A Reason To Stay (3 page)

“Hey, you. What’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be working or something?” He rarely ever called her during work. His heavy load at the hospital prevented him from having any free time during the day for social chit chat.

“I’m en route to my next check-up, as we speak.” She could hear his forced breathing pattern with each step he took. “I just had you on my mind and wanted to hear your voice.” His smile transcended through the telephone connection.

Elise swiveled around in her chair, twirling the strands of her hair. “Thanks, Darren. I enjoyed last night.” Thoughts of his hands all over her crept into her memory.

“So did I. Hey, I mentioned going away this weekend with you, but never got to finish the proposition. Please tell me you haven’t made plans. I’m tired of always waking up to find an empty side of the bed. Taking you away, I’d be sure to have you for at least forty-eight continuous hours.”

Elise took a head-start swallow, preparing herself to deliver the news that she had to fly away to the place that had almost claimed her life fifteen years ago. “Babe, about this weekend. I have to go back home.” Her eyebrows lifted. She was waiting for the twenty questions to come.

“Home? Kentucky, back home?”

“That’s the place. My sister needs me to go take care of my mother for a week. She’s getting foot surgery this Friday.”

“It would be almost impossible for me to take off on such short notice.”

Elise broke his audible thought process. “No, I’m not asking you to go. What I mean is, I’m just going to take a quick trip back, carry a few trays of food to Mom, and come back here. Then I can check off visiting for this decade and I won’t have to return for another ten years. I’ll be back sooner than you’ll know I’m gone.” She waited, hoping her unrehearsed itinerary sounded like it wouldn’t take her long at all. It almost had her convinced it wasn’t going to be as torturous as she feared.

“Are you sure you’re going to be all right? I know you don’t talk to your mother that much. I’ve sensed you have some tension when it comes to the subject.”

Tension was the G-rated terminology. A blimp couldn’t hold the bitterness she felt for her mother. “I will be fine. I haven’t seen my sister and her kids in forever, it seems. It will be fine.”

Did she say fine twice? It had been pointed out, once or twice in her life, that she used that telltale word too often in order to describe things that she definitely
wasn’t
fine with.

Darren was quiet. His hopes for the weekend suddenly diminished from his tone. “Okay, but I’ll see you tonight, right?”

“No, remember I have a late meeting?” His many requests to lay claim to her time had begun constricting her. This weekend, tonight, other nights.
That was it!
That was his flaw. She’d found it! He wanted to spend too much time with her. Holding a butterfly net around her like a steel cage. She never did well with constraints. Just a few weeknights here and there. No doubt, all the time they were spending together had been muddling her mind, making her want to spend more time with him. Could this be breakup material she could use against him?

“I just figured since I wasn’t going to see you for such a long time, I’d spend as much time with you as I could before you left. I could come over after your meeting, if you want.”

Was he crazy? Her home was her safe haven. A place where she hid from the world and all of its demands. Her place to retreat to when she felt like the hands of commitment were working their way up to her neck, bearing down on her windpipe. She couldn’t see him tonight. She needed as much time to mentally prepare herself for the visit home, as possible.

“I will call you, but I’m thinking tomorrow night would be better.” Bracing herself for his disappointed pout, she held on to the phone.

“Just call me when you get home. I don’t want to have to go through today with the thought that I won’t be able to talk to you either.” He gave a dramatic pause. “Please.”

She conceded, not wanting to upset him. “Okay. Have a good one.”

“I’ll try. I love you.” The words hung in the air somewhere between the hospital and the Franklin Office Park, waiting for someone to claim them, then return the sentiment.

She loved him. Deep down, she knew she did. She had felt the same suffocation only once before in her life. Why was it so difficult to admit this? Would he use it against her? And there was the scared shitless truth of the matter. He
would
use it against her. He would ask her, not just drop hints, to move in with him, and then what? Marriage? The mere word produced a small amount of bile in the back of her throat. It would all go up in smoke with the three words that scared her more than a carjacker sitting in her backseat with a cocked gun to her head.

“You, too.” There, she said it. The two words that always felt a little more comfortable than the prickly ones he had just said. After all, the words
did
imply what he said. Surely, he would feel validated with those just as well as the rope and chain,
I love you
jargon. Anyway, she had to start creating distance if they were going to go belly up soon. Not committing herself to fluffy, love conversation.

She quickly clicked off the phone and pulled a water bottle from her bag, chugging half of it, as if preparing herself for some type of tournament in life. She flipped her computer on and closed her eyes, waiting for it to boot up. She began emotionally planning for some of the situations she knew would present themselves back in her hometown.

First and foremost, Ben. The other guy, the first guy who provoked the feeling of anxiety in her. She had managed not to see him for the last four years. It hadn’t always been easy. It took a lot of lies to keep her from going back home to visit. A lot of lies about business trips and fake illnesses that had kept her feet planted safely in California. But it might be impossible to avoid him this trip. The town was small and it seemed that when you tried to avoid anything or anyone, that’s when they’d show up at gas stations and grocery store lines. She had to work on her I’m-not-fazed-by-you look. The one she didn’t own and could never practice enough in front of the mirror.

The fact was that he did faze her. He still lived inside her—his soul, a paperweight on her very own. Thoughts of him trapped her in a spider web of memories. His boyish smile, his flirty eyes, along with the sight of him shirtless, pulling her into the creek that was down from his house. She could even feel the breeze as she dropped her dress on the edge of the water and walked to him. His chest pressing close to her as his muscular arms encompassed her. They waded out until the tips of her hair floated on top the sparkly warm water. He slowly spun her around, kissing her passionately, moving from her lips to the part of her neck that made her eyes close with ecstasy. Her whole world rested inside him as he held her as tight as he could, reassuring her he’d never let her go.

“Miss Newton,” Janine quietly said, after clearing her throat.

Elise’s trance unlocked upon hearing the high pitch in her secretary’s voice. She was suddenly back in California, and a thirty-one-year-old software designer. The bright fluorescent lights of her office mutilated her dusky daydreams of Kentucky evenings back home. “Yes, Janine, what is it?”

“I scheduled your trip. You leave on the eight o’clock flight, Friday morning.”

“Thanks, Janine. Could you please confirm my late afternoon appointment for today?” Her computer had gone into sleep mode, never having received its password to begin work.

“Certainly.” She closed the door and scurried back to her desk.

Elise managed to do what she could to make it through the day and stay focused on her work. She finished her late appointment and drove home. The sun was falling fast below the rooftops as she drove through the maze of streets to her house. Her stomach had been growling for the last hour and she knew a frozen entree of whatever awaited her. She had driven past all the restaurants, just wanting to get home. She didn’t even turn her phone off vibrate, not being prepared to talk to Darren. She figured the later it became, the more ridiculous it would sound to go over to his house. After all, she never stayed two nights in a row. To stay again would have broken her unwritten non-commitment rules.

CHAPTER THREE

The Root of the Problem

Evening had managed to swallow the last bits of light, leaving the sky a shade of dusky purple. Elise’s headlights reflected off the bumper of a familiar BMW that sat outside her house. She held her breath, hoping it wasn’t who she thought it was. She swung into her driveway and flexed her best fake smile before climbing from the car and heading to the front door. Something to distract the worry that she feared lay deep inside her eyes.

Darren stood up from her porch step, holding a bouquet of crimson colored roses. His top two shirt buttons were undone and his blue paisley tie was pulled down from his neckline. The tiny cowlick by the part in his hair was tousled, a little messed up from the late hour. He had quite a grip on the flowers. White baby’s breath peeked around each bud. It wasn’t easy being irritated with someone holding twelve velvet long stems of perfection. He leaned over and kissed her a full-lip, sticky kiss. The kind that made her legs tremble.

“I’ve missed you more today than all of last week put together.” He took her bags and handed her the flowers.

She gave him what she hoped was a gracious smile and put her key into the front door lock. It was officially nine months and one day since they had begun dating. Pangs of ‘I told you so’ from her conscience fought with her heartstrings, and she was finding it difficult to think straight.

“You must have. What are the roses for? Didn’t we say I’d call?” She hoped she didn’t sound ungrateful. She just didn’t like unplanned dates. They tended to mess up groundwork for ensuing breakup speeches.

He helped her inside and set her bags on the sofa. The one with her laptop fell over on its side. “You did say you’d call. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I know I won’t see you next week or maybe I’m just completely crazy about you. I just had to see you tonight.” He picked her up after she laid the roses down and swung her around. His hug had all the intensity of a vice.

He set her back down and lifted her chin before consuming her with the kind of savory kiss you see at train stations before couples depart from one another. She came up for air and tried her best to avoid his stare. The one that tried to hold her to something.

“Darren, you’re crazy. I’m just going for a few days. I’ll be back, you know.”

He stood beside her, even though she tried to sidestep him a couple times. He ran his finger down her arm, keeping her close. That musky smell wafted to her nose. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you today. How our relationship hasn’t moved forward in a long time.”

Warning
: relationship talk in progress. Take no prisoners.
Abort, abort, abort
. “Darren,” she started, putting her hand up to deflect the commitment monster that was trying to eat her alive. “We are just fine.” She tried her best to finish this up as a one-sided conversation. “
I’m
fine. We go out, we stay over...” She shook her head, wanting to loosen some other positives of this non-committal thing they had going, out of her brain.

He put his finger to her lips. “
Shhh
, Elise. I know how you feel. But I never get the chance to tell you how I feel. Just let me get it out.”

She pressed her lips together, forcing her mouth to stay shut. She braced herself for the raw emotions she knew he had to release. Why was she so anti-emotion? They were like an allergy for which she had no antihistamine for treatment.

He led her to the sofa and pulled her down to sit. She fought it with all her might. Maybe a fire would erupt in the bedroom, or a meteor would crash down in her kitchen. Anything to avoid what he was about to say. She would gladly take these moments of shrapnel and ashes to work on her rebuttal.

He held her in his blue-eyed trance and the light squeeze of his large hands. The thought of his delicious lips kept drawing her eyes to his mouth. The five o’clock shadow on his face gave bristles to his cheeks, making him look more rugged than he actually was.

“I don’t see myself with anyone else in this world.”

Elise shifted, fidgeted, and sighed, all at the same time.

Darren laughed. “Is it that uncomfortable for you to talk about us?”

At this point, she’d be more comfortable standing in a bear cage wearing meat for clothing. “It’s not a topic I love to discuss.”

“I’ve taken note about that. But why? I thought all girls longed for their guy to bring them roses and then declare their undying love.”

“I guess you picked the wrong girl.” She said it, knowing this was soon going to end like all of her other relationships. Too close, too fast. Even if they had shared a flawless nine months together.

“I didn’t pick the wrong girl.” His tone was determined and his eyes squinted seriousness. “I picked the right one. The one I see in my head before I go to sleep and the one I hope to wake up to for all the mornings I have yet to live.”

Alert, alert, alert
. Huge indicator words coming at warp speed. Dodge the bullets of forever and ever and run home. But she was home. He cheated, he was in
her
refuge. The place she came to after she ran away from whoever was trying to tie her down to the train tracks of eternity.

She scratched her head, trying to bide time for the perfect response. Not too cold, not too jilted, just enough to squirm away until she could avoid him long enough to forget her.

“I’m not ready for more, right now.” She bit her lip, watching and waiting to see how he was swallowing her reply. When she saw nothing but his lifeless eyes and unmoving mouth, she pushed the blade in deeper and cringed. “I’m happy with what we have. I thought you were, too.”
Ha
, that was ingenious. Put him on the defense. Was he not happy?

“I am happy. I just wanted to show you that I’m totally committed to you. I don’t want you to think...” His voice trailed. Was he unable to find the right words? “I know you, Elise.” He blurted it past the song and dance he had started. He seemed to be moving in for the kill. “I know that anytime I talk about moving to the next step, your eyes glaze over and you find twelve reasons why you have to leave at that very moment.” Damn, he did know her.

His hold moved to her forearm, as she closed her eyes, wishing this mental torment would end. Chinese water torture had nothing over on talk of feelings and emotional outbursts. Maybe if she tore her clothes off, he’d shut up and they could make it until tomorrow.

“I want you to move in with me.” There, he said it. He might not have realized it, but he had tripped the switch for the imminent step in Operation Breakup. “What I really want to say is, ‘Will you marry me,’ but I think that would send you running away.”

He waited, still holding tight to her. His buttercream lips stayed parted, his blue eyes shifted to neutral, and the musk had completely gone to her head. Her eyes glazed over. She was having an out-of-body experience. Finally, someone had trapped her. She just might pass out if he didn’t stop with all the ‘move-ins’ and ‘marry me’s.’ Maybe that would be enough for him to stop. A 9-1-1 call of unconsciousness would surely do the trick.

Elise slid out of his grip and buried her face in her hands. Her underarms burned with spontaneous sweat. Silence loomed in the room like an unwelcomed guest. A flood of questions drowned all her senses. Why was she so messed up? Could she go through life blaming it all on her mom, or could she break this stupid genetic flaw and come to grips with why she always ran when someone got too close?

She stood up and paced in the middle of the room. Darren watched her, his hands folded into one another. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt someone else. He had no idea he was dating a serial killer of men’s hopes and dreams.

“Right now, I can’t give you any more than we have. Hell, by now, I would’ve broken up with you altogether. For some reason, I just can’t. But I can’t give you more. Not now. I know that’s not fair, because you want more. Just give me some space to try and figure it out.” She refused to stop walking. If she averted her eyes from him, it would be easier. She didn’t expect him to go down that easily.

He stood and moved in front of her, preventing her from completing her sprint on the imaginary gerbil wheel. His hands blanketed her shoulders. “Elise, I can go how fast or slow you need. I just want and need you to know I’m here to stay. And when you’re ready, I’m here waiting.”

She took a deep breath before looking up at him. His sincerity saturated her. She buried her head into his chest in order to stop from seeing the anguish in his eyes. He didn’t deserve this messy girl and all her problems. He deserved someone like he described earlier. A girl who would love to see a man waiting with roses. Elise loved it, she just couldn’t depend on it. Her mother didn’t raise her to put the need of a man anywhere in her life. Men couldn’t be trusted. Just look at her daddy. He was the first man to leave her.

Darren pulled back. “So, I guess you want me to go now?” His eyelids cradled a little more water than when he first started his declaration of his love to her.

“I guess so. Just give me a little space, Darren.” She walked away, not knowing where to go. She was already home.

He walked to the door and hung onto the knob, seemingly waiting for something. “I want to see you before you go, but if I don’t, be careful. Do you need a ride to the airport? I can switch my morning rounds with someone.”

“I’ve got it covered. Thanks, anyway.” She didn’t know how to end whatever this was.

He pulled the door open and turned back to look at her. “I’ll call you later.”

He hung his head and walked out the door. She couldn’t move. What had she done? Why couldn’t she just be normal? If she could only go back and erase that day from her life. The one that seemed to cause all of her future issues with men. She sat down and closed her eyes. Did she have to go back there? She tried not to remember the last day she had seen her dad. But maybe if she thought about it again, she’d remember something that could release her from the torment of commitment.

It was 1985 and she had just come home from school. She saw her daddy’s car in the driveway, which was very unusual for that time of day. She dropped her Strawberry Shortcake backpack by the front door and ran up the stairs as fast as she could. She could still hear the squeaks of the worn wood. The bedroom door was cracked and she peered inside. Her mother grabbed open the door and rushed out past her, running down the stairs.

Elise went inside and sat on the edge of the bed. Her pigtails sprung up and down from her bouncing. A suitcase was opened and he was putting clothes inside it from the dresser drawers. “Daddy, where are you going?”

“I’m going away, Elise.” He never stopped to look at her. A tear dropped onto the front of his blue shirt, staining it the color of wet ink.

“Where are you going?” she persisted, now more nervous than before. He never traveled for work.

“I have to go away for a long time. I can’t be here anymore.” His voice shook and remained low. He stood at the tall dresser, his back to Elise.

“Are you coming back?” Worry trembled on her lip.

He composed himself momentarily and started rushing in and out of the bathroom, throwing things into smaller bags. All the while ignoring the little girl who was beginning to cry, on the edge of his bed. He finally stopped and knelt down in front of her. He touched her hair, rubbing it fretfully.

“Honey, it has nothing to do with you or your sister. I love you with all my heart. My job has transferred me to another place, and I have to go.” He hugged her fast and stood up. He snapped his case shut and practically ran down the stairs with it.

“Daddy!” Elise screamed, as she tried her best to chase him down. Terror and fear stung the ears of anyone within twenty feet of their house. “Don’t go. We all want to go with you, Daddy!”

She ran down and glued her arms tight around his neck as he bent down to kiss Melanie. She remembered how he wept as he peeled her off him, never looking her in the eyes. He grabbed his bags and suitcase from the floor. Elise’s mother came from the kitchen and pulled her from his legs. Melanie stared from her playpen in the living room, drool leaking from her chubby lips.

“Elise, calm down and let him go.” Her mother’s nails scratched her arm, trying to restrain her. She broke free and ran outside, not feeling the burn right away. His car had pulled away from the curb and was making the right-hand turn that led him out of sight. She ran down the sidewalk, her breathing becoming too rapid and her feet stinging from the pounding on the cement. Sobs had mixed with physical fatigue and she couldn’t get to him in time. Her mother yelled from the front stoop of their house.

“Elise, get back in here now. You’re causing a scene.” She waited until Elise came back into their yard before shutting the screen door and going back inside.

Elise stayed on the front porch until it turned dark that night. She watched every set of car lights that drove down her street, hoping one of them was her daddy. But he never did return. She did think that a few times she had seen him out past the jungle gym equipment on her playground. When she mentioned it to her mother, she reassured Elise it was only her imagination.

They never talked about that day and it remained closed in Elise’s head. She attributed it to her problem with her mother, her father, and men in general. Her mother raised her two girls in the brainwashing that no man was ever going to stay with her. Mrs. Newton tried to look content in her chronic single status as the years went on, but Elise wondered if her mother ever regretted not allowing herself a second chance with love.