A Lighter Shade of Blue (Kings of Chaos Book 2) (5 page)

“Did she sign them?”

“Hello to you, too, Bolty,” I reply, closing the door behind me.

“Come on, Aunt Blue,” he all but whines.

“Of course she signed them. She wants what’s best for you, always,” I say softly.

“I wish I were young and naïve enough to believe those lies,” Bolt counters. His blue eyes are so like his father’s while filled with sorrow, and his eyebrows almost come to a point. His angular face takes on a sullen expression and his full lips turn down at the corners.

His words gut me. I want to pull him into my arms and hug him, but he’s long outgrown those days when a hug and kiss can make it better. “She does, she just doesn’t know how to be an adult, baby.”

“That’s no excuse.” He sneers.

I shake my head sadly. “No, it isn’t.”

“I always loved that about you.”

“What?” I ask.

“You never let her off the hook like Pops does. You just told me it wasn’t my fault.”

“Because it wasn’t and isn’t.”

“Yeah, I get that now, but back then…” He trails off, and shakes his head.

I hold my breath. It’s rare when he opens up these days, and I don’t want to spook him.

“I would’ve given anything to have her look at me and really see me. To make her love me the way—other mom’s do. Then I realized something. I might not have her, but I have always had you.”

“And you always will,” I say instinctively.

“I know, and I love you for that.”

He might tower over me at six foot two, but right now, all I can see is the four-year-old little boy who carried his blue blanket everywhere and followed behind me like a shadow. “Can I hug you?”

“I’d like that.”

I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him tight. “We’re going to be okay, me and you. I promise you that. I’m not trying to take your mom’s place. There are things I won’t get right on the first try. But if you give me a chance, I will learn. Don’t give up on me, Bolty.”

“I could say the same thing,” he replies.

The waver in his voice hurts my heart. “Never. What does my tattoo say?” I ask.

“Family over everything.”

“That’s right.”

He holds me tighter, and for a moment we’re two people adrift in a sea of hurt, change, and uncertainty.

Blu
e

I wipe the sweat off the back of my brow and jog to my room to change. It’s Monday, and Jamie is stopping by for dinner. It’s a habit he’s picked up since I moved into Calla’s house. The spaghetti and homemade meatballs are resting over a small flame, and the garlic bread is crisping in the oven.

“Something smells good, Aunt Blue. Did you make my favorite?” Bolton asks, leaning out of his room. Braced in the doorframe with his dark hair falling over his right eye and his KOC T-shirt he’s a younger version of his father. There was never any doubt that Bolton belonged to Shadow. He’s always favored the attractive male.

“I did. Does that mean you’ll join us tonight?”

Bolt rolls his eyes. “Like I’d leave you alone with
that
guy.”

“Why don’t you like Jamie? He’s nice.”

“No, he pretends to be nice while you’re around. I know he doesn’t like me or the club. Everyone can tell. Why do you think Gramps doesn’t like him?” Bolt asks.

“Because Pops doesn’t like anyone outside of KOC.”

Bolt shakes his head. “I think you’re wrong. There’s something more to Mr. Preppy.” Bolt nods to my hand. “I don’t like the thought of him taking you away either.”

“That could never happen,” I say.

“This is the most I’ve seen you in a long time, Aunt Blue. He kept you away a lot more than you realize.”

I pause, thinking about his words. I lean over and place my hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been there enough for you, Bolt.”

“You’ve done more for me than my own mom.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why? It’s true!” His brow wrinkles and his dark eyes grow colder. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I’m just looking out for you.”

“I appreciate it, but I think that’s my job, kiddo,” I reply, gently pushing his hair away from his face.

“I’m not a kid.”

“Hey, you’ll always be
my
kiddo. And I know you can take care of yourself just fine, Bolt. But in this family, we take care of each other.”

He meets my gaze.

For a moment, I can see the boy he once was. The shadows dissipate, and I hold my breath.

“Yeah, I can agree to that.”

“Love you, Bolty. Now, I need to go change. The food should be ready in about ten minutes, and Jamie should be here around then, too.”

“I’ll answer the door if you’re still getting ready,” he mumbles.

The gesture melts me a little bit. He’s trying. Given what he’s been through recently, it’s all I can do. I can’t imagine what it would be like seeing your mom hauled off from the courtroom headed to jail. Visiting my mom from behind a glass would kill something inside me. After a month, provided she earns good behavior, the one-on-one visitations could begin. Well, as close as he would get to one-on-one in the next three years.

I push the tangled web of craziness that is my life to the back of my head and continue my trek to the bedroom. I’d redone it. I ditched Calla’s threadbare sheets, painted it a soft blue, moved in my Tempurpedic king size monstrosity, and decorated the walls. Her place had always seemed too sterile. I’d changed that little by little over the past two months. Things were settling here. Truth be told, I didn’t miss the apartment the way I thought I would. I’d even taken up gardening the way I’d always wanted. I shed my work clothing, tossed them in the wicker hamper in the corner, and pulled on a comfortable pair of jeans with holes in the knee and a KOC T-shirt. After I run a brush through my hair and tuck it behind my ear, the doorbell rings.

“I got it,” Bolt calls.

I bet you do.
He reminds me of Pop and Shadow when he narrows his gaze, and gives Jamie the ninth-degree. Thankfully, Jamie is a good sport.

I rush into the kitchen, pull the garlic bread out, set it on the stove, and turn off the oven. I walk out to the living room and find Bolt sitting across from Jamie in a chair. “Hey, guys, are you hungry?”

“Starving. I’ve missed your cooking, Blue,” Jamie says.

My smile falters. He keeps pushing for more than I can give him. The ring all but burns my finger. I need to give it back. Every time I try, he runs roughshod over me. I sigh. He’s a normalcy I need right now. I don’t want to push him away, but so much about our relationship right now is wrong.

“I don’t know how, man. You’re here every other day,” Bolt mutters.

I sigh. “Bolt—”

“It’s true,” Bolt says.

Jamie laughs. “It is true. You know I always want to be where you are.” He stares at me.

Under his intense gaze, I’m feeling uncomfortable. “Come on, the food is ready.”

The boys rise, and Jamie moves over and wraps his arm around my waist. “How was work today?”

“Good. I’m going to miss the little boogers when summer break comes.” I sigh.

“What are your plans for the summer?” he asks.

“Gardening.”

“What do you think about a trip, just you and me?”

“Jamie—”

“I know. I know you think I didn’t understand your…family situation. Let me prove I do. Bring me around to some events, give me a chance.”

I sigh. “And if we see it doesn’t work?”

“Then you can return my ring, and I’ll back off.”

“You want to do this?” I ask, knowing the shit he’s going to be given.

“Only way you’re going to get rid of me, doll. I know we can make a go of this.”

I sigh. “Fine, there’s a party at the club. Friday, be ready.”

His grin makes me shiver. I never knew a man who was such a glutton for punishment. “Excellent.”

We move into the room, and he takes a seat beside my chair. Bolt takes the chair across from me.

“You boys sit. I’ll get everything to the table.”

“No, you cooked, Aunt Blue. Let me help bring the bread in at least.”

I smile at Bolt, proud as punch. He might not be mine, but at times like this, it felt damn close. In the past, I’d stayed at local college for him. There was no way I could go across the country where I would’ve been be worried about him on a daily basis.

Dixie Rose, my best friend since forever, had advised against it. She knew if I didn’t leave after graduation I would never get out, but she didn’t understand family. Born to an African American King chaser who’d attempted to abort her, she had no one but her Dad, and a seat of awkwardness that screwed with her mind. Old bylaws prohibited African Americans from joining the club. It made for a white landscape. I was a quarter black and felt it. So, Dixie with her curvy frame, full lips, and the cocoa brown skin was almost an oddity. The club members loved her the same, but some of the old members would whisper and stare more than they should’ve. She felt that shit to her core growing up, and getting out had always been her plan. I miss her now more than ever. She has a knack for saying the right things. We’ve kept in touch over the years, but there’s nothing like having her here in the flesh.

Bolt sets down the garlic bread.

I bring over the pot of spaghetti and meatballs. After setting it on the silicone potholder I return to the kitchen for the pitcher of sweet tea that was a family specialty. My mom might have been raised in San Diego city limits, but her family’s roots stretched over to Mississippi. It shows in our words, cooking, and mannerisms. My mom, Pixie, oozes Southern charm. I think it’s what landed her my dad.

I pour them both a healthy glass filled to the brim with ice and sweet goodness. “All right, how about we say grace?” I ask.

“Grace,” Bolt blurts automatically.

His outburst makes me laugh—it’s an old joke. I peer over at Jamie. The sneer of contempt that curves his lip up makes me frown.
Is this what everyone else has been seeing? Maybe he does play a role for me.
My stomach knots. If someone in KOC saw this, they’d bust him down in a heartbeat.
What have I gotten myself into?

He catches me watching him and quickly turns his frown to a smile.

Does he find all of my family so distasteful?
“You’re going to be forty and still doing that bit,” I say, ignoring Jamie.

“It makes you laugh every time,” Bolt counters.

“It does,” I agree, happy to see his real smile. Four more months and Shadow would be home to help him with the things I didn’t rate to. I could nurture, guide, and teach him many things, but how to be a man wasn’t one of them. He needs his father.

“How was school today?” Jamie asks.

We turn toward him.

The smile fades from Bolt’s face. “It was school.”

“One more year, kiddo,” I say apologetically.

“Then what do you intend to do, Bolton?” Jamie asks.

I cringe. Only a select few can get away with using his full name.

“It’s Bolt, and I don’t know. Why are you so concerned about it?”

“Bolt,” I say, begging him to be nice with my eyes.

“I was just trying to make conversation,” Jamie replies.

“I’m going to do what my father did, and my grandfather did, and my great grandfather did…be prospected,” Bolt answers, and narrows his eyes.

I could practically hear him daring Jamie to say something.

“Hmm,” Jamie mutters.

Bolt tenses up.

I intervene. “How about we dish up some of this food before it gets cold?”

“Sounds great, Aunt Blue,” Bolt replies.

We limp our way through dinner with stilted small talk. By the time I gather the dirty dishes, I feel like a referee. “You got homework tonight?” I ask Bolton.

“Nope, got a test to study for though, so I’ll be in my room.” He leans in, places a kiss on my cheek, and heads down the hall.

“Your nephew seems like a good kid,” Jamie says, joining me a few minutes later.

“He is,” I reply with a huge smile. The pride swells in my chest, and warmth spreads through my body. I had a hand in raising this amazing young man.

“You think of him as your own,” Jamie says.

“You know I do.”

“What do you want for his future?”

“Whatever will make him happy. Above all in life you need to enjoy.”

“You believe that?”

“I know that.”

“Hmm. You put more thought into us?”

I sigh. “Jamie, you know how I feel about that.”

“I do, what I want to know is why the change of heart? We’ve been together a year, Blue. I ask you to marry me, and you bail? That’s not even like you.”

I want to tell him what I came to do that night, but I don’t have the heart. “I don’t think our worlds will ever blend harmoniously.”

“You never gave us a chance to. You kept me as far away from them as you could. I’ve briefly met your family a handful of times.”

“And you’re lucky for that. I wanted to spare you from the invasive questioning, cold stares, and tests.”

“I never asked you to do that,” Jamie retorts.

A headache begins to form in my temples. I scrub the plate harder than necessary and take deep breaths. It’s not fair for me to take out my stress on Jamie. The man has been nothing but supportive, and helpful. I don’t know why I’m letting everyone else get inside my head. “You’re my best friend, Jamie. You know that. I just think maybe we’re better off staying that way. You want things I don’t think I can give you.”

“You were giving them to me just fine before.”

“No, we were still figuring things out. When you wanted to get serious, and this thing happened with my sister, it all became clear. My loyalty can’t be to you first.”

“The kid has one more year of school, and he’s done. Plus, isn’t his father coming out soon?”

“Did I say he was the sole reason? You need my loyalty to be to you first. I’m not sure I can do that.”

“Your family can’t keep you warm at night or give you babies, Bluebell. I know you want that. I see it in your eyes when you’re with children.”

The man I’m meant to be with will fit into my world. Our days doing this dance are numbered whether he wants to admit it or not.
The thought fills me with peace. It’s time to put this to bed. With my family behind me, and Bolt depending on me, I couldn’t afford to let guilt get in the way anymore.