A Family of Their Own (14 page)

Stunned, she stared at him. He’d never said so much at one time since she’d met him. Even at the MOSK meetings, he told them about the latest good and bad news, but he made his comments succinct. Her hands trembled as she reached up to touch his tense face, his look heartbreaking. She’d done that to him. “Ross, I want to take this journey with you. I know we’ll have difficult times, but you’re right. If we want to make this grow into something deeper and more committed, then we need to trust each other. We need to be open and, just as much, we need to be patient.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear.” His voice quaked with emotion.

Ross rose and took her hand. Kelsey stood, tense with anticipation. He drew her into his arms and held her close, his heart beating against hers, his breathing labored. His hand rose to her cheek, his fingers brushing her skin and floating across her lips. A shiver of anticipation ran through her until
he tilted her chin, and his lips met hers. His gentle mouth plied her lips with sweet kisses, his arms drew her closer, and she knew at that moment that God had ordained their meeting. For once, assurance spread through her, a comfort she’d fought but now accepted.

He eased back, his tension vanished. His eyes sought hers. “This has to be right, Kelsey.”

“Completeness.” The single word was all she could utter.

“We’ll be patient and open from now on.”

She gazed at him while her heart lifted a prayer.

Kelsey opened the door, and Ross swept in, his arm sliding around her. “Any news?” The anxious look on his face matched his voice.

“The office called today. We have an appointment on Thursday for the test results.”

“That was fast.”

“I know, but they wouldn’t tell me a thing.” Her stomach knotted. “I’m afraid it’s bad news.”

He gave her a squeeze. “Don’t assume that. Nurses and especially receptionists can’t give out information without the physician’s permission. Let’s pray that everything is fine.”

“I have been.” She motioned him inside, and he followed her to the kitchen. “Coffee?”

“No, I have an appointment in…” He gazed at his watch. “In forty minutes so I can’t stay. I was close by so I thought I’d stop.”

“I’m glad you did.”

He bent and kissed her. The sensation rushed to her chest. Since their talk on Friday, she’d been overwhelmed by her emotions. They tilted one way, then the other—from pure joy to pure worry that she would fail. He’d offered her a journey, a trip to assure them both they could do this, and she wanted to with all her heart. Still, the old fear uncoiled from under
a rock and sent her running for cover. No more. She’d run enough. They’d both said it. Trust. Patience.

She stood on tiptoes and kissed him back.

His smile warmed her. “Have a seat.” She motioned toward the chair where they’d had their last talk. “How are things with you?”

His smile waned as he pulled out a chair and sat. “I have news.”

Her body straightened. “Good or bad?”

He shook his head. “The insurance wasn’t approved.”

“It wasn’t? Oh, Ross, what will you do?”

“Dr. Timmons said he’d resubmit and give them more information. He reminded me that they often reject the first time but approve the next. I’ll have to wait and see.”

“I assume he knows what he’s talking about.”

A faint smile returned. “We’ll see.”

She chuckled. “Silly.”

Ross gazed around and then lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. “How’s it feel to have a quiet house again?”

“Good. I love my sister, but…you know how it is…sometimes I could wring her neck.”

He nodded. “That’s why I stayed away as much as I could. It seemed safer.”

She understood his feelings. Moments had arisen when she wished she could have stayed away, too, but sisters try to deal with it. “She did apologize.”

He drew back. “Really?” His eyebrows arched. “Tell me.”

Her apology was feeble but she’d given it, and Kelsey was at least content that Audrey realized she’d overstepped her bounds. “Audrey admitted that you were a nice man, but she worried about our situations. She admitted that she had been a bit hasty to make a judgment.”

Ross drew a slash mark in the air with his finger. “One point for Audrey. At least she made an attempt to undo the damage.”

“They left yesterday, and things were amiable. That’s important. Jeff didn’t say much except once when we were alone. He said you seemed like a nice guy.”

He shrugged. “If he only knew.”

She gave him a swat. “You’re wonderful.”

He gave her a wink. “Anyway, I had a talk with Peyton.”

“You did?”

“First, I asked her about Lucy and her skating. She said Lucy said she wanted to skate with her since she was new at it.” He grinned. “I could tell it made Peyton happy.”

Her mouth dry, Kelsey lifted the water glass and took a drink. “They’re getting there.”

“But she wasn’t so happy when I talked about how well she’s doing now, and I mentioned that it was time to trade bedrooms.”

Being zapped by electricity couldn’t have surprised Kelsey more. “You told her that? How did she take it?”

“A bit of drama, but I reminded her that being healthy was far more precious than a bedroom a few feet larger than hers.” He wove his fingers through her hand. “I’ve missed my room and to be honest, I’ve been resentful at times. Not fair to her. It was my choice, but I know it was a mistake. The guest room I’m using is fine for her.”

She lifted their joined hands and kissed his. “I know that was difficult.”

“It’s for the best. I feel it in here.” He pressed his free hand to his chest. “Things will work out with the new medication. I’m confident.”

Confident. Kelsey longed to feel that kind of self-assurance.

Ross eyed his watch. “I suppose I should be going.” He stood and wrapped his arm around her, then lowered his lips to hers.

As always, her heart soared with her delight. “Call me, and we can—”

The telephone rang. She held up a finger and strode to the phone. Karen. A chill ran down her back. “It’s Karen.”

His expression sank to concern, and he moved closer.

She lifted the headset her heart in her throat. “Karen, how is—”

The jolt of her response overtook her. She covered the mouthpiece. “Doug’s gone. He died this morning.”

W
hen Kelsey hung up, tears rolled from her eyes. It surprised Ross before reality rushed through him. No matter what had happened in the past, Doug had once been her husband, and he was still Lucy’s father.

He drew her into his arms, allowing her tears to flow in silence. Her wet grief soaked into his shirt, but he held her closer, kissing her hair and soothing her back with his palm. Too many things had struck Kelsey at once. The fear of Lucy’s diagnosis the following Monday and now the death of Lucy’s father.

Weight bore down on Ross’s shoulders. Finally he had some positive things happening in his life. Despite the insurance issue, a new medication might allow Peyton a normal life—almost normal—but whichever it might be, the outcome would be better than he feared. God willing, Peyton’s future seemed brighter. She would become a young woman, date, fall in love, marry and have a child of her own. His heart swelled with the abiding sense that the Lord looked down on him with a smile.

But today grief came again to the woman who’d become a part of him.

A final sob lingered against his chest. He waited. A shud
der and deep breath touched his own heart, and he swallowed. “Can I do anything?”

“What you’re doing now.” She lifted her red eyes to him. “You know that my love for Doug died long ago, but he’s Lucy’s father, and…”

“Grief is natural, Kelsey. Don’t apologize. You have Lucy to face and memories to handle. It’s difficult.” His wife’s death shook him to the core. Telling Peyton she’d died had been one of the most difficult experiences in his life. Tears had rolled down her face while he held her, unable to release his grief because of her. He stayed strong and, once he was alone, he sobbed.

Kelsey eased back, still using his arm for support. “The funeral is Saturday. We’ll drive to Grand Rapids on Friday for the viewing and come back Saturday after the funeral.”

“Let me take you. You shouldn’t drive.”

She shook her head and pressed her palm to his cheek. “Thank you so much, but I need to do this alone. Just Lucy and me.”

He studied her face. Her steady gaze reflected confidence. “If you change your mind, I’ll be happy to go with you. I can find things to do. It’s no problem.”

Kelsey tilted her head and touched her lips to his in a fleeting kiss. “If I decide I don’t want to drive, I promise I’ll let you know.” She rubbed her temples and shifted backward, her movement unsteady.

Ross stayed beside her until she settled back into the easy chair. Her face changed, and her look concerned him, a kind of anguish so deep it chilled him. “What is it?”

“Me. I’m ashamed. So filled with remorse. I knew he was very sick, Ross, but I didn’t make an effort to speak to him. I let my bitterness stop me from doing what God would have me do.”

“Kelsey, he hurt you deeply.”

“But you said yourself, God didn’t ask me to forget. He
asked me to forgive.” Tears rimmed her eyes. “Now it’s too late.”

He rose and knelt at her feet as he drew her hands into his. “No. It’s not too late. Karen is still alive, and she needs your support. You have another chance.”

She pressed her lips together, a tremor quivering in her cheek. “Another chance.” Her voice was but a whisper.

“You can do it, Kelsey.” Ross drew her into his arms and held her close, witnessing the tension and confusion that roiled inside her. “If you remember the days of your friendship, when you’d do anything for her, and if you see her betrayal as her failure to fight off temptation, then you can dig deep in your heart and forgive.” He captured her gaze. “This has to be more than words. Forgiveness comes from the heart.”

Her back stiffened a moment and then her shoulders drooped as her eyes closed. “I know. That’s the hard part, Ross. I might be able to say it, but do I mean it?”

Ross didn’t try to answer her question. It was one she had to answer herself, but he believed she could if she remembered how forgiven she and all God’s children have been by His mercy.

She rose and rested her cheek against his shoulder, her arms holding him close, and they stood in the silence, each with their own thoughts. He remained silent, and then he heard her soft voice shudder the three difficult words. “From the heart.”

Kelsey gripped the steering wheel. The day had been long, and Lucy’s tears twisted her heart so tightly she could barely breathe. She glanced at her daughter, strapped in beside her, her head nodding in exhausted sleep. Facing Karen had torn her to bits, but standing beside Doug’s coffin draped with a Dear Husband bouquet had rendered her nearly helpless.
She’d contained her tears until she escaped to the restroom, where she released the flood of memories and pain for Lucy.

He had aged, gaunt and pale even with the assistance of the funeral home, the strain of death clearly visible on his face. A bolt of regret raced through her. Regret that she hadn’t shown more compassion to Karen, and deep regret that she hadn’t spoken to Doug when she brought Lucy for a visit. Such a small gesture, yet it might have let him know that her life had moved forward. She was fine. Her love for him had died years earlier.

The lights of the motel signaled her to turn into the entrance driveway. She rolled around to the side and parked, then sat a moment gazing at Lucy, no longer her little girl but almost a teenager. A new wave of pain rolled over her. Monday they would face the specialist and hear the report. Lucy’s new problem overwhelmed her. They’d lived with a tentative kind of confidence, but one that grew surer every day. But now her confidence had fluttered away like dry leaves.

Ross swept into her mind, brushing away her darker thoughts. She could count on him. The more she pondered the situation, the more she knew she’d made a great mistake listening to others and taking what they said to heart. Her heart counted more…and Ross’s heart, too. Real love stood strong in times of desperation and trials, no matter what conflicts lay in its path. How often had she thought the same thing after Doug had walked out. If their love had been strong, nothing could have pulled him away from his devotion to his wife and daughter.

Real love. Now to face whether what she felt for Ross was real or something else. She’d experienced the emotion of love in his arms and the joy of partnership in their good times and bad. She longed to be with him even now, to feel his arms around her, supporting her and making her feel cherished. To Kelsey, that felt like real love.

Shaking her head, Kelsey ignored her thoughts. She pulled the car keys from the ignition. A room waited for her.

“Lucy.” She laid her hand on Lucy’s arm.

She opened her eyes, a glazed look curtaining her face before she jerked upward and blinked. “I fell asleep.”

“You did, but that’s okay. It’s been a difficult day for you…for us.”

Lucy’s lids lowered and opened. “I wish Daddy hadn’t died.”

“So do I.” A chill ran down her arms. She meant what she’d said. That would have given her time to forgive him and might have opened a door for Doug to be a better father to Lucy. Regret. Regret. The emotion belonged to the past. The past was over and gone. Now she faced the future and regret should be replaced with wiser decisions and better choices.

She opened the door and slipped from her sedan. Lucy followed. Kelsey hit the lock button and pulled her room key from her pocket. She slipped it into the outside door’s lock and it clicked open. She beckoned Lucy to go in first. The room was a short distance down the hallway, and when she turned on the light, loneliness overcame her.

Tonight Karen would go home and crawl into an empty bed, knowing Doug would never be back to keep her warm. Kelsey had experienced that same sadness once. Yet tonight instead of the bitterness she’d clung to for so long, sorrow had washed it away. She grieved for Karen and Lucy’s loss.

Kelsey looked up as Lucy carried her pajamas into the bathroom. In moments, the shower sounded, and Kelsey settled into the only easy chair and closed her eyes. She dreaded tomorrow. Because Doug and Karen had no church connection, the funeral would be held at the funeral home. Doug’s father and sister had come for the funeral, and she’d spoken to them, but it had been years. She’d been sad to learn that Doug’s mother had died from cancer three years ago. Doug
had never told her. Or maybe she hadn’t listened. The weight of that possibility dragged her back into a dark place.

Grateful when the shower stopped, Kelsey rose and pulled out her nightgown. She refused to wallow in her bad choices and mistakes. She’d blamed Doug so long that she’d overlooked her own part in undoing any hope for a relationship after their divorce.
Divorce
had been a word she’d learned to dismiss. It wouldn’t happen to her, a Christian. But it had and, unknowingly, she’d remained faithful to a dead marriage.

Today she would be free from the bonds of her oath to Doug, but the thought gave her no pleasure. Instead, she’d faced what she had to do. Now she needed to figure out how.

Lucy came out from her shower with rosy cheeks and climbed into bed. She fell asleep before Kelsey had slipped into the bathroom.

Kelsey didn’t linger in the shower. She greeted the bed, snapped off the light and slid under the covers, her prayers rising for answers and for a night of rest.

At the funeral luncheon, Doug’s father and sister chose seats across from Lucy, and though Kelsey felt uncomfortable, she accepted the situation. They seemed to know a few people there, and he was Lucy’s grandfather and she, Lucy’s aunt. They’d talked about a few things, and she found that neither one harbored any grudges. In fact, Doug’s father apologized for his son’s actions. Over the years, he had never offered any solace or comment on the breakup of her and Doug’s marriage, and the only attention he and his wife had paid to Lucy was an occasional card with a check. Doug’s parents apparently focused on his sister’s children, who were nearby and didn’t remind them of Doug’s behavior. She sensed, too, that they didn’t know how to deal with Lucy’s illness. Though she’d resented their avoidance for years, those feelings had fallen by the wayside when she had more trying situations to face.

Guests stopped by periodically to give their condolences to Lucy, and they also spoke to her. As time passed, Kelsey found it easier to accept their sympathy and made a point to show Lucy how many people loved her father.

Distracted, Kelsey didn’t notice Karen at her side until she spoke. “I hope you’ll stick around before leaving for home.” Tension etched her face. Her former friend had not only lost her husband but now had to face the friend she’d betrayed.

“Well, I’d planned to—”

“I have a few items I’d like to give Lucy that belonged to her dad. You know, so she remembers.”

Her voice caught, and sorrow knotted in Kelsey’s throat. She’d been unable to speak with Karen alone with so many mourners around. Even last night, visitors stayed and offered to take her out to eat. It left no time for them to talk, but this invitation opened the door that Kelsey dreaded, yet knew the Lord wanted her to step inside. “I’ll wait as long as I can. We have a three-hour drive home.”

“I know.” She scanned the tables at the lovely restaurant she’d chosen. “See.” She made a fleeting gesture toward them. “Many people are leaving. It shouldn’t be long.”

Kelsey gazed at Lucy, her eyes shifting from her to Karen as she listened. “Would you like to see what Karen has for you?”

She nodded. “She’s giving me some of Daddy’s things.”

“That’s nice, isn’t it?”

Relief touched Karen’s face, and she walked away to say goodbye to those ready to leave.

Lucy dug into the dessert that she’d only played with—very unusual for her. But Kelsey leaned back with no interest in her dessert or the food they’d served. Her stomach had been churning all morning. The funeral broke her heart. Doug had not been an active Christian, but he’d occasionally attended church, and she considered him a believer. Sitting at his funeral and hearing references that he’d gone to a
better place and he’d remain as the wind in the trees tore her in two. What about heaven and everlasting life? Where had that been in this funeral empty of hope and with nothing to provide Karen with a sense of peace and comfort?

Her cheek ticked with the anguish she felt. Kelsey wanted to remind Karen of the solace she could find laying her burdens at Jesus’s feet. The thoughts hurt too much, and she forced her mind to let it drop for now. But instead, her thoughts of faith reminded her that she’d come to offer forgiveness, and she’d yet to be confident that it came, as Ross had said, from the heart.

After breakfast before they had left for the funeral, she’d opened the Gideon’s Bible she found in a dresser drawer. As she scanned the pages in the Gospel books, the theme of forgiveness jumped from the pages. Every verse reminded her that if she forgave, the Lord would forgive her, but she didn’t want forgiveness because she was afraid of not being forgiven. She knew the Lord had forgiven her sins. It was His promise. Yet her own peace of mind, her own expression of faith knew that forgiveness was expected of Christians. Forgive your enemies. She’d read that a multitude of times.

She came to the last book of the Gospels, and her eyes grazed the pages until she came to Luke 6:37. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

Her chest constricted. She’d judged Karen and Doug over and over again. She’d condemned them. She’d held the bitterness like a treasure. Bitterness, like regret, lived in the past. Discarding it meant looking to the future, and that’s what she wanted to do.

A noise interrupted her thoughts. Doug’s father had risen to say goodbye. He kissed Lucy’s cheek and held Kelsey’s hand. The distance she’d felt vanished. She hugged him and told him Lucy would welcome his visit.

He smiled at her for the first time. “I’ll be in touch. Her birthday is in May.”

It was more a question, but he had it right. “Last week. May 20.”

“You’re almost eleven now, your mom said. Your grandmother would have been proud of you, Lucy.”

She smiled and hugged him.