A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) (11 page)

Em fairly swooned. The idea of having the luxury of taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon sounded almost decadent. She glanced at her watch. “Okay, I’ll go,” she said, taking her apron off. “But promise me you’ll call me if you need me.”

“Sure, sure, sure,” Agnes said without much conviction, taking Em by the elbow to steer her out the diner. “I’ll call if anything comes up. Now just go. Have a good time tonight,” she said as hustled Em to the door before she could protest. “Make sure you get some rest.”

Em paused to give some last-minute instructions to both Sammy and Ernie, then with a wave, she went sailing out the door, unwilling to admit how unbearably tired she really was.

When the doorbell rang, Em sat up, shook the sleep from her head, then blinked, more than a bit disoriented. When she glanced out her bedroom window and saw the sun, she realized it was still afternoon and grinned in relief, trying to contain her excitement. She glanced at the clock just as the doorbell chimed again.

“Oh, Lord,” she muttered, scrambling out of bed. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

If Josh was an hour early she was going to strangle him. She’d been so exhausted after her shopping expedition in town, she’d come home and fallen into bed.

She’d set the alarm, certain she’d have plenty of time to shower and change before Josh picked her up. Now, the doorbell was ringing and she still wasn’t dressed yet.

“I’m coming,” she bellowed through gritted teeth as she grabbed her robe and threw it on. Hurrying to the back door, she stopped, pressed a hand to her pounding heart and took a deep breath before yanking it open. “Josh, you’re early—”

“I’ve got an overnight letter for Emma Bowen.” It wasn’t Josh, but an obviously hot and harassed deliveryman. “I need your signature.” He thrust a clipboard toward her, indicating where she should sign. Relieved that it wasn’t Josh, Em took the pen, quickly scribbled her name, then accepted delivery of the letter without giving it a second thought. “Thank you,” she said, before shutting the door and setting the letter on a table. She had less than an hour to shower and change before Josh got here. And if she didn’t hurry, she was going to be late.

The letter forgotten, on her way to the shower Em stopped to look at her new dress she’d left hanging on the closet door.

Gently, she ran her finger over the beautiful cotton fabric. She really hadn’t planned on buying anything, but she’d stopped into Ruth’s Maternity Emporium, and Ruth O’Brien, the owner whom she’d known her whole life, had insisted she try it on. The dress was casual enough to be comfortable, but dressy enough for dinner in town Ruth had assured her.

The moment she’d tried it on, Em knew she had to have it. It was one of the most beautiful dresses she’d ever owned. Normally, she wouldn’t consider lemon yellow. It wasn’t her best color, but something about this dress and the shade of yellow did something to her skin, making it glow. With the short-capped sleeves, and empire bodice, the dress fit her perfectly, emphasizing her small breasts and her long legs. Because it was the new, longer length, it also seemed to give her petite frame added height.

Delighted, she’d purchased it, trying not to feel guilty. While Ruth was wrapping her dress, Emma had run next door to the shoe store and found a matching pair of yellow ballerina flats. Now, she couldn’t wait to put them on. Humming to herself, Em stepped in the shower, her excitement building.

“I’m not going to feel guilty about spending the money,” she muttered to herself as she washed her hair. She’d been taking a small salary every week, but banking all of it, except what she needed for absolute necessities. Never again would she allow herself or her baby to be at the mercy of a man. Never again would she be penniless and without resources with no one or nowhere to turn.

Sighing, Em shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, feeling better about her situation than she had in months. She had money in the bank, the diner was going well, and she was handling things. Em grinned. Quite a change from the day she’d arrived in Saddle Falls, exhausted from worry, sick with grief and fear, and not certain how on earth she was going to do what she needed to do to provide for herself and Baby Cakes.

“But we did it, sweetie,” Em said, plugging in her hair dryer, and glancing down at her belly. “With a little help from our friends,” she added, thinking about Josh.

He had been so wonderful and so supportive the past few months. Once he got over his initial fear that she was some helpless, hapless female off on another wild-goose chase.

She knew he still worried about her, and she loved him for it. Em froze with the hair dryer in midair.

Loved him for it.

The words reverberated in her mind over and over again. Her eyes slid closed and she laid her dryer on the countertop.

She wasn’t in love with Josh, she told herself firmly. She simply couldn’t even entertain such a ridiculous idea. She would never be so foolish, not again.

He was just a friend, a good friend, and of course she would have strong feelings for him, especially considering all he’d done for her the past few months. She’d come to value and depend on his companionship, his kindness, his ability to make her laugh no matter what the problem.

But she wasn’t in love with him.

What she was feeling was merely gratitude, gratitude because he’d been so kind, so supportive, so wonderful, she thought with a dreamy sigh.

But he was
just
a friend, she repeated to herself firmly. And she was
not
in love with him. With determination, Em quickly dried her hair, then applied a hint of makeup before slipping into her new dress and shoes.

Feeling like Cinderella going to the ball, Em paced the length of the living room, trying to calm her own disquieting thoughts. When the doorbell rang again, she sighed with relief, then went to open it.

“Em.” Josh stood there with a grin on his face, letting his gaze travel over. “You look beautiful.” It was the only word to describe her. “Just…beautiful.” Nervous, and not certain why, he handed her the bouquet of roses he’d brought her.

Touched, Em laughed suddenly, cursing her own silliness. This was Josh, there was no reason for her to be so worried. They were just…friends.

“Roses?” she said with a lift of her brow. “Mrs. Richards is gonna have your hide, Josh.” She turned to get a vase for them.

“Hey, I didn’t steal those, Em,” he protested, coming up behind her and slipping his arms around her waist. “I bought them.” He pressed his nose to her hair, inhaling the wonderful scent of her.

Aware that his arms were around her, and her heart was pounding, Em struggled not to shake as she filled the vase with water and set it on the kitchen counter.

“Thank you, Josh,” she said quietly, giving in and allowing herself to lean into him—for just a moment—she told herself. Just for a moment. “They’re beautiful.”

“And so are you,” he whispered, his breath tickling the back of her ear, sending shivers of awareness through her. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what his brother Jared had said this morning, hadn’t been able to curb the panic that occurred every time he thought of Em and Baby Cakes with another man.

The day seemed to drag until he could see Em, could put his arms around her, hold her, touch her, know she was safe.

“Thank you.” Her voice as well as her body were trembling in response to Josh’s closeness, his touch.

I am not in love with him,
she insisted, repeating the phrase over and over in her mind like a mantra in spite of the fact that Josh’s presence, his touch filled her with a need and longing no one else ever had.

I am not in love with him.

At least she hoped not!

E
m sighed in near contentment as she pushed her dessert plate away and glanced around the glorious, gorgeous restaurant atop the Saddle Falls Hotel, providing a panoramic view of the entire town as well as the Charleston Mountains in the distance.

Their white linen-topped table, adorned with beautiful crystal candles flickering softly, was set right in the corner of the restaurant with floor-to-ceiling windows on each side of it. It was, quite clearly, the best table in the house.

“I feel like I’m going to have to walk ten miles to walk off this dinner,” she said with a smile, resting a hand on her belly where Baby Cakes had been doing somersaults all evening.

“You enjoyed it?” Josh asked, taking a sip of his wine, unable to take his eyes off of her.

“What was not to enjoy?” she said with a laugh, closing her eyes and mentally savoring every single morsel all over again. “I think the appetizer tray was my favorite.” She frowned a bit. “No, maybe it was that salad.” She rolled her eyes. “No, actually I think it was the filet.”

“It was a fantastic meal, Josh.” She smiled at him, reaching across the table to touch his hand. Electricity sparked, then hummed between them. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” He linked his fingers through hers, turning her hand palm up so it rested in his, giving in to the need he’d had all evening to touch her. “You look beautiful, Em.” He sipped his wine again to moisten his dry mouth. “New dress?”

With a nod, she laughed. “I went to Ruth’s Maternity Emporium this afternoon and splurged. I had no intention of buying anything, but…” Her voice trailed off and she remembered the look on Josh’s face when she opened the door. She was absolutely certain she’d heard his jaw hit the ground.

“Well, I’m glad you bought it.” His gaze shifted over her slowly. She’d done something different to her dark, curly hair. It was pushed off and away from her face in some sophisticated style that only emphasized her elegant face and her huge eyes, which tonight were smudged with some dark-colored makeup, making her look both sexy and mysterious.

She’d painted her lips with something pink and moist and incredibly sexy. He’d had a very hard time not leaning across the table and tasting her again—just to remind himself that she tasted as good as she looked.

“So you’ve told me,” she said with a laugh, flushing a bit. “Several times.” Pleased now that she’d splurged on the dress, she reached for her ginger ale, taking a small sip.

“You okay?” he asked, nodding toward her glass. “Any more morning sickness?”

“No,” she said with a grateful smile. “I’m just thirsty.”

Josh toyed with his wineglass. “So tell me, how’d it go with Sammy?”

Em laughed. “Great. I think things will work out well. He took the first delivery over to Mrs. O’Connor’s this afternoon.”

“So when will you be getting the cradle?”

Em shrugged. “I told her you and your brothers were going to start painting and wallpapering this weekend so I thought I’d wait until after you were done to pick it up.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Using his thumb, Josh caressed her hand. “Em, I did some reading last night.”

One brow lifted. “Reading? When did you have time, Josh? You didn’t leave my house until after ten.”

“I had some time,” he hedged, not wanting to admit that he’d been up all night. “I made a list of things we’re going to need for the labor and delivery.”

She laughed, touched. “Josh, were you reading about childbirth?”

“Of course,” he said a bit defensively, wondering why everyone was so surprised. “I never go into anything without being totally prepared.” Smiling, he shrugged. “It’s probably the lawyer in me.”

“Probably.” She hesitated a moment. She should have expected Josh to not only take his role seriously, but to fully prepare for it on every level. He was so dear she just wanted to hug him. “So tell me, exactly what’s on this list?”

“Well,” he said with a frown. “Gatorade—”

“Planning on getting thirsty?” she teased.

“No, it’s not for me. It’s for you. During labor. It can get very intensive, you’ll be using a lot of energy, so Gatorade not only helps keep your mouth moist, but also helps with your energy. Small sips only,” he added, making her laugh again. “We’ll also need Popsicles and apple juice.” His brows drew together in thought. “I also added a small cooler to the list so we can keep everything cold.”

“I see,” she said, her eyes twinkling in amusement. “I’m impressed, Josh.” She leaned forward, watching him. The scent of her perfume—sweet and slightly sensual at the same time—faintly tickled his nostrils, making him wonder if she smelled like that all over. Deliberately, he schooled his thoughts in another direction.

“We’ll also need to get a large beach ball—” He held up his hand the moment she opened her mouth. He’d learned his lesson about the beach ball already today. “It’s not to play with, Em,” he explained. “It’s for you to rock on when the contractions get intense. It will also help ease the transitions between the different stages of labor.”

With a laugh, Em shook her head. “Josh, you never fail to surprise me.”

“Why?”

Her gaze softened on his, tracing the lines of his beautiful face. “Because,” she said softly, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “You just jump right in with both feet, making sure you’re totally prepared and ready for every eventuality.”

He shrugged. “I thought that was my job. As your childbirth coach, it’s my responsibility to handle all the things you need in order to make the birth process as easy as possible for you and the baby.”

“Oh, Josh.” Em glanced down at the table, at their entwined hands, realizing how wonderful they fit together. She lifted her gaze again, her heart full to almost overflowing. “I don’t know how to thank you,” she began softly. “Or to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me the past few months.” At a loss for words, Em shook her head. “I am so grateful for the companionship, the help and the support you’ve given to me since I returned to town, Josh, being there for me no matter what.” Her gaze met his, then held. “I’m so grateful, Josh, I don’t even know how to begin to thank you.”

“Em.” He hesitated, wondering why he felt annoyed at her
gratitude.
“I haven’t done anything more than any other man wouldn’t have done.”

“Ah, well, I happen to disagree.” She hesitated, thinking about her ex-husband. “Josh, you know you’re going to make a fabulous father.” Cocking her head, she studied him. “So how come you never took the plunge like Jake or Jared?” She grinned. “How come you never got married?” She glanced down. “The day I came home, in your office you gave me some nonsense about being too busy with your practice, the hotel and handling the family businesses, but Jared has the responsibility of running the ranch and he’s made time for a family. Jake has a great deal of responsibility as well, but he’s made time for a wife, and now a baby on the way, too.” She raised her gaze to his. “So how come you haven’t made the time?”

Josh blew out a breath, glanced around nervously, then brought his gaze back to hers. “I almost got married,” he admitted with a sigh. “It was during my last year in law school.”

Surprised, Em sipped her soft drink, noting the dark shadow of pain that had leaped into his eyes. “What happened, Josh?” she asked softly.

He shrugged. “It…didn’t work out.” He wasn’t sure he could talk about Melanie with Em. Wasn’t sure he wanted to admit what a fool he’d been.

“Josh?”

He glanced at her and the look in his eyes made her heart ache.

“Will you tell me about it?” she asked softly, reaching for his hand, holding it tightly. “Please?”

He shrugged. “Not much to tell, I guess.” Stalling, trying to get his thoughts together, he sipped the last of his wine. “Melanie was a law student, too. She was a year behind me. She came from a very wealthy East Coast family, three generations of lawyers and legislators. Being a successful lawyer was very important to her.”

“More important than you?” Em asked quietly.

“Apparently,” he said with a sigh. “About six months after we started dating, Melanie discovered she was pregnant. I was overjoyed. You know how I feel about kids—family.” Hesitating, he blew out a breath, then brought his gaze back to hers. “I asked her to marry me. She asked for a few days to think about it. Obviously neither of us had planned on having a child, especially then, but it happened and I couldn’t have been happier about it.”

“But she wasn’t?” Em asked softly, holding his hand tighter. She couldn’t imagine a woman not being thrilled about having a baby with the man she loved. Nor could she imagine any woman not wanting Josh or his child.

“No.” He had to stop for a moment before he continued. “She went home to New York to see her family. I stayed behind because she needed some time alone to think things through. While she was gone, I did some thinking as well. Although we obviously hadn’t planned on having a child while we were both still in school, I knew without a doubt that I could support both Melanie and the baby quite handsomely. And I knew that we’d have nothing but support from Tommy and the rest of the family.” He shrugged. “And, I thought I loved her.” He snorted in disgust, then shook his head. “I didn’t even know her.”

Something dark and haunting flashed across his face, almost making Em shiver. She’d never seen that look in his eyes before.

“Josh, what happened?” she prompted softly, caressing his hand in comfort, wanting to repay him with the same comfort he’d been giving her all these months.

He lifted his gaze to hers; his expression cool and blank. It sent a shiver through Em. “Melanie never returned from New York. I received a letter from her telling me that neither a baby nor marriage were in her future. She had a brilliant law career ahead of her and she’d worked too hard for too long to give it all up now.”

Em’s gaze widened. “Josh,” she whispered, with a sick, sinking feeling in her heart. “The baby?”

Shaking his head, he blew out a breath. “She…got rid of it.”

“Oh, God, Josh.” Em’s eyes filled with tears and she clutched his hand tighter, wanting to ease the pain she knew was buried deep in his heart.

She knew how Josh felt about family, knew how he’d feel about his own child, and knew how devastating something like this would be for him.

“I’m so sorry, Josh. So very sorry.” She cursed the coldness of a woman who could lie and deceive Josh, then so callously deprive him of something he so desperately wanted.

Em wished she would have been here for Josh, to give him the support and love he’d needed during that time in the same way he’d given them to her since the day she’d come home.

“Not as sorry as I was,” he admitted with a sad smile. “She never even gave me a chance, Em. She never even asked if maybe
I
wanted my child. If she didn’t want me, fine, I could have lived with that. But why did she have to destroy our child?” Even now, after all these years the pain was still raw and deep. “I never saw or heard from her again.”

“You’re probably better off without her,” Em said, unable to keep the resentment out of her voice. She couldn’t imagine anyone just walking away from a man like Josh, and destroying a child they’d created together.

“Definitely,” he agreed, reaching for his water glass to take a sip. He shrugged, setting his glass back down. “Up until then, Em, I guarded my heart. You know how I felt after Jesse’s kidnapping, and then after my parents were killed.”

She nodded, remembering all too well. “You told me once that you would never allow yourself to love anyone again because it made you too vulnerable to hurt.” She remembered how hurt she’d been at the time, remembered how much she feared that Josh had locked his heart away forever.

“Exactly. And I meant it.” He stared into his glass. “But Melanie, well, she slipped through my defenses, and then deliberately lied to me and betrayed me. I thought she was an honest, honorable woman, someone I would have been proud to have as my wife, as the mother of my children.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how I could have been so wrong.” He lifted his gaze to Em’s. “She was the first person, the first woman I allowed myself to trust in many years, Em, and what she did to me—to us, to our child…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head again. “I don’t know how I could have been so foolish. How I could have not seen what she was truly like.” He’d been too blinded by love, he realized now, knowing he could and would never let that happen to him again. He couldn’t risk it. “I’ve never forgiven myself for not protecting my child.”

The tone of his voice made her heart ache for him, and for the child he’d lost. He was the kind of man who would always step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions.

And knowing how he felt about children, she could only imagine the heartbreak he’d gone through, heartbreak he still carried every day of his life, judging from the look on his face.

“Oh, Josh,” she said softly, lifting his hand to kiss it before pressing it to her cheek, needing to touch him right now. “It’s not your fault. You’re not the one who… It wasn’t your decision to—”

“No, Em, but it was
my
child, and I had a responsibility to protect it, to take care of it. And I didn’t,” he added so sadly that Em’s eyes filled with tears again. He looked up at her, his gaze haunted. “Em, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. Because I mistakenly thought I loved someone, because I trusted her, it cost me my child. I don’t think I could endure…such pain ever again.”

“Oh, Josh.” Em wanted to hug him and hold him until all the pain and hurt and desolation inside him melted. The resentment she felt toward the woman who had so cruelly deceived him knew no bounds. “I’m so sorry.” She held his hand tightly. “So very sorry.”

There was nothing else she could say she knew that would ease Josh’s pain or erase his guilt. Nor was there anything she could say that would change his mind about loving. She knew it; had known it since she was twelve and had foolishly professed her love for Josh. The thought that he wouldn’t allow himself to love anyone, to share his life with someone made her infinitely sad.