1995 - The UnDutchables (14 page)

One wonders what the Queen has to say about this shambles.

Gay boys and gay men (
flikkers
) came out of the closet in the 1960’s. The discovery of the fact that there were other
flikkers
about, fired by their inherent (Dutch) rebelliousness and permissiveness, led to the formation of
aktie
-groups, followed by demonstrations, gay rights movements, gay centres, gay bars, hot lines and periodicals.

The inevitable reaction of
Vrouwen
homosexual movements took place soon thereafter, with lesbians demanding equal rights and more-than-equal facilities. Holland was one of the first (if not the first) to provide generous welfare benefits to a lesbian couple who ‘had’ a child through artificial insemination.

Despite their common homosexual
raison d’etre
, gays and lesbians are separate entities. In general, women are marginally accepted in gay bars while men are more taboo in lesbian bars and
cafes
. One area of commonality is that of self-glorification. The aptly-named newspaper ‘
De GAY Krant
,’ in August 1988, listed gay and lesbian facilities in approximately 100 Dutch cities, towns and villages, including 180 entries for Amsterdam alone.

Amsterdam’s liberal locals constructed the world’s first monument to homosexuals in 1987—an obvious structure in the form of three large triangles, painted pink. Soon after, work started on a portable
homomonument
which was presented to the British Government as a protest against proposed anti-homosexual legislation. The rest of the population strives to be extra ‘open’ and accepting of homosexuals, bisexuals and portable monuments.

Obtaining gay rights and gay acceptance in Holland has required less of a struggle than in most countries. The gays fought their battle according to Dutch rules: long and detailed discussions; non-violence; demonstrations; playful behaviour rather than being aggressive, obnoxious and pushy; and appealing to Dutch tolerance. In addition, many Netherlander consider it a plus rather than an effeminate minus for men to be cultured and artistic—traits often associated with the gay community.

Gay rights are part of a general pattern of rights for all groups that demand (and obtain) a place in Dutch society. This
verzuiling
phenomenon, whereby society is divided into pillars or blocs which are separate from each other yet support the society as a whole, has been very successful in the Netherlands. For the majority of homosexuals, the struggle is over and it’s business as usual, even though the supposed tolerance for homosexuality is often superficial (especially in the countryside). A father who has a modern and tolerant view towards homosexuality may be terribly shocked to find out that his own son is moving about in homosexual circles. Some families console themselves with the excuse that it is fashionable to be gay. But recent research indicates that (some) gay males may be born with homosexual tendencies.

The last words on this subject must go to a Professor of Sociology in Qroningen who proclaimed (in 1991) that the distinction between the sexes is disappearing. Apparently, a society in which androgyny and bisexuality are the norm is HEALTHIER AND SAFER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. Sharing similar feelings and sexual relations with several people at one time is supposed to help solve problems of:

• loneliness (no kidding)
  
• economic over-consumption (?)
  
• war (tell that to a warwidow(er))
  
• vandalism (too tired?)
  
• health care (tell this one to the thousands of AIDS victims in Holland).
  

THE DUTCH LANGUAGE

The Dutch language, in its written form, looks like someone sat on a typewriter!

—The Dutch Courier, Australia

Like most nationalities, the Dutch insist that their tongue is a difficult one. It is the 6
th
language of Western Europe and is spoken by some 30 million people worldwide.

This includes two very similar languages: Flemish (
Vlaams
) in Belgium and Afrikaans in South Africa.

Dutch is basically a form of German which borrows heavily from English and French, although most native speakers will vehemently deny this. If you speak German, you will have an easy time with Dutch. From a grammatical viewpoint, it is easier than German.

Dutch is rarely encountered abroad. Basically, there is no need for it outside of the country, especially since the Dutch are so proficient with languages. Conversely, if you spend more than half a year in Holland without learning the language, your Dutch acquaintances will appear offended that you have not learned their wonderful language.

If you take a course in the Dutch language and finally progress enough to dare to utter some sentences in public, the person you speak to will inevitably answer you in what they detect to be your native European tongue. They love to show off the fact that they have learned one or more other languages.

The more you try to learn Dutch, the more the Dutch refuse to speak Dutch to you and the more they complain that you haven’t learned it
.

The abundant use of many vowels (including double vowels), as well as the construction of long words (as in German), gives the written language the appearance of being difficult. However, Dutch is very regular in its pronunciation and grammar.

Foreigners may be surprised to discover that several dialects are spoken within the borders of tiny Holland. They include
Gronings
(from Groningen),
Volendams
(from Volendam) and
Brabants
(from, believe it or not, Brabant). Lesser known (and lesser pronounceable) varieties include
Drents, Saksisch, Gelders
and
Zeeuws
. There is also a separate language,
Fries
, in the northern province of Friesland.

There are only a few difficult sounds: the gutturals (represented by the letters ‘
ch
’ and sometimes by ‘
g
’’), the
ui, ij
or
ei;
and the single versus double ‘a’ (
man, maan
). If you have never encountered the language but are tempted to experiment with these examples, try reciting the list of ingredients from a soup can, with your mouth half-full of syrup.

During World War II, the military’s secret test of the Dutch nationality was to have an individual pronounce the name of the town of Scheveningen. Foreigners failed when they pronounced it along the lines of ‘Shave-a-Nigger.’ Imagine the outcome of ‘Groningen.’

It takes some time for outsiders to grow accustomed to the sight and sound of the native’s names, as they are long and numerous. Although you will probably be asked to use a one-syllable, vowel-happy forename (Huub, Jaap, Riet), the birth name is invariably a formal one, followed by 1-5 middle names and a surname. In the case of married women, the maiden name is attached with a hyphen.

Examples…

• Peter Johannes Theodorus Gustav Arnoldus de Jong
  
• Hubertus Cornelis Johann Maria van Dijk
  
• Wilhelmina Johanna Carola Petra Van Leeuwen-Waterdrinker.
  

For obvious reasons, the official combinations rarely appear anywhere except on larger legal documents.

Parents can decide if their children bear the last name of the mother or the father. If the parents are not married, a civil servant or registrar will decide which last name the child gets. This is an important decision since it is extremely difficult to have one’s name changed in the country. Names are usually only changed by royal consent after a long process. The only exception is if the name is embarrassing.

There are two genders: neuter and a combined masculine/feminine. The masculine-feminine merge (or noun ‘lib’) happened years before gay- and women’s ‘lib.’

Nowadays there are three forms of ‘you.’
U
is polite, formal and used in business and with elders. The use of this form of ‘you’ shows respect.
U
is used less and less these days. If its use deteriorates in proportion to the national lack of respect, it will soon be extinct. Either
jij
or
je
can be used for the singular familiar form;
jullie
is the plural form (not a girl’s name).

The character of a people is reflected in its language. An example of this is seen in the compulsive-obsessive use of diminutives in daily speech. As a Dutch physician explains, ‘
Everything has to bear the stamp of the small-scale complacency, which personally I consider to be one of our most typical features
.’

The suffix
-je
is the most common way to exercise this. The Dutch drink
een kopje thee
(a little cup of tea), take little strolls (
gaan een straatje om
) and take little journeys around the world (
reisje om de wereld
).

Hallo

Don’t let what appears to be friendliness fool you when you first arrive in Holland. When someone says
hallo
to you, this is most likely not a greeting but rather an explicit expression of contempt to draw your attention to something stupid you have done. It is generally used to embarrass. This is most effective with non-Netherlanders.

Sorry

Common form of lip service, often used in combination with ‘whore,’ as in ‘Surrey whore’ (
sorry, hoor
).

SVP

The French ‘silver plate’ (spelled
s’il vous plait
) is often used in its abbreviated form, SVP, on signs and in letters as a replacement for its direct Dutch equivalent
AUB
(in full,
als het u blieft
) or ‘(
if you)please
.’

Much of the population likes to use modern or progressive spellings which are not yet official, such as
buro
for
bureau
or
Odeklonje
for
eau de cologne
. The latter also exemplifies the battle between traditionalists, who prefer to leave ‘
c
’ as ‘
c
,’ and those who consider themselves progressive, preferring to replace a hard ‘
c
’ with ‘
k
.’ This struggle is resolved in some dictionaries by a blanket statement, ‘
If not found here, look under ‘c’(‘k
’).’

Predictably, Dutch idioms show an overall obsession with the three ‘W’s’ (windmills, wooden shoes and water), as well as flowers and Bicycles. Try these phrases out on your Dutch colleagues and take note of their reaction and facial expressions as you do.

WINDMILLS…

• een klap van de molen hebben
  (lit., get hit by the windmill)
  to be crazy
  
• dat is koren op zijn molen
  (lit., that is wheat to his mill)
  a strong point of a person’s argument
  
• iemand door de molen halen
  (lit., run someone through the mill)
  to scrutinize someone’s character
  
• met molentjes lopen
  (lit., walk with toy windmills)
  to be silly
  

WOODEN SHOES…

• blijf met de klompen van ‘t ijs
  (lit., keep your clogs off the ice)
  keep out of it; mind your own business
  
• met de klompen op het ijs komen
  >
  (lit., go on the ice with wooden shoes)
  to butt in, rush headlong into business
  
• Nou breekt mijn klomp!
  (lit., now my clog breaks!)
  Good Lord! What next?
  
• op je klompen aanvoelen
  (lit., feel it with your clogs)
  to be obvious
  

WATER, CANALS, DITCHES, ETC…

• ouwe koeien uit de sloot halen
  (lit., get old cows from the ditch)
  to talk of things past
  
• met de hakken over de sloot
  (lit., with the heels over the ditch)
  to make it by the skin of one’s teeth
  
• bang zich aan water te branden
  (lit, afraid to be burned in water)
  to be/become timid or fearful
  
• zo vlug als water
  (lit., as fast as water)
  as fast as lightning
  
• hij loopt in geen zeven sloten tegelijk
  (lit., he doesn’t walk in seven ditches simultaneously)
  He can look after himself; no harm will come to him
  
• aan de dijk zetten
  (lit., place on the dike)
  to dismiss, fire
  
• water naar de zee dragen
  (lit., carry water to the sea)
  to perform unnecessary actions
  
• (
  iemand) van de wal in de sloot helpen
  (lit., help someone from shore into the ditch)
  to make things worse
  
• de druppel die de emmer doet overlopen
  (lit., the drop that makes the bucket overflow)
  the straw that broke the camel’s back
  
• het water stoat mij tot de lippen
  (lit., I am up to my lips in water)
  I am up to my neck (in difficulties, etc.)
  
• recht door zee gaan
  (lit., go straight through the sea)
  to be frank
  
• spijkers zoeken op laag water
  (lit., look for nails at ebb tide)
  to find fault, nit-pick
  

FLOWERS…

• de bloemetjes buiten zetten
  (lit., put the little flowers outside)
  to paint the town red
  
• de bloemen staan op de ruiten
  (lit., the flowers are standing on the window panes)
  the windows are frosted over
  
• iemand in de bloemetjes zetten
  (lit., place someone in the little flowers)
  to treat someone like a king/queen
  

BICYCLES…

• doorfietsen
  (lit., cycle through)
  to flip or thumb through
  
• voor elkaar fietsen
  (lit., manage to cycle)
  to wrangle, manage
  
• ga fietsen stelen op de Dam
  (lit., go steal bikes at Dam Square)
  Drop dead!
  
• wat heb ik nu aan mijn fiets hangen?
  (lit., now what’s hanging on my bike?)
  What kind of mess am I in now?
  

FOOD FOR THOUGHT—Culinary character

…
you’ve never been able to forget us, just like hagelslag and drop
.

—KLM Royal Dutch Airlines advertisement, 1992