A Safe Surrender: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (Donnelley Brothers Book 2) (12 page)

“Please, Kyle,” I watched his eyes as I spoke. “Kiss me.”

His eyes sharpened. “Are you sure, Kami? I don’t want to hurry you. I want,”

I cut him off. “You said if I asked.” I licked my lips. “Please, stay true to your word to me, Kyle.”

“Always.” He vowed on a ragged breath. “I’ll always stay true to my word to you, Kami.”

“Please, kiss me.”

He moved one hand up from the small of my back to cup the nape of my neck. His fingers trailed so gently across my flesh that I shivered against him. My flesh pebbled with goosebumps at my body’s awareness to his and my nipples hardened against his chest. I knew by the hiss of breath between his lips that he felt them swell against his chest.

Then, his lips were on mine. They were so soft, so gentle, so warm. His kiss was like water and fire at the same time. One moment, I felt as though I was drowning in him and then I felt as though I were burning up from the inside out with desire, with completion. My past, my pains, and my confusions all fell away to nothing as his lips moved against mine. His tongue traced the line of my bottom lip before he pulled it into his mouth, sucking gently. Releasing my lip, his mouth covered mine again, barely leaving me a moment to breathe. But I didn’t need to. Air, water, and the ground beneath my feet - none of it mattered when there was this fire between us, surrounding us in its warm embrace.

His tongue probed between my lips, begging gently for entrance I provided as I opened my mouth to him in return for the right to explore his. With Kyle, all was fair. He took and I gave and then I took and he gave. This was a dance in which we both lead. We were equals. Partners.

As his tongue swirled around mine, I moaned into his mouth, allowing him to swallow my sound, claim it, taste it. My hands dove deep into the mess of his rich brown locks before I wrapped my arms around the bulk of his shoulders, needing something sturdy to hold myself up. Under the spell of his kiss, the intoxication of his taste, my knees were growing weak. As though sensing this, Kyle wrapped his hands around the small of my waist, lifting me against his body. Instinct urged me to wrap my legs around his hips as he stood from the end of the bed. Spinning around, I felt the bed press against my back as Kyle laid me down. Covering my body with his, I locked my ankles together and he groaned a strangled sound against my lips.

“Kami,” he breathed my name and that fire that burned inside me raged, like wildfire burning through a dry forest. “You taste so good.” His lips slammed down on mine again and I kissed him urgently, fervently. He moaned, “We have to stop, love.”

“No,” I shook my head, pleading. “Why?”

“I want you.” He bit out the words. “So much.”

“I know.” I whispered. I could feel his swollen length resting against my moist core through the fabric separating us. “I want you too.”

“Shit, Kami.” He shook his head. Resting his forehead against mine, he closed his eyes as though trying to hold himself back. He was struggling, that much was obvious. His arms were pinned on either side of my body, trembling. “I don’t want to do anything to ruin this - us.”

Softly, I pressed my lips against his. Letting my eyes flutter closed, I whispered. “This won’t ruin us, Kyle. You’re not taking me, forcing me, hurting me - you’re allowing me this choice. I’ve chosen you, Kyle. I want you. I want to know you. I want to know your body, your mind, and your soul.” I pressed another soft kiss against his lips. “It doesn’t have to be tonight, but I want you to know that I want this - you. I want to surrender myself to you.”

“Love,” he opened his eyes, his large hands cupping my face. “When I accept your surrender, it’ll be because I’m surrendering myself to you too.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead - a gesture so gentle and loving it made me want to cry. “Until then, until you’re sure, one hundred percent, that I am the man for you, then I want to wait. When I take you, I want to be yours and I want you to be mine.”

“What?” I gasped, blinking up at this strong beautiful man. “What are you saying, Kyle?”

“When I take you, Kami, I want you to share my last name. I want to know you’ll spend not just that night in my bed, but every night after. I want to know that, for the rest of your life, you’ll come to me, share with me, laugh with me, and build with me.” He spoke the words on a shaky breath as I lay tense beneath him. “Kami, I know it’s only been two weeks, but I’m in love with you. I knew when I saw you - that you were the one.”

“Kyle,” I croaked. I didn’t believe in love at first sight and all that bullshit. How was I supposed to reply to his words? As beautiful as they were, they scared the daylights right out of me.

“Don’t say anything, love. Not right now.” He sighed. “I’m sorry I’ve laid it all out on you like this, but you had to know.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I whispered, my heart feeling so impossibly full and yet so painfully breakable at once.

“Tell me what you’re feeling.” He requested.

I settled for the truth. “I’m afraid.” Tears fell from the corner of my eyes to stream over my temples before disappearing into my hair.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.” He pleaded, wiping away my tears. “Why are you afraid?”

I closed my eyes, afraid to see his disappointment. “I don’t want to hurt you, Kyle. You’re so good - so much more than I deserve.”

“Don’t say that.” He kissed my eyelids before nuzzling my throat. His soft shadowing of facial hair tickled my smooth flesh. “You’re a beautiful, strong woman, Kami. If you’ll allow it, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving this to you.”

“Please,” I pleaded, wrapping my arms tight around his shoulders, hugging him to me. As much as his words were frightening me, I couldn’t find the will to let him go. I couldn’t find the ability to push him away. I didn’t want to. “Are you proposing?”

“If you want me to be.” I felt his smile stretch against my throat at the feel of my arms tightening around his shoulders.

“No.” I whispered, feeling his body grow heavier with sadness. “I’m just not ready for that, Kyle. We’re not ready. You don’t even know me.”

“I know more than you think, Kami.” He lifted his head. “I know how you like your coffee and I know much you adore cats, they’re your favorite animal. I know that you can’t stand to allow your toenails to go without being painted and I know that you nibble your lip when you think. I know you love the sunset because it makes you excited for the sunrise. I know you have a big, beautiful heart, Kami.”

“I’m damaged, Kyle.” I shook my head. “I’ve been through things, seen things, that I don’t ever want you to know and look at me differently for.”

“I know you’ve been through hell and back. I know you’ve been wounded and you don’t trust as easily as most, but you’re far from damaged, Kami.” He growled the last few words. “Don’t ever put yourself down like that again. Not in front of me.”

Pressing my face into the nook of his neck, I inhaled deep. “I need to not talk about this, Kyle.”

“You’re not ready yet, love, but know that I won’t give up on you - on us. I know what I want, what you want, and I won’t stop until I’ve proven it to you.” He pressed his lips to my temple. He rolled onto his side, holding me close to his chest. “Good night, Kami.”

I hugged him, still unable to let him go. “Good night, Kyle.”

Even after everything that was said between us, I still found sleep easily in Kyle’s arms. When you were safe and secure, the peace of sleep wasn’t something you had to count sheep for. With Kyle, it all came easy. Loving him came easy - so why couldn’t I accept that he might have these feelings for me in return. And if he did, why couldn’t I take a chance with him?

I knew the answer deep in the marrow of my bones. I couldn’t allow myself to take a chance, because taking a chance meant I might have to one day face losing him.

***

Kyle woke me with a kiss.

In the light of day, every fear came crashing down around me as his soft lips moved slowly against mine. His hand rested against my belly over the fabric of his t-shirt I wore. I could feel his heat seeping through the material, warming me. I tried, desperately, to shove my fears into the back of my mind as I returned his kiss with more passion than I thought I had living within me.

Pulling back, Kyle grinned. “Good morning, beautiful.”

This was a beautiful morning. The sun was bright. Its golden rays were spilling into the room through the opening in the curtains. I had woken in the arms of a man who made me feel impossible happiness, and yet no matter how lucky I knew I was, I couldn’t help but feel sad.

Sliding out from beneath him, I shimmied off the bed. “I have to pee.”

Without turning back to catch what I was sure was a surprised look on his face, I darted for the bathroom. I didn’t pee. I was in too much of a hurry dressing myself in my own clothes to do much else.

I had to get out of here.

When I was dressed, I picked his shirt up off the floor where I’d dropped it before bringing it slowly to my face. Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes against my burning tears. His scent was mixed with mine. It was warm, spicy, and masculine with a faint hint of my feminine floral scent. Together, our scent was fantastic.

My heart broke.

Folding his shirt, I placed it carefully on the vanity. Staring at myself in the mirror, I prayed Kyle wouldn’t be able to see the pain in my eyes when I told him I couldn’t do this - that I couldn’t be what he wanted or needed me to be. That it was better this way, because it was. It really was better this way, to end this before anyone got too hurt.

“You can do this.” I said determinedly to my reflection. “You can do this because he’s worth it. If you stay with him, you’ll hurt him. You’re toxic.”

A knock sounded on the door and I jumped away from the mirror. Kyle’s voice rang out into the silence. “Who are you talking to, Kami?”

“Uh, no one.” I called back. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

Shooting one more glaring glance into the mirror, I pushed away from the vanity to do the second hardest thing I’d done in less than a month. I’d left Rhett because of his abusive ways and now I was leaving Kyle before anything could start because he deserved more.

Opening the bathroom door, I was startled to find Kyle leaning against the wall. His face was tense and his eyes were hard. Had he heard me?

Straightening my shoulders, I spoke. “We can’t do this. I’m sorry, but it was a mistake, Kyle. I’d like to have you as my friend, but only as a friend.” My voice shook and I cursed my cowering determination. “I’m sorry.”

Kyle nodded, his jaw locked. “I understand.”

“You do?” I squeaked before covering my mouth with my hand. “Good. It’s better this way.”

He nodded. “If you say so, Kami.”

“I do.”

“I should probably take you home unless you want breakfast?” His voice was thick and gruff. I couldn’t get a read on him no matter which angle I studied him. It was odd, Kyle was usually so open for me. Had I really hurt him so bad?

“I’ll make something at home.” There was a side of shame in the tone of my words and I blushed at the sound. “Please, take me back to the cabin.”

He nodded. “If that’s what you really want.”

I frowned, “It’s what I want.”

***

Kyle pulled up to my little abode without killing the engine as he usually did. Normally, even if he wasn’t staying, he walked me to my door. I didn’t see that happening today.

“I’m sorry.” I said again.

“Kami, please stop apologizing.” He forced a smile. “I’m still your friend. I’m still here if you need anything. You have my number, you know you can call or text if you need anything. I’m not far.”

“Are we still really friends?”

“We’re still friends, Kami.”

I nodded, missing his little endearments so much more than I thought I would. “Kay.”

I opened the door, jumping out into the deep snow. Just as I was about to close the door, I heard Kyle say, “You’re not toxic, love.”

I didn’t have time to reply as the door swung closed and Kyle started to reverse, leaving me standing in the snow, staring after him.

I now knew, without a doubt, that he had heard my little pep talk in the bathroom. Even more certainly, I knew, that I had broken his heart.

Chapter 12

The first week of March was wrapping up and the days were getting warmer. I knew, as an Albertan, that despite the brighter sun, warmer days, and illusion of spring, that we still had another good month of winter to look forward to before the snow melted away, nourishing the grass for a lush green spring.

It had been almost three weeks since I had turned Kyle down. In those three weeks, I’d thought, with certainty, my friendship with him would wither away and die after I’d so carelessly scorned his feelings, but it hadn’t.

As a matter of fact, it was almost odd how wonderful Kyle still was toward me. For a few days, we’d barely talked, and then, one morning, he’d brought me a coffee while I was working my shift at the climbing center, and we’d just talked.

I’d feared he would ask for his Jeep back, but he hadn’t. I was still able to drive myself around the ranch without worrying about freezing my toes and fingers by having to walk. Every day that went by only proved to me just how truly solid Kyle was as a human being, as a man.

The pride of most men I knew would have been too wounded by the rejection I had laid on Kyle to allow a woman to continue using their vehicle, but not Kyle. Instead, he urged me to continue saving a little longer last week when I’d told him I’d scrounged up almost three grand and could afford to buy a little beater of my own for now. I’d even waited for him to begin telling me I owed him little favors for allowing me to use his car, but that hadn’t happened either. All around, Kyle was a really good man.

And I was a really stupid woman for letting him go, but still, I prayed he would find someone more deserving of him. Someone who had something to offer him. Because in all honesty, I had nothing.

If I caved and allowed myself to enter into a relationship with Kyle, he would be the one bringing everything to the table. He was the one with the vehicles, the house, the land, the kickass job - and I had - a big fat
nothing
. I had nothing to bring into a relationship with someone as amazing as Kyle and it would be so wrong of me to allow myself to be with him when I was so emotionally, physically, and financially broke.