A Reason To Stay (18 page)

“And she would rather make everyone miserable than to let one of us be happy?” Elise was well aware of her mother’s selfishness.

“I’m sure she had her reasons, but it made him sick. I told him she wouldn’t do anything as rash as leaving the country, but your mother was unstable. No one could predict what was going through her mind. But he stayed close enough to keep tabs on you girls, without anyone finding out.”

A thought came to Elise’s mind with the clarity of glass. “Did he ever come to the playground at my school?”

“Yes, every chance he got. But your mother called one day and told him it better not happen again.”

“Yeah, me and my big mouth. I told her I saw him.” Elise shook her head, hating her mother the more she learned.

Diane rubbed Elise’s arm. “Honey, you were a little girl. You didn’t know.”

Tears welled in Elise’s eyes again as she thought about the tall man with the dark-rimmed glasses watching with a smile on his face. She missed out all her life with the one man that loved her more than any other. She never got to be daddy’s little girl.

“Why didn’t he ever come and get me when I turned eighteen? She surely didn’t have anything over him then.”

“He had foolishly talked himself into believing you hated him. He thought you lived a whole life with a mother who probably lied about him each day of it, and if he reached out to you, you would turn him away. In a way, it was easier for him to never know how you felt.”

The notion of her dad dying thinking that broke her heart. All she ever wanted, when she was a little girl, was to see those car lights shine in her bedroom. She had kept a secret bag of her own packed under her bed, for the very moment. If he ever came back, she was going to leave with him if she had to hide in his trunk.

Elise wiped away another renegade tear from her cheek. “I wanted nothing more than to know him. I assumed he had left and found another family. At least that’s the lie my mother placed in my head.”

“I tried to find you when Henry became ill, but all that your neighbors knew was that you didn’t live in Kentucky anymore.”

“I moved to California after graduation.”

“So then you went to college?” A small smile appeared on her face.

“Yes, UCLA. I’m a computer programmer for a major medical company.”

Diane crossed her arms over her chest with a look of complete satisfaction. “Henry would be so proud. I don’t mind telling you that he paid for your tuition.”

“What? Mom told me it was her money. In fact, she reminded me every time she could.”

Diane shook her head. “Henry sent money every month to raise you two girls. By the way, what is Melanie doing? I heard she had children.”

“She’s a nurse and yes, she has two children.”

The thought of Ben sitting outside suddenly came to her mind. “Oh, no. I’m with someone. I mean, he’s outside waiting for me.” She jumped up and went to the window. He was sitting in the truck, looking toward the house.

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” She looked at Diane and fought away the depression that weighed heavy on her chest.

“I’m so glad you came, Elise.” Diane walked over and hugged her. Elise liked it. It came with no pretentions or force. The woman genuinely liked her, she knew it.

“I wish Dad...” Her face frowned despite her mind’s willpower to stop it from doing so. The frown triggered an outburst that had laid dormant for all her life. She squeezed Diane tightly, not wanting to be released. Short spurts of gasps came from deep inside. Why was she being such a crybaby?

Elise un-gripped the lady’s blouse and straightened her own shirt. After collecting herself, she walked toward the front door. She turned while holding the knob.

“Hey, wait a second. I have something for you.” Diane jogged back to a room down the hall. She came out holding a frame and handed it to Elise.

“It’s your dad when he was younger. I’m sure your mother doesn’t have any to give to you.”

Elise touched his face through the glass. He was just as she remembered all those times in her mind. His soft smile lit up her world every night he would come home from work. He would stop at Melanie’s playpen and kiss her head and then make a direct line to Elise and toss her up in the air until she squealed like a pig. Then he would make an airplane noise and land her on the sofa. He was her hero. Always.

“Thank you, Diane. I’m glad I came and got to meet you. And thanks for taking care of my dad. I’m glad he had someone who loved him.”

“Please come back and visit. I would love to see you again.”

“I’ll try.”

Elise pulled the door open and made the long walk back to Ben’s truck. She tried to think of something that would take away her sadness. Emotions were not something she could handle on the way home with someone who was her second biggest regret in life.

Ben stepped out the truck. His stoic face seemed to be trying to read her.  He walked to the passenger side and opened her door. She never looked into his eyes. The shock hadn’t worn off yet and her happy place couldn’t be found. Where was that happy place, anyway?

He walked back to his side and opened the creaky door. She stared straight ahead, hoping he’d start the engine and catapult her back home. Instead, she felt his eyes watching her. She couldn’t look at him. What if she broke down again? Talking about it just might cause such an emotional circus.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just give me a little while and then I’ll try to tell you about it.” She kept her eyes focused on a gray squirrel standing on the sidewalk. Only threads were left of her tight ball of composure. One pull and she was done for.

“That’s fine.” He turned the ignition and pulled out to return back home.

Elise concentrated on the sound of the truck. The vibration under her feet coincided with the low rumble it made while changing gears. The metal corners of the picture frame were leaving indentations on her fingers, due to the fact she was holding it so tightly against her. The steady breeze blowing in the truck smelled like rain. And the traffic was kind enough to allow for a fixed pace back home.

Thirty minutes into their ride, Elise had time to water down the sensation she’d had back at her father’s house. She hoped she could make it through the details without crying. She cleared her throat and searched for the exact words it would take to remove the sting from admitting her father was dead. Something she could say without consciously knowing she was saying it.

“My dad died two years ago.” A compression of air released from her chest. Wasn’t there something else that could have been said that didn’t come out using a double-edged sword?

Ben looked over at her as the truck swerved off the edge of the yellow stripe. He corrected it and mashed his hand to his head.

“Elle, I’m sorry.” He rested his head on his hand.  She figured he didn’t know what to say. What could he say?  There was nothing left. No more questions of why.

“That’s all right.” She bit her lip, making it hurt a little to distract the tsunami of feelings that tore through her body. Something had to be done to block them from coming out.

“Do you want me to pull off so we can talk about it?”

“Lord, no. I just need to get home. I’m trying my best not to come apart, right now. Focusing on my feelings would not be good. If I show the slightest amount of weakness, they will overcome me and tear me apart.”

“It’s not good to keep your feelings bottled up. Who was that woman at the door?”

“It was his wife. He evidently married her after he divorced Mom.” She looked out the window at the fields whipping by them. The expansive space called to her to come run in them. To get lost in the golden rods of grain. “She’s really nice.”

“Well, that’s good. Did she say why he didn’t look for you?”

“She said Mom threatened him to stay away. It seems she would have taken me and Melanie out of Kentucky if he tried to contact us.”

“What? That’s awful.” Ben tried to make eye contact, but the road demanded his attention.

“Do you mind driving me over there?”

“Over where?”

“Over to her house. I want to confront her.” She gritted her teeth as her chest heaved up and down quickly. Thoughts of mounting her on a target board flashed in her mind.

“Elise, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I mean, you might say things you would regret, if you had time to think about it.”

“Fine, I’ll drive myself.” Determination sat on her face like a title cup already won.

“I’ll take you. I just think you need to think about what you’re going to say. It’s hard to take things back.”

“I don’t plan to say anything I’d ever take back. I might even forget half the things I want to say to that woman.” Her heart was beating in triplicates.

As the road stretched before them, so did her heart rate, slowing to every third broken line instead of each one. Her mind jumped aimlessly to different childhood instances that she regretted not knowing her father. Stolen moments, compliments of her dear mother. These moments kept her occupied, keeping their hour left of driving a quiet one. Elise ignored the vibration of her phone in her back pocket. There was no way she could have spoken decently to anyone on the other end.

“Do you mind if we stop and eat lunch?” Ben asked, breaking the silence in the cab of the truck. “I don’t know if I can wait.”

“I don’t care.” Hunger couldn’t rival her instinct to snap her mother in half.

Ben pulled off an exit ramp and drove through a fast food line. Elise requested a small fry and a large Coke, figuring she needed nourishment if she was going to properly seize her mother. Ben placed the order and picked the food up at the next window. He pulled into a parking space and they began to eat.

“Thanks for taking me today, Ben. I know you had a lot to do.” The fries were salty and tasted good.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” His look of complete satisfaction eased her troubled spirit. He had that way about him.

They finished eating in the parking lot, their windows rolled down. The arm she had rested on the window sill felt like it was getting a burn from the sun, although it didn’t concern her. Even the problem of her attraction to Ben seemed to be taking second place to the premeditation of killing her mother.

They made their way back to Bowling Green, Ben cutting through shortcuts to Lyla’s house. He pulled up in front and put the truck in park. A large black cloud had beat them there, ominously hanging over the house. Elise rubbed her legs and turned the picture of her dad over, looking at it before getting out.

Leaning into the open window, she said, “This shouldn’t take long.”

The Toyota of her mother’s boyfriend was sitting in the driveway. Elise felt sorry for that poor sucker, at the moment. Innocent bystanders would receive no sympathy for what she was about to say. What she
had
to say. Her steps competed with her sharp breaths. The sudden strong wind from an ensuing storm blew hard against her, giving the extra courage she needed to confront her mother.

“Mother,” she shouted after swinging the front door open.

“Elise? We’re in the family room. Come on back.” Her unsuspecting voice carried to the front of the house.

Elise kept her shoes on, stomping to the back area. Frank was holding her mother’s legs and they both scrambled to sit up.

“Don’t bother moving. I won’t take long.”

Her mother tried to study Elise’s face. “Elise this is Frank. He’s my...”

“Save it, Mother. I don’t give a shit who he is to you.” Daggers formed in the middle of Elise’s pupils, her tongue moved like a copperhead, waiting to strike. “I’ve met too many people today. People you know and failed to introduce me to.”

“Who are you talking about and why are you acting so hateful, Elise? I didn’t raise you this way.” She had no idea the storm had just walked into her front door.

“Diane Newton, Mother. Do you know her?” She waited for her mother’s reaction. A jerk of realization in the nod of her head.

Lyla’s look said what she was unable to. “Where did you meet her?” The tone moved from fake to direct.

“I went to her house. It was lovely, really. And surprisingly, it is only about an hour and a half away from here. It seems her and Daddy have lived there for the past twenty-some years. Were you aware of this?”

She didn’t wait for her mother’s irking, submissive answer. “Certainly you must have been, seeing that you gladly took the money he addressed to you every month, with his return address on the envelope. Did you hate me that much, Mother, to not allow me to know him? Well congratulations, your mission is over. He’s dead. I will never know him.”

“Frank, could you get me a drink, dear? Give me a minute with my daughter.” She waved her hand, pointing him in the direction of the other room.

The poor man looked like a victim of a drive-by shooting. He sat like an opossum, playing dead until the gunfire was over. It was an exercise in resilience of the family drama known as the Newtons.

“Don’t bother, Frank.” Elise retorted, not moving her stare from Lyla. “Mother, I’ve said all I need to. Except for the request, or rather, invitation not to ever communicate with me again. As far as I’m concerned, when you put me on a plane twelve years ago, that meant for me not to come back. Consider your wish granted.”

Elise stormed out and slammed the door behind her. Her heart rate was in the danger zone of any EKG machine, as she shook from the confrontation. Her legs felt entirely made up of cartilage, bending dangerously off skew with each step she made. She just had to make it to Ben before she collapsed from the trauma her little rant did on her body. The only thing holding her together was her adrenaline and the order of fries to back it up.

Stray debris from the neighbor’s house tumbled over the grass as she ran to Ben’s truck. The storm was blowing in with a vengeance. Dirty-colored gray clouds hung in the sky above the town. Her phone kept buzzing in her pocket. She took it out and held it until she got in the truck and then shoved it in her bag.