Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (14 page)
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Authors: Sam Vaknin
Tags: #abuse, #abuser, #ptsd, #recovery, #stress, #torture, #trauma, #victim
First, there is pathological
envy.
The narcissist is constantly
envious of other people: their successes, their property, their
character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact
that they can feel, their good moods, their past, their future,
their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their
location…
Almost anything can be the
trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing,
which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious
experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people
out of their own nagging sense of deprivation.
Then there is narcissistic
hurt.
The narcissist regards himself as
the centre of the world and the epicentre of the lives of his
closest, nearest and dearest. He is the source of all emotions,
responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the
axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the
broker, the pillar, forever indispensable.
It is therefore a bitter and
sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy
for reasons that have nothing to do with the narcissist. It
painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many
causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts in other people's lives.
That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or
initiative. That he is not privileged or unique.
The narcissist uses projective
identification. He channels his negative emotions through other
people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to
enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes
the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause – or to
the "pathology" of the sad person.
"You are constantly depressed,
you should really see a therapist" is a common sentence.
The narcissist – in an effort to
maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic
purpose – strives to perpetuate it by constantly reminding of its
existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Can I
help you? Things haven't been going so well lately?"
Last but not least is the
exaggerated fear of losing control.
The narcissist feels that he
controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by
emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality.
The narcissist suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels
threatened and belittled by an emotion not directly or
indirectly fostered by him or by his actions. Counteracting someone
else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I
am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel
happy only when I tell you to.
Living with a
Narcissist
You cannot change people, not in
the real, profound, deep sense. You can only adapt to them and
adapt them to you. If you do find your narcissist rewarding at
times – you should consider doing these:
Determine
your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you
adapt to him (i.e., accept him
AS HE
IS
) and to which extent and in which ways
would you like him to adapt to you (i.e., accept you as you are).
Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject
the rest. Change in you what you are willing and able to change –
and ignore the rest. Conclude an unwritten contract of co-existence
(could be written if you are more formally inclined).
Try to maximise the
number of times that "…his walls are down", that you "…find him
totally fascinating and everything I desire". What makes him be and
behave this way? Is it something that you say or do? Is it preceded
by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to
make him behave this way more often?
Remember, though:
Sometimes we mistake guilt and
self-assumed blame for love.
Committing suicide for someone
else's sake is not love.
Sacrificing yourself for someone
else is not love.
It is domination, codependence,
and counter-dependence.
You control your narcissist by
giving, as much as he controls you through his
pathology.
Your unconditional generosity
sometimes prevents him from facing his True Self and thus
healing.
It is impossible to have a
relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the
narcissist.
It is, of course, possible
to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to
you
(see
FAQ
66
).
You modify your behaviour in
order to secure the narcissist's continuing love, not in order to
be abandoned.
This is the root of the
perniciousness of this phenomenon:
The narcissist is a meaningful,
crucially significant figure ("object") in the inverted
narcissist's life.
This is the narcissist's leverage
over the inverted narcissist. And since the inverted narcissist is
usually very young when making the adaptation to the narcissist –
it all boils down to fear of abandonment and death in the absence
of care and sustenance.
The inverted narcissist's
accommodation of the narcissist is as much a wish to gratify one's
narcissist (parent) as the sheer terror of forever withholding
gratification from one's self.
The Need to be Hopeful
I understand the need to be
hopeful.
There are gradations of
narcissism. In my writings I am referring to the extreme and
ultimate form of narcissism, the
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder
(NPD).
The prognosis for those merely with narcissistic traits or a
narcissistic style is far better than the healing prospects of a
full-fledged narcissist.
We often confuse shame with
guilt.
Narcissists feel shameful when
confronted with a failure. They feel (narcissistically) injured.
Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of perfection and
uniqueness is questioned. They are enraged, engulfed by
self-reprimand, self-loathing and internalised violent
urges.
The narcissist punishes himself
for failing to be God – not for mistreating others.
The narcissist makes an
effort to communicate his pain and shame in order to elicit the
Narcissistic Supply he needs to restore and regulate his failing
sense of self-worth. In doing so, the narcissist resorts to the
human vocabulary of
empathy
. The
narcissist will say anything to obtain Narcissistic Supply. It is a
manipulative ploy – not a confession of real emotions or an
authentic description of internal dynamics.
Yes, the narcissist is a child –
but a very young one.
Yes, he can tell right from wrong
– but is indifferent to both.
Yes, a process of "re-parenting"
(what Kohut called a "self-object") is required to foster growth
and maturation. In the best of cases, it takes years and the
prognosis is dismal.
Yes, some narcissists make it.
And their mates or spouses or children or colleagues or lovers
rejoice.
But is the fact that people
survive tornadoes – a reason to go out and seek one?
The narcissist is very much
attracted to vulnerability, to unstable or disordered personalities
or to his inferiors. Such people constitute secure Sources of
Narcissistic Supply. The inferior offer adulation. The mentally
disturbed, the traumatised, the abused become dependent and
addicted to him. The vulnerable can be easily and economically
manipulated without fear of repercussions.
I think that "a healed
narcissist" is a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron (though there
may be exceptions, of course).
Still, healing (not only of
narcissists) is dependent upon and derived from a sense of security
in a relationship.
The narcissist is not
particularly interested in healing. He tries to optimise his
returns, taking into consideration the scarcity and finiteness of
his resources. Healing, to him, is simply a bad business
proposition.
In the narcissist's world being
accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language.
It is meaningless.
One might recite the most
delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still remain meaningless to
a non-Japanese.
That non-Japanese are not adept
at Japanese does not diminish the value of the haiku or of the
Japanese language, needless to say.
Narcissists damage and hurt but
they do so offhandedly and naturally, as an after-thought and
reflexively.
They are aware of what they are
doing to others – but they do not care.
Sometimes, they sadistically
taunt and torment people – but they do not perceive this to be evil
– merely amusing.
They feel that they are entitled
to their pleasure and gratification (Narcissistic Supply is often
obtained by subjugating and subsuming others).
They feel that others are less
than human, mere extensions of the narcissist, or instruments to
fulfil the narcissist's wishes and obey his often capricious
commands.
The narcissist feels that no evil
can be inflicted on machines, instruments, or extensions. He feels
that his needs justify his actions.
Also Read
Codependence,
Counterdependence and Dependent Personality Disorder
The Two Loves of the
Narcissist
The Malignant Optimism of
the Abused
Grandiosity and
Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia
Narcissists, Narcissistic
Supply and Sources of Supply
How Victims are
Affected by Abuse
Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder (PTSD)
Recovery and Healing
from Trauma and Abuse
Mourning the Narcissist
Question:
If the narcissist is as abusive
as you say – why do we react so badly when he leaves?
Answer:
At the commencement of the
relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often
intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever,
empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much
more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of
life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness.
He is, in other words, ideal.
It is difficult to let go of this
idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and
invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is
that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that
one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and
interchangeable instrument (object).
The assimilation of this new
gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully
completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to
come to terms with their rejection as human beings – the most total
form of rejection there is.