A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) (9 page)

After leaving Doc Haggerty’s office, Josh had insisted they finally start window-shopping for baby furniture. She knew he was getting nervous because she hadn’t even started the nursery yet, but she was trying to be practical. She was concentrating on saving money at the moment, not spending it.

“Afford?” Josh frowned, tugging her hand to take her back to the nursery. “We’re not buying, Em, you said so yourself. We’re just…looking.”

“Yes,” she hissed again, giving in to a sigh as the grinning salesman approached, numerous dollar signs flashing in his eyes. “But I can’t even afford to
look
at that set. It’s far too expensive.” And it nearly broke her heart. The display nursery was breathtaking, absolutely the ideal dream room any mother could ever have for their newborn, but she couldn’t afford to spend more than she’d saved, especially right now.

She’d managed to tuck away quite a bit of money during the past few months, money that she hoped would tide her over in an emergency. With babies, you never knew what could pop up, and she wanted to be prepared for every eventuality.

“And don’t forget Josh, I just ordered all that paint and wallpaper for the rest of the house, and have to pay for that when it comes on Friday.” She wanted the house totally redone and ready before she actually had the baby. Since Josh and his brothers had offered to do the labor this weekend, she felt she could splurge and order some paint and wallpaper that she hoped would give the house a face-lift.

“Em,” Josh said, scratching his brow, refusing to budge in spite of her nudging. “I told you before. I’ll be more than happy to lend you the money for the nursery furniture.” He shrugged. “I can afford it, and then you can pay me back…whenever.” He knew she’d been concerned about money as well as getting the nursery ready, and he wanted to relieve her of at least one thing—if she’d just let him.

“Josh.” Em closed her eyes with a sigh, trying not to lose her patience. She’d finally come to understand that Josh was not trying to undermine her, nor was he trying to interfere, he was just being…Josh. The wonderful person she’d always known, who’d been raised to help someone—anyone in need. Her gaze searched his face. “Look, I know you just want to help, and I appreciate it, I truly do, but Josh, you know I can’t and won’t take money from you.” She softened her words with a smile. “Not now. Not ever.” She’d been absolutely adamant about it since the day she’d returned home.

Josh rocked back on his heels and looked at her carefully. “Not even if it means Baby Cakes has to sleep in a dresser drawer?” The mere thought alarmed him. After what had happened in Doc Haggerty’s office this morning, feeling the intense, immense connection he felt to Baby Cakes, Josh wanted to make sure she had anything and everything she could ever want or need.

“A dresser drawer?” Em laughed. “I think you’re being just a bit melodramatic, Josh,” she said, linking her arm through his and steering him out of reach of the salesman who was bearing down on them. “It’s not that bad. And anyway, do you remember last Sunday when we helped Mrs. O’Connor set up for her garage sale?”

“Yeah,” he said with a frown, letting Em lead him out of the store and into the bright afternoon sunlight. “What about it?” He fished in his pocket for his car keys, knowing he’d have to open the doors to let the car cool a bit before she got in. The temperatures had soared into the high nineties and he worried about her being out in the heat for too long.

“Well, she and I started talking about the baby. And she told me she had an antique cradle that had been her great-grandmother’s.”

Josh stopped. “Great-grandmother’s?” he repeated with a frown, unlocking the car door for her. “Em, Mrs. O’Connor has to be…”

“She’s eighty-two, Josh,” Em supplied with a grin.

“Eighty-two?” Josh shook his head, calculating. “So that means the cradle had to be a couple of hundred years old.”

“Yep.” Em grinned. “And it’s beautiful, Josh.” She signed dreamily. “Just beautiful.” She dragged herself from her thoughts and glanced up at him, surprised to find him watching her intently.

Whenever he looked at her like that, whenever she was the sole focus of his attention, it made her nervous and weak-kneed.

Deliberately averting his gaze, Em glanced back at the store entrance. “Anyway, she said since her children are all grown, and she has no family left, she’d like someone to be able to put it to good use.”

Touched and delighted by the joy and excitement in her eyes, Josh stroked a hand down Em’s nose. “So she’s going to give it to you?” he said, pleased.

“No,” Em corrected firmly. “She’s not going to give it to me, although she offered.”

Josh sighed. “Wait, let me guess, you’re going to pay her for it?” he asked, his voice etching upward in surprise. Em could take this independent streak a tad too far, he decided, but thought better of saying that aloud.

She grinned. “Well, I’m actually not paying money, Josh, what we agreed to is a sort of…barter.”

“A barter?” Cocking his head, he looked at her carefully. “And exactly what did you barter, Em?”

“Well,” she began carefully, knowing he was probably just going to start worrying again. “Mrs. O’Connor’s going to lend the cradle to me for Baby Cakes, and what I’m going to do in exchange is take over the daily luncheon special to her for a few months.”

“A few months?” he repeated, wondering how she thought she was going to manage this new chore along with everything else she was doing. He wanted to shake his head in frustration. He’d been trying to get Em to slow down and not do so much work, not add to her workload.

He had to admit that he did admire her ingenuity. Cocking his head, Josh looked at her thoughtfully. “And of course the fact that Mrs. O’Connor is all alone now and has a hard time getting around, and everyone in town worries about her has nothing to do with this deal you made with her, right, Em?” he asked, his eyes twinkling knowingly.

“Well, it’s a fair deal, don’t you think?” Em declared indignantly, flushing and furious that he’d seen right through her. “I mean, I need a cradle for the baby, Josh, and Mrs. O’Connor needs someone to look in on her, to make sure she’s eating properly…and… What, Josh Ryan?” She wanted to whack him as she planted her hands on her hips and glared up at him. “What are you grinning about?”

Touched, without thought, he bent down and brushed his lips over hers, sliding his arm around her waist to pull her close. “You, Em, are something else.” He kissed her again, setting off warning bells in his own ears. He was beginning to crave the taste of Em. Her scent. Her touch. Her…everything.

He was no longer certain that his feelings for her were all that friendly right now, but seemed to be edging toward something far deeper and definitely more dangerous. And it scared the hell out of him.

He’d been so busy protecting himself and his heart from other women for so long, that with Em, whom he considered merely a friend, he hadn’t considered the fact that one day his feelings of friendship might grow into something more. He hadn’t considered it, so he obviously hadn’t protected himself from it.

Which might just have been a mistake, Josh realized now, watching Em and feeling something deep inside him stir.

Something he was certain he wasn’t ready to acknowledge or handle. But still, it didn’t take away this ache he had to hold Em, to touch her, to protect her.

Unable to resist, he bent his head and kissed her again, needing to taste her, to hold her close, to feel her pressed against him.

When had this need to touch her, to hold her, to protect her surface? he wondered.

And the baby,
he thought absently touching the breast pocket of his T-shirt where he’d put the ultrasound picture Doc Haggerty had given him this morning. Baby Cakes, he thought again, wondering how one tiny little unborn child could have stolen his heart already.

Annoyed at himself and his own thoughts, Josh shook his head, took a step back and let his arms drop to his side. He couldn’t think clearly with Em so close, with her wonderful scent teasing his senses.

Watching the sudden confusion he felt reflected in her eyes, Josh realized he’d better get a grip on his wayward thoughts before he scared Em. He was her friend, always had been, always would be. She trusted him, and until now had absolutely no reason not to and he wasn’t about to ruin that friendship by entering a place Em had made very clear she was never going to go again.

He would never do anything to damage the trust they’d shared for so many years.

How many times had she reminded him that she didn’t want or need a man in her life? How many times had she told him that she intended never to fall in love again, never intended to depend or trust another man again?

Not just for her sake, but for the baby’s sake as well.

Glancing up at the sun, Josh decided it was just the afternoon heat that was frying his brain, making his mind travel to places it shouldn’t be going.

Not now. Not ever.

Still, he glanced at Em, standing before him with her hand over her belly, her eyes wide in surprise, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and hold her—forever.

He quickly channeled his thoughts in another direction, back to their conversation.

“That’s a very kind thing to do, Em,” he said quietly, struggling to get control of his emotions. “I’m sure Mrs. O’Connor appreciates it.” It wasn’t enough that she was taking care of herself and the baby by herself, now she was taking care of Saddle Falls’s elderly.

He knew Em had always had a soft spot for Mrs. O’Connor and for anyone else who was alone and without a family to care for them. When they were in high school, Mrs. O’Connor had fallen and broken her ankle. Every day for almost two months, Em had gone over to the woman’s house after school, checking on her, running errands for her, cooking for her. She’d even borrowed her father’s truck to take Mrs. O’Connor to Doc Haggerty’s to get her cast removed.

Em sighed, trying not to let on how her pulse was jumping or her heart thudding. Josh so carelessly touched and kissed her—in friendship, she knew, and nothing more. And of course, she reasoned, it was only natural since they spent so much time together.

Only natural for two friends.

Em wanted to scowl, realizing she was beginning to hate the word.
Friends.

If she just thought of Josh as a friend, how come every time he touched her or kissed her, her knees grew weak and she wanted to cling to him, to hold him, to lean on him in a way she’d sworn she’d never, ever do again.

Feeling fearful, and a bit embarrassed that she’d made a fool of herself, Em decided to get some perspective on the situation, not to let on to Josh how much his touch, or his kiss was affecting her.

“Are you hungry?” she asked abruptly.

“Hungry?” He cocked his head to look at her. “Am I getting senile or didn’t we just have lunch after we left Doc Haggerty’s office?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, letting her grin slide wider. “We did.” She hesitated a moment, her grin growing wider. “And your point is…”

He laughed, relieved that his own tumultuous feelings apparently weren’t effecting her—or her appetite. “Okay, what do you say we stop and pick up something to eat—”

“Double cheeseburgers and fries?” she asked hopefully and he nodded.

“Double cheeseburgers and fries it is. Then afterward, once it cools down—”

“If it cools down,” she interrupted.

“Yeah,
if
it cools down, we can sit on your front porch and have ice cream?”

“Chocolate decadent fudge?” she asked with a lift of her brow, making him laugh.

“Is there any other kind?” Josh glanced back at the furniture warehouse, and a thought began bubbling in his mind. Em refused to take his help. She refused to take his money. But, she certainly wouldn’t refuse a
gift?
A baby gift for Baby Cakes. Would she?

“E
m, here’s one. Wilhelmina.” Josh glanced over at her in the moonlight. The air had actually cooled enough for them to enjoy sitting outside.

“Wilhelmina?” Arching a brow, Em took a lick of her ice cream cone and looked at Josh skeptically. “You’re kidding, right?” She studied his face. “Aren’t you?” she asked weakly, making him grin.

“No, I’m not,” he admitted. “What’s wrong with Wilhelmina?” he asked, glancing up at her in the darkness. He was holding the book of baby names with one hand and finishing off the last of his cone with the other.

“I think,” she said with a frown, concentrating on her ice cream, “that if we name the baby Wilhelmina, she’ll have to go straight from the womb to the Supreme Court.”

Josh laughed, shaking his head. “Guess that means you don’t like it, then, huh?”

“Good guess.” She took another lick of her cone, then pushed the swing with her foot, setting it swaying.

“How on earth do you know it’s a girl? You told Doc Haggerty you didn’t want to know the sex and we sure couldn’t tell from the ultrasound.” His brows drew together. “At least I couldn’t.”

She grinned, patting her belly which seemed to be growing by inches every moment. “That’s because I
already
know it, Josh. It’s definitely a girl.”

He sighed. They’d been having this same argument for weeks. He couldn’t understand how she could be so sure, so positive. It confounded him. But then again, so many things about pregnant women—and women in general, did.

“Okay, then let’s look at some more baby girls’ names.” He flipped a few pages, then tilted his head to see better under the porch light. “Here’s one. How about Petingula?”

She laughed. “Josh, it’s a baby, not a puppet.”

“Guess you don’t like that, either,” he said, flipping to another page, and eyeing her, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Okay, this one’s nice. How about Leticia?” He reached out and wiped a drip of ice cream off her bare thigh with his napkin. “That’s different.”

“I think we’ll stick with something a bit more traditional,” she said. She grabbed the baby book from his hand, tucking it under her thigh so he couldn’t reach it.

“Traditional?” He grinned. He loved to tease her, to see her smile, to laugh, knowing she was relaxed and happy. It was such a change from the sad, somber Em who had come into his office on that morning a few months ago. “I’d say what you’re going for is…boring.”

“Boring?” she repeated, bopping him gently on the head with the little book before popping the last of her ice cream cone into her mouth. “If you had your way, the baby would have a moniker that would be the menace of her life.” She rubbed her forehead. “You’re going to give me a headache with all these unusual names.” Grinning, she tucked the little book back under her thigh and out of his reach. “Josh,” she said carefully, gathering her thoughts. She’d been trying to get up enough courage to bring this up for almost a week. “There’s something I want to ask you,” she said slowly, watching his face.

“Good, because I have a favor to ask of you, too, Em,” he said.

“A favor?” She reached out and touched his arm. They were sitting so close, his thigh was brushing against hers on the swing, sending shooting sparks of awareness through her. “Josh, I’ll do anything you want or give you anything you need, you know that. After all you’ve done for me the past few months…” She let her voice trail off. She couldn’t even begin to thank him or repay him for all he’d done. “I’m so grateful—”

“Em.” He blew out a breath, wondering why Em’s
gratitude
annoyed him so much. Maybe because he wanted something more than gratitude from her, he thought, surprising himself. “There’s no need to feel grateful,” he said, struggling to keep his voice light. “It’s just friends helping friends. You’d do the same for me if our situations were reversed.”

“I’d do anything for you, Josh,” she said softly. “Anything.” And she meant it, knowing what she was feeling for Josh, what had begun growing in her heart was something far stronger, far more important and frightening than gratitude.

She’d struggled the past few weeks to contain the feelings that had been swamping her, feelings that frightened her and kept her awake and restless at night.

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Josh’s kisses. Hadn’t stopped thinking about them or wanting them. More of them.

And felt heartily ashamed for her wanting.

She had no right to want or expect anything from Josh, she reminded herself. But that still hadn’t stopped the flame of longing that had ignited the moment he’d kissed her, and kept growing day by day, kindness by kindness.

She knew she was being foolish; knew, too, that Josh was just being Josh, her best friend. But still, deep in the recesses of her scarred heart, she longed for it to be more.

And it was that longing that frightened her more than anything else.

“Em, I’ve got a friend who’s had a little trouble and needs some help. He’s had some bad breaks in life. His parents died, then he went to live with his grandmother and she passed away.” Josh shrugged. “He went a little wild, got into some trouble, and well—”

“Josh, how old is this…friend of yours?” she asked suspiciously, trying not to grin, knowing Josh’s penchant for helping people.

He looked sheepish. “Uh…sixteen, Em, next month I think.”

“Sixteen,” she said with a nod, understanding perfectly. “Now why do I have a feeling this is one of your wayward kids from the Saddle Falls Outreach Program?”

The Saddle Falls Outreach Program had originally been funded by the Ryan family. It was a shelter right on the outskirts of town that housed kids who’d been in trouble, had been abused or were simply runaways or at risk in some other way.

Working in conjunction with the county sheriff and the court system, the sprawling center was manned by several full-time social workers, as well as a physician who was on call twenty-four hours a day.

They not only housed the kids, but they also tried to help and rehabilitate them, insisting they go to school, work and become productive members of the community. They’d had a high degree of success, and even now, ten years after the center had been founded, they were still working to improve the lives of many youths and teens.

With funds coming in from the county tax rolls, just about everyone in the community pitched in and helped some way. But no family more than the Ryans.

“Are you still representing the center and doing legal work for them for free?”

“It’s called pro bono work, Em.”

“So that means yes,” she asked with a smile. “Right?”

He sighed. “Guilty as charged. Someone has to help these kids, Em.”

With a grin, she shook her head. “And of course, Joshua, you think it should be
you?
” she asked, feeling her admiration and her pride in him grow.

“Hey, Em, the way I look at it, everyone’s got a responsibility to do what they can when they can. If everyone reaches out a hand, then, hey, maybe we’ll all get where we’re going and along the way maybe we can save some of these kids before they get in real trouble.”

Unbearably moved, she touched his cheek in the darkness. “You know, Josh, you never cease to amaze me.”

“Why?” He shrugged, slightly embarrassed. “I’m not doing anything anyone else wouldn’t have done. I just happen to have gotten there first, that’s all.”

It was a lot more than that, and she knew it.

Josh was willingly going out of his way to try to help teenagers he had no relationship with or history with and make their lives better.

Her ex-husband wouldn’t even take responsibility for his
own
child, she thought with a hint of sadness. How on earth could two men be so different? she wondered.

It was very hard not to compare Josh with her ex, and whenever she did, she realized once again what a poor judge of character she’d been.

“So, this sixteen-year-old friend of yours,
is
he one of your wayward kids?” she asked, knowing the answer by the look on his face.

“In a manner of speaking,” he hedged, trying not to grin.

Em sighed, then turned to him. “Okay, fess up. Exactly in what manner
are
we speaking here?”

“Well, nothing really serious, Em.” He paused, then said, “Just a little…B and E.”

“Just a little B and E?” She frowned, then realization hit. “You mean breaking and entering?” she asked, her voice edging upward in shock. He nodded and she groaned. “Josh, how can it be a
little
B and E?”

He grinned. “Because he got caught climbing in the little side window of Perry’s Grocery. Actually, he got stuck. The sheriff was making his midnight rounds and caught him in the act. Hauled him out of the window into the police station, then called the Outreach Center, and they in turn called me.” Josh shook his head. “The kid was trembling in his boots.” Josh laughed. “For all his tough-guy facade, I think I scared the daylights out of him.”

“Josh, why on earth was he breaking into a food mart? That doesn’t make sense. It’s not like Jim Perry keeps a lot of cash in there, everyone in town knows that.”

“He wasn’t looking for money, Em, he was looking for something to eat.”

“Oh, Josh, the poor kid.” Her heart aching for the boy, Em pressed a hand to her belly, thinking about her own child, wondering if that could have been her fate if things had turned out differently. Just thinking about it sent a shiver over her.

Josh took her hand in his, holding it gently. “His name’s Sammy, Em, and he’s really a good kid who’s just had some bad breaks. Oh, he’s got this real tough-guy facade like most sixteen-year-olds, but underneath it, he has a kind heart, as well as a conscience that tells him what’s right and wrong. And I think if he has a little help, a role model or two, he might be able to turn his life around and become a productive member of society. What he needs right now is a part-time job after school, Em. That’s one of the conditions for staying at the Outreach house. And I thought, well, since you and Mrs. O’Connor made that bartering deal, maybe you can hire Sammy to do your deliveries for you in the afternoon, and then maybe help out in the diner as well.” And if she had help in the afternoons, maybe just maybe, she’d stop working a full day and come home in the afternoons and rest, Josh thought. Like he’d been nagging her to do for weeks.

She laughed. “And you think a pregnant single mom is going to be some kind of role model for him?”

“Em, is that how you think of yourself?” he asked softly, surprised. She turned away from him. “Em?” He touched her chin, tipping it up so she had no choice but to meet his gaze.

She had to swallow before she could answer him, tamping down the feelings and emotions Josh’s touch, his kindness, his presence aroused.

She knew she couldn’t even begin to start thinking of Josh as anything more than a friend. She couldn’t afford to, not without disastrous consequences. She’d foolhardily fallen in love blindly before; she wasn’t about to make that mistake again. Falling in love with any man was too dangerous. It made her lose her objectivity, and she wouldn’t and couldn’t risk it.

“It’s not just how I see myself, Josh,” she said with a careless shrug. “It’s what I am.”

“No, Em,” he said softly, running his thumb over the soft skin of her chin, enjoying the surprise that leaped into her eyes. There was something else, too, he realized. A wariness. Why on earth would Em be wary about him? he wondered. “You’re so much more than that. You’re a beautiful, kind, loving, responsible woman who’s about to give birth to her first, much wanted, much loved child, and doing everything in her power to make sure she gives that baby everything it could possibly need, especially love, more than anything. I’d say that’s one helluva role model for a young boy, Em.”

“Oh, Josh.” He touched her wounded heart in so many ways, she thought. Touched it and changed it, made it a little less scarred each time with his kindness, his goodness.

He was so close, and when he was touching her, like he was now, she had trouble thinking clearly. Right now, all she could think of was the pounding of her heart and the longing inside it.

She sighed, feeling slightly off-kilter by the feelings storming through her. “Okay, Josh. Send Sammy to see me tomorrow after school. I’ll put him to work bussing tables and he can make the deliveries to Mrs. O’Connor, that way I’ll be sure someone’s checking on her every day.”

Delighted, Josh surprised both of them by catching her up in a hug. “Em, thanks. I appreciate it.” Realizing she was pressed against him from neck to waist, and he could feel the soft, lush feminine curves, Josh had to swallow hard, realizing having Em this close, having her sweet feminine scent tickling his nose was wreaking havoc on his senses—and his body.

Em might just be his friend, but she was still a woman—a gorgeous, desirable woman—and he was still a man. A man who still had all the normal needs and desires of any other man. With a sigh, he set her away from him, resting his brow against hers. “Thanks, Em. I knew I could count on you. You won’t be sorry.”

She laughed, her heart still sputtering from being held so close to him. “I certainly hope not.”

“Okay, one problem solved, let’s hear yours.”

“Mine.” She faltered, glancing away, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

“Come on, now, Em, it’s not like you to be shy.” Casually, he dropped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. “What’s on your mind?”

At the moment, her mind had gone blank. It was very difficult to think clearly when Josh had his arm around her in that protective, loving way he had.

He was just being friendly, she told herself. There was no need to get rattled over it. But she had to swallow hard to give herself time to gather her scattered thoughts.

“Well, actually, there is something I’d like to ask you in keeping with the deal we made.” With a sigh, she leaned against him, deciding she’d enjoy the comfort of his arm, his embrace. As long as she kept things in perspective, what was the harm? “And I want you to feel free to say no. I mean, I don’t want you to be obligated or anything—”