A Cry For Hope (25 page)

I pulled him closer when all of my feelings came to the surface.  He took my face in his hands as I screamed his name and my body melted around him. He kissed me with a sense of urgency and continued to move faster and harder before burying his face into my hair and letting out a pleasurable groan as he found his own release.  He stared down at me, while trying to catch his breath. “Thank you,” he whispered. The tears began to fill my eyes as I hugged him tightly.  He turned on his side and pulled me closer, and I broke down in his arms. He gently pushed my hair from my face. “Don’t, Hope. Don’t ever regret this. Promise me.”

I shook my head. “I won’t, not ever.”

He kissed me on my forehead and I closed my tear-filled eyes as we silently lay in each other’s arms.

“I have to get going. I still have to finish packing. I want to leave by five tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” I whispered. I sat up on my elbow, feeling the need to express my greatest fear to him. “Nick, I don’t want this to change our friendship. I mean… I don’t want things to be weird between us now because of this.”

He caressed my face and shook his head. “You will always be my best buddy,” he said, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek.

“You promise?” I whispered.

“Yeah, I do,” he replied.

We both got up and dressed. He grabbed his scrapbook and we headed downstairs. I walked over to the spot that he had thrown the ring and picked it up.

“I don’t want it,” he snapped as I tried handing it to him.

“Nick, you’re just really angry now. Take it. Even if you don’t give it back to her, you paid a lot of money for this.”

He shook his head, refusing to take it from me. “I don’t want anything that reminds me of her.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder. “I will hold on to it for you and when you’re ready to take it back, you just let me know. Okay?” He didn’t respond. I could see the torment building in his eyes once again.  I rubbed my hand up and down his arm and stared at him, waiting for a response. He finally gave me a half-hearted nod.

I felt myself becoming emotional once we reached the front door. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the forehead. “Have a great birthday tomorrow. I wish I could be here to help you celebrate.”

“Yeah, me, too.”

“Just be happy, Hope.”

I nodded. “I’m going to try.” He smiled and wiped the tears that were streaming down my face. “Have a safe trip back and please be careful, Nick.”

“I will.” He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek before pulling me close and hugging me tightly. “I love you, buddy.”

“I love you, too… always.” I whispered back. I didn’t want to leave his arms, but I knew that I had to. He flashed me his dimples one last time before heading out the door. I stood in the doorway, already feeling completely empty as I watched him drive away.

I awoke the next morning with the sunlight streaming through my blinds. It was my thirty-fourth birthday and besides feeling a little depressed over being another year older, I was feeling even more down, knowing that Nick wouldn’t be here to spend it with me. My heart ached even more, thinking about the two other people that I had normally spent my birthday with that wouldn’t be around, either. My mind began to wander as I lay there, trying to muster up the energy to get up and shower.  I sighed just thinking about last night. I was having such mixed emotions over the whole thing, but it happened and there was nothing that I could do to turn back the hands of time.  Even if I could, I wasn’t quite sure if I would change it. It was perfect. Nick and I were there for each other, allowing us to temporarily forget our problems.  I stretched before finally getting out of bed.

I took a quick shower and blew dry my hair just enough to throw it up in a messy bun. I quickly dressed with just enough time to spare for a cup of coffee.  I was just getting ready to take my first sip when I heard a knock on the door. I looked at the clock and wondered who would be visiting this early in the morning. I shook my head, knowing exactly who it was. My mother must have had to stop home for something. She was constantly grabbing her other set of keys without the house key on it.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and flung the door open. My stomach dropped to my knees and tears rushed to my eyes when I saw Jamie standing there. He was dressed in jeans and a black polo shirt, painfully reminding me of just how handsome he was. He was holding a present in his hand, and excitement and guilt flowed through my veins. I opened up the screen door and let him in. “I-I thought you were in San Diego.” My voice was cracking with such emotion that I didn’t even recognize it.

“I had to come back a couple of days ago to finalize a case here. I’m headed to the airport in a few hours to go back. I just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy birthday.” His gaze was intense as he looked me over from head to toe. Part of me wondered if he had sensed that I had changed, that I was no longer his faithful wife.

I cleared my throat and tried to pull it together. “Did you want some coffee?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, thanks.”

“Do you have time to come in and sit down, or did you have to get going?” I asked.

“No, I’ve got a few minutes.”

I led him into the living room and we took a seat on the couch.

He handed me the gift that he was holding. It was wrapped beautifully in purple paper -- my favorite color. I bit my lip and nodded, trying my hardest not to cry in front of him. I missed him so much, I loved him so much -- and I cheated on him. I was feeling lower than low.

“Open it,” he smiled.

I slowly took off the paper and lifted the lid on the box. I gasped and was no longer able to control my tears when I saw the beautiful shadow box collage frame of photo’s filled with Charlie. They were pictures of him that I had never seen before that I recognized immediately as professional shots. “Where…where did these pictures of him come from?” I asked, holding back my sobs.

He looked away like he was trying to gather the strength to speak. “I had them taken of him a week before he -.” I watched as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I was going to surprise you. I finally picked them up yesterday.”

“They are absolutely beautiful.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. My Charlie, looking so handsome, dressed casually in a white button down shirt and khaki shorts. He was posing by the water, then by the rocks, but my favorite was a raw shot that captured Charlie’s personality to a tee. He was sitting in the sand digging away like he was deep in thought. So many times I would watch him on the beach digging in the sand like he was on a mission. This photo conveyed that memory perfectly. This was who Charlie was.

“She said that if you don’t like the frame you can -.” 

I quickly shook my head. “No. I love it. I love everything about it. Thank you so much.”

He nodded and looked away. “I just need you to know that no matter what happens with us, I will always hold you up here…” He raised his hand in the air.  “…even though I know that I haven’t behaved that way these past few months. You are the mother of my one and only child, and I will always cherish that.” His voice was cracking with emotion. I closed my eyes, hoping that this wasn’t his way of saying that we were officially over.  His eyes were glassy when they finally met mine. “Well, I have to get going.”

I nodded. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me that we were going to be okay. I wiped my eyes and tried to pull it together as I walked him to the door. We both stood in silence. It seemed as if neither one of us knew what to say or do.  I stared into his eyes, strangely feeling the overwhelming need to confess everything to him. “Jamie, I -.” I stopped myself just before the words came out. I looked down at the ground and then back into his eyes. “I. um… just wanted to say thank you for stopping by this morning.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a card and another small box. “You can open this after I leave.” He placed in it my hands and pulled me into an embrace. I hugged him back tightly, remembering how good it felt to be in his arms. I pressed my face into his chest, inhaling the faint scent of his familiar cologne.

He kissed me on the top of the head. “Happy birthday, Hope,” he whispered before walking out. 

I quickly closed the door. I couldn’t bear to watch him drive away. All of a sudden, the strong new woman that I had become suddenly transformed into that fragile girl from just a few months ago. Seeing Jamie, being in his arms, and yearning for him so badly was all it took to cause her to resurface. I took a seat on the couch and ripped open the envelope to the card. I skipped over the pre-written sentiment and focused on Jamie’s chicken scratch handwriting:

Dear Hope,

There are so many things that I want to say to you, but I know that the words won't be able to escape my lips. I just need you to know that I do love you very much. I never stopped loving you. Even if I haven't been able to express it in words, I can feel in my heart. You told me on the day that you left that you hoped that we could find our way back to one another. I hope that you still believe in that because I do. I think about you every day. I miss you and I miss us. I wish I could figure out how to get us back to that happy place that we were once in because there is nowhere else that I want to be

Have a very happy birthday.

Love Always ~

Jamie

My hands were trembling as I read his words over and over. I was feeling lower than low. I just had sex with my best friend and now here I was, longing for my husband’s touch.

A deep breath escaped my chest as I began to unwrap the present. I opened up the black velvet box, revealing a beautiful white gold bracelet with a sand dollar charm dangling from the chain. I took it from the box and examined it closely. The detail on the sand dollar was so intricately done, and I was fairly certain that it was custom made. I clasped it on my wrist and was instantly taken back to the day that Jamie and I had first met, remembering the sand dollar he had given me. So much had changed since that day on the beach twelve years ago. So much had changed in just the past year and, most of all, so much had changed in the past twelve hours. I closed my eyes and prayed that it wasn’t too late for us, wishing that we could be celebrating my birthday the same way that we had last year. 

I stepped out of the shower and wiped the steam from the mirror, examining myself closely for any signs that I was another year older. I wrapped the towel around me and headed into the bedroom. I gasped when I saw Jamie sitting on my bed with a dozen roses. He had taken Charlie to school a half-hour ago and was supposed to be heading into work right after.

“Hey, what are you doing back here?” I couldn’t contain my smile.

“Well, today is a very special day so I decided that work could wait. Instead, I’d rather spend it with my beautiful birthday girl.”

“Really?” I smiled.

“Yup. I’m all yours today.

“Hmm….do I get a breakfast date with my sexy man?”

“You got it.” He smiled.

“Okay, just give me a sec to get dressed,” I said.

I stood in front of my dresser, going through my drawers. He got up from the bed and stood behind me, lifting my hair and placing gentle kisses on my neck. I began to giggle. He took off my towel and dropped it on the floor. I watched in the mirror as he moved his hands up and down my naked body. He cupped my breasts in his hands, and leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I want you to look in the mirror. I want to see how good this feels for you.”

He slowly trailed is fingers down my body and placed them inside of me. He kissed my neck while never taking his eyes off the mirror. I closed my eyes as his fingers eased in and out of me, and his warm breath tickled my neck. “Does this feel good for you?” he whispered in my ear. I nodded, not wanting to be broken from the pleasurable state that I was in. “You are so fuckin’ perfect.” His voice was so low and sexy. I could feel his erection pressing up against my back and everything inside of me wanted him in every way possible.