A Life Less Broken (9 page)

“Shut
that cunt up, will ya, Mick.”

It hurts.
Stop. It hurts. No more. Stop. You’re hurting me.

Help!

My head’s
under water and I’m being pulled further and further into the black, dark void.
Sinking and falling, suffocating as I try and claw my way out of a sinister, demon-filled
tunnel.

My eyes fly
open and I take in a huge gulp of air.

My heart’s
beating at a dangerously rapid rate.

My eyes are
blurry from the tears caused by this petrifying nightmare.

Those
gruesome moments replay vividly in my mind, like I’ve only just survived them.
The torment continues for hours, days,
years
.

Sitting up
in bed, I stare at the barren shadows dancing all around me.

I draw my
knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Biting down on the flesh of my
knee, I try and hold on to whatever part of me is still alive.

But I can’t fight
the fear.

Those evil monsters
under my bed will always be there.

Their
bloodcurdling voices inside my head scream that I can’t escape; I can’t be
saved.

Why do I try
to fight them?

The phone
beside my bed taunts me, encouraging me to call Dominic and talk to him. To let
him know that right now, I’m not in a good place.

I know
I’m not okay.

But what if
I could escape, get away from the monsters and their nightmares?

I wonder if
I can fly, like the blue jay.

If I stretch
my arms like the blue jay stretches its wings, and leap from my window, will my
arms save me and let me fly away?

Will the blue
jay soar beside me and guide me to another universe?

Would flying
end my sorrow and finally allow me happiness?

If that were
true, even for a moment, I’m willing to take the risk and let my body release
its suffering.

I allow my
mind a vision of freedom. Maybe I’ll be fortunate enough to finally get relief
from all the misery haunting me.

Finally,
after three hard years, I’m making the decision to free myself from the horror
of my past.

I pick up my
phone, resolved to say goodbye to those who matter. To tell them that I’ve
found my independence and I’m going somewhere I’ll no longer hurt.

I dial
Dominic first.

“Allyn,” he
answers on the fifth ring. His voice is scratchy, thick with the sleep from
which I’ve woken him. “Are you alright?”

“I’m better
than alright, Dominic. I know what I need to do to overcome them and what they
did to me. And I just want you to know that I’m fine now. You won’t need to
come here again.”

“What have
you done?” His tone lowers and becomes more intense, with no trace of sleep.

“I haven’t
done anything,” I say in a happy tone. “I’m going to fly away tonight. The blue
jay will show me the way.”

“Allyn, I’d
really like to say a proper goodbye to you. I’m getting into my car to come to
your house. Can you make me a coffee, please? I really would love to have one
last latte made by the best barista I know.”

I hear the
beep of his key fob, and then his car starts.

“I can do
that for you, but I’m really anxious to see what my next home looks like. So
can you hurry up please? You know I’ll really miss you, Dominic. But I’m sure my
new home will be perfect for me.”

“Aren’t you
seeing Faith in a few hours? You don’t want to miss out on that, do you?”

I get out of
bed and turn on the light, finding my jeans and a sweater to wear.

“I’d love to
see Faith, but I think she’ll be happy that I’m happy. She’ll understand.”

“And your
parents, have you called them yet?”

“No, not yet.
I was going to call Mom and Dad after I talked to you.”

Finally,
after almost three years, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from off
my chest. I’m able to breathe more easily now, knowing the blue jay will lead
me.

“What did
you have for dinner tonight?”

Dinner? He’s
asking about food? How peculiar, but then, he’s a little strange on his best
days.

“I had
grilled cheese tonight, nothing too fancy. What did you have?” I ask as I go
downstairs and start the coffee machine.

“I went out
to dinner with my brother, Oscar. We went to this small Italian place in town.
It’s run by a Nonna who makes the most delicious lasagna I’ve ever eaten. Her
garlic bread is really good, too. I was thinking I could take you there one
night. It’s very small and quaint and I think you’d like it.”

The thought
of leaving this house is no longer an issue for me. How can it be? Once Dominic
and I have our coffee and I call my parents, I’m going to leave with the blue
jay guiding me.

“Maybe, if I
ever come back from Utopia.”

 “When do
you think you’ll come back, Allyn?”

“If Utopia
is as blissful as it promises to be, maybe I’ll stay there forever.”

“Can you
open the door for me?”

There’s a
knock at my door and I know that it’s Dominic. I joyfully skip to the entrance
and switch the porch light on. Looking through the peep hole I see Dominic
standing on the other side of the screen door. I hang up from him and lay the
phone on hallway table.

I turn off the
alarm and open the heavy wooden door. Dominic looks simply magnificent in his
black jeans and tight, deep gray t-shirt. I unlock the screen door and step
aside, waiting for him to come in.

“I’ve just
fired up the coffee machine, I’ll go make us a coffee,” I say as he steps
through. I lock the doors and turn the alarm back on.

“Oh there’s
no rush. Just make me the best cup of coffee you can, seeing as I’ll have to
wait to get another one from you for who knows how long.” Dominic goes to the
kitchen and sits in his chair.

I go to the
coffee machine and start making our drinks.

“I think
this will do me a world of good, Dominic,” I say brightly, smiling over at him.

“I can see
how carefree you are right now with just the anticipation of leaving, so maybe it’s
something you need to do.”

“Really?” I ask
as I turn around and look at him. “You really think it’ll be good for me?”

“Sure, but
first I’d just like to talk a little about why you’re so keen to leave.”

I bring his
latte over to him and turn back to make one for me too.

“Mmm, this
is a damn good coffee, Allyn. You’ve outdone yourself with this one.”

I feel a
sense of pride that I’ve made Dominic happy.

I’ll never
be able to make him happy in any other way.

I take my
latte over and sit in the beige seat I always sit in and take a sip of my
coffee.

He’s right; it’s
the best I’ve made.

“What made
you decide to find Utopia?” he asks as he picks his coffee up and takes another
sip.

“I had
another nightmare, and when I woke up I finally realized that this is not the life
I’m supposed to be living. So much of me died that day, that now there’s
nothing but ugliness left behind,” I say matter-of-factly. “I was supposed to
move on to the next life, but I didn’t.”

“What was
the dream about?”

“Oh, the same
one I always have.
He
tells Mick to ‘shut that cunt up’ and keeps
brutalizing me as though I’m nothing, not a person, not human at all, like I
don’t have a heart or blood that pumps through my veins.” I pick a spot on the
table and just focus on it. I really don’t want to relive the nightmare any
more.

“And when
you woke up what happened?”

“I decided
that I’m going to fly away. My friend the blue jay will show me how. I have his
feather here, look.” I reach into my pocket but the feather’s not there. Shit,
I must have forgotten it next to my bed. “Hang on, it’s upstairs.” I jump up
and run to get my feather.

A wave of
sorrow hits me as my fingers touch the near-weightless feather that sits on the
bedside table.

I’m not sure
how long I stand holding the indigo quill, fascinated by it.

It must be a
while, because Dominic comes into my room.

I don’t see
him.
I feel him.

The warmth
of his body beckons to me.

Without
saying a word, he steps behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

Tears streak
my face and my breathing becomes shallower with each breath I take.

“Allyn,” his
deep baritone tone pleads with me, but I shake my head. I’m not ready to turn around
and face him.

“I’m right
here. I won’t leave you,” he says in a low, confident voice.

“I just want
it to end,” I whisper through tears, my voice warbling.

“It’s not
going to end. We just have to find a way for you to manage it. To dream
beautiful dreams and have sun-filled days, not to let bleak twilight nightmares
torment you.”

Letting the
feather float to the floor, I bring both hands up to cover my face in
frustration and embarrassment.

“What can I
do?” I ask Dominic as I turn around and finally look at him.

“For now,
you’ll go back to bed, and I’m going to sleep on that chair over there.” He
points to the same chair he slept in when I was sick. “When you wake up, you’ll
introduce me to your best friend, Faith.” He moves toward my bed and
straightens the covers. “And Monday, you and I together will go back to where
you were found.”

A chill runs
the length of my body. My shoulders stiffen and my stomach contracts at just
the thought that I’ll be stepping outside.  I can’t even acknowledge that he
wants to take me to where that couple found me, where I should have died,
but
lived.

I
continuously shake my head without saying a word.

“This is the
step you need to take to give you the ability to escape, Allyn.”

Dominic
stands tall before me, his intense eyes breaking through the barriers that I’ve
erected around me. His solemn look is not demeaning or pitying, but one of concern,
nurturing. He wants to help me, wants me to trust him, and I do.

Unconditionally.

But going
back to the place where I was dumped and left to die will surely push me over
the edge.  Can’t he see that?

Maybe that’s
exactly what I need.

To face the
past so I can overcome my brokenness.

But…

Can I?

Opening my
eyes, the first thing I see is the chair that Dominic slept in.

But he’s not
there.

A folded
blanket and a pillow have replaced the man that should be there.

I snuggle further
into my blankets, knowing that he’s around here somewhere. He won’t be far away;
he never is.

“Are you
still sleeping or are you pretending to be? Either is fine with me, ‘cause if
you’re sleeping I get to eat your breakfast,” Dominic says as he comes through
the door.

I turn my
head to see he’s carrying my grandmother’s silver tray with a plate and a cup
on it.

“What’s
this?” I ask as I sit up in bed and lean against the headboard.

“Don’t get
overly excited, it’s just toast with honey and a cup of tea. I couldn’t figure
out how to use that machine of yours so I found tea bags instead.” He takes the
few steps and places the tray on my lap.

“Thank you
so much. I’ve never had anyone make me breakfast and bring it to me in bed.” I lift
the teacup and take a sip.

Weak, too
weak.
But I don’t
want to hurt his feelings either, so I drink it.

“Faith is
due here in two hours. I’d like to duck home to get a shower and change, then
come back. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah sure,”
I say between bites of my toast.

“Would you
like to come home with me?”

I stop
chewing and look at Dominic who’s now sitting in his chair. A little wave of
fear flares up.

“No, I don’t
think I can.”

“Tomorrow,
we go to the pond where you were found, though, remember?  That’s important.”

“I know.” I
don’t want to go, but I know I need to see for myself that the place where I was
found isn’t evil. It won’t hurt me; it was simply the place I was dumped. I
can’t blame the geography for the circumstances. It’s as silly as me hating my favorite
author because they killed a main character in their latest book.

It’s just
the way it is.

“I know,” I
confirm again. “I know,” I say one last time but more for my own benefit than Dominic’s.

“When you
finish breakfast, do you want to come downstairs and lock the door behind me?”

I place the tray
on my bedside table and get up out of bed. “I’ll do it now, it’ll give you more
time and you won’t need to rush.”

Dominic
follows behind me down the stairs, and I open the door to let him out.

“I’ll be
back before Faith arrives,” he says as he steps out on to the porch.

“Dominic,
thank you.”

“You don’t
need to thank me; it really is my pleasure.” He takes a step closer to me but
stops himself from closing the distance between us. He shakes his head and runs
his hand through his hair before silently turning and leaving.

I close and
lock the screen door before he reaches his car. Dominic hesitates and looks
back toward my home before pulling out onto the street, and I can’t turn from
watching him drive away until he’s out of sight.

The doorbell
rings and I fly down stairs knowing it’s either Dominic or Faith.

Dominic’s
not back yet, but that’s okay because the last two hours I’ve spent tidying up
and getting myself ready to see Faith.

The first
time she saw me after the attack, she cried. She cried for me, for what I lost,
and for what I endured when those beasts brutalized me.

I don’t want
her to cry like that for me again, because I don’t want to remember any more
than I already do.

No, today is
a happy day, a day where the angry, dark clouds are not allowed to show
themselves.

I want just
the soft, fluffy white pillows and wonderful, cobalt blue jays today.

Looking
through the peep-hole, I see Dominic’s standing there holding a bunch of bright,
colorful flowers. I turn the alarm off and open the door and can’t help
breaking out in a broad smile.

I unlock the
mesh door, pushing it open for Dominic to come inside.

“For you,”
he says as he hands me the bouquet. I bring them up to my nose and the gentle
aroma drifts up before I even get to smell them.

“Thank you
so much,” I say as I close the door behind him and lock the screen and wood doors
and reset the alarm. “They’re just perfect.”

“I didn’t
know your favorite flower, so I got what I thought you’d like.”

We walk into
the kitchen and I get out a crystal vase and fill it halfway with water and begin
to arrange the flowers in it.

“They really
are beautiful, Dominic.”

“Allyn, what
do you want to get from today?” Dominic asks.

“I just want
to see Faith and see how she’s doing,” I answer as I’m arranging the subtly
scented flowers.

“Is that
all?”

“I know that
it’s time for me to start healing. I’m not sure I’ll ever be like I was before,
but I need to stop feeling so dead inside. I need to
feel
, and I can’t
do that if I lock myself away from the world. I’m lonely, and I miss Faith. I’m
tired of feeling so ashamed and afraid.  I’m tired of hating myself.” I walk
over to where Dominic is and place the vase in the center of the table. Sitting
down opposite him, I look at him and try to imagine a world where I’m not restricted
to my hidey-hole.

“To start, I
need to learn to live without fear and shame.” I rest my elbows on the table, close
my eyes, and lean my head on my arms.

“Together, we
can mend your broken life so you can breathe again.” He squats down beside me
and gently puts his hand on my back.

I turn my
head and open my eyes to see Dominic looking at me with a smile. “I mean it,
Allyn. Soon you’ll be able to breathe freely.” He moves the back of his hand to
stroke my cheek, and in anticipation, I lean into his touch as his warm hand
makes contact.

Dominic
pulls away and averts his gaze as he stands and clears his throat.
I’ve done
it again.

“I know,” I
say trying to minimize the embarrassment of stupidly misinterpreting the signs of
affection I think I see. He doesn’t want me.  I’m not ready to fully face that.
I may never be. I manufactured that fantasy to bolster my hope. I’m fooling
myself.

The doorbell
rings and I leap up to answer it.  I have to set all the bullshit aside until
later. For now, it’s about rebuilding my relationship with Faith,
not
whatever is happening between Dominic and me.

I walk to
the door and take another deep, cleansing breath. Dominic stands beside me and
gives me an encouraging smile. “You can do this, and I’ll be right here.”

I turn the
alarm off and open the first door. I’m struck by Faith’s beauty. Her long, dark
hair is loose, longer than I remember, and her big, brown eyes are smiling at
me with so much love. I can’t get the damn screen door open fast enough, I’m so
eager to get her inside and just hug her.

She’s excitedly
bouncing on the porch. My hands fumble with the lock and I can’t seem to make
them work.

“Let me,”
Dominic says as he moves my hands away, reassuring me with his calm demeanor and
sweet smile.

I step back,
and Dominic easily opens the door. Faith doesn’t wait for it to open all the
way before she flings it open and runs in, grabs me in a tight hug, and doesn’t
let me go.

My happiness
is overwhelming. Tears freely fall and I hold on to Faith as if she’s going to
disappear the moment I let her go.

“I missed
you so much, Ally,” Faith says. She always called me Ally; that was her
nickname for me.

“I missed
you too.”

We stand in
the doorway, holding onto each other for an indeterminate amount of time. It’s
Dominic’s deep voice that brings us back to reality. “I’m making fake coffee,
ladies. Would you like one?”

I look over
at him and roll my eyes.

“Are you
Ally’s new doctor?” Faith asks as she hooks her arm around my waist and we walk
toward the kitchen.

“I certainly
am. Dominic Shriver, pleased to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Faith but
she lets go of me and gives him a hug.

“You got her
to call me, and for that, I owe you more than a handshake.”

“She did it
all herself,” he says as he awkwardly pats her back and pulls away.

“I’ll make
us a real coffee.” I walk over to my coffee machine and switch it on. “What
have you been doing, Faith?”

“Oh, where
to start? First, I’m working for a lawyer’s office downtown as their
receptionist. I started dating a really nice guy, Michael Greene. We’ve been
together for eighteen months now. He’s a cop and he’s always at work. He asked
me to move in last week, but I’m not too sure about that yet. I mean I like
coming and going when I want.”

“I’m so
happy for you, Faith. It seems like things have been good for you.”

“Oh, they
have been. And even better now that my best friend is back in the picture.
Maybe Michael and I can come over one night for dinner. I’d love for you to
meet him.”

I swing
around and search for Dominic. He’s sitting at the table, quietly leaving Faith
and I to talk. But I can’t say yes to Faith’s request.

Dominic rises
and comes to stand beside me. He takes the coffee cup I’m holding in a suddenly
trembling hand and puts it on the counter.

“Are the
coffees ready?”

I shake my
head to him.

“Do you need
the milk?”

Again I
shake my head. Faith is looking at me curiously, trying to figure out what’s
wrong.

I can’t have
her boyfriend here. I’m not ready to allow another man in my own private space.
Especially a man I don’t know.

What if he’s
bad and just wants to hurt me?

My entire
body starts to shake and I can feel the sweat coating my palms.

“Look at me,
Allyn.”

I look up
into his calm brown eyes searching my own.

“This is
about you and Faith. Not anyone else.”

I nod
listening to Dominic’s words.

“This is
your home. You can control who comes here.” Dominic’s tone lowers and he lays his
hands on my shoulders. “Your home,” he says again.

“Okay, this
is my home.” I take a deep breath and keep my eyes glued to his. “I’m safe
here.”

“You’re
safe.”

“I’m safe,”
I say again.

“You
alright?” he asks me as he continues looking at me.

I find
myself less nervous and anxious with Dominic standing in front of me. I nod
again.

“I’m
alright. Thank you.” I turn to Faith and smile, “I’m sorry about that. But I
can’t have Michael here. I’m not ready for that.”

“I’m sorry,
Ally, I didn’t even think before I said anything.”

“I have
certain triggers. It’s not your fault, Faith. How were you supposed to know?”

Dominic
takes his coffee and moves off to the side to allow Faith and me to talk.

The next
four hours are spent just talking with my best friend, catching up on what’s
been happening during the last three years. Dominic doesn’t really talk much, but
he does add some comments to our discussions with his odd sense of humor,
making both Faith and me laugh.

When Faith
leaves, I lock the doors and look over at Dominic who’s sitting in the family
room flicking through his tablet.

“How are you
feeling?” he asks without making eye contact.

“It started
out a little difficult, but I’m so happy she came over. I’ve really missed
her.”

“You did
really well.”

I slowly
make my way into the family room and sit on the end of the sofa opposite
Dominic.

“I don’t
know how well I’m going to do tomorrow,” I admit. Truthfully, I’m terrified.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take those steps out my front door.

“I won’t let
you fall, Allyn.”

I’m not so
much afraid of falling myself, but I’m petrified that I’ll drag Dominic down with
me as he’s trying to save me.