A Searching Heart (5 page)

And then one night Virginia was returning home, tired after spending the evening with Clara, when she overheard a conversation from the back hall that brought her steps to a halt and her heart to pounding.

“If that baby ever makes it, it will be a wonder,” Virginia heard her father say.

“I worry about Clara. She is so thin and pale,” her mother responded. “If the baby comes to term, I fear she will not have the strength for delivery.”

“What does Luke say?”

“He is as concerned as we are. He's been making phone calls and reading all the material he can get. He still has no answers. He doesn't know what can be done.”

“We'll have to keep praying.”

Virginia heard her mother sigh, then her muffled voice. She knew her father had pulled her mother close and that she was speaking from the comfort of his embrace.

“I'm so scared. I admit it. I know that God is in control. I know that. But—” She sounded about to cry. “I also know that sometimes His plans are not our plans. Sometimes He does not answer our prayers the way we ask. He . . . He might take her, Drew. And the baby.” Her voice broke. “We have to face that—and somehow accept it. But it would be so hard. I don't know if I'm brave enough—strong enough.”

She was crying now.

Virginia's own wild thoughts took over, drowning out the sounds of her father's attempts to comfort her mother.
Lose the baby?
Yes—she had known that might happen, though she still fought against it.
But lose Clara?
Never. No. She'd never be able to accept that. Never.

From the next room the muffled sounds told Virginia that her father was praying with her mother. But she did not stay to hear and understand his words. Instead, she took flight and ran down the hall to her own room, where she threw herself on her bed and sobbed.

———

Jamison did come home for Christmas, but Virginia was so busy that she felt cheated. Her mother did all she could to free Virginia from nursing duties so she and Jamison could spend time together. But Virginia felt guilty if she didn't feel she was doing her fair share.

Besides, Jamison acted fidgety and distracted. He was full of thoughts and conversation about college and his church group and all the sports activities he was engaged in. Like Jenny, he seemed to find the small town a bit boring—though for a far different reason.

“I wish you were done with school so you could come with me now,” he told Virginia.

With all of her heart she wished so, too. “It won't be long. Just one more term,” she assured him. “Besides, you will soon be home again for the summer.”

“I'm not sure I'll be coming home this summer, Virginia. I have an opportunity for a job. It would pay much better than anything I could find around here. It seems like I should take it.”

Virginia nodded, but her heart sank in disappointment.

“Besides, there's football. We want to spend a lot of the summer months sharpening up our game. We came so close to the championship this past year. If we work hard we can make it next year. Several from the team are getting jobs in town, and we plan to keep right on practicing through the summer months.”

Virginia nodded again. But it was hard for her to think of the long months ahead without Jamison and no summer reunion to look forward to.

“Then in the fall—” Jamison did not finish his sentence but held his arms out to Virginia, and she accepted the invitation for a warm embrace.

“It won't be long until you'll be joining me,” he whispered into her hair. “I have so much to show you. So many people to introduce my girl to.”

He released her but continued to hold her hand and look into her eyes. “I'll be proud to show them the one I've been telling them about all year.” He gave her hand a squeeze.

Virginia forced a trembling smile. She could hardly wait.

———

When spring finally came, it was not any too soon to Virginia's way of thinking. The long winter and Clara's long confinement made Virginia feel totally exhausted in mind and body. Then she mentally chastised herself for even thinking of complaining, when her mother and Clara were bearing an even greater burden.

With the arrival of the songbirds and spring flowers, a bit of her melancholy seemed to melt away with the drifts of tarnished snow by the roadside.

Clara was not regaining robust health, but she did not seem to decline further, either. That was something that kept Doctor Luke and her mother hoping for the best.

The baby is growing,
Virginia reminded herself as she trudged home from Clara's late one afternoon.
Quite normally, under the circumstances. That is something to be thankful for. Indeed an answer to our prayers.
Perhaps it was helping that Belinda spent a great deal of time and energy making nourishing broths and puddings to try to tempt Clara's lagging appetite.

And it seemed to be working—at least to some extent, though Virginia, watching Clara, felt that she often choked down the food more in an effort to save her child than because she found it inviting.

“So how is Clara doing?”

Virginia's thoughts were interrupted by their neighbor, Mr. Adamson. He leaned on his freshly painted fence and peered at her from under his grubby, battered hat. He had already spent many spring hours out in his garden uncovering plants and coaxing forth blossoms.

Virginia tried to smooth the worrisome frown from her face and let her lips relax into a smile. Mr. Adamson's care and interest in her during her early teenage struggles made a special warm spot in her heart.

“She's still holding her own,” she responded, hoping it would sound like good news.

The elderly man nodded.

“And the little one?”

“Uncle Luke says he—or she—seems to be growing just fine.”

He nodded again.

“Think Clara would like a little bouquet of those tulips and daffodils? Got a few new colors this spring. Look at the creamy pink ones. Pretty little things, aren't they?”

Virginia's eyes followed the dirt-encrusted finger. The flowers were pretty. She was sure Clara would enjoy them immensely.

“I'll fix up a little bouquet for you to take on your next trip over. When you going?”

“Right after I get my load of books home. It's my turn to get supper for Troy and Clara tonight.”

The frumpy hat nodded. “I'll have them ready for you to pick up on your way by.”

Virginia gave him a genuine smile. “She'll love them, Mr. Adamson. They'll brighten her day.”

The faded blue eyes misted. “Missing Clara,” he said simply. And he turned away to survey his flower garden.

Virginia knew what he felt was not expressed adequately in his few, simple words. And yet . . . yet, maybe it was.

CHAPTER 4

A
s graduation time drew near, Virginia found her excitement growing in spite of her busy days juggling housework and homework. She would soon be done with high school. Soon off to college to join Jamison. Soon considered an adult rather than a teenager.

Even with Clara's situation as difficult as it was, Virginia could not keep the lightness from her step. Surely, surely with all the good happening in her world, things would work out for Clara and her baby, as well.

So Virginia went through each busy day dreaming and planning along with her classmates. The whole world stretched out before them, and each one sought to fulfill dreams in a little different way.

Jenny was almost beside herself with anticipation to “be done with this grubby little town,” but every remark she made caused Virginia further concern. Jenny had again decided she would go to university after all and had applied and been accepted. Now she talked of nothing but her impatience to finally be a part of dormitory life. But the scenes she always painted were not of students with serious interest in preparing for a future career, but of frolicking young people intent upon making up for all the fun they had been missing when constrained by home and family.

This was not at all Virginia's perspective on college life. She expected to spend far more time in the library than in the fraternity house or nearby confectionary. Of course, in between times she would be with Jamison—discussing ideas from a class, going to church events, enjoying a soda together.

Jamison had made up his mind about the offered job and would not be home for the summer. Another three months of letter writing rather than sharing experiences firsthand sounded rather bleak to Virginia, but she wrote that she understood and wished him well both in his work and in his football pursuits. “When I get there I will be your biggest fan,” the letter concluded. “I am so proud of you.”

But Rodney was coming home. Virginia could hardly wait to see her big brother; Francine still brought up the changes in him they might have to face. Virginia tried to push those thoughts aside, but they continued to nag at her.

One Saturday while she and her mother were taking a quick break from housework over cups of tea, Virginia broached the subject. “Do you think people change when they go off to university?”

“Undoubtedly,” Belinda replied without a moment's hesitation.

Virginia felt an uncomfortable feeling deep in the pit of her stomach.

“Why?” she responded, hoping her mother might give it further thought and retract her statement.

“We change all through life,” replied Belinda easily, reaching to pour herself another cup. She leaned back in her chair and took a sip. Virginia waited.

“But I suppose the late teen years might hold some of the biggest, fastest changes.”

She seemed so totally unconcerned that it puzzled Virginia.

“Do you think Rodney will have changed?”

“I'm sure he has.”

Still no concern in her voice.

“Aren't you—don't you sort of wish that he'd stay like he is?”

Belinda smiled, but she turned to look directly at Virginia. She put her teacup down on the saucer and leaned toward her daughter.

“No,” she said with a brief shake of her head. “I do love Rodney—just the way he is—the way he was. But I have watched many changes in Rodney's life over the years. Do you think I would want him to stay as that little preschooler I walked to school on his first morning? Or as that preteen a bit scared over his first job delivering the paper? Or as that high schooler with concern over his problem with skin blemishes and a first date?” Belinda shook her head again.

“No. I love him. Have loved him through each of his growing stages. But I do not want him to stay the same. I want him to grow. To mature. To become everything God has in mind for him. To be a man. Accept responsibility. Be a leader.

“And he will. I have every confidence he will. He's on the right track—your brother. Following the leading of his Lord. I want him to change, but I never want him to leave behind the solid base he has already established for who he is deep inside. But I also want him to build and develop and carefully nurture that inner self. And as that happens, there will be changes.”

Virginia nodded. But she did secretly hope that in the growing and maturing, the brother she had always known would still be recognizable. There was so much that she did not want to lose.

And of course this also was true of Jamison.

———

Graduation day started rainy and looked as though it would stay that way. Virginia groaned as she stared out her window. She had been named class valedictorian. Her mother had helped her to sew a new dress. Now the dripping weather threatened to drown all her excitement over the special occasion.

Jenny, too, was to have a part in the ceremony. She would be speaking on behalf of the graduating class, summarizing the years spent within the halls of Hugh Carson High. Virginia did hope she would use wisdom in preparing and presenting her speech. Jenny had constantly tormented her on the way to and from school with bits of satire or downright rudeness that she claimed would be a part of her address.

Virginia knew she was teasing, or at least sincerely hoped she was. But she still felt nervous and irritated whenever Jenny came up with a new line about this teacher's ratty toupee or that teacher's foul-smelling breath. She had informed Virginia that she intended to say Miss Crook was such a constant natterer that, upon retiring for the night, her false teeth continued to chatter even after she deposited them in their container. Or that Mr. Noraway once got his beard and his tie mixed together and trimmed two inches off of both, which he then pasted on his bald pate as replacement for his hair loss. She concluded with a flourish, “Town folks thought he had taken to wearing a ribbon in his hair!”

Virginia was sure—or nearly so—Jenny would not be so foolish as to include such ridicule in her graduation address. But Jenny certainly was having a lot of fun teasing the class valedictorian.

Now, as Virginia donned the new dress and carefully combed and pinned up her hair, a queasiness gripped her stomach that she had never felt before. Her hands were moist, her throat dry. She was nervous. Out and out nervous. Regrets that Clara would not be at her graduation—or Rodney, or her beloved Jamison—quickly vanished. Indeed, she took to wishing that no one would be there. Not her parents, her grandparents, her uncle Luke—or any other member of their small community. Even her concern over the dreary weather was forgotten. She could not remember a single line of her carefully prepared speech. Frantically she grabbed up the well-fingered note cards for one more perusal. She was sure she would never be able to deliver the address in any kind of coherent fashion.

And Jenny? Would she really dare to present some of her outrageous material? Suddenly Virginia did not care. If Jenny really, really made a scene, perhaps folks would forget that she, Virginia, had disgraced the family name with her faltering presentation.

She bundled up in the coat she had earlier declared she would not wear for fear it would crush her dress and gloomily followed her parents from the safety of her home.