A Life Less Broken (10 page)

By 9 p.m.,
I’m terrified.

All day I’ve
been trying to control my fears about tomorrow so I don’t alarm Dominic, but
now I can’t ignore them any longer.

I’m pacing
nervously. My body is trembling, my heart is racing, and sweat pours off me.

I’m
absolutely shitting myself at the thought of going back
there
, of
returning to where I was found.

But I also
know that if I can do that, that I’ll be okay. With Dominic by my side, this
should be easier to handle.

“You haven’t
sat still since dinner,” Dominic says gently, leaning back into the sofa with
his arm braced along the back.

“I’m really
scared,” I answer as honestly as I can.

“What is it
you’re frightened about?”

I stop
pacing and can feel my eyebrows knit together as I consider his question.

“Everything.
What if I remember more when we get there? What if it sends me backwards? What
if it does nothing for me? The only thing I know for sure is that I’m beyond frightened
and nervous.”

“Those are normal
things to be feeling. It’s a scary thing, what we’re going to do. But I think
it will help you move on.”

I comb my
fingers through my hair and pull on the roots, just to feel something other than
sheer terror.

“Fuck!” I
yell out in frustration then start pacing again.

“Don’t do
that, Allyn. Making yourself hurt is not the answer.” He stands to come toward
me, and when he reaches me he gently cups my shoulders and leans down to look in
my eyes. “You have so much inner strength, and you’re blind to it. Your courage
simply amazes me.”

“You think
I’m courageous?” I ask, baffled. How can he think I’m that strong?

He runs his
hands slowly down my arms.

“The bravest
person I know.”

I lower my
gaze and take a small step closer to him.

“How? I’m
hideous, I cry...”

His hands go
to my waist and mine instinctively rest on his biceps.

He feels so
right.

So warm.

I can see
his chest rising and falling quickly.

He smells so
nice,
so manly
.

“Your mind
is beautiful, your soul is exquisite, and you’re simply remarkable.”

A tear rolls
down my cheek. I don’t lift my head to look into his eyes, because I’m afraid of
what I might see.

Dominic
pulls me against his body and wraps his arms around me as I lay my head on his
chest.

I can hear
the rapid thump of his heart as it beats to a quickened pace.

Much like my
own.

His hands
don’t move beyond the small of my back. I hold on to him tightly, not wanting
to let him go.

Dominic
moves his head so his face is buried in my hair and I hear him take a deep
breath.

“Mmm,” he
lets out a small, husky moan.

With my eyes
closed, lost in this intimate moment, I turn my head and brush my lips against
his chest. It’s a moment of weakness, a moment I wish could go on forever,
although in my head, I know it shouldn’t happen at all.

“Allyn,” he
breathlessly pants my name.

“Yeah,” I
answer dreamily.

“My god,
um…” He stops talking. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” He clears his
throat and releases me from his warm hold. But I don’t want him to let me go.

“I’m sorry. I
did it again didn’t I?” I step back and look up at his beautiful face.
Dominic’s eyes are soft and filled with an emotion I’ve only seen once before.
Lust.

“Please
don’t apologize. It’s me that needs to step back and give you room to heal.”

What?

It’s only because
of him that I’m healing, finally starting to move forward. But I understand.
He’s just my doctor, and no matter how much more I want him to be, that’s all
he is.

“I need to
get ready for bed.”

“I’m
sleeping here tonight, Allyn. You’ve got a guest room upstairs, and there’s a
bed in it, so I’m staying.”

“Why?” I ask
as I step away and lean against the back of the sofa.

“Because
tomorrow morning, you’ll need me.”

Dominic has
stayed with me twice before, and right from the start it’s always felt right.
I’ve never thought of him as intruding or trying to encroach on my space.

He’s
perfect, just as he is.

“I’m going
to bed then. Good night,” I say as I move around to check all the doors,
windows, and the security system.

“Good
night.”

I go
upstairs and after a quick shower, I fall into bed, exhausted from the day.

But my mind
doesn’t switch off.

Tomorrow,
I’m going to face one of my colossal fears. Two of them, actually. I’m going to
leave my house for the first time in nearly three years. And I’m going back to my
own personal ground zero.

I toss and turn,
willing my mind to stop thinking. But it keeps going, full steam ahead.

The seconds
tick past.

I get up and
start pacing quietly around my room.

The moments
blend into each other, unnoticed.

I try to calm
my mind by looking out my window at the moonless, dark night.

Nothing is
working; nothing can ease my dread.

“Allyn,”
Dominic says quietly from the other side of the door.

“Come in,” I
call.

He opens the
door and is standing in sleep pants and a t-shirt. He must have brought clothes
with him. His hair is ruffled and he looks tired.

“Did I wake
you? I’m sorry,” I say to him.

“You didn’t
wake me. I couldn’t sleep. And I heard you walking around. You need to get some
sleep.”

I look out
at the blackened night sky and remain silent.

“Allyn,
what’s happening?”

His
footsteps come closer, stopping just behind me. I close my eyes, secretly
willing him to fold me in his arms.

I
desperately want him to reassure me that I’ll be okay.

I need his
warmth now, stronger than any need I’ve ever known before. I want his intensity
to take me over and never let me go.

“Dominic,” I
whisper, knowing he’ll hear me.

“What can I
do for you?” I feel him standing right behind me.

“I need to
feel something more than the pain.”

His hand
rests on my hip. I place my hand over his and mesh our fingers together.

So good.

His other hand
moves across my belly, resting over my navel.

He takes a
step toward me, and I can feel his entire front pressed snugly against my back.
As I lean my head back on his chest, Dominic leans his forehead down against
me.

Perfection.

We stand, exquisitely
tangled, as the night moves on.

“I need
sleep, but I don’t want to be alone,” I say in a soft voice.

“I’ll sleep
on the chair.”

“Dominic,” I
begin as I turn in his arms, “Could you please let me try sleeping with you in
my bed?”

Dominic
closes his eyes and pain flickers across his face. “Come on, sweetheart.” He
leads me over to the bed, slides in, and opens his arms for me. Slowly, with a
racing heart, I follow him to lie in the space he’s made for me.

He closes
his arms around me and we lie facing each other, chest to chest.

I snuggle
closer and he tightens his protective circle around me.

My mouth is
at the base of his throat and I can’t help but press the smallest, lightest
kiss to his smooth neck.

“Allyn,” he
says in a strangled voice.

I don’t say
anything, I imagine that he must be feeling the same as I am, or he wouldn’t be
in my bed with me right now. It’s a lovely fantasy.

Moments pass
as we lie together.

“I wasn’t
very sexually active before I was raped,” I approach the subject because soon
I’ll have to tell him. I had only had sex with one person before
that
day.

“It doesn’t
matter what you did before, it only matters who you are now.”

Dominic strokes
a hand over my hair.

“You need to
know.” I move back to look up at him.

“No I don’t,
Allyn. The woman lying in my arms is the only person I care for, not any past
version of her.”

“One day
though–“ Dominic cuts me off.

“We’ll talk
about it then, but for now I want you just the way you are, here in my arms.”
He leans down and presses a tender kiss on my forehead, and against my skin, he
whispers, “Goodnight, Allyn.”

“Thank you.”

I close my
eyes and calm fills me as I drift off to sleep.

Dominic

I wake with
Allyn’s leg draped over my hip, her arm over my waist and her groin dangerously
close to my morning wood.

Damn it to
hell and beyond.

My erection
isn’t going to go down with Allyn’s body so close to me. I try to get out of
bed, but Allyn emits a cute moan and moves closer to me.

Fuck.

As much as I
want her – and I do – I know I can’t have her.

Yet.

Today is
going to be very difficult for her, and she needs me with her as her doctor,
not as the horny guy thinking about all the things I want to do with her.

“Hey,” she
says as she moves her leg away, but nuzzles in closer to me.

Damn it
cock, go down!
I
mentally yell at myself.

The way
Allyn is lying, she can undoubtedly feel my erection against her leg. God, she
feels so good. She moves her leg just a little and I close my eyes for a split
second, imagining it’s her soft, small hand touching my cock. Maybe she would even
grip it tight and slide her hand up and down as her tongue licks the slit,
collecting the pre-cum beading at the tip.

Fuck, she feels
so good.

“Dominic,”
she says, startling me out of my damn fantasy.

 “Yeah.” I
reach under the covers and pinch my stomach, focusing on the pain there and not
on my hard cock.

“Thank you
for last night. I needed that.” She leans up and kisses my cheek, then leaves the
bed.

“You’re
welcome.” They aren’t the words I want to say to her. I want to say, ‘Damn it,
Allyn. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long, to kiss you and make love to you.’
But I can’t tell her those things, because she’s not ready to hear them.

She leaves
the room and heads downstairs, I assume to make us coffee. And I will my cock
into submission.

“Are you
ready?” I ask Allyn as she nervously paces in the foyer.

“I don’t
think I can ever be ready for this, Dominic.”

“You
can
do this. Just take one step.” I hold the screen door open for her as she attempts
to step outside, but she quickly retracts her foot.

“I can’t,”
she says in frustration. She’s deathly pale, and I can see her hands tremble as
she wrings them together.

“Tell me
about Mr. Boss. What color is he?” I ask her. I can see that the mention of the
horse she rode for her tenth birthday, the one her mother said she was too
small to climb up, instantly distracts her.

“He’s dark
brown, but his ears are black,” she says as she stands just inside the opened
doors looking out across the street.

“Would you
ever want to ride him again?”

Her eyes
sparkle and her lips turn up at the corners as thoughts of Mr. Boss replace her
fear.

“Oh yes, I’d
love to ride again,” she says as she steps toward the threshold.

I reach for
her hand and she takes mine without even thinking.

“How about
one day I take you? I’d love to meet Mr. Boss.” I close the door behind her and
take the keys from her clenched hand to lock the house.

“You want to
come riding with me?” We take the two steps down off her porch.

“Of course,
Allyn. I’d love to do a lot of things with you.” We start walking toward my
car.

“I’m
outside, Dominic. And I’m alright, you don’t have to keep distracting me,” she
says in astonishment as we reach my car.

I open her
door and wait until she’s inside and has her seat belt on before closing it and
jogging around to my side.

When I get
in, I look at Allyn who’s pursing her lips together and trying hard not to lose
control. Her hands are still wringing together, her eyebrows are furrowed tight,
and her eyes are narrowed to small slits. She’s holding on with everything
she’s got, and I’m afraid it’ll only be a matter of time before she loses her
grip and completely crumbles.

But I want –
no, need – to be the one who wipes her tears, who holds her hand, and who sees
her through it.

No one else,
just me.

I take her
hand in mine and entangle our fingers as we drive to the pond where she was
found.

We arrive
twenty minutes later.

There are no
other cars in the parking lot, so I assume we’re the only ones here.

Allyn’s
fingers tighten around mine and I can feel her hand has become clammy. She must
be struggling so hard. A wave of pride swells inside me at the courage she’s
showing.

Her
breathing is rapid and she’s chewing on her bottom lip with so much force I’m
afraid she’s going to draw blood.

“Are you
alright?”

She simply
nods without saying a word or letting go of my hand.

I sit in the
car patiently, waiting to get my lead from her. Allyn’s wearing a gray, long-sleeved
pullover falling slightly off one shoulder, exposing her perfect, broken skin. I
let go of her hand, get out of the car and walk around to her side, opening the
door as I extend my hand to her.

Allyn looks
at my hand and tears well up in her stormy gray eyes. She’s not coping well with
this, but I can’t let her slide back into her broken life.

She means
too much to me to let her slip away.

“Allyn, you
can do this,” I say in a low, gentle voice.

“I can,
can’t I?” She looks to me for approval. The fear is clearly visible in her
face.

“Take my
hand, and we’ll do it together.”

Allyn’s hand
reaches for mine, but she pulls it back to rest on her thigh. She closes her
eyes and takes a deep breath in through her nose.

On her
second deep breath I see a small shift in her appearance. She straightens her
back and lifts her shoulders, raising her head to look out the windshield in
front of her.

“I need to
see it,” she says with a renewed confidence as she places her soft hand in
mine.

I assist her
out of the car and close the door. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pull her
in against me, and we walk slowly toward where she was found.

“It’s really
very serene. There’s not a soul in sight except for us,” she says. 

The ground is
covered in tall, green plants with the most exquisite purple and yellow
flowers. They spread as far as the eye can see and as we walk through them, we
create a trail that leads from the small parking area to the pond.

The area is
isolated, with tall, leafy trees protecting the privacy of those who do come
here.

When we
reach the pond we’re still completely alone.

Allyn stops
walking thirty feet from the water’s edge. She’s breathing even more heavily,
and now her whole body is trembling.

She drops my
hand and closes her eyes, but lifts her head toward the warm sun with her arms
outstretched.

“My world
could’ve ended here, but I survived.” She drops her arms and she turns her head
to look at me.

“You’re so
strong.”

“I…I…” Allyn
suddenly clasps at her chest. I can see how rapidly she’s breathing. “Why?!”
she yells at me. “Why?!” she screams again, this time to the universe at large.

I move
toward her, but she holds her hand up to stop me before I can reach her.

She starts
pulling at her t-shirt like it’s made of fire and it’s burning her skin.

“Why me? Why
break me?”

She takes
her shoes off and throws them to the ground.

“I want to
understand, just tell me why I was chosen,” she screams toward the sky.

Tears roll
down her cheeks and I don’t think she even notices them.

“I didn’t give
you my soul to break, you took it and ruined me.” She unfastens her jeans and
slips them down her legs.

“You killed my
dreams,” she cries through agonizing sobs.

I don’t try
and stop her. She needs to release her anger as the next step in her healing.

“You took all
my choices away!” she shouts up at the sun. “I’ve died a thousand times but you
can never answer.”

She rips her
t-shirt over her head and is now standing in just her panties and bra.

“Just let me
understand why you did this to me.”

She unfastens
her bra and drops it with no care to the surrounding area.

“I can never
have children because of what you did to me.” And she takes off her panties.

She turns to
face me and I see her for the truly remarkable woman she is.

“I’m broken
and scarred. I’ve got nothing to offer you.” She falls to her knees and hides her
face in her hands, in a true and raw cathartic stance.

Allyn has
finally broken and although she doesn’t understand it yet, she’s ready to move
on.

I realize
suddenly that she’s my everything. Allyn’s scarred beauty eclipses anything I’ve
ever known.

I scoop up a
handful of wildflowers and slowly walk to her.

I kneel in
front of her and lift her chin with my fingers. I kiss her forehead and
wordlessly hand her the flowers.

“They’re
beautiful,” she says as she brings them up to her nose, brushing them over her tear-stained
cheek.

“No they
aren’t, Allyn. They’re breathtaking, just like the woman holding them.”

A halo of
light shines around her, as her strawberry blonde hair is enriched by the rays of
the sun. God is looking at her and smiling with all His warmth.

Allyn will
heal, and I’ll be right beside her, holding her hand for the entire journey. I
can’t leave her now.

“I’m covered
with scars.” She looks down at her exposed body, then back to me. My gaze
doesn’t falter; I keep looking at her eyes, clouded with pain.

“I don’t see
scars. I see a beautiful, strong, courageous woman who’s lived through hell,
and who’s choosing to fight back.”

“Look at my
body, Dominic. It’s not attractive.” Her head falls to her chest and her
shoulders slump forward.

“Sweetheart,
look at me,” I command gently, lifting her chin up. Her eyes find mine and I
smile holding her gaze. “Your mind is magical. Your soul is pure and that’s
what I’ve fallen for. I don’t give a damn about your scars; I want every part
of you.” I run my hand down her cheek and she turns her head to kiss my palm.

“You want me?
As I am? But I can’t give you what you want.”

“I’ll wait. There’s
time.  We’ll work on everything together, Allyn, because you’re a part of me
just as I’m a part of you.”

“You want
me…and you’re willing to wait?” she asks with so much hope in her voice.

I nod and
kiss her forehead.

“Can you
take me home now please?”

“Of course.”
I scoop up her underwear, jeans, and t-shirt and hand them to her. I turn my
back to give her the privacy she deserves while she dresses.

As we begin
walking back to my car, Allyn reaches for my hand.

“I feel better,”
she says with a small smile as I open her door. She slides into the passenger
side and fastens her seat belt.

Closing her
door, I go to the driver’s side and get in. Allyn places her hand on my thigh
as I drive and she looks out the window.

“I think I’d
like to go to that small Italian restaurant you were telling me about.”

I nearly lose
control of the car, because today has been so monumental for Allyn and me.

“I’d be
happy to take you out to dinner.”

Fuck.
My feelings for her hit me so
forcefully that I want to pull over and tell her right now.

Today has
been so intense for her, so liberating that I don’t want to add more intensity
right now.

But in this
very moment I know:
I love her
.

With every
fiber of my being, with everything that I am, I love her.