A Sin and a Shame (36 page)

M
ae Frances,” Jasmine said
the moment her neighbor opened the door. “Don’t say anything.” She stomped past her into the apartment. “This is not charity,” she said, holding up two shopping bags.

Mae Frances frowned. Her back stiffened. Her shoulders straightened.

“My sister went shopping before she left and the way she shops you would think there are ten people living with me. Jacqueline and I are never going to use all of this stuff.” She placed the bags on the table. “So, here. You can pay me back later.”

Mae Frances eyed the bag’s contents, looked at Jasmine again, finally smiled. “Thank you, Jasmine Larson.” Her smile went away. “What has you so chipper?”

Jasmine plopped onto the couch. “I think Hosea’s coming back.”

Mae Frances raised one eyebrow before she sat next to Jasmine. “When did this happen?”

“Yesterday. Nothing’s definite. But I know he loves me. And he loves the baby.”

Mae Frances smirked. “Did he
say
he was coming back?”

Jasmine held up her hand. “I’m not going to let you bring me down, Mae Frances. This is the first time I’ve had hope.”

“Hmph, I’m just trying to help so you won’t be disappointed. That man ain’t never coming back.”

Jasmine chuckled, shook her head.

“I’m just speaking from experience.”

“And I’m speaking from mine. You know what’s helped me?” She paused. “Prayer.”

“Oh, brother.”

“My sister told me to start praying,” Jasmine explained, ignoring the grimace on her friend’s face. “I did. And the next thing I knew, Hosea was there, willing to talk.”

“You think prayer did that?”

“Yeah.” She paused. “You should try it sometime.”

Mae Frances laughed. “That won’t ever happen.”

“Oh yeah?” Jasmine turned toward her. “So you really don’t think Hosea will come back?”

“Never. I know men.”

“And I’m beginning to really know God.” She’d just bought Mae Frances two bags of food. Maybe now, she could bring her some faith. “Let’s make a deal. Remember that Bible I gave you?”

Mae Frances’s eyes narrowed. “Yes.”

“If Hosea comes back, I want you to take the Bible.”

“Oh, please.”

“What are you worried about? If you’re right, that Bible will stay in my apartment.”

Mae Frances folded her arms.

“You’re scared?” Jasmine teased.

“You think you’re so smart. All right. I’ll accept, and I’ll raise you one better. The preacher man comes back, I’ll take the Bible and I’ll go to church with you.”

Jasmine grinned. “For a year.”

“Why that long?” Mae Frances said grumpily.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Absolutely nothing.” Mae Frances rocked as she sat. “I won’t be going to no church.”

Jasmine held out her hand and it took a moment for Mae Frances to shake, sealing their agreement. Then she laughed. “Next thing you know, Mae Frances, you’re going to be saved.”

Her neighbor frowned; did not laugh with her.

“Well, let me get back to Jacqueline. I wanted to give her a little time with the nanny.” As she headed toward the door, she yelled over her shoulder, “Get your Sunday clothes ready, Mae Frances, ’cause you are going to church!”

H
ope had her on an
emotional roller coaster.

After Hosea’s visit, Jasmine had done all she could to prepare for her husband’s homecoming. She didn’t know when it would happen; she was just sure that it would. The picture of him holding Jacqueline, talking to her, kissing her, had Jasmine’s confidence high.

Each day she waited for Hosea to call, carrying both her cell and the cordless phone from room to room. Each night, she slept with both phones in her bed near her ear. Each morning, she determined that today would be the day when her family would come together. Each evening she prayed, trying to hold on to hope and faith.

Now, as she stood at the window of her office, she marveled at the clearness of the night. The stars were rhinestones against the blackened sky, glittering as bright as her wedding ring.

She glanced at the diamond on her hand. It had been four weeks since Hosea stopped by, and it had taken that long for all hope to be gone. She took off her ring, slipped it into her suit pocket.

“Knock, knock,” Malik said as he entered. “How was your first day back?”

“Long, tiring,” she said returning to her desk. “And I can’t wait to get home to Jacqueline.”

“So, do you think you’ll be able to do this woman-of-the-new-millennium thing? Can you handle this high-powered job and be a mother too?”

She shook her head. “Only a man would ask that. Women have been doing this new millennium thing for decades. I love Jacqueline and I’ll be eager to see her every night, but it sure feels good to talk to adults about something other than the newest formula, or the latest infant fashions.”

Malik chuckled, but then his expression became serious. “So—”

She raised her hand, stopping his question. “I haven’t heard from Hosea.” She fingered the diamond key around her neck. Soon, this would have to go too.

“I’m sorry, Jasmine. I really thought he would find some way to handle this.”

Jasmine shrugged. “Like you said, this is a big deal. He’d have to accept Jacqueline and realistically, would any man be able to accept another man’s child?”

“You’re putting all men into one category. Yes, there are men who could accept Jacqueline. Men raise stepdaughters all the time. And I would have bet all kinds of money that Hosea would have been one of them.”

“I’m glad you kept your bank account intact.” She stuffed papers inside of her briefcase and stood.

“Just know that I’m here. In any way, okay?”

She smiled. “I know.” But she walked out of the office without giving Malik the one thing she was sure he wanted. She could see it in his eyes every time she saw him—he was waiting for her to say that she didn’t blame him for having that conversation in the hospital. But she couldn’t say those words. Not yet.

By the time she entered her building, she barely had a nod for Henrikas. All she wanted was to get into her apartment, hold Jacqueline until she settled down, and then let unconsciousness take her away from the pressures of this life.

“Mrs. Sloss,” she yelled the moment she stepped inside, and then she stopped. Reverend Bush sat on the couch, holding Jacqueline.

“Jasmine,” he said before he handed the baby to Mrs. Sloss. “I hope you don’t mind. I stopped by to see you and the baby, and Mrs. Sloss said you’d returned to work today.”

“Yes,” she said, the frown still etched on her face.

“Don’t worry. Your doorman assured Mrs. Sloss that I was who I said I was. And I showed her the wedding pictures.” He pointed to the mantel.

“No, it’s okay,” she said. “I’m just surprised.”

“Let’s sit down,” he said as if this was his apartment. When Mrs. Sloss took Jacqueline into the bedroom, Reverend Bush said, “She’s something. Getting so big. She’s six weeks, right?”

Jasmine nodded, but didn’t say anything. She was waiting for the news. Surely, he had a message from Hosea.

There was a bit of silence and then, “So, how are you?”

“I’m fine. Reverend Bush, I want to thank you for listening to me when I called. Hosea did come by.”

He nodded. “I know, we’ve talked.”

There was no hope in his tone.

Reverend Bush said, “I asked Hosea to talk to you. I wanted the two of you…to find a way to work this out.”

It took seconds for his words to make sense. She wanted to jump up, slap him, do something. “If you wanted us to work this out, then why did you give me that ultimatum? Why did you tell me that I had to tell Hosea?”

“Because a marriage cannot survive on lies.”

“But you knew what this would do to us. You knew Hosea couldn’t handle this. No man could.”

The reverend shook his head. “I wouldn’t say that. I know plenty of men who could make this work.”

Jasmine folded her arms.

He said, “It wouldn’t be easy, but you see, there’s one thing I know. When you’ve tasted even just a bit of the mercy of God, it’s a lot easier to have a forgiving heart and do things you’d never thought you’d do.”

“So you told Hosea that we should work this out?”

“Yes. But like he—and you—told me a long time ago, Hosea’s grown.”

Jasmine stood, paced. Her thoughts were a ball of confusion bouncing inside her head. “I don’t get this, Reverend Bush. Now you’re for me and Hosea’s against me.”

“He’s not against you, Jasmine. He’s just hurt. But I told him that he could get past this. Because if God told Hosea to marry you, then he has to do it without compromise, and without conditions. He has to do it for a lifetime, not a limited time, no matter what’s going on.”

“You really believe that? Even with what I did?”

“What you did was beyond—” Reverend Bush shook his head. “But even with that I’m looking at this through God’s eyes. Just because something doesn’t look good to us, doesn’t mean it doesn’t look good to God. All of this may have happened just so Jacqueline could be here.”

“Reverend Bush, I feel that too.” She paused, trying to find the courage to ask, “You think Hosea can eventually accept Jacqueline?”

“Oh, he’s already accepted Jacqueline. She’s not the problem.”

That good news didn’t make her feel better. “I am,” she whispered.

He didn’t respond.

“Reverend Bush, I don’t know what more I can do.”

“Have you asked Hosea to forgive you?”

She threw her hands in the air. “I’ve told him over and over that I was sorry.”

“That’s not the same thing. You need to ask Hosea to forgive you.”

She frowned.

“You know one of the things that made a difference with me is that you asked me to forgive you. That’s what touched my heart, Jasmine. I wasn’t sure if you were really going to tell Hosea everything that had happened before, but that was between you and God. Forgiveness, that was my job. And since I ask the Lord to forgive me every day, I knew I could forgive you.”

“So, all I have to do is ask Hosea to forgive me and he’ll come back?”

“I’m not saying that. I don’t know.” The reverend stood, grabbed his coat. “But I do know that this is where I bow out. I’ve spoken to Hosea, and to you. Now it’s up to you, Hosea, and God. No one else needs to be involved.”

She followed him to the door.

He paused. “I’ve missed you in church.”

She folded her arms. “I can’t come there…not with Jacqueline.”

“I hope you’re still being fed spiritually.”

“I haven’t joined another church, but I’ve been reading my Bible more than I ever have. And, I’ve been praying. I’ve really tried to make God a part of my life.”

His smile was slight. “Good. But if you don’t mind, this advice Jasmine: Instead of having the Lord as just a part of your life, why not make Him the center? Let Jesus take the wheel.”

Without another word, he hugged her and then he was out the door.

O
kay,” Jasmine said as
she hung up the telephone. It was done—she’d taken the first step in this new life.

She entered the appointment into her PDA, then rushed into the bedroom to check on Jacqueline. She smiled as her daughter slept. She couldn’t believe how she’d grown. Each week, there was something new, and Jasmine lived just to see what her daughter would do next.

But at the same time, each passing week expanded the bridge between her and Hosea. It had been ten weeks now, and she’d seen him just once.

Although he hadn’t yet sent any divorce papers, she felt those were on the way. She needed to be prepared for them; she needed to move on.

She’d take that first step tomorrow. The broker said there were several apartments he wanted her to see. By next weekend, she and Jacqueline could be making plans to be in their new place.

She adjusted the blanket over her daughter, then glanced at her watch. Jacqueline would be up in an hour or so. She still had time to do what she’d come to enjoy doing on Sunday evenings.

When she picked up the Bible, an index card fell from the front pages.

Let Jesus take the wheel.

She’d written those words right after Reverend Bush had spoken them. Each morning she repeated them before and after she read her Bible. And she included the phrase in her prayers. She wasn’t sure exactly what those words meant, but she could feel peace at the center of her life. She found herself smiling, and enjoying Jacqueline. She let go of the urge to somehow coerce Hosea into coming home. This was not the life she would have chosen for her and Jacqueline, but she was coming to accept it. With a healthy daughter, and a six-figure income, she was wearing shoes that many would pay a high price to step into. Praying, and talking to Serena daily, helped her to recognize her blessings and turn the rest over to God.

Just as she opened the Bible, the telephone rang.

“Jasmine, this is Reverend Bush. How’re you?”

“I’m fine.” It surprised her, how hearing his voice pleased her. It almost felt as if he were her friend.

“And, how’s my—how’s Jacqueline?”

“She’s fine,” she said, matching the sadness that she heard in his voice. He’d never be able to call her his granddaughter.

“She’s getting big.”

“I can imagine. I’m sorry I haven’t been by, but I’m always thinking about and praying for you two.”

She thanked him and he asked, “Jasmine, have you thought about Jacqueline’s dedication?”

She frowned. “Dedication?”

“Some churches call it a christening. But at City of Lights we dedicate the baby to God until she’s able to accept Jesus on her own.”

“No, I haven’t thought about that.”

“Well, I’d be honored if you allowed me to perform the service. We’re doing a few baby dedications next Sunday.”

Next Sunday? At City of Lights? In front of all those people—Brother Hill, Mrs. Whittingham, and a host of other gossipers and naysayers who were probably rejoicing in her misery?

“Reverend Bush, thank you, but I can’t do that—” She left it there, hoping he wouldn’t ask for her reasons.

After a moment, he said, “I understand. Still…”

She wasn’t going to be talked into it. Even now, she could hear the snickers, see the smirks.

He said, “I may have a solution.” He paused. “The most important thing is that we do this for Jacqueline. The time doesn’t matter, the people don’t matter. Really, only you, Jacqueline, and I need to be there. So, we won’t do it on Sunday. What’s another day that’s good for you and I’ll close the church.”

“I don’t know,” she said, trying to imagine the sight. The two-thousand-seat cathedral closed and only the three of them standing, at the altar. “Have you ever closed the church before?”

“No, but that has nothing to do with my wanting to do it now.”

A dedication to God, for Jacqueline. Something she hadn’t considered, but maybe with God in her life, Jacqueline wouldn’t grow up making the mistakes she had.

“Okay,” she said. “Do you have any time available this week?”

“I do, but let’s do it next week. This way, you’ll have some time to invite people to stand with you. I know Serena may not be able to make it, but Malik, any other friends.”

She held her breath, waiting for him to mention his son.

He continued, “I want you to have people there who will pledge to stand by and help you raise Jacqueline in the Lord.”

“That’s a good idea,” she said, trying to keep the sorrow from her voice.

They made plans for the following Thursday. At seven o’clock her daughter would be dedicated to God, behind the closed doors of City of Lights.

Jasmine sighed as she hung up the phone, but the moment she heard Jacqueline’s cries, she wiped away her tears. She needed to push sadness away.