A Sin and a Shame (35 page)

H
osea was calling.

“Jasmine, Jasmine, wake up.”

She opened her eyes with a smile. Serena smiled back. “Let me take Jacqueline. Both of you fell asleep.”

She handed her baby to her sister, then sighed. She was so sure it was Hosea’s voice she heard. It was like she couldn’t get the sound of him from her mind. Nor could she forget his touch, his smell. Every part of him was still with her, even after a week.

Since he’d walked out of the hospital room, she’d done all she could, but it was difficult when she couldn’t reach him. All she could do was flood his cell with messages. She begged, pleaded, told him that Jacqueline needed him, reminded him how much she loved him. Sometimes she was contrite, nonchalant, even angry that he wouldn’t give her a chance. But most often on the phone, she’d cried, hoping he could feel her pain.

Still, there was not a word from him.

“I think I’m going to take Jacqueline out today,” Serena said. “She’s been cooped up without any sunshine.”

“Isn’t it too cold to take out a newborn?”

“No, it’s a pretty warm today, and I’m going to bundle my niece up,” she said, cooing at the baby. “We’ll only stay out for about ten minutes.” She turned toward the baby’s room. “Go on, get dressed.”

“I’m not going,” Jasmine said. “I’m still a bit sore.”

“Walking will help.”

Jasmine declined, and in less than an hour, Serena and Jacqueline were wrapped to go.

“Take care of my baby,” Jasmine said as she kissed Jacqueline’s eyelids, the only part of her that wasn’t covered.

The moment she closed the door, she wanted to rush behind Serena. It wasn’t until that second that she realized she hadn’t been apart from Jacqueline since they’d come home.

“It’ll just be ten minutes, Jasmine,” she told herself.

She sat and waited. And the thought came back. The thought that had been rolling over in her mind for a week. The thought that had first come when she’d taken Serena’s advice and began talking to God.

She shook her head. She couldn’t do it. She stood, paced, but the idea followed her.

Before she could change her mind, she grabbed the telephone, dialed, and willed herself not to hang up.

“Reverend Bush’s office.”

Mrs. Whittingham’s voice made her cringe. “May I speak to Reverend Bush, please?”

There was a pause. “Who’s speaking?”

Jasmine was sure the woman already knew the answer. “Jasmine Bush.”

Her smirk came through the phone. “I’ll see if the reverend is in, for you.”

As she waited, she perused the options in her mind. She could tell him that Jacqueline was very sick, or that they had been robbed. Or maybe even that she had been attacked. Somehow, she’d convince him that she needed his son.

“Hello, Jasmine, how may I help you?”

She opened her mouth.
Get rid of all of these lies and plans, and just depend on God.
Jasmine said, “I’ve been trying to reach Hosea…and…he won’t return…he won’t call me back.”

“I’m sorry, Jasmine, but I don’t know what I can do about that.”

I should have lied.
“I was hoping, praying that you would talk to him. Reverend Bush, I just want the chance to talk to Hosea.”

Several beats passed before he said, “Jasmine, I don’t want to get involved.”

“But you are involved. You’re his father and he respects you.” She sighed. “I wouldn’t have called if I had any other choice.”

Again, there was a pause. “I can’t make any promises—”

“That’s fine,” she said with hope in her voice. “I was just…praying that you would at least listen to me. And you’ve done that. So, thank you.”

More time passed. “Have a good day, Jasmine.” Before she hung up, she heard him call her name. “How’s Jacqueline?” he asked.

Jasmine half-smiled. “She’s wonderful, Reverend Bush.” Then he hung up.

She stood in the same place for minutes, going over the reverend’s words. Serena was right—it was better, without the lie.

She returned the phone to the cradle and dropped to her knees. Talking to God seemed to be working. There was no need to stop now.

S
he sure is beautiful
,” Mae Frances said.

Jasmine handed Jacqueline back to her sister.

Serena said, “I’ll be in her bedroom. It was nice meeting you, Mae Frances.”

“So,” Mae Frances began once they were alone, “have you heard anything from the preacher man?”

Jasmine shook her head. Thought about the call she’d made to Reverend Bush days ago.

Mae Frances said, “That’s good.”

“Why do you—” She stopped. Held up her hand. “We need to change the subject.”

Mae Frances shrugged. “It’s amazing how you don’t want to talk about the truth.”

Jasmine shifted on the couch so that she faced her neighbor. “You want to talk about the truth? Then, tell me the truth about Dr. Edmonds.”

Mae Frances sat higher. “Jasmine Larson, you are always in my business.”

Jasmine could not believe her neighbor’s words. But with her stare, she told Mae Frances that she refused to let the subject go.

“All right. Jeremy is a good friend of mine. Has been for years.”

“How good?”

Mae Frances raised her eyebrows.

Jasmine leaned forward. “I want to know. Are you two knocking boots?”

Slowly, Mae Frances rose from the couch. Looked at Jasmine as if she’d never been so insulted, and then she smiled. “Can’t say that we’ve…knocked boots…for a while. Can say that we used to.”

“I knew it,” Jasmine exclaimed. “So, he’s been keeping you company since your husband left.”

“He’s the reason my husband left.”

Jasmine’s mouth was shaped into a wide
O.
“He’s the one? The affair?”

Mae Frances nodded.

“Wow, so you’re not involved and he still comes around?”

“We were always friends,” Mae Frances said, sitting down. “In fact, Elijah Van Dorn introduced us. It wasn’t long after we met that we had that fling, though it was shortened by my husband’s father.” She sighed. “I ended up being divorced and Jeremy didn’t.”

“He’s married?”

She nodded again. “Still is. His wife didn’t leave him.” She chuckled. “I guess she’s not a Christian.”

“Mae Frances, why do you keep blaming your divorce on your in-laws being Christian? You had an affair. If they had been atheists, I think the reaction would have been the same.”

“Maybe, but my problem with Christians is what they claim to be.”

“Okay, I’ve known a few like that too. But I just get mad at them, not at God.”

“Never said I was mad at God. Can’t be mad at something I don’t believe in.”

“Did you ever believe in God?”

“As much as I believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But then I grew up and I discovered which parts of life were real and which parts were fairy tales.”

Jasmine shook her head. “I’m the first one to admit that I don’t do everything right by God. But I really feel sorry for you. I can’t imagine living without faith.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve got plenty of faith, it’s just not misplaced. I have faith in myself.”

Jasmine wanted to ask where her faith had led her.

Mae Frances stood. “If you’re finished trying to recruit me to your side, I have some things to do. Just wanted to check on you and the baby.”

Even after Mae Frances was gone, Jasmine sat. She’d been able to buy her neighbor food; she wished she could buy her real faith.

“Well, well.” Serena came into the living room and handed Jacqueline to her sister. “Never thought I’d hear my sister witnessing.”

“That’s not what I was doing. I was just talking. Mae Frances is really lost.” Then she asked, “If you heard, why didn’t you come out here and help?”

Serena shook her head. “You can’t argue anyone into believing in God. I stay away from that. Just try to let my life be a testimony.”

“My life isn’t much of a testimony right now.”

“Yes, it is. The way you’re standing, the way you’re believing, the way you’re praying. Mae Frances will see that, and who knows?”

Jasmine shook her head. She was sure of it now. Mae Frances and God? That would never happen.

J
acqueline wailed.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with her?” Jasmine asked as she rocked her baby.

Serena chuckled, but continued folding the clothes into her suitcase. “There’s nothing wrong with Missy. She’s changed, she doesn’t want her bottle. She’s just being fussy. Has an attitude about something.”

Jasmine nodded and walked some more; still, Jacqueline cried. As she cradled her baby and watched her sister pack, Jasmine felt like joining her daughter. Even after two weeks, she couldn’t believe Serena was leaving.

“Maybe I should go with you,” Jasmine said suddenly.

Serena paused, faced her sister. “Go with me where?”

“To Florida.”

“That doesn’t make sense. We just hired Mrs. Sloss and as many women as we had to go through, that woman is going to be a nanny for Jacqueline.” Serena turned back to her suitcase.

“But I’m thinking, there’s nothing keeping me here.”

Serena sighed. “Jasmine, you’re just scared, but you’re going to be fine. Mrs. Sloss will help you take care of Jacqueline. And in a couple of weeks, you’ll be back at work. But the most important reason for you to stay,” she walked to where her sister stood, “is that you and Jacqueline need to wait here for Hosea.”

Serena’s words seemed to soothe Jacqueline. Her whimpers stopped, just as Jasmine’s tears began.

“This isn’t like you,” Serena said. “What happened to the woman who refuses to be denied?”

“This time, it’s not going to happen, Serena. I gave up the lies. Gave up the plan, like you said. And I’ve been praying every day. But still, not a word from Hosea. He’s never coming back,” she whispered.

A knock interrupted Serena’s response.

Jasmine said, “That’s just Mae Frances. I don’t feel like dealing with her right now.”

“I’ll tell her you’re resting.”

Jasmine closed the bedroom door behind Serena and sat in the rocker. She hadn’t considered going back to Florida until now, but maybe she should. Being a single mother was not how she imagined life in New York.

Jasmine sighed. A week ago, she’d had hope. But as each day passed she was beginning to accept that she couldn’t fight this.

“You’ll be warmer in Florida,” she said to Jacqueline. “You’ll have your auntie, and your cousins.” The thought that she couldn’t tell her daughter that she’d have her father brought back her tears.

“Jasmine,” Serena called, “can you come out here?”

She sucked her teeth. She’d told Serena that she couldn’t deal with Mae Frances right now.

She stood, wiped her tears away, then marched toward the door. “Mae Frances,” she said, whipping open the door. She stopped. “Hosea.”

He stood next to Serena, shifting from one foot to the next, as if he didn’t belong—or didn’t want to be—there.

“Let me take the baby,” Serena said.

As she pulled Jacqueline from Jasmine’s arms, Hosea said,

“Serena, can I—”

“Sure,” she responded before he finished.

As her sister took Jacqueline to Hosea, Jasmine stood still, fearing any move might drive him away.

It had been two weeks since she’d seen him, but a lifetime had passed. She wanted to rush to him, hold him, beg him to stay.

He peered at Jacqueline. “How’re you doing, little one?”

Even from across the room, she could see their baby wiggle at the sound of Hosea’s voice.

“Yes, I’m here,” he said.

She belongs to you,
she said inside.
Just like I do.

It wasn’t until Serena took Jacqueline into her room that Hosea looked at Jasmine.

“She’s gotten bigger,” he said. “I didn’t expect that.”

Jasmine searched his eyes for the love she hoped was still there. But when he looked at her, she saw nothing. She said, “It’s good to see you.” She motioned toward the couch and he followed her. When she sat on one end, he sat on the other.

“I’m glad you came over—”

He held up his hand. “Jasmine,” he began with his eyes away from her. “I can’t even explain why I’m here. But there are some things I need to know.”

No lies,
she thought as she nodded.

“When I look back, there were so many signs. I mean, you were pregnant so soon,” he said as if that sounded stupid to him now. “I guess love
is
blind. Makes you believe the ridiculous.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“When did you know you were pregnant?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard her apology.

She swallowed, thought about editing her words to keep hurt far from him. “I suspected the night before our wedding.”

He flinched. “You walked down that aisle knowing you were pregnant.”

She shook her head. “I wasn’t sure and I was praying it wasn’t true because I loved you so much. Just as I do now.”

This time, it was her words of love that he ignored. “So, when—”

“The day you overheard me talking to the doctor.” She answered before he could ask.

“Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“The look on your face when you thought the baby was…ours. I couldn’t. I did try once,” she added. “I didn’t want this lie between us anymore. But when you came home and talked about cheaters—I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You were going to let me believe forever that Jacqueline was my daughter.”

“Hosea, she is.”

“No, she’s not.”

“She is in every way that counts. You took care of me, of her. You loved her every day. And I came to believe she was your baby.”

“Stop saying that,” he said slowly. “She’s not mine, and saying she is won’t make it so.” He paused. “I just want to know why?”

She swallowed again. “It had absolutely nothing to do with you. Every time it happened,” she paused as his hands balled into fists, “I wondered why it did because all I could think of was how I was falling in love with you.”

“So this was going on all that time. Behind my back.”

“No, it was only a few times. And I never sought him out. He came after me and…I was weak. It was hard for me with you, and no sex. I tried to talk to you about that—”

His head turned slowly until his eyes held hers. With his eyebrows raised, he said, “So, this is my fault?” She shook her head, but he continued. “You slept with some man, carried his baby, and then tried to pass her off as mine, all because I wanted a relationship where I honored you and honored God?”

“No. You asked me why and I’m doing the best I can to explain. My relationship with you was different, and that’s why I knew my love for you was different as well. Hosea, you’re the first man I ever really loved.”

“But you didn’t love me enough to stay out of some other man’s bed.”

She didn’t let the sting of his words deter her. “I wanted the intimacy of sex from you, but—”

He held up his hand and stood. “Don’t say it again. Don’t even think about blaming me.”

She stood with him. “I’m not. This is my fault, my mistake, one that I will regret forever.” She paused, and thought of her baby. She didn’t regret Jacqueline, but she kept that thought inside. “I love you and don’t want to lose you.”

He looked at her as if he didn’t believe a word she said, as if he never would.

“Hosea, please.” She reached for him, but he stepped away from her grasp. “I’m sorry, but you’ve got to believe that I love you.”

His eyes held the same disdain that he’d entered with. “I have one more question, and don’t lie, Jasmine.”

She nodded.

“Were you ever with him once we were married?”

“No!” she exclaimed, relieved that was the truth. “Not even once we were engaged.”

He grabbed his jacket.

“Hosea, I know we can work this out.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t come over here for that.”

It was only instinct that made her back away and she watched as he stepped toward the door. She followed him with her eyes only. But the moment he put his hand on the door-knob, he said, “Would you mind if I saw Jacqueline again?”

“Of course not.” She turned, but he held up his hand and then disappeared into their baby’s room.

Jasmine stood outside the bedroom, away from his sight.

“Isn’t she a cutey?” she heard Serena say.

“Yeah.”

Jasmine smiled because she could hear his smile.

“Sit over here while you hold her,” Serena said.

Time passed until Serena stepped into the hallway.

“What are you doing?” she whispered when she bumped into Jasmine.

Jasmine held her finger to her lips and pressed closer to the door. The rocker creaked as Hosea moved back and forth, and Jasmine could imagine his eyes—loving, caring—as he looked at their daughter.

The sisters heard Hosea say, “I loved you even before you were born.”

Jasmine pressed closer; peeked around the opening and watched Hosea kiss their daughter. She rushed into the kitchen.

“Yes,” Jasmine cheered as softly as she could.

“I told you!” Serena whispered, following her sister.

A moment later, Hosea called Serena. When he came out of the bedroom he thanked Jasmine.

“You can see her any time.” She added, “She’s your daughter and she needs you.”

He almost nodded; he almost agreed.

The moment he left, Serena came into the living room holding Jacqueline. “Now what were you saying about moving to Florida?”