave him completely alone for a half hour or so, he’ll almost always come looking for you when he’s done recharging.

•   Take it easy on the plans-making sometimes. If your man doesn’t click well with one of your friend’s husband or boyfriend, quit making it a couples thing… hang out with your friend alone. If you can tell your man doesn’t like always hanging out with a certain couple or certain friends of yours, but he does anyway, give him some credit for trying to make you happy but meet him halfway. As a guy I can tell you that there is nothing worse than being trapped into plans with people that you don’t want to be around. We’re old enough and life is short enough that we don’t want to suffer through things that we don’t want to do. We do it sometimes because we know it’s not all about us and what we want, but don’t abuse our desire to make you happy.

If you want your man to support your hobbies and social agenda, it is absolutely important that you support his. When you two met, there was probably an established ritual that you both abided by and enjoyed.

Maybe you had lunch with your girlfriends on Saturdays, and he watched football with his friends on Sundays. For the sake of being a successful couple, these things do not have to change once you are in a relationship.

The problem is, women want to continue their lunch dates, girls nights and their texting and talking sessions at all hours of the day and night, but do not allow their men to have the same luxuries.

Why?

Why is it okay for women to change absolutely nothing about their lives when they enter a relationship, but men have to change everything?

It is imperative that women respect the routine of their man, before trying to change its existence and procedures. When a couple moves in together, there are a number of things they have to work out, even if it is something as simple as a showering schedule.

It takes a while to figure out the nuisances of each other's patterns, and there are certain to be some stumbling blocks along the way.

There are certainly going to have to be times of compromise, when a company or family picnic that you want your man to attend falls on a Sunday.

If he is already enjoying every other Sunday watching football with friends, without you protesting each and every week, he is going to be willing to give up one of those Sundays if you ask.

The keyword is ASK -- not demand. Men like to be given options, and are much more cooperative when they are asked to do something, and not told.

Men like to participate in a relationship with a woman, not feel like they are being mothered or bullied into participating in events. Men are very simple, and will do anything their loving woman asks, if they ask and do not demand.

If it is at all possible, saying things like "I told you to (do this)" or "I said for you to (do this)" why not say, "I asked if you would, and you said yes."

When women start slinging the words "I told" and "I said" it immediately sends men into retreat. They do not want to be TOLD what to do.

They are grown-ups, by the way. They want to be asked for their participation by someone who respects their existence. Women will get a lot farther with men once they realize that telling and asking are two totally different things, and each is a direct reflection of your respect levels.

Think of it this way, if your man plays basketball every Monday night, and you need him to attend an important function with you on a Monday, ask yourself this: Did you purposely schedule it on a Monday, even though you know he is busy on those nights?

If you did, he should not have to attend the event. If you have completely disregarded his calendar of events for your personal agenda, you are not being fair.

If there was no other option, explain that to him when you ASK him to join you, so he has time to find a substitute for the game. Also, do not make it a habit to wreck his calendar to benefit yours.

Respect his time and his commitments, instead of overruling their existence. You would never want him -- or anyone, for that matter -- to double book you. Respect the fact he is your partner, and insure that his freedoms and social life are taken into consideration before you start scheduling his appearances.

Once a couple realizes that the other actually has a life outside of them it is easier to plan your lives together. If you know Mondays do not work for him, make Tuesdays extra special nights for the both of you. If you want to plan a trip for the weekend, make sure it does not fall on a Sunday where he has tickets to a home game.

If women take the time to consider that men also have needs, desires and commitments, they will spend the rest of their time honoring your requests. If you decide, instead, to override their lives with your needs, wants and desires, they are going to resent you for it.

There is nothing wrong with couples respecting each other's space, time and commitments. In fact, it is healthy, supportive and completely natural to enjoy time apart. It is not healthy or natural to monopolize his time, or to boss him out of his existing plans.

Adults understand that the other person also has a life, and if you are not operating under this capacity, you are acting like a child. Men enjoy dating women, not little girls.

Step up and act like the confident, successful and appreciative woman he will love and shower with affection.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

•   Don’t try to change or keep him from doing the things he did before you were together. Obviously there are some things that no one should do, so if it’s a legitimate change that needs to be made then that’s different- but if he gets together with his friends once a month to play poker, don’t stand in his way and make a point of contention.

•   Avoid “telling” him what he can and can’t do. Men- or pretty much anyone- don’t respond well to someone acting like their mother. We don’t go out and get married to get ourselves a second mom.

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When couples apply that actual label to their relationships, it is if all privacy and sense of self goes down the drain. Women, particularly, want to know everything about everyone that is in their man's life.

Especially with the increased popularity of social networking, Facebook "friends" and Twitter "followers" are scrutinized at every turn. What women have to understand is that no one likes being judged, ridiculed or made to feel defensive.

When you exude confidence, and allow your man to have the space he needs to communicate with others -- whether they are men or women -- he will respect you even more. A confident woman is a sexy woman, and when men have such a woman in their life, they are proud of her and want to show her off to the world.

This means they do not feel threatened by your involvement in their lives, and will not spend their time trying to hide things from you.

If you spend all of your time snooping through their computer, phone, email and social sites, they are going to start feeling defensive, instead of open.

Starting a conversation by shouting, "Who the hell is Jill, and why is she commenting on your Facebook photos!" is not a way to communicate with someone you love. First of all, your man has no control over who comments on his photos. Second, who cares who Jill is? YOU are his woman, and he loves you!

Why are you allowing some chick he went to high school with (or used to work with, or who lives next door to his parents) ruin your evening?

Petty arguments, jealousies and monitoring are huge turn offs to men. If you think you have to monitor who your man is communicating with, you are not in a trustworthy adult relationship, and Facebook is the least of problems.

In order to be in a respectable, loving relationship, both people have to trust each other's judgment. If this is not something you can do, you either need to work on your confidence, or find a new man who does not make you feel threatened.

Men are incredibly transparent, and do not enjoy hiding anything. It is simply too much work for them to worry about! If you give them a reason to feel otherwise, it is going to upset your relationship, and leave you constantly on the lookout for something to complain about.