A Saint for Life (11 page)

{22}

Gabe

The game ended a while ago. Janice and I were watching movies the rest of the afternoon until she brought dinner to me. She made pulled pork and fries. It was so good. I was only able to eat a little bit of it, though, because I haven't been feeling well. My legs have been really weak today too. Sometimes I can barely move them out of my bed or up in the air. Zoe told me I shouldn't walk anywhere by myself when they feel like this.

“Will you be okay when I leave? Emily just got here.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really, and if you need anything just have her call me! I am going downstairs. She should be here any minute. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Janice gave me a kiss on my forehead before heading back downstairs. Emily was my sister’s best friend. She has been coming over here for the last couple of years to hang out with me when Zoe had to work and Janice needed a break. I loved when she came over. She’s really pretty.

I set my cup of water on my nightstand. I couldn’t drink anymore. My head was starting to hurt now, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I had to try and stay awake to hang out with Emily for at least a little bit.

I laid my head down on the pillow and turned to face the doorway. My eyes were starting to shut, but I heard Emily heading up the stairs. Walking in my room, she had a present in her hand.

“Hey, buddy! What’s up?” she said while handing me the bag. “I brought you a little something.”

“You always do! What is it?”

“Open it and see!”

I tried to sit up in my bed, but I was struggling. “Can you open it for me?”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m just really tired and really weak today. I don’t think my muscles are working right.”

Opening the bag, she took out a t-shirt. I smiled.

“This is one of the t-shirts we had made up for the game today that we were throwing out to the crowd. Shh—don’t tell anyone I stole it just for you.” Emily smirked.

“I want to wear it. Can I?”

“Yeah, obviously!” She lifted the shirt I was wearing up over my head. Sometimes I needed help getting dressed too.

“Oh, shoot, it still has the tag on it. Are there scissors up here?” she asked me and I laid my head back down.

“No, I don’t think so,” I said quietly.

“Okay, let me run downstairs quick and grab some. You okay?”

“Yeah.”

A few minutes passed. Emily must not have been able to find the scissors. All of the water I drank really made me have to use the bathroom. I had to go so bad. If I didn’t get up, I might wet the bed, and that would be
so
embarrassing. I tried yelling to Emily, but I didn’t have the energy to yell. Maybe I can do it.

I can do this. It’s only across the hallway.

I moved my legs to the side of my bed and pushed myself up. I put my one hand on my nightstand and the other on my bed. Standing on my feet, I looked out my door. I didn’t want to let go of my bedside. The bathroom seemed so far away, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It started to hurt I had to go so bad. Taking a few steps, I made it to my doorway before I had to stop and hold onto the side of the wall.

Putting one foot in front of the other, I reached with my right hand to grab onto the railing of the stairs. Standing against the side of the wall, I pushed myself forward. Only a few more steps. I looked down the stairs, and I could see Emily coming from around the corner.

“Gabe! What are you doing?” she yelled to me and started to run up the stairs.

All of the sudden my legs felt like they were going to break. I went to reach for the railing, but my head was spinning so it looked blurry. I started to see black.

{23}

Christian

The fate of the night had all changed. The happiness, excitement, and passion diminished. The look in Zoe’s eyes after answering the phone call frightened me.

After hanging up with Emily, Zoe threw her clothes on within seconds. She was talking fast, suggesting that she would just call me with updates, but I couldn't let her do that. I couldn't leave her at a time like this when she would need me the most.

Following closely behind, I ignored her request to go home. I coasted along the roads going almost thirty miles per hour over the speed limit just so I could keep up with her. Fearing that the cops would be out tonight, my eyes continuously watched my rear view mirror for lights that may appear.

When we arrived at the hospital, Zoe took no time getting out of her car before she frantically ran to the entrance. I tried to catch up to her.

In the waiting room, Emily was pacing back and forth. As soon as she spotted us, she ran in our direction.

“I shouldn’t have left him. I shouldn’t have gone downstairs. I’m so sorry, Zoe. I’m so—”

Before Emily could finish, she broke down into tears as Zoe embraced her.

“It’s not your fault. Where is he now? What happened?” Zoe replied as she let go of Emily and wiped away the tears from her eyes. Her face was swollen as if she had been crying for hours.

“I…I brought him one of the shirts from the game, and I went downstairs to find scissors to cut the tag off and then…then…ugh, Zoe, I’m so sorry. I was coming around the corner, and I saw him standing at the top of the stairs. I ran to him, but I was too late. He passed out and started to fall down the stairs.” At this point Emily could hardly get the words out of her mouth. She was in a state of sheer panic. “I called 911 and then called Janice. She drove me here. She just went to the bathroom quick.”

“Emily, listen to me. It’s not your fault. He’s been getting worse. He’s hardly been eating, and this morning he couldn’t even get out of bed.” Zoe’s voice was shaking. I took her hand, gripping it tight.

I know what it feels like to lose a brother, to lose your best friend. I can't imagine what it must feel like to think that you could lose the only person you had left. I wish there was something I could do right now that would make this all go away.

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked her.

Zoe turned to face me, grabbing my other hand.

“You are amazing. All we can do is wait right now while the doctors examine him. They’re probably going to have to run tests as well, so it could be a while. You don’t have to stay. You really don’t. It could be a long night.”

“But I want to.” I kissed her. I wasn’t going to leave her or Gabe.

*

An hour has passed, and the only new information we have is that the doctor said it shouldn't be much longer before Zoe can see him.
Thank God
, I thought to myself, looking around at all of the people we were surrounded by. I needed to go take a walk. It broke my heart to see Zoe suffering this much. I didn’t want to tell her that I was growing weaker myself, so I offered to go grab coffee. That way I could get myself together.

On my way to find the cafeteria I passed the chapel. Pushing the doors open, I walked in and mindlessly sat down in a pew.

“
James, if you can hear me, please give Gabe the strength he needs to get better. I wish you were here today to meet Zoe and Gabe. I’ve fallen in love with her. Surprised, right? Me? In love? I know. But this girl is amazing. She’s selfless, strong, beautiful, and such an amazing sister to her brother. Gabe is sick, and he is the only family she has left. Right now he needs all the help he can get. I miss you every day, JJ. I love you. I didn’t tell you that enough, or how much I appreciated everything you did for me.”

Tears streamed down my face. This was all too familiar to me. I looked around and memories flooded my mind from the last time I sat in this very chapel. In the same exact pew, I sat back and closed my eyes. The door opened, interrupting my thoughts, and sent my body jolting.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Emily whispered.

“You didn’t. Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“This is awful.”

“I’ve been here before.” I stared at the front of the chapel. “We were standing at the front, and we lit a candle, then sat in this very pew to pray. We prayed that James would have the strength to survive. I was terrified. I didn't know if I would ever see him again.”

“James?” Emily questioned.

“My brother,” I replied before continuing.

“At that young of an age, the silence was scaring me. I turned around and I noticed a girl who looked to be about my age sitting by herself near the back with her head downward. Her body was shaking. I got up and walked over to her, noticing that her lips were quivering. She looked just as alone and as scared as I was.”

“How old were you?” Emily asked.

“Fourteen. She asked me why God did these things to us, why he put us in these situations. I didn’t know what to say to her. I don’t even know if now I would have had an answer. Water poured out of her eyes down her face, and in that moment I knew I wasn’t alone in the world.”

I teared up thinking about it.

“I never even learned that little girl’s name. So much was going on, I never thought to ask her. But she gave me the strength to get through my brother’s death because I knew then that I wasn’t the only one dealing with loss. It helped me get through that tragic time, and I often found myself thinking of her.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” Emily’s hands clasped and she leaned forward.

“It’s okay. Not too many people know. Being here and seeing what Zoe’s going through is hard. It brings back those memories, and it’s hurting me to see her go through this.”

“You really care about her, don’t you?”

I nodded in agreement.

We headed back toward the waiting room with several cups of coffee in hand. I was anxious. Hopefully we would have answers soon. Coming around the corner I stood still and watched Zoe from the distance. Even at her worst, she was beautiful. I admired the way her strength and composure radiated off of her. The doctor came out and headed toward her. The floor seemed to disappear beneath my feet, and I had to brace myself up against the wall.

{24}

Zoe

My mother paced back and forth, hands over her head to open her airway when her breathing became difficult. I watched several patients being wheeled down the hallway to the surgical floor and the doctors scramble around to where they were supposed to be. My dad was hooked up to so many machines. It pained my mom to see him like that, so she wouldn’t let me in the room. At the time I didn’t understand why.

But I was thirteen. I was meddlesome. His doctor came over and asked to speak with my mother. She didn't want me to hear what kind of condition he was in, so she asked me to step aside. I did what any other kid would do. I disobeyed her orders and snuck around the corner. Quickly turning into my dad’s room, I stood there confused and in shock.

How could this happen? He was so healthy,
I thought to myself while approaching his bedside.

Slowly sitting down in the chair next to him, I didn’t want to wake him, but he must have heard me because he turned his head and gently opened his eyes.

“Zoe?” When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.

“Yes, Daddy, I’m here. I’m here.” I choked on my words.

“Where’s your mother? Where’s Gabe?”

“The neighbors are here watching Gabe in the waiting room. Mom’s talking to the doctor right now.”

“Zoe.” He coughed. “I need you to listen to me. Tell your mother that I love her—”

“Daddy don’t,” I interrupted him and started to cry.

“Tell Gabe about me. Protect him like I always protected you. You will always be my baby girl, but when the time comes for prom wear a dress that makes you look like a princess. When you have your first boyfriend—” at this point he couldn’t control his cough. I handed him the cup of ice that sat next to him. My hand shook inside of his and the tears filled up my eyes. I leaned into him and began to cry hysterically in his arms.

He continued, “…and many after that. Just make sure they treat you like I treat your mother, even better in fact. You deserve the best. You won’t have to miss me because I’ll always be with you.”

“Don’t leave me, Daddy. You can’t leave mom and me and Gabe. You’re going to get better. You’ll see. The doctors will make you better. That’s why you’re in the hospital.” I reached for a tissue to wipe my nose, but immediately relieved the pressure of my body on his chest and sat up when I noticed he was having trouble breathing.

“I love you Zo Zo. Don’t ever—” His hand let go of mine and he grabbed his chest.

“Help! My Daddy needs help! Someone help me!” I screamed as loud as I could, so loud my throat started to hurt and I thought my head would explode. The doctors came running in. They tore off his hospital gown, revealing his bare chest, and shocked him. His body jolted upward in reaction. I slowly backed away, tripping over my feet. My eyes were glued to the sight of my entire world falling apart.

“Again!” the doctor yelled out.

A nurse pulled me out of the room, and I looked to my left to see my mom running. Grabbing me into her arms, she held me tight, and we watched through the window as the doctors tried to save his life. They continued to shock him, and the doctor pushed on his chest rapidly with an intense force.

Looking up, the doctor made eye contact with me through the window. I was only thirteen. I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was in that moment the doctor saw me, and as a result he continued to keep trying. But there was nothing more they could do, and all at once the doctors slowly backed away from his body. I could no longer see because the tears in my eyes blurred my vision. Everything around me seemed to be moving in slow motion. Words began to flow from my mom’s mouth, but I don’t know what she was saying. The only voice I could hear was my dad’s. I played what he said to me over and over again in my head.

The doctor exited the room and stood to face us. Pulling his mask down to his chin, the words “I’m so sorry. We did everything we could” tore mine and my mother’s hearts into shreds.

I hoped that a doctor would never have to say those words to me again.

*

Holding Gabe’s hand while he slept, I couldn’t escape the memories of my father’s death. I looked out of the window in Gabe's hospital room and saw that Christian was still sitting there. His hand was holding his fallen head as he slept. Having Christian in my life at a time like this was a blessing. He's been there for me more than I ever expected he would be. Thinking about that scared me. It scared me because this was all new to me. Scared because it was a never-ending fear that he would leave just like everyone else has when things get too difficult.

Lifting my legs in the air, it took all of the energy I had to put both feet on the ground. Walking out into the hallway, I found a seat next to Christian. Grabbing his hand, I placed it in mine.

I gently kissed his cheek, and he awoke suddenly.

“How is he? Is he awake yet?”

“He's woken up a few times, but I told him to go back to sleep. He needs his rest, and I'm not going anywhere.”

“Me either,” he said looking me right in the eyes.

“You can leave. You don't need to stay. You need sleep.”

“I want to be here for you and Gabe. It wouldn't even cross my mind to leave you at a time like this. I'm not leaving, and you can't make me.” I looked toward the ground and watched as his other hand grabbed mine.

“Can't fight with that, I guess.”

“I asked about Gabe, but Zoe, are you okay? Be honest.”

“Yeah.“

“Look at me.“

“I can’t.“

“Look at me, Zoe.”

I looked up and stared right into Christian's eyes. I could clearly see that he was just as scared as I was. Smiling, he reassured me once more that he wasn't going anywhere. He brushed my hair out of my face. My lips were starting to tremble. With pains present in my chest, it became hard to breathe. The tears built up in my eyes. Here it is. I’ve hit my breaking point.

“I can't do this. I can't be strong anymore. It’s just too hard.”

Christian pulled me in closer and didn't let go. The tears poured down my cheeks, forming wet marks on his shirt.

“Yes, you can. Babe, you are the strongest person I know. Everything is going to be okay. He's going to get better. He will get better.”

“I'm not too sure about that.”

“What do you mean? You told me the doctor said Gabe will be fine.” He wiped the tears off of my cheek. I couldn't hide any more details from him. I needed to be honest.

“What’s going on, Zoe? You told me the doctor said Gabe will be okay,” he repeated himself.

“I lied.” The words released gently off of my tongue.

“Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“He's getting worse, and he needs chemotherapy. We were lucky enough to be a part of a clinical trial to avoid the heavy costs of the treatments. Due to the severity of how much his cancer has advanced, I'm afraid we don't have much time anymore. If we don't get him started on chemo soon, the doctor told me it could be a year at the most.”

I could barely breathe after the words slipped through my lips. It was the first time I was saying any of this out loud. It’s the first time I have come to accept that I may only have a year left with my brother.

“He's so young. He's my only brother. My insurance won't cover it, and I have no money. I won't be able to finish school.”

“There has to be something they can do, right?” Tears fell down his face when he spoke.

“No, there's not. Chemo is our last option. We’ve tried everything else. So it's the only way he will beat this. How am I…how am I going to tell Gabe? I can't tell him he's getting worse and that I can't afford to get him the treatment he needs to stay alive, that he's going to go through hell if he gets the chemo, but it’s the only way he will get better. I can't tell him. It's going to kill me to keep this from him. Watching him go through this is going to destroy me. I don’t know how much more suffering I can watch him go through.”

“He knows you are doing everything you can for him. It's going to be okay. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. We will get through this, and I say “we” because you are not alone. He's going to beat this. We are in this together.”

I looked up and saw the pain in his eyes. He kissed me softly on my forehead, and as a result, I was somehow able to find a smile through the aching pain in my heart.

“I love you.” It was the first time he’s said those three words to me.