A Life Less Broken (14 page)

“Guess
what?” Dominic says as he gets off the phone with his brother.

“What?”

“I’ve got two
things to tell you, actually. First, the mirror will be delivered this
afternoon.” He looks at the clock that hangs over TV, and then looks back at
me. “It’ll be here in about an hour.”

Shit. I stiffen
and feel the fear slowly creep into me, and a wave of nausea grips my stomach.

“Okay,
that’s good. I guess.” I’m not fooling Dominic.  He knows how stressed I am.

“And a second
thing just happened.” He stops talking and in four large strides embraces me in
a huge bear hug. “My divorce has been finalized,” he murmurs as he kisses my
forehead.

“I’m really
happy for you, Dominic.” I nuzzle closer into him, trying to draw strength from
the intimacy between us.

Dominic’s
body vibrates with elation and I can feel his good mood penetrating straight
through to my soul. Things are looking up for us. I’m getting a mirror in here,
and his divorce is finally settled.

Despite my momentary
fear, I can’t help but feel jubilation at everything that’s happening for us.
And
for me.

Two short
months ago I slept with a knife under my pillow, and couldn’t go further than
three steps without checking for my panic button. I was absolutely enshrouded by
a massive cloud of terror and fear.

Today, that
knife is in a drawer in the kitchen. The panic button has been retired to the
hallway table, and I even leave the wooden door open to let fresh air into my
home.

Standing in
Dominic’s embrace, I can’t help but think that all of this has been made possible
only by the amazing efforts of the man I love.

“Dominic?”

“Hmmm,” he
murmurs as his hands softly trail up and down on either side of my spine.

“I love
you,” I whisper in the tiniest of voices. A burn flashes through me as I
realize what I’ve admitted.

Dominic’s
hands stop the sensual movements on my back. He moves away slightly so he can kiss
my nose then leans down so our foreheads are touching.

“Say it
again,” he demands, “but you need to say it louder.”

“I love
you.” My stomach is still churning and I don’t know if this moment was the
right time for me to tell him. But I don’t care. I’ve been through so much shit
in my life that I need him to know how I feel. He’s the one for me, and I don’t
give a damn about the timing.

He cups my
face and tips it up so I look into his mesmerizing, blazing orbs.

“My heart is
yours. My soul belongs to you because I love you with everything that I am,” he
whispers.

The
affection in my heart increases with every word that passes Dominic’s lips, and
tears fall freely from my eyes.

He loves
me.

“Are those happy
tears?” Dominic wipes my cheeks with the pad of his thumbs. “Even crying,
you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

My emotions heighten
with every morsel of sound that Dominic says.

“Sweetheart?”
I look up at Dominic and his eyes narrow with concern, most likely because I
haven’t been able to speak yet.

A smile
dances on my lips as I gather the right words for Dominic. But I don’t know
what those words should be. “Thank you for loving me. I didn’t think anyone ever
would again.”

The edges of
his mouth lift and his eyes soften. His hands rest at the small of my back.

“I love
you,” Dominic affirms.

We stand
together, quite content to simply share this embrace.

Before long,
there’s a knock at the front door and we both know that it’s the delivery of
the mirror.

I instantly stiffen
and instinctively resist allowing anyone into my home. Dominic must sense my
trepidation, holding me closer to him.

“Do you want
to wait in the kitchen?” he asks.

I just nod
my head without saying a word.

“Okay, how
about you make us each a coffee then? I’ll be back in a moment, as soon as they
leave.”

My heart’s
beating so rapidly that I feel like I’m heading straight into a panic attack.

You can do
this, Allyn.

I walk into
the kitchen and flick the switch on my coffee machine. I wait for the light to
turn green, indicating that it’s ready to be used. But all I can think about
are the stranger’s footsteps I hear on the stairs.

“’Scuse me, lady.
Gotta bathroom I can use, please?”

I whirl around
to see a burly older man in a blue uniform standing at the entrance to the
kitchen.

My heart
stops.

My breath
hitches.

Black spots
dance in front of my eyes.

My entire body
is covered in goose bumps.

My stomach
roils and knots.

“You
alright, love? You don’t look so good,” the burly man says and takes a step
toward me, his hand out.

My eyes fall
to his feet as he takes another step closer.

I feel
myself shaking and shivering and my mouth falls open as I gasp for air.

I grab the edge
of the counter and my legs suddenly refuse to hold me. I crumple to the floor.

“Get out!
Get out now!” I hear Dominic yelling at the man.

“I didn’t do
nothing, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” the burly man sputters as he holds both hands
up in surrender and backs out of the kitchen.

“Get out!”
Dominic’s still yelling at the man.

“I’m sorry, lady,”
the man says again and turns to leave.

I hear the
front door shut and quick heavy footsteps as Dominic runs back to me after
locking the door.

“They’re
gone. I’m sorry. One carried the mirror upstairs and I didn’t see the other
one. I’m so sorry, Allyn.” He helps me up from the floor and holds me tight to
his body.

“A-alarm,” I
try to verbalize but the sound is more like an inaudible mumble.

“What do you
need?”

“Alarm, put
it on,” I plead as I look up at Dominic. It takes a moment for him to
understand my meaning.

He lets me
go and takes the few steps to the keypad and punches in my code, immediately returning
to hold me.

“Come on.
Let’s go lie down.” He carefully leads me upstairs and I follow him.

When we
reach my bedroom, I see the mirror standing tall in the corner, but the mirror
part is covered in beige paper so I can’t see my reflection.

Dominic
pulls the covers back and sits me down on the bed. I lie back and he leans down
to take my shoes off, and then slips in beside me.

He reaches his
arm out and I shape my body into his. His hand slides over my hair as I listen
to the steady beat of his heart. Dominic breathes in and exhales. I count his
breaths and synchronize my breathing with his. As his breathing begins to calm,
I begin to release the anxiety I’m holding on to so tightly.

“What
happened?” he asks calmly.

I shut my
eyes and close the tiny gap between our bodies, molding myself against him.
Becoming one with Dominic.

“He asked to
use the bathroom,” I say as my face burns from the embarrassment of melting
down over something as stupid as that.

“Anything
else?”

“No nothing
else. He was very nice; he asked me if I was alright. But the moment he stepped
toward me, my entire body shut down and my brain was frozen in fear.”

Again we’re surrounded
by silence and I notice a change in Dominic’s breathing. It’s becoming more
rapid, forcing my body to comply with the same rhythm.

“You didn’t
tell me what happened with my Dad yesterday.”

“We
understand each other now. He was worried that I would end up hurting you, but
we hashed out a few things and he now knows that I’m not going anywhere.”

I move and
put my leg over Dominic’s thigh.

Dominic
tries to hold in a growl, but I feel it reverberate through his chest and it
makes me giggle.

“I noticed
that you were calling Dad by his first name when you both came back inside.
That’s a pretty big deal for Dad. He usually only allows people to call him Sir
or Mr. Sommers, so you must’ve done something right.”

“He did ask
me why I wasn’t married with children.” My body stiffens, knowing that children
are something that Dominic wants that I can’t give him. “And I told him that my
divorce was close, but I didn’t tell him why. It’s not his business; it’s only
mine, Chelsea’s, and now yours.”

That word
keeps getting to me.
Children.

“How much does
it affect you that I can’t give you what you want?”

“In
reference to what?”

“Children.”

“Allyn, sit
up please.”

We both sit
up in bed and stare into each other’s eyes. I can’t look away from him. He looks
so angry or maybe he’s upset.

“I love you
more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. If I knew you existed in the
universe, I would have been searching for you a long time ago. Yes, I’d love to
have a child, and a baby with you would be absolutely perfect. But I’d rather
know you love me than have a house filled with children.”

“I’m sorry I
can’t give you both,” I say as I cast my gaze downward and nervously play with
the hem of my t-shirt.

“You’ve
given me your heart, and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”

His mouth
engulfs mine and he rubs his palms down my bare arm, encouraging me to relax
and stop dwelling on the negative.

Dominic’s
tongue slowly emerges, cautiously exploring my upper lip before he changes it to
a closed-mouth kiss.

Longingly, I
lean forward trying to join his lips to mine again. I’m rewarded as he pulls me
to him for a scorching kiss. I move my hands to tangle in his hair and grasp at
the back of his head while moving my body to straddle his lap.

“Oh God,”
Dominic rasps against my mouth.

I brush my
lips against Dominic’s warm mouth, tasting him and allowing myself to boldly
explore him. Worshipping the natural line of his mouth with my tongue, I stop
and nibble at his bottom lip before continuing to move across his skin.

“You need to
stop, Allyn.” He grips my hips tightly and holds me in place, contradicting his
words.

Dominic
lolls his head back and his neck is completely exposed to me. There’s a light
cover of stubble across his throat and his Adam’s apple moves as he struggles
to swallow.

I slowly
ghost my fingertips along his jawline to his chin. Dominic’s breath becomes
rapid and his fingers tighten even more on my hips.

I follow the
perfect line from his chin, down his neck to the top of his t-shirt. With a
hand on Dominic’s chest I move over his sternum and rest it over his heart.

“Allyn, your
touch is heaven. But I need for you to stop, please, right now.” He lets go of
my hips and moves me off his lap.

I turn over
and lie down with my back to Dominic and curl up into myself, embarrassed that when
I tried taking it further, he rejected me.

“Sweetheart,
there’s a fever burning deep inside me and I want you so badly.” He turns behind
me and places a hand on my hip, but no other part of his body is touching me.
“But when we do make love, I want it to be because we want to enjoy each
other’s body and soul. I don’t want it to be a coping mechanism every time
either of us faces a trigger.”

Is that what
I was doing?

I almost had
a panic attack, and ended up trying to take our relationship to its ultimate
level.

Fuck, he’s right.
I was trying to use making love to Dominic to overcome a difficult situation.

“I
understand,” I sigh as I turn to look into Dominic’s face.

“I knew you
would.” He gets off the bed and stands with his hand extended to me. I feel my
eyebrows knit together, silently questioning his offered hand. “Let’s go
downstairs and make dinner. And when you’re ready, we’ll uncover that mirror.”

“Not today,”
I say as I look over at the covered mirror. “But one day very soon.”

Soon, I’ll
draw on all my strength to look at myself, and I hope I can keep from hating the
ugly part of me.

“Sweetheart,
for the last ten days you’ve been coming up here, sitting on the bed and just
staring at the mirror. Do you think it may be time to take the paper off it and
move it over to stand next to the window?” Dominic says from behind me as I
continue to stare at it, as if it’s malignant and needs to be removed before
the illness can spread.

“I’m still not
sure,” I sigh and turn my head to look at Dominic standing in the doorway.

“The longer
you leave it, the more difficult the situation will become. You’ve come so far
already, Allyn.  I think it’s best if you remove the paper and face your
reflection. It will show you the most amazing woman I’ve ever known.” His face sports
a wide, encouraging smile.

“What if I
don’t like what I see?”

“Then we’ll
have to work on it.  I want you to do more than like your reflection, I want
you to love it.”

I turn back
to look at the innocent piece of glass and wood, and I can imagine seeing
myself in it.

This is
something that I need to do, and it’s ripping me apart that it’s so hard to
face myself. I’ve built up the dread of seeing my sickening, repulsive body to such
a degree that now I’m at a loss as to how to reconnect with myself.

“We’ll do it
together, after dinner.” I turn back around and silently steel myself to do it.

“Great,
because dinner’s done,” Dominic says happily. “Come on, I’m just about to
serve.” He heads downstairs, leaving me to scowl at the mirror and blame it for
my confused emotions.

“Damn it,” I
yell at the mirror.

Stupid
mirror, standing in the corner, taunting me, daring to me to unveil it and to
finally look at myself.

Stupid
mirror.

Stupid
me.

“Allyn,”
Dominic shouts from downstairs.

“Coming.” I
keep staring at the mirror while I stand slowly from my bed, my eyes focused on
the damn thing. A small wave of courage begins to wash over me.

I can do
this.

I’ve
overcome so much, and this is just another hurdle for me to tackle.

Screw it.

A meager obstacle.

I straighten
my back and turn away from it, letting it cause no further disruption to my
life. I won’t let it rule me.

Ten days
I’ve watched it with dread, and finally I’ve found my peace with it.

I’m excited
as I walk down the stairs with a spring in my step, going to Dominic. He’s standing
in front of the stove, wearing oven mitts, taking a dish out of the oven.

I go
straight to him, and when he places the dish on the kitchen counter, I don’t
think twice about taking his mouth in a kiss.

“After our
meal, that beige paper is garbage.” I say before returning to our kiss. “Can I
help with dinner?”

“Already
done, you just need to sit and enjoy.” Dominic juts his chin for me to go sit
at the kitchen table.

“What are we
having?”

“Pot roast,
and homemade lemonade.”

Instantly
I’m reminded of his last attempt at lemonade, and it must show on my face because
he stares at me with a bemused look. “I remembered the sugar this time. You don’t
need to screw your nose up like that,” he teases, chuckling.

I giggle at
his playfulness. Dominic places a bowl in front of me and takes a carafe of
lemonade out of the fridge. He carefully pours tall glasses for both of us.

“Thank you,”
I say. “This all looks delicious.” I bring the glass to my lips and take a
small sip of lemonade. “It’s zesty and flavorful, with just the right amount of
sugar.”

Dominic
expels a huge breath and smiles as he tastes his lemonade. “Ummm, it really is
quite good,” he says admiring his own work.

Dominic sits
down and we both start dinner in happy, high spirits.

“Are you
ready to meet my family on Sunday?”

“I am,
actually. But I’m more excited to share your birthday with you.”

“Ugh, don’t
remind me of that.” He smiles at me merrily and takes another bite of his
dinner.

“Hmmm,
thirty-nine, what can I possibly give you?”

“There’s
nothing that I want but you.”

A small grin
curls my mouth, but I remain quiet as we continue with our tasty dinner.

“It’s time
to take the paper off,” Dominic urges quietly as I stand in front of the mirror.
He’s standing behind me.

With shaky hands,
I peel off the little bit of tape at the top right corner that’s securing the
beige paper to the wooden frame.

My breathing
is accelerated and those pesky butterflies are fluttering around inside my stomach,
trying to burst through.

I can feel
myself chewing on the inside of my cheek as I argue with myself about removing
the paper.

Throwing it
away once and for all.

Removing the
beige from my life.

Dominic
slides his hand onto my hip.

“Do you know
just how beautiful you are?”

“I’m scarred,
Dominic.”

“I love your
smile.” He drags his mouth across the junction of my shoulder and neck.

“My lips are
thin.”

“I adore
your expressive, stormy eyes.” He moves his mouth a little further up my neck.

“My left eye
droops and I can’t see properly out of it.”

Dominic’s
hand moves around to my abdomen and he spreads his fingers wide as he pulls me against
his powerful chest.

“Every time
you kiss me, I know I’ve been blessed.” His lips linger just below my ear, not
touching me. His warm breath is like an electrical current, zapping my skin and
causing instant embers of lust to glow with intensity.

“I’m seeing
more and more color because of you,” I sigh as my head rests against Dominic’s
chest.

“Rip away
the beige and look at the perfect woman who stands before me.”

I open my
eyes and reach up to the tape. Without hesitation I rip it in one fluid down
motion, taking a third of the paper off.

I catch a
glimpse of the broken girl doing the same thing I am. I stop momentarily to
look at her.

“Don’t stop,
Allyn, tear the rest of it off,” Dominic encourages me.

I close my
eyes, take a deep breath, and with Dominic standing behind me, snap my eyes
open and shred the fucking beige.

Dominic
moves the paper out of the way. I stand in front of the mirror, studying the
pale, sad girl looking back at me.

Everything else
in the room dissolves into nothingness as I look at the girl with strawberry
blonde hair.

It feels
like my heart stops beating. The blood in my veins turns icy.

“I didn’t
realize just how vile I actually am.” I reach up to touch my lips as I look at the
reflection of my broken eye.

“I see
beauty there.” Dominic’s hand snakes around to rest over my heart. “And courage
here.” He pets my hair with his free hand. “Strength radiates off you, Allyn.”
His lips meet my cheek and I continue to stare at me.

“I’ve not
seen myself properly for so many years that now I’m appalled by how I look.”

“You see a
woman scarred, I see the woman I love.”

I turn my
head to look at Dominic. “How can you say you love me? I’m nowhere near attractive.”

“Because
your body might be scarred, your soul may be broken, but I see the brilliant
light that comes from deep inside you. Don’t you see it? It’s not about me
loving you, but about you loving me. You’ve brought me back to life, Allyn. You’ve
given me breath when I thought I was never going to find that spark again. And
I found it, with you.”

I turn my
body so I’m facing Dominic.

He shakes
his head and gently turns me back around.

“You need to
face yourself, Allyn. You need to see the amazing woman that I see.”

Dominic
steps out of the reflection. Maybe he’s gone downstairs; maybe he’s waiting in
the hall outside my bedroom. I don’t know. All I know is I’m alone now with my
reflection.

My eyes find
my reflection again in the mirror. The monsters in my head laugh at me. They’re
telling me how ugly I am.

They yell at
me, screaming in their angriest voices just how vulgar and disgusting I am. Telling
me how they see me, how the world perceives me.
How I look at myself.

My shoulders
are slumped down and my head is slightly lowered. I look defeated, with no
pride in myself. My face is so,
worn.
So used and crushed, with my
droopy eye and the scars that my eyes automatically draw to. I lift my hair and
tilt my head looking at where the top of my right ear has been bitten off.

I look
mutilated.

“You’re
shockingly marked,” they shout at me. “No one could want you,” they taunt me.
“Your body is ugly. Look at your throat.”

I tilt my
head and look at the knife mark that runs along my throat. I lift my hand and
slowly run my fingertips down the length of the scar. The angry, red mark feels
bumpy from start to finish, but it’s so soft.

“Why are you
so mad at me?” I ask the woman looking at me, talking to the monsters she’s
brought with her. “I didn’t choose this. I didn’t ask to be taken, or knifed,
or raped. So why do you look at me with so much hate?”

The woman
says nothing in return. I hear the monsters chuckle.

“Why are you
so angry? You can’t look at me without hellfire burning from your eyes.
They
did this;
they
took me and hurt me. I didn’t volunteer to be brutalized
and debased,
they
did it.” I point out the door.

“It’s not on
me!” I yell as my hand beats against my chest. “It’s on
them
!” I scream
at the woman in the mirror. “Don’t hate me because of what
they
did to
me.”

But the eyes
of the woman looking back at me are filled with pity behind the anger.

“
They
did it. Not me,” I whisper to her. A tear rolls down her face and she swipes at
it with her fingertips, but her sad eyes remain glued to mine.

I know she’s
trying to tell me something, but I can’t understand her yet.

“Tell me,” I
say as sit on the floor. The woman in the mirror does, too.

“I need to know
why you hate me so much.”

She
continues to gaze at me with the sorrow that covers her entire being. It breaks
my heart.

“Please, I
need to understand why you resent me so. Have I taken something for granted and
not realized it? Have I betrayed you in some way?”

She doesn’t
falter; she doesn’t move. She simply looks utterly lost.

I bury my
face into my hands and try to breathe through the pain.

I look back
at the woman and bring my legs up to hug my knees. She copies me, wrapping her
arms around her legs, too. I lean my chin onto my knees and stare at my fragmented
doppelganger.

“My life isn’t
worth living if you can’t explain why you hold so much venom toward me. I need
to know why, in order to go on.” I look away from her tortured eyes.

“I do resent
you,” she responds in a quiet, almost inaudible voice.

My eyes fly
to hers and we’re locked in a staring match.

“
Why
do you resent me?” I ask with sheer desperation soaking my voice. But she
continues to look at me with nothing more than the same grief she’s held ever
since the paper came off the mirror.

She remains
quiet.

I close my
eyes and let my head rest onto my knees.

“I resent
you because you choose to stay broken,” she says a little louder. I don’t dare
lift my head or she’ll stop talking again. “You fought so hard to stay alive
when it happened, but now you fight equally hard
not
to live. And I
resent you for stopping us from living.”

Is that
what I’m doing?