A Proscriptive Relationship (40 page)

“
I’m not,” I responded stubbornly.

“
I’ll continue then. You’re horrible with eye contact, you get jealous easily, you’re easily riled up . . .” He paused. “But you’re also very kind, and everyone who meets you loves you, and you’re so incredibly understanding. You don’t judge people by what they’ve done.” When he said the last words, his expression softened considerably as he looked at me.

Once more, I had to look away. That look was too . . . intimate. “What about me being the replacement? I thought—”

“
Holly, you stopped being the replacement that day when I was driving you home and we were talking about our parents. That’s when I realized you were different than the other Holly. You cried for me, something the other Holly probably would have never done. From that moment on, I viewed you as Holly Evers. I haven’t thought of you as a replacement since that night. You could never be a replacement. I’m ashamed to think that at first I used you and I’m incredibly sorry about that. I felt guilty about it every day.”

“
Why couldn’t you have just told me all of this earlier?”

He raised an eyebrow. “You mean before you ran away from me in the hospital without letting me explain? There was hardly enough time.”

“
I really thought you were just using me as a replacement,” I told him, lowering my eyes and clenching my fist. “I thought everything that happened between us was just a lie. I thought you used me. It . . . hurt.”

“
Holly, do you really think I’m that kind of man?”

I looked up back into his gray eyes. Did I? Immediately my eyes filled with tears and I shook my head. “No! I don’t think that at all,” I responded, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry, Mr. Heywood. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I . . .”

“
Holly,” he said with a sigh, grabbing my arm and dragging me closer to him. He put his arms around me and held in me a tight embrace. “See what I mean? You cry too easily.”

“
I’m sorry,” I apologized, grasping his shirt in my hands.

“
You shouldn’t apologize. It was all my fault. And I’m sorry too, I’ve made you cry again,” he said. “I seem to do that a lot.”

“
It’s not your fault.”

“
It is my fault.”

“
No it’s not,” I argued. “I’m the one who cries.”

“
But I’m the one who made you cry,” he insisted.

“
Technically you can’t make me cry . . .”

“
Holly, you know what I mean,” he responded and I imagined him rolling his eyes.

“
But—”

“
Holly, just shut up and enjoy my comforting embrace.”

Finally, I smiled a little, holding him tighter. The tension between us immediately ceased and I let out a small sigh. He pulled away eventually though and I resisted the urge to frown.

“
Holly, how exactly did you manage to get to your house? Did you walk?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. “That’s a long way.”

“
Oh, no, a cop drove me home.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “What? Why?”

“
No reason, I just happened to fall into her way,” I said honestly. I did fall into her way. Well, Shawn pushed me, but technically it’s the same thing.

Mr. Heywood narrowed his eyes. “You’re lying. Something happened.”

I looked at him in disbelief. “How do you know?”

“
I can just tell with you.”

“
Well stop, it’s annoying,” I complained making him laugh.

“
Maybe if you stopped lying to me, I wouldn’t have to. I’ve told you the truth, Holly. Don’t you think it’s fair to return the favor?”

Sure. Play the guilt card. I cleared my throat nervously. “Well, you know how Shawn was at the park?”

“
Yes.”

“
Well before I knew he was there, he called me using Lance’s cell phone, and we talked for a bit—”

“
About what?”

“
Stuff . . .”

“
Like what? Don’t beat around the bush.”

“
He, um, said now that you have the other Holly, that I should get with him. He thought I’d want to get back at you by doing that.”

“
He what?” Mr. Heywood said, sounding angry. “He just wants to use you as a replacement!”

“
I know that. But at least he had the decency to tell me right away.” Immediately I regretted letting those words slip out of my mouth. Mr. Heywood’s eyes flashed with sorrow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“
Holly, I don’t mind,” he cut me off. “I did use you as a replacement at first. I deserve every word.”

“
No you don’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I’d probably do the same if I was in your shoes. If the person I loved left me, I’d try to find a replacement too. Well, maybe not, but you know . . .”

He smiled. One of his rare, genuine smiles. Not a smirk. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“
What did you say to Shawn?” he asked after a moment.

As I remembered the words I said to him, a blush made its way onto my face again. Mr. Heywood raised an eyebrow.

“
Well?”

“
I just said I wouldn’t go with him,” I responded, editing out the embarrassing moments.

“
That’s obvious,” he said with a laugh. “Smart move.”

“
Shawn said he’d take me by force and he was coming to get me. That’s when I tried to leave, but he was waiting by the entrance—”

“
What?” Mr. Heywood interjected, his eyes widening. “Holly! Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”

“
Earlier we were arguing . . .”

“
But this is more important! Are you okay? What happened?”

I lowered my gaze again to the floor and cleared my throat once more before continuing. “He said Dan was bringing the car around, but the car that actually showed up was a police car so he shoved me away, and that’s how I ended up being taken home by the police.”

“
He tried to kidnap you?” Mr. Heywood said, narrowing his eyes. “Are you telling the truth?”

“
I wouldn’t lie about this!”

“
We have to tell the police,” he said suddenly, looking around the living room. “Where’d I put the phone?”

“
What? No!” I cried, grabbing onto his arm. “If you’re involved, won’t you go back to jail?”

“
Holly, your safety is more important than whether I go to jail or not! I should’ve called the cops from the very beginning!”

“
No. If you go to jail I’ll feel like it’s my fault!”

“
This is all my fault,” he told me flatly. “Don’t think for one second that any of this is your fault.”

“
It’s my fault for running away in the middle of the night when I know there are gang members after me!”

“
It’s my fault for getting you involved in the first place.”

“
Don’t call the police!”

“
But Holly—”

“
If you go to jail then I won’t be able to see you,” I said, grasping onto his arm tighter. “I don’t want that.”

He tensed up, looking at me with an unreadable expression. After a moment he put a hand to his head and sighed deeply. “Why?”

“
Why?” I repeated in confusion. “Why what?”

“
Why would you put me not going to jail over your safety?” he demanded.

“
It’s not fair that you have to go to jail for nothing just like the first time! I don’t want to see you going back. If you go back, we won’t be able to see each other and the school would be losing everyone’s favorite biology teacher,” I rushed, squeezing his arm. “I understand you want to help me, but I’m going to be extra cautious. So please don’t call the cops.”

“
You don’t understand, Holly,” he responded. “You’re in danger.”

“
I don’t care,” I responded defiantly.

 “
Are you stupid, Holly?” he asked, suddenly angry. “I worry every day about your safety when you aren’t around me. I’m always scared that something’s going to happen to you when I’m not around to save you.”

He thought about me that much? I blushed slightly, clearing my throat. “But I—”

“
Hearing you say you don’t care just makes me more troubled,” he continued, cutting me off. “I don’t want you putting yourself in danger to help me. I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me—which you don’t seem to understand.”

“
But I do understand,” I argued.

“
Then let me call the cops.”

“
No!” I said, frustrated. “You’re not calling the cops! I won’t let you!”

“
Holly—”

“
Please,” I begged, holding onto his arm even tighter. “I don’t want you going to jail! I promise I’ll be careful, so, please!”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. Finally he sighed, gently pulling his arm free from his grasp. “I’m sorry, this isn’t up for discussion.”

“
You can’t!” I cried.

“
Why not?”

“
Because I’m in love with you!”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I gasped, feeling blood rush to my face. Mr. Heywood’s eyes widened slightly in surprise and either my eyes were betraying me or his cheeks were coloring as well. I quickly averted my gaze, my heart pounding a mile a minute. Nausea rolled over me and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

I had just confessed . . . by accident. That wasn’t what I was going to say. I didn’t want to tell him like that! I was too afraid to look at Mr. Heywood. He probably felt
very
uncomfortable now. Tears were prickling at my eyes again, but this time from embarrassment. I had messed up the most important thing: my confession of love. I wanted it to be like one of the moments in a movie. But no, I had to be my stupid self and ruin it. I quickly rubbed the back of my hand against my eyes.

“
Holly,” Mr. Heywood groaned, exasperated. “What are you doing?”

I knew it. He thought it was a ridiculous confession. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, rubbing my eyes again. “I didn’t mean to say that. It just slipped out.”

“
Not that,” he said. “Why are you crying again? Where do you even get all these tears from?”

“
Huh?” I stared at him with a frown. What about what I had just told him? Wasn’t he going to respond?

He brought a hand up to my face and wiped away a few stray tears. “That’s better. Don’t cry.”

“
Um . . . what about . . . what I said?”

“
What you said?”

“
Y-you know,” I stammered. “What I
just
said.”

“
I don’t remember . . .”

I stared at him in disbelief. He had to be kidding. He returned my look with a serious one, tilting his head to the side questioningly. He wasn’t kidding. Unbelievable. I couldn’t repeat myself after that. It was too embarrassing!

He suddenly snickered, but he quickly covered it up with his hand. I gave him a flat look. He grinned, shaking his head. “Just kidding, I heard you, Holly.”

“
I take it back. I actually hate you.”

He laughed once more, but then sighed. “I didn’t want you to say it yet, Holly,” he told me, shaking his head.

I looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“
I knew how you felt about me, but I didn’t really expect you to actually say it. I didn’t want you to say it.”

Wait, what? Why didn’t he want me to say I loved him? Suddenly I felt like I was going to be sick again. My chest clenched uncomfortably. What was that supposed to mean? He didn’t want me to love him? But didn’t he hint that he loved me too?

“
Oh,” I said in realization. “It’s the other Holly, isn’t it?”

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “What is?”

“
You don’t want me saying that because you’re with her, right?

“
What are you talking about?”

“
Aren’t you back together with the other Holly?” I asked.

“
What? No,” he responded, staring at me like I was crazy. “Where would you even get that idea from?”

“
You’re not together? But you had dates—”

“
Holly, I already told you they weren’t dates. I was just visiting her because she stopped in town for a while,” he told me.

“
But you love her right? That’s why you said you never stop loving someone,” I prodded.

He smiled. “There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.”

I blinked in realization. So he loved the other Holly, but wasn’t in love with her. Another blush forced its way into my face. I had said I was in love with him . . . Had he caught that, right?

“
Besides, she’s already engaged.”

“
What?” I said in shock, looking up at him. “She’s engaged?”

He nodded. “I don’t know the guy, but the reason she’s back in town is because she’s delivering wedding invitations in person. She gave one to me.”

“
Then why is she in the hospital?” I had assumed she had some kind of illness.

“
Oh, she was mugged the other night and she cracked a few of her ribs,” he explained.  “At first I thought it was Shawn, but she says she didn’t recognize her assailants.”

Shawn’s words echoed in my head.
At least you’re the right Holly this time.
I stared at Mr. Heywood with my mouth open. Now I knew what Shawn meant. But why wouldn’t Holly tell him what happened? Did she want to keep it a secret?

“
Holly, you look like you’re in shock,” Mr. Heywood said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t get me wrong—you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear what you said. But the thing is, you’re seventeen and I’m twenty-two.”