A Saint for Life (12 page)

{25}

Christian

I sat in the chair, and the nurse tied the elastic band around my lower bicep.

“Sorry, this will only pinch for a second.”

I clenched my other fist and turned my head as the blood started to come out.

“So you’re donating your bone marrow? That’s so wonderful,” the nurse asked.

“I’m hoping to. To one person specifically.”

Dr. Sheehan was able to pull me aside when Zoe left to go to the bathroom. She sent me down to the lab to get tests done to see if I would be ready to donate. When Zoe got back she had asked me to go to her house to grab a few things, which gave me the perfect opportunity to sneak out and do this.

“We’re halfway through. How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Halfway? How much blood do you need to draw.” I was starting to feel lightheaded.

“About fifteen vials. Your blood is being tested to see if your white blood cell count is high enough, among other things.”

“When will I know if it is?”

“Not for a few days.”

“What if the tests come back and I’m not ready? What do we do then?”

“You’re going to have to talk to the doctor about that.” The nurse replied while untying the band from my arm.

“We’re done.” She took the needle out from my arm and held a cotton ball down where the needle was.

I tried to stand up, but my head was spinning.

“Here, sit down for a minute. I’ll get you some juice.”

“Can you get me a piece of paper and a pen too?” I had an idea.

“Sure.” The nurse opened the curtain and headed down the hall.

Once I was finally able to leave, I made a quick exit toward my car, hoping that Zoe wouldn’t see that I was still here. Pulling in her driveway, I grabbed the letter I had written and walked toward the front door. I just needed to find the proper place to leave it.

The strong stench of cleaning supplies awakened my sense of smell as soon as I opened the door. Janice must have come over earlier to clean for them. In her kitchen I noticed that her fridge was covered in magnets, but nothing was hanging from them.

“Perfect,” I said aloud while attaching the letter to a magnet. I had no doubt she’d notice it there.

Heading up to Gabe's room, I had to catch myself on the railing as I slipped from the newly cleaned steps. Several pictures of him and Zoe were hanging along the stairway wall leading into his room. Neatly placed on his bookshelf was a picture Zoe had taken of the two of us from the first night I came over. I picked it up and held it in my hands; I had to sit down. My hands shook. Everything about this moment reminded me of James and the grief I felt after his death.

James and I shared a bathroom that connected our two rooms. In the months after his death, the tension in the house continued to rise. My mother became very overprotective and I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want anyone going in his room; she wanted it to be left just the way it was. I think she just couldn't bear the thought of him not being in there if she looked in.

One night after getting into a huge fight with her, I went in for the first time since he died. Opening his door, I stood there, frozen. Taking slow steps, one foot in front of the other, I walked around touching various items that meant a lot to him. Most of his things were in boxes. After we packed them into our car, they had a neighbor bring them back up to his room, but they left them unpacked. It caused them too much pain.

I wiped off the dust that had accumulated on James’ trophies that lined an entire wall. He was an incredible runner and placed in almost any race he entered. As skinny as he was, James managed to pack on a decent amount of muscle, something I struggled for years to do. He had jugs of protein in one cardboard box along with the many other supplements he took. I noticed another box on his floor. I presume it contained a lot of his favorite things because he labeled it “Don't touch or open.” So I did what any other little brother would do—I opened it without giving it any thought.

Inside the box was an Mariano Rivera autographed baseball, a few shot glasses, a poster for his wall—and then I spotted it. It was a picture of the two of us after I had just made the game- winning point for my team. ‘Best Friends’ was written in marker along the bottom of the frame in poor handwriting. I gave this to him as a birthday present that year. I'll never forget that moment in the picture. It was the day I know I made my older brother proud.

Staring at the picture of Gabe. I was enraged. I didn’t want Zoe to feel the same pain I felt after losing my brother. I didn’t want her to feel it for a second time. It wouldn’t be fair to her.

Sitting down on Gabe's bed, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Lying down, I wished and prayed for Gabe to get better and let all of the tears out that I was holding back. Turning over onto my side, the water in my eyes blurred my vision, but there was something through the blurriness that caught my attention.

I used my shirt to dab my eyes and wipe away the tears so I could see clearly. Standing up I walked over toward the wall and stood in front of the picture. I reached out and slowly placed my hand next to the frame. I had to brace myself. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode.

This couldn't be real, but I looked at the picture again and again and again.

How was this possible?

{26}

Zoe

“Gabe, can I interrupt you for a minute to talk?” The sadness in my voice alarmed him. He placed his book down and turned his head toward me.

“Can you get me some water?” I heard a weakness in his voice for the first time.

With my back turned toward him, I started filling up his cup. I stared at the wall and tried to put myself together before talking to him. Dr. Sheehan said it was important for me to be strong around Gabe. Lost in thought, the water spilled all over my hand.

“Here you go.” I handed to him with a shaky hand.

“Thanks.” He took a big gulp. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well…” I moved closer and reached for his hand.

“What’s wrong Zoe?”

“Your tests came back. Dr. Sheehan wants you to try a new treatment.” The words quickly rolled off of my tongue out of nervousness.

“Another new treatment? Am I getting worse?”

“No,” I lied to spare him the pain, “it’s just that Dr. Sheehan found a better way to end your sickness. She thinks that this will be the last treatment you will ever have to do.”

“If it doesn’t work, am I going up to heaven to see Daddy?” His eyes widened and he stared at me looking for answers. My heart ached at the panic in his voice.

“It’s going to work. Dr. Sheehan has faith that it—”

He interrupted me. “Zoe, don’t lie to me. I’m old enough to hear the truth. Am I dying?”

It took all I had not to cry.

“If we run out of treatments, the cancer could get worse. Then the angels of heaven will take you to see Daddy when God says it’s time.”

“But Zoe, I don’t want to leave you. I’ll miss you too much.” Gabe started to cry and reached for me.

I got in bed and laid next to him, holding onto him tight. He laid his head down on my chest, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“You won’t leave me. I promise. You are going to fight this.”

“Will the new treatment hurt? I don’t want to be in any more pain.”

“I’m going to be with you every step of the way. Dr. Sheehan said you might feel sick with it, but then it gets better, and then the cancer will go away.”

“Promise?” He held out his pinky.

I wrapped my pinky finger around his. “Promise.”

*

Slamming her books down on the table and pulling out a chair, Emily's abrupt entrance nearly threw me out of my chair.

“Damn it, you nearly scared the shit out of me!” I yelled. The people sitting behind us motioned for us to be quiet.

“Well, wake up so we can get this done so you can get back to Gabe quicker. How is he doing today?”

“Can we not talk about how sick my brother is for once?” I looked outside at the gloomy day.

“Wow, sorry. Do you still want me to help you then, or should I just…go?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so bitchy. I told him today about how he had to get chemo. It was close to the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have.”

“Oh Zoe, I’m so sorry.”

“I just wish I could help him. I wish I could take away some of his pain away.”

“I know, but the doctor seemed optimistic that this would work, right? Just try to stay positive! By the way, I talked to my parents.”

“Stop. I told you not—”

“They mailed me a check. It's not that much, but you can put it toward his chemo treatments. Zoe, he needs it, and this isn't pity money. You are my best friend. We want to help you.” She handed me the envelope from across the table.

“I really don't know what to say. Thank you. I don't know what I would do without you.”

“Alright, where did we leave off? I think we are on part 2 of the paper, right?”

“Yeah, I think we can finish the whole thing today if we split it up.” Emily and I had a very similar writing style, so she offered to write part of my paper as well to take a load off for me.

*

Two hours had gone by, and we weren't any closer to finishing it than we were when we got here. I tried to focus all of my attention on this, but I couldn't stop thinking about Gabe. Shockingly, Christian hardly even crossed my mind. On top of it all, I thought my stomach was going to eat itself from the inside out.

“I am so hungry I can't remember the last thing I ate.”

“Zoe! You need to eat. Why haven't you been eating?” Emily scolded me.

“I don't know; with everything that happened today I just forgot. I haven't really had an appetite up until now.”

“Alright, that's it. I'm going to go get us food. You stay here and finish this section. Do you want your usual?”

“I guess so.” I leaned my head against my arm. I was starting to get a headache from lack of food.

“I'm getting you double. You need to eat!”

Emily took off, and I found myself putting aside my project again. I watched the rain hit the windows and the sky turn from gray to black. It was honestly miserable outside, and the weather made it even harder to get work done.

It didn't feel like winter. It felt more like a gloomy fall day. Cold, rainy, and dark. On days like today, all I wanted to do was wrap myself up in my bed, cry, and sleep. I never allowed myself to do so because I had to be so strong for everyone else around me. If I cried like that, I may never be able to stop.

Looking at my phone, I noticed that Emily's been gone for an awfully long time, longer than usual for a Sunday evening. But just then, she came around the corner. Her hood was up over her head protecting her hair from getting wet. Setting the wet plastic containers down on the table, she stood there as if she saw a ghost.

“What's the matter with you?”

Emily sat down and put her hand over her mouth.

“I don't know how to tell you this. I need to tell you something.” She couldn’t look me in the eye. She tilted her head down, looked back up at me, and proceeded to stare out the window.

“What happened Emily? You're scaring me. Just say it.”

“I don't know. It sounds really bad. Really, really bad. It may not even be anything. I don’t know.”

I finally got her to spit it out. She continued to tell me what happened, and the thoughts in my head overpowered her voice. I turned to face the window, watching the rain hit harder against the glass. Closing my notebook, I threw it into my bag and put my hood up. Quickly getting up from the table, I ran out of the library, almost knocking someone’s books off of their table. I barely missed running into someone.

“Zoe, wait!” Emily yelled. I heard her coming from behind me as I ran off.

I began to mindlessly run so fast that my hood couldn't stay up over my head. I had to see for myself. Loud claps of thunder roared, and lightning lit up the sky. I stared through the window, and when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, it had.

I didn’t want to believe it. I thought I was seeing things, but I watched as he sat there laughing and smiling. I thought he only looked at me that way, but seeing the way he smiled and stared into her eyes as she talked, I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. I felt so deceived and cheated. Standing up from the table, they gave each other a hug, and I realized I had been there a moment too long.

Running and not turning back, I heard the door fly open, slamming loudly against the brick walls on the building.

“Zoe, hold up!” he yelled from behind me.

Sharp pains became present in my side, and I had to stop and catch my breath. I couldn’t run any longer. The pain had become too much to handle.

“Zoe, I can explain!”

Turning around, I didn’t care that the mascara had run all down my face and that my hair was soaking wet. I looked him in the eye and I wanted him to see how much more pain he had just put me in.

“Explain what, exactly? You lied to me. You lied to me, Christian. You told me you were going to be with your team today. You can’t explain what I just saw. You were with Lacey, Lacey who happens to be your ex-girlfriend. I know what I was seeing. You lied to me. Of all days, I don’t need this today.”

“No, you don’t, Zo. It’s not what it looks like. It’s really not.” Christian's voice became weak as he reached for my hand, but I pushed it away and stepped back slightly.

“Then what were you doing with her? I needed you today. That’s why I asked what you were up to. I needed you!”

The rain fell down from the sky harder. At this point I was completely soaked.

“I can’t tell you what I was doing with her. Is everything okay?” He sighed.

“Oh, that just makes it so much better! Don’t lie to me anymore, Christian. Just don’t. I should have known. You didn’t have to tell me you would be there for me if you didn’t want to be just because you thought it would make me feel better. Lacey has it all. I get it. She has no baggage like I do. I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t be put in any more pain.”

“But Zoe…” Christian started to cry. But I couldn’t stand here and hear any more of the lies or the bullshit.

“Just leave us alone. I don’t need this. Not now. Bye, Christian.”

I ran again until I got to my car, where I couldn’t hold any more of it in. After everything, he had me convinced that he was different. But watching him sit there with Lacey, I’ve seen that look on his face before. He was happy. Seeing him sit there talking to her with that wide smile across his face hurt. It felt like my entire world came crashing down today.