1995 - The UnDutchables (11 page)

Yet, as soon as a resident visa has been issued, the Surinamese and other dark-complexioned immigrants (such as Turks and Moroccans) become a welcome part of the Dutch heart-throb, for they are now THEIR ethnic minority. In addition, they are on equal footing with the locals since they are eligible for welfare benefits.

And mankind must SEE that Holland leads the world in acceptance of other races in a western state. This attitude is demonstrated in the current policy of recruitment for the police force. One goal was to have a force consisting of 25% women and 10% minorities by 1990. In order to achieve this, a policy was established for Dutch citizenship to be granted in six months, instead of ten years, to successful applicants.

Even so, the evidence of discrimination persists, confirmed by muted governmental admissions, as the following examples show:

• Quote from the Mayor of Lelystad, 1991: ‘
  Many immigrants come from countries where little or no culture exists. If they bring anythingwith them, it is their bad habits
  .’
  
• Employment agencies fill most job vacancies by bowing to racist demands from employers, despite a 1987 code of conduct forbidding hiring of labour by discrimination. To substantiate these findings, the Ministry of Social Affairs commissioned the State University of Leiden to investigate the matter. Result? Case proved 90% of the time, using a study base of 134 agencies.
  
• In 1991, the Government Information Service conceded that it had researched the possibility of compiling ‘ethnicity facts’ on gypsies, refugees, etc. If brought into law, such people would have to reveal to the authorities: their race, their parents’ race and other such details.
  

To further fertilize their insistence that they are inherently non-racist, several governmental (and other) offices provide information, brochures and hot line services in the Moroccan and Turkish languages, whereas none of the same exist in neighbouring European languages. This is one of Holland’s most useful contributions to the European Community.

In this complex era of racial-sensitivity issues, personal freedom issues, sexual liberation and killer disease, one trait remains an enviable quality of the Dutch. Black and white, friend and foe, male and female—all have an equal voice in the maelstrom of entitlement. White can always call ‘RACISM’ against black without being called ‘RACIST’ for doing so. Heterosexual can always call ‘DISCRIMINATION’ against homosexual without the fear of being labeled ‘INSENSITIVE.’ All are guaranteed a forum. Much of the western world could learn an important lesson from them.

Little can be said about Dutch manners.
Cloggies
firmly believe their manners are impeccable, but to an aware foreigner they are as rare as a dike-mender’s drill.

When abroad,
cloggies
assume no one they meet will speak Dutch. They ridicule others by making sarcastic and derogatory comments about them in Dutch. Occasionally they find themselves ridiculing fellow
cloggies
. No embarrassment or bad feeling ensues as:

• Both parties realize that they are guilty of the same.
  
• On discovery of their common nationality, both parties will agree that the ridicule is justifiably applied to the intended alien targets.
  

At home or abroad, a proper Dutch greeting consists of a brief handshake in the case of new acquaintances, or of a kiss on left-right-left cheek (= 3 kisses, total) for longer-term friends. These actions can be abbreviated, prolonged or combined, and apply to male-female and female-female greetings (not male-male, yet). Never misinterpret these rituals. Two women engaged in a handshake-1.5-kiss greeting does not signify a re-acquaintance between two lesbians who don’t trust each other—it could well indicate that there are more important things to discuss. Whichever form/combination of greeting is used, it is often accompanied by a feeling of dread, as it gives rise to yet another national phobia: the fear of sweaty hands (
zweethanden
).

Although a look of fear may at first be interpreted as mistrust of character, it is no cause for worry on the part of the sweat-recipient. Oddly, in 1991 a quarter of the Dutch population in the age group 18-50 were of the belief that AIDS can be contracted from a handshake—the sweatier the hand, the more chance of getting it. Thus, the sweatier the hand becomes, the higher the level of fear.

Correct adoption of parting gestures is as important as greetings. When leaving a friend’s home at any time of day or night, stand outside the door and repeatedly scream ‘
daaaag
’ at the top of your lungs. Then hop on your Bike and continue the serenade for a block or two. If your mode of transport is by car, drive off slowly, shouting ‘
tuuuuut
’ as often as possible. Then speed up, making sure that the whole street knows that you have spent a lovely (in most cases, read ‘mediocre’ or ‘boring’) evening at your friend’s home and that you are now leaving.

Another very common, affectionate way to say goodbye is to yell
doei
(pronounced ‘
doo-eee
’) several times. This expression is apparently used by the lower class, and is considered to be vulgar, stupid and a sign of lack of education.

Camping is a popular recreational pursuit. It is easy in Holland—official campgrounds are havens of comfort, with hot showers, shops, etc. Individual sites are marked, preplanned by the owner, and there are obviously no ‘rough spots’ on hillsides, etc.

Almost every household owns a camping shelter of some description. It can be a 1-2 person ridge tent, a grand family tent with awning and rooms, a caravan or a trailer. Yet not all are used for overnight accommodation. For some curious reason,
cloggies
make a habit of erecting tents in public parks for a few hours during a sunny day (the practice is quaintly called ‘day camping’). It may take 2-3 hours to travel, pitch the tent(s) and arrange the accessories (collapsible chairs for seating, table for coffee paraphernalia, potted plants and/or flowers, etc.) for a mere 45 minutes relaxing with nature—but they do it.
En masse
. So much so, in fact, that a sub-culture of
berm-
tourists has developed. This strain of day-camper purposely seeks out space close to major highways in order to calmly complain about the excessive traffic and its consequences prior to becoming part of the problem on the way home.

At home or abroad, overnight public campsites are an excellent place for the young
cloggies
to sadistically impose their freedom on others. Around dawn, the little ones like to begin to sing Dutch children’s songs; for a while, their parents will not interfere with this exercise of freedom and national pride.

When the songs finally get on the parents’ nerves, they gently tell their little darlings to hush. The children exercise perfect disobedience and carry on singing and shouting. Those
cloggy
-kids who do not like to sing can find freedom of expression by talking in an obnoxiously loud voice.

Older children (up to 30 years of age) have their rights to freedom, too, and often express themselves by playing football through the campsite. Other great places for the kiddies to play football are restaurants,
cafes
, full car parks, golf courses and metre trains.

Another favourite pastime is cussing and breaking wind. Making fun of others is, of course, a must, accompanied by lots of very loud giggling and cackling.

To become an accepted member of Dutch society, we recommend you practice the following, preferably in private:

• Place hand parallel to ear, 3 inches from ear. Oscillate hand in a forward/aft direction at medium speed. This means ‘delicious’ (
  lekker
  ).
  
• Make a double thumbs-up gesture with lateral pumping action from the elbows, whilst religiously chanting
  OMSTERDOM!
  This means, ‘
  I like where I live
  .’
  
• Spread fingers, palms uppermost, and extend forearms. Tilt head to one side as you emit a sound not unlike a sick cow:
  Jooooa
  . This means, ‘
  I don’t really believe you
  .’
  

See Chapter 13 for special sign language when driving.

A popular contemporary attitude of unmarried couples living together (
samenwonen
) is that they should have the same rights as married couples. If the boyfriend’s father dies, his partner feels entitled to two days’ paid holiday for the occasion, as is the case for married couples. In the early 1990’s, living-together registries were introduced as an alternative marriage register for couples (including homosexuals) who have entered into a living-together contract in front of a notary public. The partners can be ‘married’ in the public marriage room of their local Town Hall.

Living-apart-together is commonplace as it allows couples to have their own life most of the time, but also to be together and have a shared non-binding commitment. Above all, there are tax and welfare benefits…

For couples who do elect to marry, the obligatory Town Hall ceremony (church ceremonies are supplementary and optional) clearly defines the extent to which the partnership is to be taken…

Money under matrimony is money shared
.

The controversial topic of clergy and wedlock has been understandably fierce in Holland. The attitude is summed up in a BBC television interview with a Dutch theological student in the 1970’s:

Q:
How do you feel about the idea of a priest being able to marry?

A:
No question at all. It’s a question of the priest himself, and not of other people. When I want to be a priest and I want to be married; and the Pope, he wants a priest (who) is not married; I don’t want to be a priest!

Get the idea? More on the consequences later.

Women’s liberation has drastically modified the accepted format of a marriage. Dutch women, with their over-stretched sense of fair play, have achieved what they see as a ‘more equal division of labour’ through the practice of partial or total role reversal. The authorities indicate their approval by awarding the major tax concessions to the higher income partner—male or female—rather than the traditional method of assuming the man is the family ‘breadwinner.’

Cloggies
run on coffee. They can exist on over-boiled potatoes and cabbage, but they run on coffee. Fresh Dutch coffee—grown in politically correct countries charging the lowest price for the best quality, but always roasted and packed in Holland. Custom-built vending machines brew it and discard the unsold liquid at timed intervals. The armed forces take it on NATO manoeuvres in thermos flasks. Truck drivers and businessmen alike
en route
to other European countries gorge themselves with it before crossing the border and complain bitterly about foreign coffee, drinking as little as possible for the duration of their trip. On special occasions, some shops, including certain supermarkets, lure customers with free coffee at times. At main railway stations and in intercity trains, vendors patrol the platforms and corridors with coffee carts. In all fairness, Dutch coffee far excels its dishwater-style cousins, served in the U. K. and U. S. It is strong and distinctive in flavour.

In keeping with this endowment, for years the populace has been treated to annual coffee-rating tests, sponsored by various organizations, including the well-known magazine/publishing house of Elsevier. Each year, different blends are tasted by experts (apparently armed with digital thermometers, magnifying glasses and vomit bags) at locations around the country in order to establish the ‘cream of the drop’ in the same way that France, Spain and Germany rate their wines. Here is an extract from the result of a 1989 coffee test conducted by the national daily newspaper,
Algemeen Dagblad
: