A Reason To Stay (10 page)

He popped the hood and examined the hundreds of greasy looking pieces.

“Well, she’s
your
wife.” Elise couldn’t help herself. It felt good to say it with pure shittiness wrapped all around it.

Ben looked up from the engine. “
Ex
-wife.”

“Whatever.” Elise rolled her eyes and stepped away from the car.

Ben straightened up so fast he nearly knocked his head on the hood. He walked right past awkward and stood two inches from her face. With barely enough time to react, Elise half-swallowed, not having enough time or space for a whole one. Her chin lowered and her back grew rigid. She wasn’t sure she liked what she provoked in him.

“Let’s have it, Elise. I’ve been waiting seven years for it. Hell, longer than that. What you got?”

She stepped back so she couldn’t feel his breath on her face. “I don’t know what you mean.” Lies tripped on their way out of her mouth.

He moved closer, recovering the steps she had added between them. “You know damn well what I mean. That’s why it’s taken you years for a visit back home, isn’t it?”

“Ben, I couldn’t care less what you suspect. I’m happy in California. I’ve been busy.” Why was
she
on the defense?

“I never asked if you were happy. I said let’s talk about why you haven’t been home.”

After he saw the kids were distracted by their games, he shut the driver’s side door.

“I haven’t been home because...” She stared into his eyes, knowing they always could read her. She tried again. “I haven’t been home because I didn’t want to.”

“Because I moved on. Isn’t that it?”

Wrong word play, my dear. “Moved on with my sister is more like it, Ben.” She had found her conviction with that declaration. This was therapy no sofa and psychologist could ever have been able to offer her.

Fire burned in his eyes. “What did you care? Oh, yes, I remember. I came home from my summer vacation and you were gone. By the way, thanks for the note.”

Elise closed her eyes, trying not to relive the moment she had imagined happened to him after she left. “I didn’t know what else to do.” Her volume dropped to almost a whisper. It carried regret with it.

“Did you think a note telling me you just couldn’t do it anymore would be a sigh of relief for me, Elise? A reason I could relate to?” He tried everything to make her look at him. He bent lower to look eye to eye. “Do it anymore? What the hell did that mean? Did ‘it’ mean love me? Stay here? Go to college? What the hell, exactly did ‘it’ mean?”

This was the firing squad she had envisioned. A one-man squad. Just enough to take her down. “I couldn’t stay and be what you wanted me to be.”

“What? What was I asking you to be?”

With her neck bent and her head facing the ground, she answered his necessary question. “Committed.”

He spun around. Dust from the gravel floated to the tops of his boots and settled. She looked up and saw he’d put his head in his hands. Before he could injure her anymore with his innocence, she continued her explanation.

“I knew what was next for us. I found the box in your room. I couldn’t let you ask me to marry you. I just couldn’t.”

“Why?” It was a reasonable question that took twelve years to hear the answer.

“I didn’t want to need someone. I had already fallen too far with you. I couldn’t lose myself completely. Look at Mom. She had nothing after my dad left us. I had to get out of here while I could, and go to school to support myself. I can’t depend on a man for that.”

“I would have never hurt you, Elle.” The reference made her eyes go shut. No one ever called her that except Ben.

“You wouldn’t have wanted to, but things happen. We’d have kids, then I’d feel trapped, then you’d end up leaving after all we’d do is argue.”

A minute drifted by. Time for reasons to digest appropriately. She watched her feet line up two rocks as he looked toward the sun setting in the trees.

“I’m not your father, Elise.”

“I know that.” Elise kept her eyes planted on those two rocks on the ground.

“It was rough for me, you know?” Sincerity bled from him like an open wound. “Dad died and I had no one. I couldn’t even call you, my best friend and lover. And Melanie listened as I broke down. She was there for me.”

Elise had no one to blame but herself, and for that reason, nothing came to mind for her to say.

“It’s not like it was planned. It just happened.”

Faith yelled from inside the car. Ben quietly returned to the front hood of the car, and Elise opened the door. “What, Faith?”

“Are we going?”

“In just a second. Draw a picture or something.”

She went back to where Ben was tinkering with the motor. She felt better and really bad, all at the same time.

“Why didn’t it work out?”

He looked up. His eyes made her grieve for the sadness that set deep inside them.

“I guess we both knew it was doomed from the start. Needing and wanting someone are two different things.” He took a second. “And she wasn’t you.” He clicked one last thing. “Go and give it a start. It should work.”

Concrete had settled into the soles of her shoes, and Elise couldn’t move. She couldn’t step out of this moment. The one that had seemed to be waiting all her life to get to. If only he could say it again. Then again, it didn’t matter if he did. Elise wouldn’t let herself dwell on it. In another fifteen seconds, she’d have to deny to herself that it ever happened. To her, Ben Hudson was a piece of her past. Done and buried, with a short epitaph on the marker: ‘Never Again.’

Elise got in, and after one turn, it started. He dropped the hood, the loudness startling her. He waved as he walked back to his truck. Elise took a deep breath before following him out of the park. What happened before was no longer a mystery for either one of them. But the future was still up for grabs.

CHAPTER EIGHT

The Blue Dress That Still Fits

Elise made it back to her mother’s house as Hildie was preparing to leave. The children ran directly to the television room and gave Elise a chance to check on her mother. Hildie was finishing up collecting all her crossword puzzle books and stuffing them in her free tote from the local library.

“I’ve gave her the white horse pill about an hour ago. I think it’s the one for infection. She wouldn’t take any painkillers.” Hildie shook her head back and forth.

“Thanks, Aunt Hildie.” Elise glanced at her mother, who was pretending not to listen to what they were saying. “I hope you enjoyed your visit today.”

“I did, but I’m ready to get home and see my cat. She’s probably wondering where I’ve been.” She kissed her sister’s forehead and touched Elise’s arm on the way out.

“Mom, I’m going to make the kids a sandwich. Do you need anything?”

Her mother looked up from the newspaper. “No, you take care of them. I’m not hungry just yet.”

“All right then. Just yell if you need something.”

Elise went to the kitchen and pulled out a couple slices of bread. After she smeared them with peanut butter and jelly, she went to the cabinet where the cups were stored. Her stomach growled and soon churned angrily when she smelled the tuna in the trashcan, directly below. She grabbed her phone and messaged Melanie to bring them something to eat on her way home. Lunch was anything but satisfying.

The kids had finished their dinner and were tired from the busy day, resting in the den, watching television. Elise had helped her mother to the bathroom on her wobbly crutches and they were both on the sofa watching a sappy love story on television when Melanie arrived. It was around seven thirty.

“Don’t let me interrupt,” Melanie said, carrying in a large take-out bag from Angela’s House of Pizza, juggling to keep her purse on her shoulder.

Elise jumped up to help her sister. Melanie washed her hands at the sink as Elise opened the Styrofoam containers, falling in love with the aroma that was coming from them.

“Did Mom eat?” asked Melanie.

“She picked at some leftover soup Aunt Hildie had made for her. I wouldn’t consider it dinner. It looked like slimy brains in broth.”

“Elise!” Melanie smacked her on the shoulder. “How gross.”

“Yeah, well you didn’t try it.”

“You tried something that looked like slimy brains?”

Elise licked her finger that scooped some red sauce coming from one of the containers. “I was starving, Melanie.”

“Well, grab a plate and put a slice of pizza on it. Get one for Mom, too.” She dried her hands on the fluffy towel hanging by the sink. Most of her hair had worked its way out of the ponytail she had made twelve hours ago and lay on her shoulders, and her makeup had fallen off sometime during the day. Her sister was moving slow.

“Mom likes pizza?” Elise asked with surprise.

“Yeah, she loves it. Especially with onions and sausage.”

Elise took a few plates down from the cabinet while Melanie went to the den to check on the kids. The conversation she had earlier with Ben kept playing relentlessly in her mind. Images of him waiting for her to return to Kentucky all those years ago punched her repeatedly in the gut. The feelings she harbored against Melanie began to dissipate. She couldn’t blame two people for being left to survive the best way they knew how. She had no right to hold on to that blame and resentment.

She took three plates of pizza and a parmesan chicken cut three ways, into the living room. Lyla took her plate and held it to her nose, closing her eyes and slowly stretching a smile across her face. Melanie joined them as they watched the ending to a movie where it didn’t matter who or what happened. On that particular channel, the man would always get the woman in the end, guaranteed.

They finished their guilty late-night pleasure and sipped on their iced-down sodas. Lyla preferred her tea with one slice of lemon wedged on the side. She’d get up and get it herself if it was too much trouble for her girls. Of course, it wasn’t. Melanie ended up stretched out on the second couch and Elise laid flat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and patting her contented stomach. Moans and sighs of a good meal rested quietly among them. No doubt the kids had fallen asleep by now.

“You girls remember to take my money for the offering plate tomorrow.”

Elise’s droopy eyes snapped to attention. “Offering plate? Tomorrow? What are you talking about?”

Lyla pulled herself higher on the couch cushions. “Elise, don’t you go to church in California?”

The question simmered until Elise found the acceptable answer. After an unnatural twenty or so seconds searching for it, she had nothing but a vague truth. “I’m not settled on a definite church yet.” Maybe because she hadn’t attended any since moving there.

“Well, it’s important for you to find one. I didn’t raise heathens.”

“I didn’t pack anything dressy, Mom,” she said, slipping back into the age of twelve, arguing her way out of something.

“Wear a dress of your sister’s.“

She looked over the edge of the sofa at her dozing sister. “Mom, she’s four inches taller than me and I don’t wear her style of clothing.” Her sister was into ankle length flowing types. Elise enjoyed the more tailored look, giving less emphasis on her shorter height.

“Go back in your old bedroom. I kept a few of your things.” She pointed toward the darkened hallway.

Elise gritted her teeth. Why wouldn’t this woman stop? Didn’t she sense that Elise didn’t
want
to go to church. “Mom, I doubt that whatever I have back there would, number one, be appropriate for this year in fashion, and number two, would fit my piggy toe. I’ve grown, Mother, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Lyla nearly fell off the sofa laughing. It woke up the light sleep Melanie had finally achieved. “What’s going on?” she said, raising from the sofa wearing a groggy look on her face.

“Your sister thinks she’s grown since she moved away. If anything, she’s gotten tinier. I’m not sure she eats out there on that West Coast. What, are you on some type of raw vegetable diet, or something? Those California people are strange about eating. I’m not sure they even have potatoes and gravy out there. Or for that matter, even heard of gravy. What do they think is supposed to stick to your bones, anyway?”

Elise rolled her eyes and spoke directly to Melanie, who she hoped would stand on her side. “I don’t have anything to wear for church tomorrow. I want to stay with Mom while you all go. Don’t you think that’s a good idea?”

Her mother spoke before Melanie had a chance. “Nonsense. I told Reverend Michaels, when he dropped by Wednesday, that you would be going. Now get back there and find something. And remember that the Lord doesn’t like pants on Sunday. Wear the best you’ve got and make it respectable. And don’t forget my money on the counter. Make sure it gets in the collection plate.” She paused, thinking back on something. “You know, you left that beautiful blue sundress I made you before you moved. Wear that. That didn’t go out of style, and it looks nice on you. Now go try it on.”

Elise halted on her way back to the room. She remembered that dress. That was the dress she
intentionally
left behind. The same one she was wearing when she went on her last date with Ben. The one with the tied straps that she undid before it fell to the ground and she ran to him in the water out in the back pastures of his daddy’s farm. Yeah, she knew the one. What in the hell was that still doing in the house? Why didn’t she finish the job and take scissors to it, like she did his heart when she left it? No doubt her mother got rid of everything else she’d left behind. Why keep that?

She found it hanging among the ten or so dry cleaning bags of her mother’s clothes, in her old closet. Running her finger along the fabric made the memories rush over her like a tsunami, carrying her back to the way she felt all those summers ago. Scared, yet so complete. She couldn’t put herself back in it. She just couldn’t. She jumped when she heard someone from behind.

“Wear it. You know it still fits, Elise. And it would make Mom happy. Come on, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.”

Elise slowly took it down from the rod and folded it in her arms, carrying it to the front room. They put their mom to bed and then carried the sleeping children to the car and drove home to get a good night’s sleep.

Morning came with lightning speed. After she had texted a light-hearted message telling Darren goodnight, Elise tossed and turned trying out different lies as to why she couldn’t go with her sister. Nothing sounded loosely plausible. She stomped all the way to the bathroom and screamed into a towel before washing her face. She made up her mind. Just go, sit in the back somewhere, run back to the car when they were singing the last hymn, and demand Melanie drive back home where she could change and never be seen in that blue dress again. Scissors would be used this time. Then, maybe a burning ritual. Something to signify the past was over. No do-overs.

She decided to wear her hair back in a side barrette, looking simple and fresh as she exited the bathroom, finally. Melanie had managed to get both kids ready and already warmed Pop-Tarts and poured juice. Elise joined them and drank some juice while closing her eyes and wishing as hard as she could that it was coffee.

“Let’s get going. I hate being late,” Melanie said, wiping the children’s faces with opposite sides of a paper towel.

Elise took a breath for encouragement and followed the crew to the car. Mason looked dapper in his tiny little tie and matching shirt, and Faith was adorable in her dress. A garden of tulips lined the bottom edge of it and her pink hair band matched the petals perfectly. Melanie had on one of those long skirts as usual, with a white linen top. Elise could’ve never pulled off one of those outfits. She would’ve looked like she had no legs in that long skirt.

They were all buckled in when Melanie started the engine. It gave a hesitation before Melanie kicked it to start. It didn’t take them long to get there. They pulled into the church lot at precisely eleven o’clock. The ushers were closing the doors as they stepped on the sidewalk to enter. Elise crouched down as she passed the man left behind holding the door for late arrivers. Perhaps if she looked like a beaten dog, they would think twice about flogging her for tardiness.

“Hurry,” Melanie said as she dragged Faith by the arm. Her daughter had begun whining and pulling at the crotch of her tiny tights the short way over there.

“Mommy, they hurt. They’re itchy, too.” Faith’s lips drew into a perfect wrinkled pout and her small nose expressed little fits of breath in protest.

“Let’s just sit in the back near the door. All right, Melanie?” Elise wanted to form the plan before they walked into the already quiet congregation.

As the ushers opened the double doors to the sanctuary, Faith shouted, “They make my butt itch, Mommy.”

Every bowed head turned toward the exit to look at the four of them. So much for being subtle. Elise’s eyes fell instantly on Ben, who was sitting on the end of a pew with Barbie. Elise lowered her head, trying her best to dissolve into the orange church carpet.

Melanie smiled apologetically and took Faith’s hand as she searched for a seat large enough to accommodate all of them. The church was full, but someone from the front waved them forward. There was an empty bench up there. Far enough from the back so those who had missed the identity of the Sunday heathens could watch them make the mile-long walk of shame. And more importantly, Ben could take a good look at Elise and her dress. He was a guy. Surely he wouldn’t remember something so long ago.

When the first song started, Elise grabbed Melanie and whispered in her ear. “I didn’t know Ben went to church.”

“Mom made us bring the kids and he’s never stopped coming.” Melanie straightened up and continued the song. Elise tried her best not to look over her shoulder to see if Ben was watching her. She lip synced the songs as best she could before settling in to hear the sermon on forgiveness. Reverend Michael was a little dry to listen to for a straight thirty minutes. With an eight-ounce cup of coffee, she could’ve paid better attention. But as it was, she paid more attention to Faith’s wiggling and the man seated in front of her. Why did men’s ears reap hair in their later years? Was there a need for it, suddenly?

The service finally ended, but not before a personalized welcome from the preacher. As if Faith’s entrance went unnoticed, Reverend Michaels introduced Elise to the congregation. Her face heated like an egg on a turned-up skillet as she turned and gave a pageant queen’s wave to the group of strangers. She purposely did not look at the area surrounding Ben.

The long line out the door seemed to last for all eternity. Elise’s stomach was growling and her nerves were having caffeine withdrawal. Finally, after four times of Mason stepping on the lady’s shoes in front of them, and Faith screaming to take her tights off, they had made it to the front door.

Reverend Michaels shook Melanie’s hand and turned to Elise. His crow’s feet moved up and down like an accordion as he squinted from the bright sun burning high in the sky. “So, you’re the young Miss Elise Newton. Your mother’s told me very little about you other than you live in California now and as a child you won the school spelling bee.”

“Guilty.” She extended her hand to him, the largeness of his swallowed hers whole. “I actually came in second place, but it was close as I recall.”

“Well, it’s good of you to come back to help your mother. I know she must be happy. I haven’t gotten a chance to see her since the surgery, but I did call and check on her.”

“She’s doing great. I take her tomorrow for a check-up at her doctor’s.”

“Well, I hope to see you again before you go.” He pinched Faith’s nose before they made it to the grass clearing.

Elise tried not to keep her focus on Melanie’s car and the most direct path to it. She imagined how many steps lay between her and her ticket out of there and to a drive-thru window for coffee and something salty. As she took her first step toward it, she was trampled by Faith who stepped on her open-toed shoe.