A Life Less Broken (8 page)

The sun is
flowing in through the window and shining directly on my face, making me uncomfortably
warm and making sleep impossible.

When I open
my eyes, I see Dominic slumped in the chair across the room. His head is back
and his mouth open, and he’s softly snoring. One leg is over the arm of the
chair and his arms are crossed over his chest.

Seeing him
in my room hasn’t freaked me out. It’s actually quite comforting knowing he’s
here.

I try to
slide out of bed without waking him to go to the bathroom but the moment my
feet touch the cold floor, Dominic stirs and jumps out of the chair.

“Allyn, are
you okay? Where are you going?” he says as he blinks tired eyes.

“I’m just
going to the bathroom. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t
asleep. I was just waiting to see how you’re feeling.”

I stand and
put a hand on the footboard to steady myself, my head suddenly woozy. “Dominic,
you were snoring.”

He runs his
hand over his eyes and then stretches his back straight and raises his arms
above his head, almost touching the ceiling. “You going all sassy on me? I said
I wasn’t asleep.”

“Yeah,
alright.” I take a shaky step toward the bathroom, “You may want to wipe that
little bit of drool away then.” I gesture to his mouth and giggle to myself.

Dominic
wipes at his mouth and when he finds there’s nothing there, he shakes his head
and grins with that cute smirk of his. I walk into the bathroom and notice that
I feel so much better than I did yesterday.

When I’m
finished, I go downstairs and warm up the coffee machine to make Dominic and
myself a coffee.

He comes
into the kitchen a few moments later and sits in the chair he’s assigned to himself.

“Can I help
you with anything?” he asks.

“No, it’s
just coffee and toast.”

“That’s fine
with me, seeing as you really don’t have anything else here. So how are you
feeling today?” He comes over to feel my forehead, something that I remember he
did often yesterday. Even throughout the night, he persistently checked on me.

It was
strange at first that it wasn’t Mom here to care for me. But Dominic is very gentle,
and I’ve really learned to trust him in the short time he’s been coming here. It
just felt so natural.

“I’m better.
My throat’s not so sore, and my body doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday.”

“You still
feel a little warm to the touch, so today you take it easy.”

“Of course,”
I say as I look down at the cups I’ve gotten out.

“What is
it?” Dominic asks.

“I had a
dream last night and I’m just thinking about it.”

“What was it
about?”

“Before everything
happened, I had a very best friend who I pushed away when I came home from the
hospital. She tried, but I just couldn’t give her the friendship she deserved,
so I pushed her away until she stopped calling me.”

“And what do
you want to do about that?”

“I’m not
sure,” I begin saying. “I think I’d like to call her.” I continue making the
coffees.

“Then why
don’t you?”

“What if
she’s forgotten about me?” I take Dominic’s latte over to him. He looks down at
the coffee then looks at me before picking it up and taking a sip.

“Then you
remind her.”

“But what if
our friendship is too far gone?” I take my coffee and sit on the chair opposite
Dominic.

“Are you
trying to find an excuse not to call her? Because what you’re saying doesn’t
really make sense. It sounds like you’d rather not know than take the chance
and call her.”

“Hmmm,” I
say. I’m deep in thought, mulling over Dominic’s words. Am I making excuses?

“I’ll make
us breakfast, Allyn. Why don’t you try calling her?” He gets up to get the
bread out of the bread box. “What’s her name?”

“Faith. She was
my best friend all through school, and even after school we were still pretty
tight. Until…” I don’t have to finish the sentence; Dominic knows what ‘until’ means.

“Well, I’ve
got the bread in the toaster. Why don’t you try calling Faith? I think her
reaction might surprise you. And I’m still right here for you,” he says with
his back turned to me as he works on breakfast.

“Alright, I
think I will.”

“There’s no
‘I think’. Either you will or you won’t. So which one is it?” he says casually,
glancing at me over his shoulder.

“Okay, I can
do this.” I walk into the family room, sit on the sofa, and pick up the phone. I
dial the only number I have for Faith. The thought of talking to her again is sending
my nerves into overdrive. What if her number has changed?  My palms are
beginning to sweat, I’m so damn nervous.

 “Hello,”
Faith answers.

“Faith?” I
recognize her voice instantly.

“Yeah. Who’s
this?”

“It’s Allyn.”
My voice breaks and tears well in my eyes. My heart is pounding.

“ALLYN!” she
screams into the phone. I move it away from my ear a little, but I smile at how
happy she sounds.

“Yeah, I
missed you,” I blurt out, not really knowing how to start this conversation.

“Oh my God!
Allyn, I miss you so much. How are you? What are you doing? Where are you? Can
I come over to see you?” She’s firing questions at me so rapidly that my head
is spinning with her enthusiasm, and it makes me laugh.

“I’m still
living in my home and I think I’m doing okay.”

“What’s been
happening? Have you been getting treatment? Are you still seeing a doctor? Have
you left your house yet? Tell me everything.” She pauses for a moment to allow
me to talk.

“Um, I’ve
got a new doctor, and he’s really quite good. He’s helped me so much, but I’m
calling because I was wondering if you’d like to come over. I mean, only if
it’s okay with you.”

“Ahhhhhh!”
she screams through the phone again. “Are you crazy? Of course I want to come
over, but I can’t come until Sunday. Can I bring lunch and come Sunday? I can’t
wait, Allyn, I’m so excited.” Faith always talked more than me. I’m so happy
that she’s going to come see me.

“Okay, well
Sunday it is. Thank you, Faith. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I’ve got to
go, or I’ll be late for work. But Sunday I’ll be at your house about eleven-ish.”

We hang up
and I sit on the sofa with a huge smile plastered on my face. Of course, I
can’t see it, but I can certainly feel it. It feels as if I haven’t used some
of the muscles in my face in a long time. And boy, does it feel unbelievable.

“Breakfast,”
Dominic calls. I merrily skip into the kitchen.

Without even
thinking, I throw my arms around him and hug him tightly.

His arms come
up and he returns my embrace.

Something
passes between us.

I feel
it.

And I’m sure
Dominic feels it too.

His arms
tighten around me and I automatically sink further into his encircling arms,
resting my cheek on his chest.

One of his
hands weaves into the hair at the nape of my neck. His thumb gently strokes the
skin and I close my eyes. I take a deep breath in through my nose, inhaling his
masculine aroma.

His other
hand moves to press against the small of my back. My own hands gently trail up his
taut back, feeling the muscles tighten slightly, then ease as I continue my
slow exploration.

“Hmmm,” I
moan ever so slightly. It feels so right to be standing here with Dominic.

“Allyn.” His
voice comes out all crackly and hoarse, obviously he’s tense. But he doesn’t
let me go, and I savor this raw, intense moment with him.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“I can’t do
this,” he says as he lets go of me and steps away.

“I’m so
sorry,” I mumble and turn away to hide my shame.

I run into
the downstairs bathroom and close the door before he can stop me.

“Allyn, let
me in. We need to talk about this.”

“No we don’t.
Just pretend nothing happened.”

Why would he
ever even look at me? My ear’s bitten off; I’m covered in scars; my left eye
doesn’t work properly. I’m stupid to think that a man like Dominic would ever regard
me as anything more than just his patient. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed.

How dumb can
I be?

What an
idiot. He’s a very good-looking man, and at least fifteen years older than me.
I can’t offer him anything more than a broken body and a broken mind.

“Allyn,
please open the door. I’m not leaving until you open the door.”

“It was stupid,
Dominic. Nothing happened, nothing can ever happen, please…”
Please what?
Please go away, or please stay with me?
“Please, just don’t shame me any
more than I already am,” I say through the closed, locked door.

“There’s
nothing to be ashamed of. I wanted it too. But I can’t; I’m your doctor.”

And
you’re hideous.

“I know. I’m
so sorry. I shouldn’t have hugged you,” I say in a small voice.

“Please open
the door.” His voice is so low and serene that it’s difficult not to be coerced
by it.

I’m so
broken. I can never have a relationship with a man. Especially not Dominic.

I take a
deep breath and slowly unlock and open the door. He’s leaning up against the
wall opposite the bathroom.

He takes a
step toward me but I shake my head and hold up my arm, palm out.

“I’m sorry I
didn’t break that off, Allyn. I’m the one to blame,” he says as he shoves his
hands into his jean pockets.

“Let’s just
go have breakfast and forget all about it.”

“You still
have to take your antibiotics to make sure your fever doesn’t come back.”

“Sure,” I
say quietly as I go and sit at the kitchen table.

Dominic and
I eat in silence and I don’t look at him once.

I’m so
scared of what I’ll see in his eyes if I allow myself a glance at him.

He’s most
likely humiliated at having such a disgusting, broken person as me foist myself
on him. I probably repulsed him.

Why would he
want me? Why would
anyone
ever want me?

I’m
beyond repair.

If I can’t
stand looking at myself, how could he possibly tolerate my ugliness?

Dominic

Fuck.

I sit in my
office and stare at the blank laptop screen blinking back at me.

How could I
be so fucking stupid?

She hugged
me, and from the moment I took her warm body in my arms, I never wanted to let
her go.

Fuck.

I’m such an
idiot. I’ve never been involved with a patient before. What makes Allyn so
different?

I pick the
pen up and twirl it around between my fingers, thinking about that damn hug.
Her soft, small body pressed against mine, the way her breasts brushed my chest,
and those small sexy moans that hummed through her as her hands trailed along my
back.

I close my
eyes and relive those precious few moments of us standing together with no roles,
no judgment, and no doctor-patient bullshit.

Her soft,
feminine curves, the citrus smell of her shampoo wafting from her hair, and the
smooth skin at the nape of her neck.

My heart
accelerates at the memory of how it felt to tangle my hands in her silky
strands and how she responded by inching closer to me.

I feel my
cock getting hard, remembering the inviting little noises she made, and the
desire I felt to kiss her full, supple lips. Not aggressively, but delicately,
tenderly. I wish I’d leaned down and hovered over her lips, waiting for her to signal
permission to mark her as mine. I think about brushing my tongue across her
beautiful mouth with a feather-light touch, telling her with my kiss that I’d give
her anything she wants.

Knock,
knock.

Fuck.

I snap my
eyes open and notice I’ve been rubbing my cock through my jeans. Now I’m
sporting a huge damn hard-on.
Fuck.

“Yeah,” I
say as I slide my chair further under the desk so Lauren can’t see the bulge in
my pants.

She opens
the door, strolls in, and sits in one of the chairs opposite me.

“Yes,
Lauren, what can I do for you?” I lean my elbows on the desk, concealing my
erection even further.

“I want to
talk to you about Allyn,” she starts.

“There’s
nothing really to talk about.”

“You’ve been
dedicating a lot of time to her, which I’m sure is great, because she must be making
progress. But it seems as if there’s something more happening between you two.”

“It’s not…” I
start, but she holds her hand up to stop me from saying anything further.

“Now listen,
I’ve been working for you for a while now and not once have you ever looked at
a patient that way. But this one, I know there’s something different about her.
You beam when you come back from seeing her. You’ve even spent the night at her
house. Yes, I know she was sick and you stayed to look after her, but there’s
something more to this. I know there is.”

“Lauren,
it’s really…”

“Oh, no you
don’t, Dom. Don’t you try to pull the wool over my eyes,” she says as she points
a skinny finger at me. “I’m not an idiot. I can see that you’ve changed. You’re
not as stressed out any more, especially after you come back from seeing her.”
Lauren stops talking and sits back in the chair, crossing her legs and looking at
me, clearly expecting an answer.

What can I
say?

I
don’t even know what’s happening.
How am I supposed to explain it to Lauren?

“After
Chelsea and what she did to me,” I begin, but look away from Lauren. I don’t
want to see her eyes because I don’t want to see judgment coming from her.
She’s never been critical of me before, so it would destroy me if she thinks
less of me now. “Chelsea’s betrayal shattered me, Lauren. Pretending she was
pregnant, going to extreme measures to fake a belly, not allowing me to touch
her or be there at the ultrasound...” I trail off, just trying to gain some
composure. “How much of a fucking idiot was I to believe that my wife was three
months pregnant, and didn’t want me to go to the ultrasound because she didn’t
want me in the room while they did an internal? I’m her husband
and
a
fucking doctor – a
psychiatrist
, for fuck’s sake – and I didn’t, for one
minute, think she was screwing with me.”

“Because you
loved her,” Lauren quietly says.

“How could I
be so stupid? Do you know Allyn asked me if I wanted children, and I fucking
lied to her and told her that I never seriously considered having them? How do
I tell her that the doctor she’s trusted to help her overcome all her fears is
a fucking idiot? How do I tell her that all I want is a child? How do I tell
her that my wife fooled me into thinking she was pregnant just so she could continue
to live off my money?”

“You didn’t
know what Chelsea was doing. She never gave you a good reason to doubt her
before. Love puts blinders on all of us, Dom.”

I feel so
ashamed of myself. Lauren’s sweet, motherly smile says that she doesn’t think
I’m a fool, just a man who was in love with his wife.

“Allyn is so
pure, so beautiful and trusting, and pretty much perfect for me.”

“There’s
also a large age gap between the two of you. That by itself is going to have
repercussions if you two choose to pursue a relationship.” Lauren points out
one of society’s obvious taboos. “Not to mention you’re her doctor and she’s
your patient.”
And there’s the second taboo topic
.

“I know, and
truthfully, I don’t know if Allyn will ever be able to have a normal
relationship.”

“Well,
that’s not really your decision to make for her. You can’t decide for her or tell
her what you think she needs.”

“No I can’t,
but she’s not ready to face how I feel about her.”

“And what do
you feel for her?” Lauren asks innocently, but I know what she’s doing. She’s forcing
me to face and admit my feelings for Allyn. I’m totally aware of her
manipulation, because I do the same thing.

“It’s too
early to say.”

“Really?”
she asks in feigned surprise, almost mocking me. “Because I think you know
exactly what you want, Dom.”

“She’s still
got a long way to go.” I shake my head and run my hands through my hair.

“You both
may have a long way to go, but don’t you owe it to yourself and to her to own
whatever feelings you do have?”

“Hmmm,” is
all I can say and nod my head in agreement.

She rises
from the chair. “I’m going home early today; Charlie is taking me out on a
date. What are your plans for tonight, seeing as it’s Friday?”

“Oscar and I
are going out for dinner and a few drinks. Nothing too interesting,” I tell her.

“Damn, that
brother of yours, ummm-hmmm. If only I was twenty-five years younger. How is
he?”

“He’s great.
He’s working on some high-profile case that’s got him all stressed out, which
is why we’re going out to dinner tonight.”

“Just
remember, I’m leaving in about two hours to go home and get ready for my date
with Charlie.” Lauren walks toward the door. Before she reaches it, she turns
around and looks at me, “It’ll all work out. These things have a way of finding
their balance,” she says, leaving me with her wise words.

I rub my
hand over my face, then comb my fingers through my hair and go back to looking
at my blank computer screen.

My cock has
gone down, but after talking with Lauren, I’m more fucking confused then I was
before.

I won’t have
much of a life if I have to keep lying to myself.

But…

I know that
I want to hold on to whatever Allyn and I have, however delicate it is.

For now,
I’ll keep my feelings to myself.