A Reason To Stay (17 page)

“The truth doesn’t change history. I’m still where I am and you are still where you are.”

He turned to her quickly. “But it changed our future, Elle. I never stopped loving you. I want you in my life now as much as I did back then.”

“Ben, I’m not exactly available. There’s someone else.” There she said it. The ghost of a boyfriend sighting had been confirmed. It was like identifying her illegitimate child.

“Is it serious? Do you love him?” His eyes drooped from her admission.

“I’m not sure.” Why couldn’t she ever just be straight? She knew the answers to those questions.

“Elise, you know if you love him or not.”

“Fine. He all but asked me to marry him last week.” She looked out her window, wishing she were one of the commuting travelers coming and going at the tiny store. What she wouldn’t give to be out of that truck and into another time in her life. Somewhere next week, when she was home and safe from the truth that was single-handedly holding her down and letting Ben have his way with her.

Tiny crinkles etched themselves into Ben’s forehead. He looked out the window at a van full of tourists returning from stretching their legs. Shock must have taken his ability to communicate. Elise didn’t move. What crazy thing would she say next? That she was prepared to marry the guy who kept calling and texting her, at the Little Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada? In two weeks?

“What did you say when he asked you?” he asked with a clenched jaw, keeping his gaze averted.

“He was smart enough not to actually ask. He did it in a suggestive way. Kind of like what would I say if he did ask.”

Ben seemed uneasy with her honesty. Or, maybe it was her replay of another man wanting to marry her. Wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. “What did you tell him, Elise?”

“I said that I couldn’t give him any more than I had. Which was a couple week nights and some weekends together.” It felt so shallow and lame hearing it come out of her mouth.

“And he’s
still
calling you?”

“He said he’d do anything to just be with me.” She lowered her head in a cowardly fashion, ashamed of how she treated Darren.

“Whoa, that guy’s hooked. So, tell me what’s holding you back from just marrying him? Do you love him or just love torturing him?”

“I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t.” The question was preposterous to Elise.

“So, why the space game, then?”

“I don’t like commitment. Let’s give a big thanks to my darling mother for that one. ‘Leave him before he leaves you, Elise.’” She mocked her mother’s southern drawl. “Or maybe I can put that on my dad’s tab. You know the scar that runs twenty years deep of me holding onto his knees begging him not to leave me. And him never coming back. Or maybe all the letters I put in the mailbox, saying how sorry I was for whatever I did to make him leave and then finding that my mother was pulling them out and putting them in the trashcans by the street. I’m seriously messed up from both of them.”

She turned her head so he wouldn’t see her eyes welling with tears. Why couldn’t they just teleport back to the year and moment Ben was holding her on the blanket beside the creek? The sun was going down and the earth was happy to have relief from the humidity of the hot July day. The ground was warm and their bodies were dry from the swim. They had just made love and he rolled on top of her, straddling the sides of her legs. “Elise, run away with me. We’ll get a ranch in Texas and you can work for some computer company and I’ll train horses. Let’s do it.”

Elise pulled him down and kissed away the seriousness that spouted out of him. “Sure, maybe we’ll have little computer geeks running around, too.”

“Bite your tongue. I want cowboys that I can train to take over one day, like my dad has done with me.”

That time of her life was over. The hurt of leaving was behind them and now all she had was a shot at meeting her dad and repairing whatever it was she broke twenty-five years ago. He could hold the key to her understanding why she was who she was. And how maybe one day, she could release the notion that she was going to be left again.

“Ben, can we just go?”

He put the truck in gear and continued down the exit and back onto the freeway. The only sound in the cab was the high pitch whistle from the wind pushing inside the tiny crack of her window. Elise strained her left eye to see Ben’s face, not wanting to turn her head. Miles of thinking hounded them both. It felt like an eternity until their exit to Clarksville. The turn signal was a welcome new sound.

As they approached the green light that led through the main street of the tiny town, Ben sat up straighter in his seat, his mind probably preoccupied with finding his way. Elise’s voice startled his concentration. “Do you remember where it is? What did the house look like?”

“I’ll know it when I see it. It’s a large white house with red shutters. I spent about twenty minutes outside of it when I came last. It has a black pole outside with an antique carriage light that sets on top. The house numbers are painted gold and swings on a sign from it.” He slowed down, looking left and right.

Elise’s palms sweated and her blood pressure spiked. She was minutes from her father. Soon the veil would be lifted from her past and the missing piece would be found.

“I hope he still lives here,” Ben said.

“What? You didn’t check?” Anticipation began leaking from her excitement.

“Well, why would he have moved? He’s an old man.”

“Ben, he could have. I can’t believe you didn’t check. I’m going to be so disappointed if I don’t get to see him.”

“There it is.” He pointed to the house. Elise sat up straight and took a deep breath. Ben pulled in front, across the street and turned off the truck. “Do you want me to come in with you?”

“No, I would like to do this alone, if you don’t mind.” She bit her lip, knowing it was a lot to ask for him to wait in the truck.

“Not at all.” He touched her hand gently. “You’ll be fine, Elise.”

She drew in enough air to sustain a fifteen-foot freefall jump into oblivion, before opening the door. After closing her eyes and saying a small prayer, she crossed the street and walked up the sidewalk to the house that hopefully housed her father.

She turned around, looking at Ben before knocking on the imposing red door. He gave her a look of confidence to sustain her. She turned and knocked four short loud-enough knocks. Her knees shook and her breaths were shallow. The thought of no one being home crossed her mind until she heard the knob turn.
Ahhh
, this was it!

A woman who looked her mother’s age opened the door. Her graying hairdo was stylish and her outfit seemed to be catalog purchased through J. Crew. A sensible lady, indeed. Nothing came out of Elise’s mouth. A million thoughts clotted the section where her conversation skills were normally found. Who was she to her dad?

“Oh, my Lord,” the woman said, putting her hand over her opened mouth. “Elise?”

Elise stepped back, suddenly feeling as though she had entered the Twilight Zone. “How do you know who I am?”

“Henry kept your picture on our mantel. Of course, it’s you when you were little, but I’d recognize your eyes anywhere. Come in.” She ushered Elise inside.

Their home was beautiful. In the open foyer sat a simple white bench with a spray of wild flowers in a tall container on the floor beside it. The blue-green paint color instantly relaxed Elise, and her hostess made her feel right at home. She took her into a formal living room off the front hallway. Pillows with various botanical species were tossed on yellow overstuffed sofas. A decorative empty birdcage stood prominently in the corner of the cheery room that smelled like lilacs.

“Have a seat.” The lady showed Elise the two sofas to pick from. She sat on the opposite one of Elise’s choosing. “I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Diane Newton.” She didn’t take her eyes off Elise.

“I take from your last name that you married my father.” Elise sat on the edge of the sofa and kept up her guard.

“Yes, I did. Twenty-four years ago.”

Elise did some quick calculating in her head. “That’s about the time he left me...I mean my family, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” She lowered her gaze.

“Are you the reason he moved away?”

“Has your mother told you anything?” Diane met her eyes with strange alertness, waiting for the answer.

“My mother has never mentioned his name except to tell me how he abandoned us, never sent money to support us, and was your basic dead-beat dad. No pertinent information, if that’s what you meant.”

Diane’s lips pinched together; she was possibly forcing them shut to prevent saying something she’d regret. Or maybe just the word ‘no.’ She shifted on the sofa, lifting up her lower half partially, to untwist her cotton pants. Elise sensed there was a closet full of skeletons not too far away.

“Is he here?” Elise’s heart pounded inside her.

Her new stepmother’s color went gray as her eyes locked into position on Elise. “Oh, my gosh. You came here to find him, didn’t you?”

Elise sensed a problem with that. The invisible connection with her dad panged within her spirit. Something was wrong, and she felt his link fading, despite being so close to all the things that belonged to him. Things she knew he had touched and looked at a million times.

“Yes,” she said, barely audible. Her throbbing heart slowed its pace.

Diane stood up and moved next to Elise, putting her hand on her leg and looking into her eyes.

“Honey, he died two years ago. I’m so sorry.”

The floor jerked underneath Elise’s feet. The world stopped rotating for a moment as the universe went black in her mind. Her nose began to burn and her eyes started to sting. The words echoed in her head. She was too late. She looked at the ceiling, trying not to allow the tears to pool inside her lids. She didn’t want them to spill onto her cheeks. She glanced at Diane. One tear had escaped her determination and streamed down her face, and that was all it took. Elise put her face into her hands as Diane squeezed her tight.

“He would have loved seeing you so much, honey. He loved you,” Diane said, wiping away one of her own tears.

Emptiness took hold of Elise as she rocked back and forth. It was like losing him all over again. She remembered him holding tight to her, not wanting to let her go. She would never get a chance to feel him ever again. The taillights of their family car was the last image she had of him, and they came to her mind then.

She used the open palm of her hands and wiped her eyes. Diane pulled a tissue from the sofa table behind them and handed it to Elise. She took one for herself and dabbed her eyes. They sat in silence with their own memories and pain.

“How did he die?” Elise could barely say the words.

“He died of lung cancer.”

Oh, Lord. It was a painful death. He must have had time to reflect on all his regrets and still never tried to find her. She didn’t understand it.

“Did he ever want to find me?”

Diane straightened up a bit on the couch. “When your mom and dad first separated, he wanted joint custody. But when he mentioned it to your mother, she threatened him that if he tried to make any contact with you girls, she’d take you and your sister and leave the country.”

Elise looked at her in utter disbelief. Emotions of sadness quickly changed to anger.

“How do you know this? Were you around at that time?” Elise backed away from her to absorb her body language as well as her verbal communications.

“I was mutual friends with both of them. After Henry asked for a divorce, we started dating. I don’t want to say anything bad about your mother.” She looked down at the bleached hardwood floor and became quiet.

“Please, I need to know the truth.”

“Henry just wasn’t happy. He tried to please Lyla, but...” Diane stood up and walked to the window. She stroked her neck and seemed like she was back in the moment it all happened.

“And? I need to know. Please continue.”

“After you were born, Lyla accused Henry of loving you more than her.” She turned to Elise and tried to soften what had just come out of her mouth. “I had heard of men who were jealous after their wives had children, you know, because the mother gives all her attention to the new baby?” She looked at Elise for some kind of agreement. “But Lyla went into depression after you were born.”

Diane went back to the sofa and sat beside Elise again, placing her worn hand on her leg.

“Honey, I don’t want you to think you did anything wrong. Some women have post-partum.” She sat back and continued. “Things went a little better after her mother moved in with them and helped take care of you.”

“Her mother? I didn’t know my grandmother.”

“She died in a bus accident right before Melanie was born. And then it seemed your mother got worse. Henry tried to keep it together, but it was impossible. After two years of what he called the miserable years, she kicked him out of the house. Shortly after, he asked for a divorce. But he wanted you girls. I mean, he wouldn’t have taken you without some kind of agreement. He just wanted to have you for shared time with her.”