Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (15 page)

We all react to loss. Loss makes
us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die – we feel
that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we
divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often
feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship,
that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are
ignored. In short, we again feel objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no
different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of
bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic
stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four
phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms.
Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their
life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the
narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him
(through others, for instance).

Others develop persecutory
delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their
lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued
"interest" in them – however malevolent and threatening that
"interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms,
which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief
psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient
forms of denial include the development of
ideas
of reference
. The narcissist's
every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the
suffering person, his ex, and to carry a hidden message which can
be "decoded" only by the recipient.

Others deny the very narcissistic
nature of the narcissist. They attribute his abusive conduct to
ignorance, mischief, lack of self-control (due to childhood abuse
or trauma), or benign intentions. This denial mechanism leads them
to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but
someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who merely
and innocently enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or
an unwitting part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse
gullible victims.

Often the narcissist is depicted
as obsessed or possessed – imprisoned by his "invented" condition
and, really, deep inside, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At
the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions we find the
classical denial of loss – the disbelief, the hope that the
narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all
information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people
quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. Rage can
be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators
of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific
circumstances. It can be directed at oneself – which often leads to
depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases,
suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and
engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or
osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It
is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed
with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice,
to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to
experience pleasure or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing
sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the
grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and
empty.

This, in turn, gives place to
gradual acceptance, renewed energy, and bouts of activity. The
narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in
his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But,
on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a
symbol, another life experience, or a (tedious) cliché. He is no
longer omni-present and his former victim entertains no delusions
as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to
the possibility and desirability of its renewal.

Also Read

The Inverted
Narcissist

 
Ideas of
Reference

Back to La-la
Land

The Psychology of
Torture

The Three Forms of
Closure

Traumas as Social
Interactions

The Malignant Optimism of
the Abused

How Victims are
Affected by Abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder (PTSD)

Recovery and Healing
from Trauma and Abuse

The Conflicts of
Therapy

Return

The Inverted Narcissist

The Clinical Picture and
Developmental Roots - Opening Remarks

Terminology

Codependents

People who depend on other people
for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or
daily functions. They are needy, demanding, and submissive. They
fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their
effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate
upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them
– they remain in the relationship. By eagerly becoming victims,
codependents seek to control their abusers.

See also a description of
the
Dependent Personality Disorder
  - or its definition in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
(DSM-IV-TR, 2000).

Inverted Narcissist

Also called "covert
narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on
narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a
narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to
one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. – it does
NOT
mean
that you are an inverted narcissist.

To "qualify" as an inverted
narcissist, you must
CRAVE
to be in a relationship
with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by
him/her. You must
ACTIVELY
seek relationships with
narcissists and
ONLY
with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter
and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel
EMPTY
and
UNHAPPY
in relationships with
ANY OTHER
kind of person.
Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a
Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an
"inverted narcissist".

Counterdependents

Most "classical" (overt)
narcissists are counterdependent. Their emotions and needs are
buried under "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and
hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity,
a sense of
entitlement
, a lack
of
empathy
, and
overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a
fluctuating sense of self-worth.

Counterdependents are
contumacious (
reject
and despise authority
),
fiercely independent, controlling, self-centered, and
aggressive
. They fear
intimacy and are locked into cycles of hesitant approach followed
by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team
players.

Counterdependence is a reaction
formation. The counterdependent dreads his own weaknesses. He seeks
to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence,
omniscience, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.

Introduction

Codependence is an important and integral part
of narcissism. Narcissists are either counterdependent or
codependent (Inverted).

The DSM-IV-TR uses 9
criteria to define the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD)
. It is sufficient to
show signs of 5 of them to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Thus,
theoretically, it is possible to have NPD without being
grandiose.

Many researchers (Alexander
Lowen, Jeffrey Satinover, Theodore Millon and others) suggested a
"taxonomy" of pathological narcissism. They divided narcissists to
sub-groups (very much as I did with my
somatic
versus cerebral narcissist
dichotomy).

Lowen, for instance, talks about
the "phallic" narcissist versus others. Satinover and Millon make a
very important distinction between narcissists who were raised by
"classically" abusive parents – and those who were raised by doting
and smothering or domineering mothers.

Glenn O. Gabbard in
"Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice" [The DSM-IV-TR
Edition. Comments on Cluster B Personality Disorders –
Narcissistic. American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 2000] we find
this:

"…what definitive
criteria can be used to differentiate healthy from pathological
narcissism? The time honoured criteria of psychological health – to
love and to work – are only partly useful in answering this
question."

"An individual's work
history may provide little help in making the distinction. Highly
disturbed narcissistic individuals may find extraordinary success
in certain professions, such as big business, the arts, politics,
the entertainment industry, athletics and televangelism field. In
some cases, however, narcissistic pathology may be reflected in a
superficial quality to one's professional interests, as though
achievement in and acclaim are more important than mastery of the
field itself.

Pathological forms of
narcissism are more easily identified by the quality of the
individual's relationships.

One tragedy affecting
these people is their inability to love. Healthy interpersonal
relationships can be recognised by qualities such as empathy and
concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in the ideas
of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term
relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge
one's own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are
characterised by these qualities may at times use others to gratify
their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of
sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive
style of dealing with other people. One the other hand, the person
with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as
objects to be used up and discarded according to his or her needs,
without regard for their feelings.

People are not viewed
as having a separate existence or as having needs of their own. The
individual with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder frequently ends
a relationship after a short time, usually when the other person
begins to make demands stemming from for his or her own needs. Most
importantly, such relationships clearly do not 'work' in terms of
the narcissist's ability to maintain his or her own sense of
self-esteem."

"…These criteria [the
DSM-IV-TR's] identify a certain kind of narcissistic patient –
specifically, the arrogant, boastful, 'noisy' individual who
demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to characterise
the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whose extreme
sensitivity to slights leads to an assiduous avoidance of the
spotlight."

The DSM-III-R alluded to at least
two types of narcissists, but the DSM-IV-TR committee chose to
delete this:

"…included criterion,
'reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation
(even not if expressed)' due to lack of 'specificity'."

Other theoreticians, clinicians
and researchers similarly suggested a division between "the
oblivious narcissist" (a.k.a. overt) and "the hypervigilant
narcissist" (a.k.a. covert).

The Compensatory versus the
Classic Narcissist

Another interesting
distinction, suggested by Dave Kelly in his excellent PTYPES Web
site
(
http://www.ptypes.com
)
is between the Compensatory Type NPD and the Classic NPD
(described in the DSM-IV-TR).