A Lighter Shade of Blue (Kings of Chaos Book 2) (2 page)

“Me.”
Like always.
Bitterness wells up inside me. I love my family. I’d do anything for them. But I hate the way I’m placed into the role of cleaner extraordinaire. While Calla lived her life to the fullest, screwing up left and right, I was expected to be the exact opposite. Like my goodness and dutiful law abiding could somehow make up for her rash behavior. I thought when she had Bolt things would change.

We were all disappointed to find that wasn’t true, none more so than Shadow. I think he thought he could tame Calla. That somehow, attention, affection, and eventually, a baby would change her wicked and wild disposition. Or maybe, she trapped him, thinking he would make her his Old Lady. It might’ve worked if she hadn’t been trying to dick around with other men every chance she got. The quiet man had always been deeper than a lot of the other brothers looking to have fun. He was the kind the King chasers went after, because they knew he’d make a good old man.

“What do you want me to do, Pops?” I ask, using the childhood nickname to smooth things over.

“Become his guardian and take care of him.”

I run my fingers through my hair.

“The fuck is that shit?” Pop roars.

I flinch. “What is what?”

“This.” He grabs my hand, holds it up, and waves it around. “You marrying that yuppie?” he asks, disgusted.

“I …didn’t get a chance to answer him.”

“Then you’ve already said no,” my mother says.

“No, I didn’t say anything. He asked me to think about it,” I reply, defending him.

“Yeah, right,” my dad huffs. “We both know he’s not the one for you.”

“Then who is, Pop? One of the guys at the club? Oh wait…no, they won’t touch me, so I guess I’m supposed to be solo forever. That way I can always drop everything and come to the rescue.”

“What the hell is wrong with you? I just told you your sister is going to jail long term, and you’re pulling this bullshit? You been away from Kings so long, you forgot what loyalty means. That pretty boy is putting this shit in your brain!”

“No. He’s not doing anything,” I counter.

“Just trying to marry you, and force you to be what he wants. We barely saw you after you started dating him. You think I can’t put two and two together?” Pop asks.

“That had nothing to do with him and everything to do with getting my own life,” I answer, defending him again.

“Life outside of Kings of Chaos? Girl, you were born into this, and you’ll die here. You think moving twenty minutes away from us, and keeping yourself scarce is going to make you exempt from the rules?”

No, but it got you to notice for once, didn’t it?
“No.” I drop my head, breaking the intense stare-down occurring between us. “You’re right. Now is not the time or the place. Whatever needs doing, I’ll do. I’m not happy about Cal’s misfortune, I’m scared for her. You know I love Bolt like he’s my own. He’s more than welcome at my place. I’ll sign the papers, and do my best to ease him into this transition.”

“There’s my Blue,” Pop says.

I nod, embarrassed by how quickly I folded. I claim to want another life, but I’ve never taken any final steps. I’m too attached to my family. It’s not them I want to escape though, it’s the skin I’m trapped in and don’t fit inside of.

“Good. I know it’s a lot at once, but I need you with me on this. You hear me?” he asks.

Glancing up, I nod. “I’m here.”

“You going to take care of this?” He nods toward the ring.

“Yeah, Pop, I will.”

“Good. We want you to move into Cal’s house. I think the boy has had enough upset. We don’t need to add a relocation to a new place to the list.”

His reasoning is sound, but I hate it. My apartment is perfect. An upper scale building where I nabbed a two bedroom close to work, and decorated to my taste, wouldn’t be easy to leave behind. I bit my tongue to hold back the venomous words.
This is for Bolt. He deserves far better than what Cal gave him. Maybe I can reach him now…one-on-one.
I watched him grow cold as he turned inward and began to form a hard shell around himself to protect him from the hurt she unintentionally inflected. The thought gave me peace. “Where is Bolt now?”

“Spending the night with Rugger and his Old Lady, and their kids.”

“He doesn’t know?” I ask.

“No. I want to tell him tomorrow. Let’s give him one last night to be a child.”

“He hasn’t been that for a long time,” I answer honestly.

He sighs, and I can hear the weight of the world he carries on his shoulders in that one expression of frustration.

“She needs to get her head out of her ass. I’m not coming to her rescue this time. Her bail is fifty thousand dollars.” He shakes his head.

My father’s admission stuns me. “Pres is good for it.”

“That’s not the point.” He runs his hand over his mouth and shakes his head. “She has to stop this shit. She’s thirty-five, and I’m getting old. I can’t keep covering her ass when she fucks up. If she can’t get right…” He shrugs.

My mind fills in the blanks. He’s ready to cut her loose, which means permanent guardianship for me, split with Shadow. “What do you want me to do?”

“Get your things moved over. I’m sending prospects over to load up some trucks and help you relocate. Just the things you need. We’ll get a storage room and get you packed away when all the drama has died down. You’re coming up for renewal on your place, aren’t you?”

I roll my eyes. The man knows everything. “Yes, in a couple of months, but—”

“Good. No sense in paying for the place when you won’t be living there,” he continues, bulldozing over me.

I silently try to wrap my head around the major changes coming down the pipeline at the speed of light.

I sit in the chair, shifting as the hard surface wreaks havoc on my rear. I tuck stray strands of hair behind my ear and look around the visiting area. Families and significant others are lined up at small tables across from inmates. I feel out of place and nervous. I didn’t want to be the one to deliver the news.

Not to Shadow.

My cheeks fill with blood, and I thank the Lord above for my mother’s partial African American heritage. The tan tone she provided to me and my sister gives us an almost sun-kissed glow, and thick, dark hair. The club knew, but never mentioned it. Technically, it went against the old by-laws originally written in the post-Vietnam error when racism was rampant.

I trail my fingertip over the table. I’m not afraid of Shadow, not in the way most people would think, he just makes me nervous. I’m always afraid if I’m not careful, he’ll see the things
I try so hard to hide.

Another reason I despise Calla.

The door opens, and I turn to see him brought in by a guard.

He’s doubled in size since I saw him during Christmas. My jaw drops, and I can’t help but let my hungry gaze swallow him whole.

His broad shoulders, firm chest, and long russet-colored hair did funny things to my tummy. His beard is kept short and adds to the rugged maleness he exudes without trying.

Ashamed, I break eye contact and pretend my hands have become insanely interesting.

He sinks into the chair across from me. “Not that I mind, but I wasn’t expecting to see you,” Shadow says.

His gravel filled voice sends chills up my spine. I peer up and catch his grayish blue gaze.

His cobalt eyes narrow, and he’s studying me with the still calm that I associate with him.

“I’d like to say I’m here just because, but that’s not the case,” I admit.

He sighs. “What did she do now?”

His dejected tone makes my heart ache. She put him through hell and back from the minute she got pregnant and didn’t know who that father was. “Drug trafficking.”

“How many months?” he asks.

“We’re thinking years.”

His eyes grow round and he leans forward. “Explain.”

“She had kilos on her, Shadow. They caught her not far from the border.”

“Fuck,” he hisses.

“We got B, I’ll take him. She won’t go to trial for a few more weeks, but considering her priors and the hard-on the county has for the Kings, we’re planning for the worst.”

“Where is he now?” he asks. His jaw turns to stone, and his nostrils flare.

“At home. I’m in the process of moving in.”

“Gave up that sweet place on the north?”

“Yeah, family first.” I shrug.

“Hmmm.”

The doubt in his voice makes my stomach tighten. “You think I’d turn my back on my family?” I ask. My voice shakes, and I curse my inability to mask my emotions.

“No, I think this isn’t your job. We both know you’re more of a mother to my boy than she’s ever been. A better man would tell you to go back to your old life, but there’s no one else I’d trust with him. I got six more months in here if I keep my nose clean. I need you to do this for me.”

“It wasn’t even a question in my mind,” I say.

“Maybe it should’ve been.”

I arch an eyebrow. “I don’t understand.”

“Nothing else to do but think inside. When I get out…we’ll be talking,” he says.

I want to press him for more, but his face clouds over and I know he’s in stoic mode. “I…if you’re okay with the arrangements, there’s some papers I need you to sign.” I remove the papers from the inner pocket of my jacket and slide them across the desk.

The guard moves over to oversee his use of the pen I carefully sit down on the table between us.

I cleared the document signing ahead of time. After all the time I spent in and out of prison visiting people, I could write an etiquette book. Once the paper is signed, the guard takes the pen and I slip the papers back into my pocket.

“Other than the latest Calla cluster fuck, how’ve you been?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I ask.

“Why? Every day is the same for me. I’m just biding my time until I get out.”

“Working, helping Pops and Mom out with Bolt. The usual,” I answer.

“Hmm. What does ole Jamie have to say? Is he onboard for you taking over my son?”

“He doesn’t have any say. We’re on a hiatus.”

He snickers. “Ain’t no such thing.” He nods toward my hand. “And that sparkler says something entirely different.”

“Well, he asked me to think about it. I thought it was the least I could do.”

“You ever get tired of being so saintly, Blue?”

His words sting. I glance away, embarrassed and humiliated in front of the one man I want to see me as a capable woman. “Is it so wrong to want to do what’s right? Maybe people would prefer I behave like Calla?” I spit the words out, pissed he’s hassling me.

“Fuck no. You do that, and I’ll kick your ass myself. All I’m trying to say is…there comes a time when you have to go for yourself.”

“And screw everyone else?” I fire back, furious. “What if this ‘doing for myself’ made me uninterested in caring for your kid? Where would you be then? I got the paperwork I needed. I’ll take my leave.” I push my seat back.

“Sit. That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he says.

His voice is steady and calm, but I hear the steel in it. I pause.

“Look at me, Blue.”

I do as he asks because I don’t want to make a scene.

“You’ve always put others before yourself, no matter the cost. We ain’t getting no younger.”

Easy to say when you’re the man.
Men run everything in the outlaw motorcycle world. They get all the respect, power, and support. It differs from club to club. Some only see women as property to be controlled and pimped out for a price. Kings aren’t like that. They protect their women, but they make sure they know their place. We stay out of club business, partially for protection. The less we know, the safer we are. But there was no way to sugarcoat the dominant role they play. I want to spray the truth at him like venom, but I know better. You don’t disrespect a brother. Especially not in a public place. It would make the Kings look weak. “Easier said than done. Isn’t that the way it always goes?”

“Only if you let it be that way,” Shadow replies.

I refrain from saying something that’ll set him off. People handle doing time in a number of ways. Shadow chooses to go the Zen route. It’s admirable, but right now it’s the last thing I need. Bolt is sullen and moody. The house feels unfamiliar, and I’m still re-adjusting to life under the Kings of Chaos microscope. Calla lived for them. Her home is less than ten minutes from the club, and just two streets over from Dad’s. The boys frequently come through to check up on us, and I’m drowning in the life I haven’t lived since my teen years.

“We both know this is a man’s world, Shadow.”

“Only if you have the wrong man,” he says.

“You know I’m not with a King. Civilians don’t get it.”

“And that’s why you might want to rethink your options,” Shadow surmises.

“You going to give me the Chaos conversation?” I quirk a brow up.

He smirks. “Nope.” 

I roll my eyes.

He chuckles. “How’s Bolt dealing with things?” he asks, shifting the conversation.

I take the out and latch onto it like a starving leech. “He has short periods where he seems okay and well-adjusted. Most of the time, he’s lashing out in different ways. It’s an ever shifting environment of moods. I understand why. Doesn’t make it less challenging, though. I’m trying set realistic boundaries. He needs that.”

It’s a harsh truth, but it’s nothing Shadow doesn’t already know. When he was out, he made sure to keep Bolt in line and on the right track. Without his guidance, it’s been a rocky three years. “Can’t blame him. He hasn’t had stability with me in here. I could wring her neck for this.” His jaw clenches.

I want to know what he saw in her. She wasn’t his type. Her reputation as a party girl was established long before they started messing around. It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask.

“Time’s about up,” the guard says.

“Come back and see me in a few weeks. Keep me posted on my son. I’ll call to the house every couple of days. The boys will take care of the bill.”

I nod, and we say our good-byes. I’m being shuffled in a deck of cards. The game is already in mid-play, so there’s no stopping now.