Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (17 page)

The roles of Primary Source
of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS) and Secondary Source of Narcissistic
Supply (SSNS) are reversed. To the inverted narcissist, her
narcissistic spouse is a Source of
PRIMARY
Narcissistic
Supply.

The child can also reject the
narcissistic parent rather than accommodate her or him.

R
ejection

The child may react to the
narcissism of the Primary Object with a peculiar type of rejection.
He develops his own narcissistic personality, replete with
grandiosity and lack of empathy – but his personality is
antithetical to that of the narcissistic parent.

If the parent were a somatic
narcissist, the child is likely to grow up to be a cerebral one. If
his father prided himself being virtuous, the son turns out sinful.
If his narcissistic mother bragged about her frugality, he is bound
to profligately flaunt his wealth.

An Attempted DSM Style List of
Criteria

It is possible to compose a
DSM-IV-TR-like set of criteria for the Inverted Narcissist, using
the classic narcissists' as a template. The two are, in many ways,
two sides of the same coin, or "the mould and the moulded" - hence
the neologisms "mirror narcissist" or "inverted
narcissist".

The narcissist tries to merge
with an idealised but badly internalised object. He does so by
"digesting" the meaningful others in his life and transforming them
into extensions of his self. He uses various techniques to achieve
this. To the "digested", this is the crux of the harrowing
experience called "life with a narcissist".

The "inverted narcissist" (IN),
on the other hand, does not attempt, except in fantasy or in
dangerous, masochistic sexual practice, to merge with an idealised
external object. This is because he so successfully internalised
the narcissistic Primary Object to the exclusion of all else. The
IN feels ill at ease in his relationships with non-narcissists
because it is unconsciously perceived by him to constitute
"betrayal", "cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he
has with the narcissistic Primary Object.

This is the big difference
between narcissists and their inverted version.

Classic narcissists of all
stripes reject the Primary Object in particular (and object
relations in general) in favour of a handy substitute:
themselves.

Inverted Narcissists accept the
(narcissist) Primary Object and internalise it – to the exclusion
of all others (unless they are perceived to be faithful renditions,
replicas of the narcissistic Primary Object).

Criterion ONE

Possesses a rigid sense of lack of
self-worth.

The classic narcissist has
a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this is not
conscious. He goes through
cycles
of
self-devaluation (and experiences them as
dysphorias).

The IN's sense of self-worth does
not fluctuate. It is rather stable – but it is very low. Whereas
the narcissist devalues others – the IN devalues himself as an
offering, a sacrifice to the narcissist. The IN pre-empts the
narcissist by devaluing himself, by actively berating his own
achievements, or talents. The IN is exceedingly distressed when
singled out because of actual accomplishments or a demonstration of
superior skills.

The inverted narcissist is
compelled to filter all of her narcissistic needs through the
primary narcissist in her life. Independence or personal autonomy
are not permitted. The IN feels amplified by the narcissist's
running commentary (because nothing can be accomplished by the
invert without the approval of a primary narcissist in their
lives).

Criterion TWO

Pre-occupied with fantasies of
unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of an ideal of
love.

This is the same as the DSM-IV-TR
criterion for Narcissistic Personality Disorder but, with the IN,
it manifests absolutely differently, i.e. the cognitive dissonance
is sharper here because the IN is so absolutely and completely
convinced of their worthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur
are extremely painful "dissonances".

With the narcissist, the
dissonance exists on two levels:

Between the unconscious feeling
of lack of stable self-worth and the grandiose fantasies

AND
between the grandiose fantasies and reality (the
Grandiosity Gap).

In comparison, the Inverted
Narcissist can only vacillate between lack of self-worth and
reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous,
forbidden fantasy. This shows that the Invert is psychologically
incapable of fully realising her inherent potentials without a
primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or
accomplishments through. She must have someone to whom praise can
be redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of
self-worthlessness and genuine praise that cannot be deflected is
likely to emotionally derail the Inverted Narcissist every
time.

Criterion THREE

Believes that she is
absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e., worthless and not worthy
of merger with the fantasised ideal) and that no one at all could
understand her because she is innately unworthy of being
understood. The IN becomes very agitated the more one tries to
understand her because that also offends against her righteous
sense of being properly excluded from the human race.

A sense of worthlessness is
typical of many other PDs (as well as the feeling that no one could
ever understand them). The narcissist himself endures prolonged
periods of self-devaluation, self-deprecation and self-effacement.
This is part of the
Narcissistic Cycle
. In
this sense, the inverted narcissist is a partial narcissist. She is
permanently fixated in a part of the narcissistic cycle, never to
experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and
sense of entitlement.

The "righteous sense of being
properly excluded" comes from the sadistic Superego in concert with
the "overbearing, externally reinforced, conscience".

Criterion FOUR

Demands
anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs)
and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention
being paid to her – similar to the
Schizoid PD
.

Criterion FIVE

Feels that she is undeserving and
not entitled.

Feels that she is inferior to
others, lacking, insubstantial, unworthy, unlikable, unappealing,
unlovable, someone to scorn and dismiss, or to ignore.

Criterion SIX

Is extinguishingly
selfless, sacrificial, even unctuous in her interpersonal
relationships and avoids the assistance of others at all costs. Can
only interact with others when she can be seen to be giving,
supportive, and expending an unusual effort to assist.

Some narcissists behave
the
same
way
but only as a means to
obtain Narcissistic Supply (praise, adulation, affirmation,
attention). This must not be confused with the behaviour of the
IN.

Criterion SEVEN

Lacks empathy. Is
intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it
relates to her own need to perform the required self-sacrifice,
which in turn is necessary in order for the IN to obtain her
Narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist.

By contrast, narcissists are
never empathic. They are intermittently attuned to others only in
order to optimise the extraction of Narcissistic Supply from
them.

Criterion EIGHT

Envies others. Cannot
conceive of being envied and becomes extremely agitated and
uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where comparison
might occur. Loathes competition and avoids competition at all
costs, if there is any chance of actually winning the competition,
or being singled out.

Criterion NINE

Displays
extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is
publicly self-effacing in the extreme, is internally highly
moralistic and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages
in lengthy ritualistic behaviours, which can never be perfectly
performed (
obsessive-compulsive
, though not necessarily to the full extent exhibited
in Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder). Notions of being
individualistic are anathema.

The Reactive Patterns of the
Inverted Narcissist (IN)

The Inverted Narcissist does not
suffer from a "milder" form of narcissism. Like the "classic"
narcissists, it has degrees and shades. But it is much more rare
and the DSM-IV-TR variety is the more prevalent.

The Inverted Narcissist is liable
to react with rage whenever threatened, or…

…
When envious
of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness,
happiness, rewards and successes, when her sense of
self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an
event, when her lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is
threatened. Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react
violently or wrathfully to
GOOD
things: a kind remark, a
mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a
sexual advance.

…
When thinking about
the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative
ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.

…
When her
pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and
being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful
world.

…
When she comes
across stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry – it is these
qualities in herself that all types of narcissists really fear and
reject so vehemently in others.

…
When she believes
that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she
is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing
half-baked creature.

…
When she realises to
what extent her inner demons possess her, constrain her life,
torment her, deform her and the hopelessness of it all.

When the Inverted Narcissist
rages, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She uncannily
spots and attacks the vulnerabilities of her target, and
mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and
self-loathing until it infects her adversary.

The calm after such a storm is
even eerier, a thundering silence. The Inverted Narcissist regrets
her behaviour and admits her feelings while apologising
profusely.

The Inverted Narcissist
nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of
self-destruction and
self-defeat
. It is from this
repressed self-contempt and sadistic self-judgement that the
narcissistic rage springs forth.

One important difference between
Inverted Narcissists and non-narcissists is that the former are
less likely to react with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
following the breakup of their relationships with a their
narcissists. They seem to be "desensitised" to narcissists by their
early upbringing.

Whereas the reactions of normal
people to narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the
splitting and projective identification defence mechanisms and to
the idealisation devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and
disorientation – inverted narcissists show none of the
above.

The Life of the Inverted
Narcissist

The IN is, usually, exceedingly
and painfully shy as a child. Despite this social phobia, his
grandiosity (absorbed from the parent) might direct him to seek
"limelight" professions and occupations, which involve exposure,
competition, "stage fright" and social friction.

The setting can vary from
the limited (family) to the expansive (national media) – but,
whatever it is, the result is constant conflict and feelings of
discomfort, even terror and extreme excitement and thrill
("
adrenaline rush
").
This is because the IN's grandiosity is "imported" and not fully
integrated. It is, therefore, not supportive of his "grandiose"
pursuits (as is the case with the narcissist). On the contrary, the
IN feels awkward, pitted on the edge of a precipice, contrived,
false and misleading, not to say deceitful.

The Inverted Narcissist grows up
in a stifling environment, whether it is an orthodox,
hyper-religious, collectivist, or traditionalist culture, a
monovalent, "black and white", doctrinarian and indoctrinating
society – or a family which manifests all the above in a microcosm
all its own.

The Inverted Narcissist is cast
in a negative (emergent) role within his family. His "negativity"
is attributed to her gender, the order of her birth, religious,
social, or cultural dictates and commandments, her "character
flaws", her relation to a specific person or event, her acts or
inaction and so on.