1995 - The UnDutchables (16 page)

Sex shops (see Chapter 18) may stock other shapes.

If as a visitor you decide to sample some
drop
, don’t be embarrassed to spit it out after two or three sucks. Most people do.

Once you decide you definitely don’t like the stuff, steer well clear of a favourite fairground fascination whereby contestants scoop up ladles of
drop
which they estimate to be a certain weight—usually 1/2 ‘Dutch pound’ (
pond
). If the scooped droppings are exactly the target weight, the lucky contestants are awarded the batch free of charge. If the target weight is missed (even by a few milligrams), the contestants pay for the goodies.

When you are (finally) invited to a Dutch home for a cup of coffee, you will almost certainly be offered a
koekje
(biscuit, cookie) to go with your coffee (see Chapter 14 for coffee drinking etiquette).
Koekje
-offering is a memorable event for foreigners. Typically, once the coffee has been served, a metal box is taken out of an impressive wooden cupboard. The mysterious metal box is opened and you are invited to take a
koekje -
ONE SINGLE
koekje-
after which the box is slammed shut and put away again. If you decline the coffee, the
koekje
-tin will be offered to all those who have accepted the
koffie
, and you will be by-passed.

Visits to a Dutch home have a regular pattern. First you are invited only for
koffie
and a
koekje
. If you are liked, you may eventually be invited to stay longer than coffee and be served alcoholic drinks and snacks. You’ve really arrived if you are invited for dinner. Dinners are a special and intimate event for the Dutch. A dinner invitation is not easily given, especially by the older generation.

If you do stay for dinner, you might be fortunate enough to observe Dutch dish washing (if you don’t find yourself doing it) since the dining area often affords a view of this activity. Here is the basic procedure:

• Force a plastic bowl the size of the sink into the sink. Add environment-friendly washing-up liquid, scalding hot water and a sponge (optional).
  
• Exchanging your sponge for a dish brush (
  afwas-borsteltje
  ) with handle, fish an item out of the brutally hot water with the stick-end of the brush.
  
• Scrub the item clean with the brush-end of the brush. If the item is very deep, ignore the fact that the brush doesn’t reach the bottom.
  
• Once the item is clean, place it in the dish rack, making certain you do not rinse off the soap.
  
• Let the dish brush sink to the bottom of the basin.
  
• Make several attempts to fish the brush out of the hot water, and once you succeed, juggle the brush back and forth from left hand to right hand until it cools down enough to use it.
  
• Search for another item to wash and repeat the process until the bowl appears to be empty. There will always be one or two teaspoons left at the bottom after the procedure is complete.
  
• If necessary, restock the bowl with dirty dishes and repeat the sequence. If the water is dirty but hot, reuse it. If it is clean but only warm, replace it.
  
• When all is done, use a towel to rub the soap deposit and any remaining food into the ‘clean’ items.
  
• Finally—and you’re on your own with this one -concoct a method to lift the full, hot, pliant and snugly-fitting bowl from the sink
  WITHOUT SPILLING THE WATER EVERYWHERE
  .
  

Cloggy
kitchens are also a treasure chest of gadgetry. Best known, perhaps, are the uncleanable garlic press and the slotted spade-like cheese-slicer (
kaasschaaf
) that miraculously produces the stingy, stealth-like slithers of processed curd previously reported. (Try it on anything other than
cloggy kaas
and you risk being left with a pile of crumbled crud that resembles a scale model of the walls of Jericho after The Event.)

But by far the most Dutch of Dutch kitchen drawer-ware is the
flessenlikker
or bottle-scraper. This wonderous, flexible wand is a pleasure to both behold and be held. With a few skillful flicks of the wrist, the experienced
flessenlikker
driver can extract enough of those last few elusive smudgettes from a mayonnaise jar or ketchup bottle to (sometimes) save as much as a few cents over a 12-month period. And those last few salvaged remnants taste so much better than the rest of the stuff!

This Dutch-declared device (invented by a Norwegian) has typically met with success only in Holland. It makes an excellent (read: cheap) gift or party piece abroad, as baffled foreigners try to figure out what it is:

• backscratcher?
  
• part of a lightweight Bicycle pump?
  
• mini roulette scoop?
  
• flower-arrangement embellishment?
  
• feminine hygiene/gay-play device?
  
• instrument for removing Dutch doggy doo-doo from sufferer’s shoe soles?
  

They’ll never guess…and probably never want one!

SEX ‘N DRUGS AND ROCK ‘N ROLL

Wealthy Dutchmen would rather talk about their sex lives than their money, and their sex lives are far less interesting
.

—J. van Hezewijk, The Top Elite of the Netherlands, 1987

Every society, no matter how wealthy or puritanical, has its dark side. Having covered the finer elements of the Dutch in the 17 chapters preceding this, we now turn to the more infamous aspects. The three major cities of Holland (Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague) are cities for the young-at-heart, and the nucleus of open vice, crime and corruption. In the 1980’s, Amsterdam was proclaimed the CULTURAL capital of Europe; earlier, it acquired, and still retains, the status of GAY capital of Europe and DRUG capital of Europe.

In some rural areas, diluted forms of vice, crime and corruption are prevalent. In others, strict Calvinism and other moral standards have stemmed the tide of indecency to the extent that cigarette vending machines are emptied at midnight on Saturdays to prevent trading on a Sunday.

It has been said that the Dutch approach the subject of sex with the warmth and passion of an ice cube. Sex is an act society encourages of individuals aged 14 and up. (In 1987, much pressure was applied to the Government to lower the age of consent from 16 to 12 years.) Many mothers monitor their young teenage daughters for signs of their first menstruation. This is the time to whisk the poor, confused girl to her doctor for her first birth control kit. The male situation is quite different. At the first signs of pubescence, it is not unusual for a Dutch lad to be hounded by his father to experiment with sex, sometimes with no concern for the consequences.

These magnificent displays of understanding and tenderness sow the seeds of sex attitude in the developing children. By the time they reach adulthood, performing the sex act regularly is considered part of the daily routine. In the words of a housewife;

Ja, having sex is something you do in the morning and at night, like brushing your teeth
.

Sex can be mentioned coldly but candidly with dinner guests: ‘
The children had fun at the beach yesterday. We had good sex last night. I must go to the dentist soon
.’

Spontaneous stripping and nakedness on the part of
cloggies
should not necessarily be interpreted as a sexual gesture. They peel off at the slightest excuse and in front of whomever happens to be within visual range. An unwitting visitor meeting a relative for the first time, upon presenting an item of clothing as a gift, may be shocked when the new acquaintance eagerly undresses in front of everyone present in order to try on the clothing. Likewise, visitors to the country are expected to nonchalantly flash their flesh where the natives would. When visiting a doctor, there are no dressing gowns, and patients are expected to undress and remain stark naked in front of the doctor, staff and medical students for the duration of many procedures.

The subject of abortion (a
Vrouwen
birthright) is treated with similar nonchalance:

‘
Did your period start yet?
’

‘
No, I had an abortion. On the way home, my bicycle had a puncture
…’

In an attempt to make sex somewhat interesting, such tantalizing products as illuminating condoms, flavoured condoms and edible underwear are available.

Prostitution grew and flourished in the major cities from the lusting natures of seafarers arriving from long journeys. The Dutch, ever alert to the prospect of easy florins, soon established ‘red light districts’ and even neighbourhoods for the plying of the prostitution trade. These areas are nowadays principally found in the
Randstad
, especially in Amsterdam. With the advent of sexual openness in the western world in the 1960’s, these areas have lost their sleaziness and become major tourist attractions. Prostitutes accept major credit cards, cheques, foreign currency—anything that represents MONEY. They exude pride in their profession (making no attempt to disguise their business); attend regular medical check-ups which are organized by the local Government; and enjby a healthy relationship with the tax officials who will generally grant deductions for a range of occupational necessities.

Due to the social advantages of fucking for funds in Holland, a large foreign element exists among the prostitute community (in The Hague, more than 25% of prostitutes hold non-Dutch passports). They enter the country, work for three months and claim a tax refund prior to leaving ‘
as a traveling circus through Europe
.’ All is not plain sailing, however, as many complain about the difficulties of getting Moroccan, Turkish and even many Dutch men to ‘
hoist a condom
.’

The
Rode Draad
(Red Thread) organisation, representing
cloggy
ladies of pleasure (and, presumably, gentlemen of pleasure), frequently protests governmental attempts to tighten up on things such as lighting, toilets, wash facilities and working arrangements. As with all Dutch organisations, they have their own set of membership demands. Among these demands are:

• Permit prostitutes (
  sexwerkers
  ) to choose whether they work in a club or independently. ‘
  Prostitution is acreative profession that requires creative rules
  .’
  
• Exempt prostitutes from revealing their true names for official purposes.
  
• Provide improved conditions and benefits such as social security, sick pay, special tax tariffs, pension benefits, pregnancy leave and compensation for time off during menstruation.
  

Perhaps the best compromise for this conflict would be to instigate partial Government ownership of the industry, wherein the sex business owners would receive subsidies from local Government departments (health, occupational hazards, tourism and art) to improve the quality of service for all to enjoy: the Dutch Civil Cervix.

Nowhere in this particular conflict does the subject of suppressing open prostitution occur. The main opposition to open prostitution comes from the regiment of liberated
Vrouwen
(see Chapter 11) who view the emancipated, enterprising ‘ladies of pleasure’ as a disease infecting the decent and honest Dutch way of life…

…
Thus, those who campaign for women’s freedom and independence are the ones that object most severely to women having achieved that status
.

In the early 1990’s, a
HFL
300,000 experiment to establish a ‘
tolerance zone
’ for prostitution in the city of Arnhem failed. The tolerance zone collapsed due to action and protest by local residents who posted some 20 people in the area from 9 pm to 2 am every evening for four months. This created an atmosphere which the press reported was ‘
too threatening and not anonymous enough for prostitutes and relief workers to start the programme
.’ This gave rise to yet another experiment whereby free heroin would be given to addicted street prostitutes…

Eventually, the national Government relented and made prostitution legally legal—and therefore legally taxable. ‘
We want to get this business out of the criminal sphere and subject it to strict regulations regarding health standards, labour conditions and public order
,’ explained legislator Marian Soutendijk. The love-ladies had a different interpretation: ‘
We’re effectively getting another pimp
,’ blasted a spokes-
vrouw
for the national prostitutes’ union.

To further stress the point that penis payment is profoundly permissible, a high court ruled that a severely handicapped man was entitled to a
HFL
65- monthly grant towards the cost of a female ‘sex aid worker.’ The sum involved was ruled no great burden on the local Government (Noordoostpolder). The man’s claim to entitlement was based on a psychological report which concluded that he had need of sex once a month. Form a line here please, gentlemen!

For those who prefer synthetic sex, the availability of all things pornographic is overwhelming. Sex shops are in such abundance that one can rarely pass through more than two streets in larger city interiors without spotting a shop window openly displaying devices, films, clothing and literature of a diverse sexual nature. Videos, peep shows (starting price
HFL
1-) and live sex shows encompass everything from ‘banana shooting’ to human/animal acts.

The heavily reported Dutch over-tolerant attitude towards drug abuse is almost as famous as their tulips and wooden shoes, but it should be noted that the most active areas are in the
Randstad
, with relatively little activity in villages and the countryside. Progressive Dutch attitude excludes soft drugs such as cannabis/hashish and marijuana from the ‘problem drugs’ category.

What seems shocking to tourists is run-of-the-(wind)mill for the urban Dutch. In Amsterdam, it is normal to see marijuana plants growing in homes and occasionally even in public places. The locals think nothing of smoking a ‘joint’ in public. The Cannabis Cafe, or Hash Cafe (
hasj-cafe
) abounds, gloriously announced by a marijuana leaf painted on the front window and/or outside sign. Ironically, many of these specialist shops are not licensed to sell beverages of an intoxicating nature. From the Dutch medical point of view, soft drugs are considered harmless when compared with the more socially-accepted alcoholic indulgence.