A Lighter Shade of Blue (Kings of Chaos Book 2) (7 page)

Blue

This is it. I preview my empty apartment and try not to let the water spill from my eyes. This place had been my shelter. A haven against the storms life threw at me. I learned a lot about myself behind the safety of these walls. There was no protocol or reputation to worry about. Now I was going back into the belly of the beast I’d spent a year weaning myself away from. It was stupid to think keeping my distance and living in denial with Jamie would change what was in my heart and running through my veins.

“That’s it, Blue.” Jamie sounds like a child who’d had his candy taken away. I suppose in a way he had.

“Thanks for helping me move. You really didn’t have to,” I say.

“Yeah, I did. I want you to know you’re not alone. I get that you’re all about family, but I’m always here if you need anything.”

“I know the party freaked you out. But they’re my family, Jam. I don’t see them the same way you do, and they’d never hurt me.”

“I’m more worried about you getting caught up in the crossfire.”

I roll my eyes. He’d been like a dog with a bone about the club recently. I imagine it was because he blames them for
taking me away.
“Someday soon, some girl who’s perfect for you is going to make you very happy. I’m just not that girl. I know we want to stay friends, but I think some time apart would be a good thing, yeah?”

“If that’s what you want.” He runs the backs of his knuckle across my cheek. “Remember, I’m always here.”

“I know, Jam, thank you,” I say, gently resting my hand on his shoulder. “You were more than I deserved. I wish I could have loved you the way you needed me to. You’re my best friend, but what you need is more.”

He presses his lips together and gives a curt nod. “At least let me walk you out.”

“Of course. I’m not trying to push you away. I just…this isn’t healthy for either of us. I’m struggling to deal with all the new responsibilities laid at my feet, and you’re waiting in the wings for me to miraculously change my mind.” I shake my head. “It’s not right.”

“I get it. The party was…eye opening. After all of this dies down, maybe we can try the friend thing again.”

I smile up at him. “I’d like that.”

We leave the apartment behind, and I lock the door behind me for the last time. With the return of my keys and my final good-bye to Jamie, I’m brought back to square one. In a way, I’m rebuilding my life. I should be terrified and at least a little sad. Instead, I’m nervous and excited. What I had going before didn’t work. It’s time I figure out what does.

“How are you?” Ruth asks.

I take a sip from my beer, letting the porch swing I had installed swing back and forth a few more times before I answer. “I’m good.”

“Thanks for the bullshit answer, now how about the real one?”

I laugh. Ruthie Price has been my best friend since college. The firecracker has never hesitated to speak her mind. It’s what I love and hate about her. She’ll lay your shit bare if she thinks it’s in your best interest. When I need tough love, she’s the first one I turn to. “I’m dealing. Being a full time parent to a teenage boy full of angst, anger, and the need to feel unconditionally loved is heavy.”

“I can only imagine, but he loves you, and everyone knows how crazy you are about him. It’ll settle.”

“I hope so. I’m terrified of screwing up and making things worse for him.”

“Not possible, babe. You’re here every day, all day. That’s more than I think Bolt has ever had.”

“I know you’re right, but it’s different when you’re in it,” I say, trying to neutralize the fear threatening to creep up and ruin our girls’ night in.

“Always is, babe. That’s why I’m your voice of reason. I’m far enough outside to be objective, but close enough to get what’s going on. How are things with the family?”

“Crazy, overwhelming. It’s amazing how moving twenty minutes closer can change everything. The boys are always over to check on us or doing drive-bys. My father seems to think I need to be over there every other day, and my mother,” I picture the withdrawn woman with sad eyes, and a fake smile, “she’s not taking this well at all. I don’t want to say Calla is her favorite, but they connect on a different level. One I know she misses.”

“Can’t Calla have visitors?” Ruth asks.

“Yeah, but she’s refusing to see my parents. She’s furious they wouldn’t post her bail.”

“Which leaves you running interference, like usual. I hate that they do this to you.”

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s been broken for a long time. Is she seeing you at least?”

“Oh yeah, she loves seeing me.” I roll my eyes.

“Meaning she’s a total bitch the entire time. Has Bolt gone to see her?”

“No.” I shake my head. “He doesn’t want to, and I’m not about to force him. You reap what you sow.”

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. She’s gotten away with so much shit over the years.”

“And look at her now. We all got to pay the Piper sometime.”

“Truth. How are you dealing with the Jamie break up?”

“Better than I should be. I swear I’m such a bitch. I actually feel relieved.”

“You should, he wasn’t right for you. You need someone more…” Ruth furrows her brow. “Masculine?”

“He was plenty masculine.”

“Not in the make your
toes curl take-charge
way.” She shudders dramatically.

I laugh. “Why do I get the feeling you’re picturing a particular man right now? Maybe you need to be the one sharing with me.”

“I wish there was something to tell. I’m in a serious dry spell.” Ruth shakes her head.

“No one interesting in the ad department? You get some cute hipsters coming through,” I say, remembering the last long haired, pierced, tattooed man with black frames she brought to a get together.

“Ugh, that’s the problem. If you’re even more sensitive than me, I can’t see long term. I’m over the sowing my wild oats stage. I want to get serious. It’s changed the way I look at men.”

“I never thought I’d hear you say the S word.”

“S word?” Ruthie lifts a pencil thin eyebrow over her deep set brown eyes and purses her slim lips. Her high cheekbones stand out on her heart-shaped face, and her corkscrew curls tumble down her back. She’s beautiful without trying and down-to-earth.

I’d like to see her settled with someone who could handle her. She’s always run circles around the men attracted to her magnetic personality. An image of Skull flickers in my mind. Skull manages one of the King’s legal businesses—Chaos’ Bar and Grill. They would balance well.
Except she wants serious.

“Yeah, serious.”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on, we’re getting scarily close to mid-thirties.”

“You sound scared,” I exclaim, stunned. She’s always so fearless.

“I think we’re all afraid to end up alone. I’m no different in that aspect. I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed we’re attending more baby showers, and one of the few left from our crew who are painfully single. Well, I guess you were excluded until recently.”

“Does it matter? One thing I learned early on in life is there’s no right or wrong way to do things. We all have a path to travel. There’s no status quo we need to struggle to meet. You have to be happy. Trust me, life is fleeting at best and tomorrow isn’t promised.” I picture the faces of those who’d gone before me and close my eyes tight. Too much loss does funny things to a person.

“You’re right. I just…have you ever looked at your life and realized it’s not where you wanted to be by now?”

I laugh as bitterness wells up inside me. “Are you kidding me? Every damn day! I just hurt someone I care about badly, because I couldn’t stop lying to myself. Jamie might’ve been what I swore I wanted. But he wasn’t what I needed. ”

“Did he do something you didn’t like?”

I laugh. “No, he just wasn’t…” I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud.

“Who you wanted?” Ruth finishes my sentence.

I bow my head. “I have to shake this sickness. It’s fucked up, and it’s going to ruin my life if I let it.”

“Why?” Ruthie asks.

“The man that I want—”

“Is a free agent,” she interjects. “You have to get this out of your system or you’ll never be able to move on, because you’re always going to wonder what if. It’s easy to place him on a pedestal when it’s all been in your head.”

“I don’t. It’s not like that. I’m not pining for him,” I splutter.

“Aren’t you? I think you owe it to the both of you. I’ve seen you two around one another. Shadow is into you,” Ruth says.

“I don’t think so.”

“Prove me wrong,” she challenges.

“It’s not that easy, and you know it.”

“Soon, you won’t be able to say that. The two of you will be living under the same roof.”

“For Bolt. I mean, what would that look like? Your dad gets home from jail, your mom goes in, and your aunt starts dating your dad?”

“What? He would be ecstatic. His two
real
parents together.”

“Ruthie,” I whine.

“What? I remember how many times you didn’t go out in college because Bolton needed you and Shadow was off doing whatever he does for the club.”

I smirk. She caught on real quick to the whole not asking questions thing. I loved her for it. No matter what happened with the club, she never saw me differently or isolated me. There’d been many friends before her who couldn’t handle it. I reach out and grab her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you.”

“For what, being painfully honest?” Ruthie asks.

“No, ass, for sticking by me.”

“You should know by now I’m not going anywhere, babe. You’re stuck with my crazy ass now.” She wraps her arm around me.

I allow myself to soak up her support and affection. This was exactly what I needed, some tough love and a chance to vent. Time was ticking by fast, and my anxiety was off the charts.

“You ready for tomorrow?” Ruthie asks.

“No. I know the judge is going to throw the book at her, and when her last bit of hope is snatched away, she’s going to go down in a blaze of insanity. You’ve seen her melt down before. It’s not a pretty sight.”

“Shit, is Bolt going to be there?”

“I think he wants to be. I’m torn between protecting him, and overstepping my boundaries. He’s seen so much already, I don’t think I have the right to keep him from going.”

“Did he say why he wants to go?” she asks.

“No. I think in his own way, he wants to lend support and accept his new reality. Right now, we’re in limbo. This will put an end to all that. I think we both need the closure.”

“Promise me one thing, Blue.”

“What?” I ask cautiously.

“You’ll allow yourself to truly be happy. Whatever that means, whoever it hurts. Because you deserve that.”

I know what she’s saying. I look down at my hands. “If it comes to it, I will.” It’s more than a vow to a friend, it’s an agreement with myself. Shadow may have pressed my buttons during our visit, but he was right. We’re not getting any younger, and I’m sick of playing the role of doormat.

“Oh, it will, baby girl. Trust me. I got one of my
feelings
.” Ruthie nods her head.

“Then God save my soul! Every time you get one of those
feelings
of yours, it hits the fan.”

“It’s not always bad,” Ruthie protests.

“No, but it’s always something to watch. Jesus, why did you put that curse on me?” I moan.

“You need a little crazy in your life.”

“No. I think I have plenty of crazy going.”

“Not the good kind.” Her eyes glitter with mischief.

“You’re so evil.”

“Shut up, you love me.”

“Love and fear,” I say.

We both burst into giggles and continue to rock back and forth. For a moment, I could let all my worries fade into the background and enjoy the peace that always came when I spent time with my best friend.