A Home for Haley (25 page)

Kayla’s eyes filled with tears and
she clung to Haley’s legs. “Why are you moving away?”

“I needed to get my own place for a
while, and right now it’s time to go there.” Oh God, she should say more, so
much more, but she couldn’t. She simply couldn’t. She squeezed her eyes shut
and felt Kayla’s body begin to shake. Tears seeped out of Haley’s burning eyes.

“I don’t want you to go to another
house,” Kayla said, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to leave, sweetie. And
please, please believe me when I say this has nothing to do with you. You’re
the sweetest little girl in the world.” She kissed Kayla on the top of her head.
“I love you, honey.” Fighting for control, Haley picked up Ryan, grabbed her
purse, and then hurried through the kitchen toward the back door, not even
stopping when Kayla screamed for her and Ryan reached for Ethan. She had to get
out of here right now before she fell apart and begged Ethan to forgive her and
give her another chance.

“Wait.” Ethan’s voice stopped her
in her tracks. He walked up to her and she thought for a minute he might
apologize, but his gaze was on Ryan. He stroked her son’s blonde hair and then kissed
his cheek. “Bye, little buddy.” Without so much as a glance at her, he turned
and walked away.

Holding her crying son, Haley
practically ran out the door, too shocked and hurt to do anything but get away
as quickly as she could.

****

“Why can’t Haley watch me anymore?”
Kayla asked Ethan for about the millionth time. “I know she has her own house,
but that doesn’t mean she can’t come here and babysit me.” Kayla sniffed. “I
want to see her,” she begged, her voice more whiney with every word.

Ethan sighed with frustration even
though he hurt for his daughter. They’d been doing this dance for three weeks
now, and Kayla would not let up. She missed Haley so much that she cried
herself to sleep every night, and it broke his heart. But short of calling
Haley and asking her to come back to work, there wasn’t much he could do, and
he sure as hell didn’t want Haley back here. His heart couldn’t take it.

“I miss Ryan, too,” Kayla went on,
scowling at him like a fierce lion cub. She picked up her empty cereal bowl,
carried it to the sink, then whirled around to face him. “And besides that you’re
boring, Daddy.”

She was right about that
,
Ethan thought. He even bored himself these days. “Your grandmother will be here
soon,” Ethan said. “And she’s not boring.”

“But I want Haley.” Kayla started
to cry in earnest.

Ethan rinsed a plate and then dried
his hands. “Come here, Kayla.” She didn’t budge so he went to her and picked
her up, giving her a big hug. “Would you like to talk with Haley on the phone?”

Kayla nodded and wiped her nose.
“Hold on.” Ethan pulled out his cell phone and hoped he wasn’t making a huge
mistake that would only make matters worse, because the thought of things worse
than they already were was enough to knock the wind out of him. God knows he
understood how Kayla felt, because he’d spent the last three weeks missing
Haley something fierce. Several times, he’d almost called to see if he and
Kayla could come over to her place for a visit, but he’d somehow managed to
keep from acting on that impulse. He knew he had to hold firm or he would never
get over this woman, and he was determined to do that and not be foolish enough
to try and win her back like he’d done with Ellie. He realized he’d been the one
to send Haley away, so it wasn’t exactly like the situation with Ellie, but
close enough, and he would not call and ask her to come back.

The trouble was, he had to do
something to help his daughter through this. Praying he was doing the right
thing, he called Haley, dreading hearing her voice even as he yearned to hear
it. She answered on the fourth ring and his breath caught in his throat. Only
for his daughter would he put himself through this.

“Just calling because Kayla really
wants to see you,” he said, and then realized how cold he sounded. And what a
big fat lie it was.

“Ryan and I have missed her, too”
Haley responded.

You could have called
, he
thought with more anger than he realized he still carried. “She’s pretty
adamant about seeing you, Haley. Think there’s a way we can work something
out?” Silence greeted him and he clenched his jaw. “This has been pretty rough
on her. I think it would help her to at least get together with you and Ryan,
even for a little while.”

He heard her clear her throat.
“Ryan’s been asking about Kayla, too. And you,” she added. Pain cut through him,
ragged and relentless. Ryan had become like a son to him and he missed that boy
almost as much as he missed Haley. He waited for what seemed like an eternity,
listened to her ragged breathing and wondered if talking to him was affecting
her like it was him.
Don’t go there
.

“Does she want to come swimming
this afternoon?” Haley finally asked.

“Let me ask.” Kayla grinned at his
question and shouted with glee. “I guess you heard that.”

“Yes.” Her voice sounded strained.
“Why don’t you drop her off at noon and then get her after work?”

“Mother comes now to help, and I’m
sure she’ll be more than happy to drop Kayla at your place.
Thank God he
didn’t have to go through that.
“Give me the address.” He set Kayla down so
he could write on the notepad on the counter. “Thank you,” he managed to say
and sound halfway normal. “Mom will bring her around one o’clock. He pocketed
his phone and smiled at Kayla. “Looks like you’re going swimming with Haley and
Ryan this afternoon.”

Kayla threw her arms around him. “I
need to find my swimsuit.” Grinning, she raced out of the kitchen.

Ethan took a sip of tepid coffee,
grateful as hell his mother would be the one taking Kayla to Haley’s and picking
her up. The minute she walked through his door this morning, he was heading to
the office and doing his best to bury himself in work. As pleased as he was for
Kayla, it certainly wouldn’t be easy for him knowing that everyone but him was
together for the afternoon.

He finished his cup of coffee,
filled his briefcase with work and hoped his mom got here soon, because he
needed to occupy his mind with something besides Haley, and he sure as hell
couldn’t do that here, where memories coated every room and even her scent
sometimes still lingered.

****

“I’m not changing my mind, Dad.”
Haley rolled her eyes at her father’s unrelenting campaign for money. The
doorbell rang and she was glad Dottie was here to pick up Kayla, because it was
the perfect excuse to hang up. Besides, Haley had enjoyed having Dottie here
earlier, and Ryan had been over the moon with sheer happiness.

As her father continued his plea for
why she should at least lend him money, Haley hurried to the front door, pulled
it open and gasped when she saw Ethan. Her stomach knotted instantly and she
wanted to slam the door shut and lock it, which was pretty juvenile, but seeing
him made her heart ache with a need she’d so hoped had lessened over these last
few weeks. No such luck.

She motioned him inside and closed
the front door. “I’m hanging up now, Dad. I’ve had my day’s quota of this.
Goodbye.”

Ethan raised his brows. “Day’s
quota? I guess your father is still ragging on you.”

She ignored his comment. “I thought
Dottie was coming to get Kayla.”

“She went home early. I think she
was bored at the house all by herself.”

“Oh. She stayed and visited a while
this afternoon. It was good to see her.” There was an awkward silence. “Ah, let
me get Kayla.” She practically ran out of the room to get away from Ethan.
“Kayla, honey, your dad is here.”

Kayla’s shoulders slumped. “Do I
have to leave?”

“Yes, but you can come back another
time. I’ll make sure your dad knows that.”

Kayla dragged herself out of the
room, Ryan trailing behind her. When he saw Ethan, he raced to him and threw
his arms around his legs. Ethan picked him up. “Hey there, Ryan.”

Haley’s eyes teared as she watched
her son wrap his arms around Ethan’s neck and hold on tight, burying his head
against Ethan’s neck. She remembered only too vividly how it felt to be snuggled
up in Ethan’s arms, surrounded by his fresh masculine scent.

Ethan rubbed Ryan’s back. “I’ve
missed you, little buddy.”

“Missed you too, Daddy.”

Haley’s throat tightened with raw emotion
and her eyes watered so much that the entire room blurred. What had ever made
her think she could deal with seeing Ethan, but how could she not let the kids see
each other? They were hurting and she had to do everything she could to help
them. From the look on Ethan’s face, he felt the same way.

Ethan’s gaze landed on her but his
expression remained hard and unreadable. He obviously didn’t want to be here
anymore than she wanted him here. Yet part of her was glad he had come, because
Ryan had begged numerous times to see him.

She walked toward them. “Ryan has
missed you.”
And so have I
, she thought, despondent that she felt that
way.

“He can visit anytime. There’s no
reason the kids can’t get together.”

She nodded. “You’re right. We’ll
set up another playtime soon.”

“Can Ryan come over tomorrow?” Kayla
asked. “Grandma won’t mind.”

He glanced at Haley. “I’m not sure
what Mom has planned. I’ll have her call you.”

Haley nodded again, not trusting
her voice. Ethan obviously wanted nothing to do with her. She gave Kayla a big
hug. “I had a great time with you today. Come see me again. We have all summer
to swim.”

Kayla clung to her as tightly as Ryan
clung to Ethan. “Ah, Kayla, we need to head home now.” Ethan started to hand
Ryan to her, but her son clung to him like a baby monkey trying to keep from
falling out of a tree. Ethan finally managed to pry Ryan’s grasp from his neck
so Haley could take him. Their hands brushed and Haley jerked back. Both
children were crying so hard no one even bothered to try and talk. She walked them
to the door, gave Kayla one last kiss and closed up behind them, trying in vain
to quiet her tumultuous emotions and console Ryan, but knowing there was no way
she could make Ryan feel better when her own heart was breaking into pieces
just like his.

The sound of Ryan’s cries jerked
Haley out of a vivid dram of Ethan kissing her. Fighting back tears, she
crawled out of bed, tossed on a robe, and headed toward Ryan, whose cries had
intensified.

The minute she stepped into his
room, the smell of vomit assaulted her. She flipped the light on and hurried to
her son. His face was red with fever and he was covered in his mess.

She hurried to the bathroom,
grabbed a towel and wet wash cloth, then returned to Ryan, who held out his
arms and cried harder.

“Me want Daddy,” he sobbed.

His words shot slivers of pain
through her, a thousand stings that assaulted her senses as her own childhood
pleas for her father filled her head. How many times had she asked him for help
and been disappointed? Called to him when she was scared and he hadn’t come?

Her son wanted Ethan, the man he
knew as Daddy. She would call him, but only because her son needed him. Wrapping
the towel around Ryan, she wiped his face clean and carried him to the bathroom.
As she stripped off his dirty pajamas and touched his bare skin, she realized his
body was burning up. Anxiety curled through her as she turned on the bathtub
water, making sure it was tepid and not cold.

Grabbing the thermometer from the
medicine cabinet she took her son’s temperature and froze with fear. Oh God! It
was one hundred and four. Blood rushed through her veins, making her a little lightheaded
as she eased Ryan into the water. He screamed and arched his back, his body
shaking as if she’d put him in a bucket of ice cubes, and it was all Haley
could do to keep herself even halfway calm.

“You’ll be better soon, honey. The
water won’t feel so cold in a little bit.” He continued to scream, his teeth
chattering, and Haley had to clamp her lips together to keep her own teeth from
chattering. She reached for the Tylenol, sucked the dosage into the dropper and
somehow got him to take it without choking.

She dipped the wash rag in the
water and laid it across his forehead, then scooped water onto his stomach and
chest. He screamed louder and her heart ached for him, but she continued doing
the only thing she knew might help.

It seemed like an eternity before
he quit shaking and his crying abated. She grabbed a fresh towel and lifted him
onto her lap, cuddling him close. Thank God he had calmed down because she
didn’t think she could have stood that much longer. She dried him off and
carried him to the changing table, where she quickly slipped a nighttime diaper
on him and a fresh pair of pajamas.

“Let’s go get in Mommy’s bed,” she said.

Halfway to her room, he grabbed her
shirt, a look of pure panic on his face and then threw up, covering them both.
Haley headed back to the bathroom, where she stripped him down and pulled off
her dirty robe.

“I’m so sorry you’re sick,” she
cooed as she took his temperature again. Still one hundred and four. Her nerves
sizzled and she pulled in a deep breath, hoping to calm herself. Ryan had needed
the Tylenol but she doubted he had kept much, if any, of it down.

After cleaning them both up and
re-dressing Ryan, she called his pediatrician and left a voice mail. She
grabbed yet another towel in case he threw up again and sat in the chair in her
room. Fighting down fear, she waited for the return call from the doctor. After
what seemed like an eternity, she glanced at the clock. Only eight minutes
since she’d called the doctor. At least Ryan hadn’t thrown up again. Oh how she
wished she felt comfortable calling Ethan. Ryan wanted him and so did she, but
now was not the time to use her phone.

She willed her racing heart to slow
down. She could do this. Ryan needed her and she would be there for him. The
room became quiet as Ryan’s cries stopped.
Thank God
, she thought.
Glancing down at him, she realized he had become listless. Her heart skipped a
beat and then raced with fear. Being listless was way more frightening than his
crying.

Her cell rang and she answered,
quickly explaining the situation to the pediatrician.

“You need to take him to the
emergency room,” Dr. Crowley said. “I’ll meet you there.”

Relieved to know Ryan would be in
good hands in only a few minutes, Haley gathered what she needed and carried
Ryan out to the car. He never made a peep.

She made it to the hospital in
record time, but it seemed like hours before she and Ryan were taken back to a
cubicle where her doctor waited. After a quick exam, she turned to Haley. “Your
son is dehydrated,” she said. “Good thing you brought him in.”

“How could that happen so quickly?”

“His fever is high and he can’t
keep fluids down. It becomes a vicious cycle very quickly. He’ll be fine,” the doctor
assured her. “We’ll keep him overnight, give him something for the nausea and
hydrate him.”

“How will you give him nausea medicine
when he keeps throwing up?”

“Through an IV.” Dr. Crowley nodded
to the nurse who hurried from the room.

The thought of Ryan having a needle
put in one of his tiny veins had Haley fighting back tears. She hated this.
Hated that her baby was so sick and that he would be traumatized this early in
life. “He will fight it,” she whispered, both to herself and the doctor.

“We know what we’re doing and will
get it done as quickly as possible,” the doctor said. “Would you like to step
out of the room for this?”

Haley shook her head. No way would
she desert her son. “I want to be here.”
Make that need to be here
. No
way did she
want
to be here, and no way did she want Ryan to go through
this, especially on his own.

“He’s too sick to fight very much,”
the doctor said quietly enough that Ryan couldn’t hear.

“Is that supposed to make me feel
better?” Haley responded.

Dr. Crowley patted her arm. “Yes,
because what we’re giving him will perk him up in no time. Too bad we can’t
help you as easily.”

The nurse returned with a tray of
supplies, and Haley began shaking. The doctor gave her an understanding smile.
“It will be fine. Stand beside his head. We are going to swaddle the rest of him
to keep him still. He won’t like it, but we are not hurting him. Do your best
to hold his head still.”

Oh God, she wasn’t sure she
could do this
. Haley held Ryan’s head and stroked his face. He was so hot
that heat radiated onto her own face as she bent over him and spoke softly,
trying her best to reassure him. She closed her eyes and prayed for all she was
worth.

“Hi Ryan,” the nurse said, stroking
his arm. “I’m Barbara. I’m going to give you some medicine to make you feel
better.” She swaddled him tightly except for one arm, which she picked up.

“Talk to him,” the doctor said as
she moved in to help keep Ryan’s arm still.

Haley swallowed hard. “Look at me,
honey. Would you like to watch cartoons when the nurse is done?”

Ryan shook his head. “Me want
Daddy.”

Of course he did
.
They
both wanted Ethan
.

“Okay, Ryan,” the nurse said.
“There will be a little prick and then we’ll be all done.”

She held his hand and swiped the
top of it with alcohol. Ryan screamed and fought to pull away, but the doctor
held his arm and hand steady. Haley turned her head away and somehow managed to
hold in her own cries. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse spoke.
“All done. And you were a very good boy,” she said as she un-swaddled him.

The air whooshed out of Haley and
tears fell, plopping onto Ryan’s red face as he continued to cry. She wiped her
tears off his cheeks. “You will feel better soon, honey. I promise.”

Dr. Crowley rubbed Ryan’s leg. “I
think you were a very brave young man. So brave that you deserve a big Popsicle.
What color do you want?”

“Yellow,” Ryan answered with a
sniff. The doctor nodded and smiled at Haley. “When the nausea medicine starts
to work, the nurse will bring him a yellow popsicle. You look like you need to
sit,” she added, nodding to the recliner.

Haley’s shoulders slumped and her
legs turned rubbery. She shoved the recliner closer to Ryan’s bed and sank onto
it, holding Ryan’s needle-free hand. “How long before his fever comes down?”

“Not long. Fluids are a wonderful
thing. The medicine we gave him for his tummy is already making him sleepy.”
Dr. Crowley nodded toward Ryan, whose eyes were drooping. “I’ll be back to
check on him in about an hour or so. Press this button if you need anything.”

Haley nodded, exhaustion filling
her to her very core, but she refused to close her eyes. She wanted to watch
Ryan, make sure his fever came down. After about thirty minutes, she could tell
a difference. “Thank God,” she whispered, thankful he hadn’t thrown up again
either. She wiped Ryan’s curls off his sticky forehead and kissed it, the feel
of his cooler skin calming her. Letting out a pent up breath, she scooted back
in her seat and made herself as comfortable as she could.

She should probably warn Ethan that
he and Kayla had been exposed to the stomach bug. She glanced at the clock and
was surprised it was close to midnight. She shouldn’t call Ethan this late,
even though it would be nice to hear his voice. She had no doubt that if she
called him, Ethan would come as soon as he could. He cared deeply for Ryan and
would want to be here for him. And for her. The realization brought a fresh wave
of tears.

Ethan was the only person in her
life who she could count on, even if they were no longer lovers. She would call
him first thing tomorrow. Ryan wanted him, just like she used to want her
father when she’d felt bad, but unlike her father, Ethan would come. He was so
different than her dad. He would want to be here for Ryan. She knew that
without a doubt and while that knowledge felt good, it also made her sad.
Ryan’s own grandfather would not come if he lived here, but she and Ethan were
estranged, and he would still come.

Knowing that made her feel cared
for in a way she’d never felt, not as a child and certainly not as an adult.
Her father had never been there for her—not when she was sick, not even for her
husband’s funeral. Her mother might as well have been a single mom. She had been
forced to carry the demanding job of parenting all on her own.

For the first time, Haley realized with
stark clarity how tough that must have been on her mother. Her father wasn’t supportive
of anyone, not just his daughter. When he’d pleaded being sick and hadn’t come
for Dale’s funeral, Haley had felt certain he wasn’t ill. Her mother should
have flown here without him. Been here for her daughter. Fresh anger churned
through Haley.

Her mother always chose her husband
over her daughter, and for the first time in her life, Haley knew with
certainty that neither her father nor her mother would ever be there for her in
a time of need. She had to accept that. And it was time she put a stop to her
father’s continued harassment about loaning him money. She pulled in a
cleansing breath, knowing it was time—past time—she did that. She would change
her phone number at the first opportunity.

Feeling stronger, Haley settled
into the quiet room. She had finally accepted what kind of man her father was,
and that gave her the courage to protect herself from his continued harassment.
As for her mother, she would always stand by her husband. Always put him first,
no matter the situation. In many ways that hurt even worse, because Haley would
never desert Ryan. Never.

Ryan stirred and emitted a small
cry. She jumped up and stroked his forehead, which was no longer feverish. He
opened his eyes part way. “Mama,” he murmured as he fought to keep his eyes
open.

Haley took his small hand in hers.
“Go back to sleep, Ryan. Mama is here,” she said feeling utterly alone. It
wasn’t a new feeling, but it slammed through her with enough force to leave her
breathless. She supposed being scared to death for your child’s health would do
that to you.

She thought of Dale and how much
easier this would be if he were here. Yet even before he had left on his third
tour of duty, he was often gone. In fact, he had not been home for much of
their marriage. When he was there, he’d been attentive and supportive, but
those times had been far and few between. Haley sucked in a quick breath as
another revelation barreled through her. She’d married a man who was rarely
available to her. A man like her father, at least in that respect.

 She gasped and clamped a hand over
her mouth. She wondered what he would have done if she’d told Dale straight out
that she didn’t want him to take that last tour. What was wrong with her that
she never verbalized her own needs, preferring to make her husband’s needs more
important than her own.

Haley’s breath caught in her throat
like a spider web, clogging it until she could barely breathe.
She was just
like her mother—a woman unable to voice her own needs.

She laughed, a bitter laugh,
because the truth was devastating to admit. And even harder to accept.

She never verbalized her needs
because she’d grown up knowing they would be ignored, by both parents but especially
by her father. He had colored every relationship in her life—her and her
mother’s, her and Dale’s. And, oh how she hated to admit it, but her and
Ethan’s.

How would it have changed things if
she had talked to Ethan, told him straight out why his pressure affected her so
strongly? But how could she have done that, when she hadn’t realized it until
now? She fought back despair. Ethan had deserved to know why his insistence
about marriage made her want to run away and never look back. His pressure had
consumed her, eaten at her until she could barely manage a coherent thought,
much less a coherent sentence.

She had been so scared to voice her
own needs that she’d allowed Dale to go on his third tour of Afghanistan without
even saying, “I do not want you to go. Don’t do this.”