Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (13 page)

The narcissist equates
emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental and the
emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the
vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving.
He mocks expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid
of
empathy
. He is so
afraid of his True Self that he would rather disparage it than
admit to his own faults and "soft spots".

He likes to talk about
himself in
mechanical terms
("machine", "efficient", "punctual", "output", "computer").
He suppresses his human side diligently and with dedication. To him
being human and survival are mutually exclusive propositions. He
must choose and his choice is clear. The narcissist never looks
back, unless and until forced to by life's
circumstances.

All narcissists fear
intimacy. But the cerebral narcissist deploys strong defences
against it: "scientific detachment" (the narcissist as the eternal
observer), intellectualising and rationalising his emotions away,
intellectual cruelty
(see my
FAQ regarding
inappropriate affect
)
, intellectual
"annexation" (he regards others as his extension, property, or
turf), objectifying the other and so on. Even emotions that he does
express (pathological envy, rage) have the not wholly unintended
effect of alienating rather than creating
intimacy.

Abandoning the
Narcissist

The narcissist initiates his own
abandonment because of his fear of it. He is so terrified of losing
his sources of Narcissistic Supply (and of being emotionally hurt)
that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the
potentially destabilising situation. Remember: the personality of
the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously
balanced.

Being abandoned could cause
a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come
crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in
such cases. But, if the narcissist had initiated and directed his
own abandonment, if it is perceived as a goal he set to himself –
he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences.
(See
the section about Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms in
the
Essay.
)

The Dynamics of the
Relationship

The narcissist lives in a
fantasised world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary)
achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The
narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the
Grandiosity Gap – the abyss between his sense of entitlement
grounded in his inflated grandiose fantasies – and his
incommensurate reality and meagre accomplishments.

The narcissist's partner is
perceived by him to be merely a Source of Narcissistic Supply, an
instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that –
blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist – such a tool
would malfunction. The needs and grievances of the partner are
perceived by the narcissist as threats and slights.

The narcissist considers his very
presence in the relationship as nourishing and sustaining. He feels
entitled to the best others can offer without investing in
maintaining his relationships or in catering to the well-being of
his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather
justified) guilt and shame – he pathologizes the
partner.

He projects his own mental
illness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective
identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick"
or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What
he denies in himself, what he is loath to face in his own
personality – he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to
his prejudices against himself.

The narcissist must have the
best, the most glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning,
mind-boggling spouse in the entire world. Nothing short of this
fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real
life spouse – he invents an idealised figure and relates to it
instead.

Then, when reality conflicts too
often and too evidently with this figment – he reverts to
devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and becomes threatening,
demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively
critical and sadistic – or cold, unloving, detached, and
"clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to
his fantasy, for "refusing" to be his Galathea, his Pygmalion, his
ideal creation. The narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding
God.

Moving On

To preserve one's mental health –
one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on.

Moving on is a process, not a
decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept
painful reality. Such acceptance is a volcanic, shattering,
agonising series of nibbling thoughts and strong resistances. Once
the battle is won, and harsh and agonizing realities are
assimilated, one can move on to the learning phase.

Learning

We label. We educate ourselves.
We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights.

Then we decide and we act. This
is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance,
knowledge, support and confidence, we face the battlefields of our
relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises
those who do not mourn – but fight; do not grieve – but replenish
their self-esteem; do not hide – but seek; do not freeze – but move
on.

Grieving

Having been betrayed and abused –
we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser
– the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage
he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or
to trust again – and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost
someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving
selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be
worse?

The emotional process of grieving
has many phases.

At first, we are dumbfounded,
shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters.
We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and
fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful.
Then we accept. Then we cry. And then – some of us – learn to
forgive and to pity. And this is called healing.

All stages are absolutely
necessary and good for you. It is bad not to rage back, not to
shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is
equally bad to get fixated on our rage. Permanent grieving is the
perpetuation of our abuse by other means.

By endlessly recreating our
harrowing experiences, we unwillingly collaborate with our abuser
to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we
defeat our abuser, minimising him and his importance in our lives.
It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was
done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not
necessarily to re-experience.

Forgiving and
Forgetting

Forgiving is an important
capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven.
But it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. It is
legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the
severity or duration of what was done to you.

In general, it is unwise and
counter-productive to apply to life "universal" and "immutable"
principles. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid edicts.
Sentences which start with "I never" or "I always" are not very
credible and often lead to self-defeating, self-restricting and
self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and
integral part of life. One should never seek them out, but when
confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through
conflicts and adversity as much as through care and love that we
grow.

Human relationships are dynamic.
We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even our marriages
periodically. In and by itself, a common past is insufficient to
sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate
relationship. Common memories are a necessary but not a sufficient
condition. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily
basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and
empathy.

Remaining Friends with the
Narcissist

Can't we act civilised and remain
on friendly terms with our narcissist ex?

Never forget that narcissists
(full fledged ones) are nice and friendly only when:

1. They want something from you –
   Narcissistic Supply, help, support, votes, money… They prepare the
   ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favour"
   they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for Narcissistic
   Supply ("What did you think about my performance…", "Do you think
   that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").
   

1. They feel threatened and they
   want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing
   pleasantries.
   

1. They have just been infused with
   an overdose of Narcissistic Supply and they feel magnanimous and
   magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of
   flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of
   grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere
   receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented
   infatuation with his False Self.
   

This beneficence is
transient. Perpetual victims often tend to thank the narcissist for
"little graces". This is the
Stockholm syndrome
:
hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captors rather
than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors
for ceasing their hideous activities and allowing us to catch our
breath.

Some people say that they prefer
to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to
their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned in
early childhood. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive,
stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the
presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his
absence.

I see nothing inherently "wrong"
with that. The test is this: if someone were to constantly
humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese – would you
have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have
been conditioned by the narcissistic Primary Objects in their lives
(parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic
Chinese, to turn a deaf ear.

This technique is effective
in that it allows the
inverted narcissist
(the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good
aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence,
the constant drama and excitement, the lack of intimacy and
emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then
the narcissist breaks into abuse in Archaic Chinese. So what, who
understands Archaic Chinese anyway, says the Inverted Narcissist to
herself.

I have only one nagging doubt,
though:

If the relationship with a
narcissist is so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so
unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or
otherwise)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm
syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the
Police) and who deny their own torment?

Narcissists and
Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of
being abandoned exactly as are codependents and
Borderlines.

But
their solution is
different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines
are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint
of being abandoned.

Narcissists facilitate their own
abandonment. They make sure that they are abandoned.

This way they achieve two
goals:

1. Getting it over with – The
   narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and
   inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very
   impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification or
   impending doom. They must have it all now, good or bad.
   

1. By bringing the feared
   abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively.
   "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the
   situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was
   I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this "official version" as
   the truth. He might say: "I abandoned her emotionally and sexually
   long before she left."
   

This is one of the
important Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms
 (EIPM)
 that I write about in
the
Essay
.

Why the Failing
Relationships?

Narcissists hate happiness and
joy and ebullience and vivaciousness – in short, they hate life
itself.

The roots of this bizarre
propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which
operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a
narcissist).