A Step to Nowhere (4 page)

“Why? It could be dangerous.”

“I want to know if they are still following me. What if they don’t know that I picked up the phone? That person ran so fast he could have missed it. I’m almost positive it was a man. Now that I know they are on my tail, that’s the first step. And second, now that I know they are watching, I probably can see a spy.”

Ray took a pause.

“I worry about you. It’s a very, very strange and unusual situation.”

“I’ll call my boss and then come to your place. Do you mind?”

“I just worry, but I can’t wait to see you. I couldn’t sleep last night.”

I wanted to say I hadn’t slept either, but it would be a lie; plus, I couldn’t call myself sentimental. I could gush over a drooling baby or a clumsy pup, but not over a man. I also couldn’t call my boyfriends babe, hon, bunny, or tell them I loved them. Words, for me, meant less than actions. Yes, I slept through the night as if dead and didn’t even go to the bathroom. Probably that was why I wanted to do just that instead of drowning in declarations.

“Ray, I’ll drive to your place, okay?”

“I’d say it would be reckless, but I know you … I’ll wait in the lobby.”

“No. They might start suspecting.”

“Let’s hope they don’t know that you have the phone.”

“Okay.”

I said goodbye. No kissing the phone or talking of forever love. I still felt weak and didn’t want to get off the couch, but I had to do it if I didn’t want to make my couch wet. I went to the bathroom, took a shower and brushed my teeth, trying not to think about strangers who were actively interested in my life for some reason unknown to me. I put my robe on, twisted a towel over my hair, and made myself a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. I sat back on the couch and put the darn, blue phone in front of me on the glass table. I drank coffee, the phone was quiet.

Who were these people? Who was I to attract such unhealthy interest? Could it really be an admirer? Who could be interested in me without my knowledge? Maybe …

I took an empty cup into the kitchen and went to the bedroom to get dressed.

Could it be Jason? What if he had hired a private eye to follow me because …

Black or blue?

Both dresses were tight and short. They were telling the world: Here I am! I’m here for you! Take me.
Dear babe, I’m your bunny, I’m yours forever!

Jeans and a white sweater would be a great choice. Perfect for the weather, sexy, but in moderation. Jeans were tight, great for my ass.

Don’t forget to call your office.

“What if he was jealous?”

Jealous? Of whom? Hypothetically? I didn’t notice any signs. He had never talked about it, hadn’t hinted. Plus, it wasn’t in his personality. I knew Jason.

Should I wear my hair up? Actually no, it was still wet. Better in the car, on my way. I could use some perfume, blush, mascara, and a lip gloss. Get rid of this unhealthy pallor; create a fresh look.
Can we do it? Yes, we can!

What if it was my mom? No, she wasn’t crazy. She also wouldn’t spend that kind of money to hire someone. Then who?

I brushed my wet hair, thinking that my sweater would become wet too, added some color to my eyes, lips and cheeks. In the mirror, I saw a pretty, twenty-nine-year-old woman. When I’d met Ray I was twenty-four. He was twenty-three but I had always felt as if I were younger. He was always so reasonable, so smart, so
grown up
, but at the same time he was a boy. I had been forever seventeen; irresponsible, rough, with a constant desire to shock. I had changed during these years, but hadn’t grown up. Who were these people? What did they want from
me
?

Don’t forget perfume
. Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue was just right. Sexy, but subtle. When they found me with my head shot through, I would smell of Elizabeth Arden. Elizabeth Arden and lacy underwear was going to look fancy on an autopsy table.

“My Lord, what am I thinking about? What autopsy? Why would somebody shoot me?”

My legs became weak and I sat down on the floor. What if somebody really wanted to kill me? But why? There would be no logical explanation for it. Could I cross somebody’s path without knowing about it? They could hire a killer and …

“I need to talk to someone.”

Ray wanted to help and I wanted his help, but he didn’t know my life. He didn’t know who I had met, what I had done. Who would I tell? What if it was one of the people I knew? Maybe it was Jason? I would tell him, he would promise to help, but he was the one to organize it in the first place. Jason would not kill me. Actually, why not? How did I know? When he made pork chops he looked like a maniac. He would raise the knife and cut the meat like he was really enjoying it.

“Stop it. It’s not even funny.”

I picked myself up from the floor and looked in the mirror again, just to make sure that blush couldn’t hide protruding fear and mascara couldn’t conceal the panic in my eyes. Okay, I needed to calm down. Nothing had happened, really. Somebody followed your every step and then told someone else about your every move; so what? Not a big deal. It could happen to anyone.

“Mommy, somebody wants to kill me!”

Stop it! Why couldn’t I be cold, like other people? No emotions, just logic. Cold and calculated logic. What if I were to pull Ray into some kind of trouble? What if he was going to have problems because of me? People who watched me should know that I was with him last night and for a reasonably long time. What if it
was
Jason? No, it couldn’t be. Should I really get out of the house?

Before leaving, I grabbed a cup of yogurt and ate it fast, standing by the fridge. I had usually been eating muesli for breakfast, or a cheese sandwich, but I wasn’t hungry at all, so I forced myself eat at least yogurt to have some energy going.

I decided to make a call to work from the car and locked the door, double checking that I’d really locked it. Then I took the stairs to the lobby from my second floor apartment and stopped by the exit, trying to bolster my courage before going out. What if there was a person in a blue parka waiting for me? A person who had been doing this every day and I hadn’t noticed. It was because I never looked around; my focus was inside my head. I actually hadn’t checked how far the history of my following went. Why hadn’t I? Maybe it would give me an answer.

The door opened without my help and my neighbor, Lauren, entered the building with a little dog under her arm. She was dressed in short, black shorts and a fashionable jacket. A beautiful, twenty-year-old girl. Could somebody be stalking her too? Why not? She deserved it more than I. I would follow her for her long legs alone. Stalker. No, it couldn’t be. Stalkers worked alone. The person who watched me transferred the information to somebody else.

“Hi, Sam!”

“Hi. How are you?”

“Great. It’s raining outside. I wanted to put my white jeans on, but they would be dirty before I got to the subway.”

“It’s going to be dry before lunch time.”

“They promised rain again. Hate this weather.
 
'Kay, see you later.”

“Listen, Lauren!”

She stopped before the elevator, impatience in her eyes and a smile on her lips.

“I have a strange question,” I giggled like an idiot. I didn’t mean to giggle, it was a reflex. “Have you seen a stranger outside?”

“What do you mean? There’re like zillions of them.”

“I mean … I haven’t had my coffee yet. Somebody who walked there, as if waiting for someone?”

Lauren thought it over, raising her eyes to the ceiling and scratching her dog behind the ear. I just noticed that the dog had sparkling polish on its claws.

“No,” she said.

“You take Luke out for a walk every day; maybe you’ve seen the same person by our building? In a blue parka?”

“Is it a game or something?”

“No, it’s just … Okay, never mind. Sorry for keeping you.”

Lauren raised her eyebrows, the look on her face said that she had aways known about her neighbor’s psychological condition. She turned to the elevator and pressed the UP button.

As for me, I breathed heavily, as if I were about to give birth, grabbed the door handle, and stepped outside.

I didn’t know yet that I was not going to come home for a long, long time.

CHAPTER 6

I wanted to phone my boss from the car, but there was no time for it. I concentrated my attention on the rearview mirror, trying to see a potential spy. I was lucky to notice it (I had no idea if it was a man or a woman) after about five minutes of driving. A black Mini Cooper with dark windows followed me. The driver cut off other cars to keep up with me. But, damn him! I couldn’t see who was inside through the dark windows. When I had an opportunity to change lanes, he dodged after me with confidence, and stayed close. It was sort of funny. The runner driving an SUV and the chaser in a Mini. Those Minis though, were amazing little cars.

A few minutes before I reached my destination the pursuer dropped back out-of-sight, as if evaporated. For a second I even believed in a supernatural explanation of the situation. Just for a second. Supernatural would be for books and films, it didn’t work for real life.

I locked the car and stood by it for a few minutes, expecting Mini. I pretended to search in my bag and tie my gym shoes. Why did I put gym shoes on instead of high heels? Did I think I’d have to run?

Pursuer hadn’t reappeared, but Ray came out of the building and dashed toward me. Jeans, a white linen shirt, untucked. I froze looking at him. I forgot about the chase, the phone, and my gym shoes. I just wanted him to hug me.

He did just that, turning me into a rag doll; then he seized my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

“I saw you were alone and ran to meet you. Did somebody follow you? Why didn’t you call?”

“A black Mini Cooper was after me, but they fell behind somewhere.”

“Mini Cooper?” he asked, as if he had heard the name for the first time. “Mini Cooper.”

“They had tinted windows, I couldn’t see anything inside.”

Ray looked around.

“Let’s go.”

He pulled me after him and I dragged myself along, like a sheep. I was always like this, two polarities with no in between. Either I didn’t let someone get close to me or it was take me I’m yours forever. Was it the same with Jason? No, Jason was a different story.

The apartment was on the seventeenth floor, unlike mine, on the second, and opened to a great panoramic view of the city. I stopped by the window, sipping the offered Martini and watching the landscape of stone and concrete. Ray walked behind me; put his arms around my waist, and his chin on my shoulder. I could stay like this my whole life. Well, maybe a few hours. His scent, his warmth, his breath. It was crazy; no one should love like this. I told myself that and so did my friend Leslie.
You can’t love with all your might, you can’t give yourself away completely, and you can’t show a man that you’re ready to do everything for him. No, no, no.

I put the half-empty glass on the windowsill and turned to Ray. We looked at each other for some time then he kissed me. So many years, just dreaming about these lips touching mine, and finally feeling them. He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. We knocked down a vase from the coffee table and it made us laugh, taking away the tension.

We sat in the living room later. I put on his shirt, which fell to my knees and the sleeves covered my hands. I was not a midget, more of medium height, but Ray was taller by a head. He was dressed in the same jeans and T-shirt. We drank wine, ate crackers with cheese, and inspected the phone. Thin and blue. Ray checked all the messages, then threw the phone on the couch, and picked up his glass.

“A week of messages, but who knows how long it went on before that? Maybe they’ve deleted most of them.”

“Do you have any ideas? What ideas though? You don’t know anything about my life through these years.”

Ray took my hand, brought it to his lips.

“I hope to make up for that.”

I moved closer to him; put my head on his shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk or think about it,” I said, closing my eyes.

“Neither do I. Unfortunately, our meeting and this strange event have coincided. Maybe they should have.”

“What do you think I should do then?”

“First of all, move away from me. I can’t think about anything when you’re so close.”

I smiled and moved away.

“Better?”

“Not much.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Me neither, but we won’t get anywhere.”

I took my glass. The wine had become warm, but I still drank it. I felt strange. I was shaking from fear when I was driving here, but now I didn’t care. Like nothing had really happened, and if something was going on without my knowing about it, it didn’t threaten me with serious trouble. I couldn’t get into trouble when Ray was beside me. I didn’t want to know anything; I wanted to forget. I wanted to stay in his embrace and do nothing. I hadn’t called my job and it seemed that I’d missed an incoming call. Let it be. I didn’t care.

“I want to dial one of these numbers,” Ray said, putting the empty glass on a side table.

“They will know for sure I’ve found the phone if you do.”

“Not necessarily. We can figure out something. Then we’ll go to the police.”

“Police? You think I should?”

“Of course. I don’t think it’s a joke; too much work has been done for that. It may be something really serious. Just imagine what luck it is that
you
picked up this phone instead of someone else.”

“If I hadn’t seen you, I wouldn’t have stopped and none of this would have happened. I would have stayed unaware.”

“So, you’re glad you found me?” Ray narrowed his eyes.

“No! I still regret that. I regretted it yesterday, I regret it today and I can regret it even more now.”

He chuckled, leaned toward me, and kissed me quickly on the lips.

“You’re adorable. These scamcases …scumbags, won’t stop what they’ve started. How could I have lived without you all these years? My wife looked like you, but she wasn’t you. I came to my senses in time and didn’t destroy my life or hers.”

He was looking at me, and warmth from the wine or desire slowly spread over my body. All three years we had worked together, I felt it every time he approached at a dangerous distance. I was such an idiot. Or maybe it was the way this was supposed to go. Maybe all of this really wasn’t a coincidence.

“We need to figure it out.” His voice became hoarse and he cleared his throat before picking up the phone.

“I’ll refresh the drinks.” I picked up the glasses and went to the kitchen to fill them up. I took the bottle of wine out of the fridge and put it to my burning cheek. Maybe my friend was right. You can’t love a man like this. It was too far to fall if you got disappointed. But I was not going to be disappointed. Not in him. Not ever. No matter what. Even if he had used me, I would be fine with it. I had gotten what I wanted and I had no regrets.

“Hello.” I heard, and my heart went cold. He was calling one of those people who had been following me. I peeked out of the kitchen and watched his beautiful face. It was changing expressions, his lips were moving.

“I found this phone yesterday and just now thought about it … No, I don’t need a reward, I can just give it to you … I can do it …” He looked at me. I shrugged and nodded. “I think an hour and a half … Maybe some mall or something?”

I returned to the kitchen and poured wine into the glasses. So, the person who answered the call didn’t know that I had his phone. That was good. At least, I thought it was good, but only time would tell. Ray, as it had always been during our time working together, took all the responsibility. I liked it. With Jason, I had to make all the decisions: from the restaurant to sex position. Sometimes he initiated things, but he did it apprehensively, as if he felt guilty about it. He wasn’t weak, no. Rather, a strong and confident man who would let a woman lead him, and arrange it as if he was happy with the situation and we did things equally. I would say he was happy. Only, in spite of my obstinacy and a desire to do everything myself, sometimes I wanted to just be a woman and shift the responsibility onto a strong man’s shoulders. No, Jason couldn’t organize lurking or stalking.

Ray entered the kitchen as I was about to come out.

“Did you hear?”

“We’re meeting in an hour and a half. Was it a man?”

“Yes. I’d guess about thirty. That’s all I can tell about him. I want you to stay here while I’m meeting him.”

I wanted someone to take care of me, to save me from problems, but I wanted to stay involved. Even when I rode in a car on the passenger seat, my foot kept pushing imaginary brakes when we approached a red light. I had to be in control of my care. Here, I couldn’t stay aloof. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
Want and can
, two enemies. I couldn’t put Ray at risk while sitting home in comfort. No way.

“No way,” I said.

“That person who followed you could be here now and see you coming out.”

“If he’s the one who lost the phone, he’s going to meet you. I can change my appearance and get a taxi. We can think of something.

“Change your appearance. How are you going to change your appearance?”

“I don’t know. I’ll think of something.”

“Damn, you’re so beautiful.”

I raised my eyebrows.

Ray took the glasses from me, put them on the table, and pulled me to himself.

“We have plenty of time,” he whispered, pressing his lips against mine. I had drunk only one glass of wine, but my legs became weak; so did my whole body.