After the Before (4 page)

While I’m in my own deep thoughts,
this is when the secretary decides that she cannot keep her mouth shut any longer.

“I am so sorry about the accident
, and about your brother. Gosh, and your father? It must be horrible,” she says sympathetically.

The only other noise
s that penetrate my eardrums, besides her stupid voice, is a door creaking open to my left and my panicked, uncontrolled breathing.

Her words freeze me in place
, as anxiety begins to take over my body. My eyes begin to sting while I envision Jace and Marisol. With my heart pounding in my chest, I feel a full on panic attack taking hold of me.

A
male with a Spanish accent speaks behind us and saves me from breaking down in front of everyone.

“Yes, it is horrible. So
thank you
, Mrs. Chubby Bunny, for bringing it up before she starts her first day back – that ought to help her get off to a great start.”

The hefty secretary blushes, mumbling some kind of apology before removing herself from her chair.
She is obviously hurt by Alex’s “chubby bunny” remark.

I turn
, but I’m afraid to look at him. I’m afraid of what I may say, or what he might say in return. When my eyes finally take him in, my mouth hangs ajar… Alex resembles nothing of the boy I had once known; he has totally grown up.

A tall, lean, and very muscular body
has replaced what used to be his skinny, shorter framed one. His shirt hugs tight against his biceps, with visible tattoos coming out from the bottom of his sleeves; making him appear more ominous and dangerous. He has a darkened look in his unreadable brown eyes. His skin is a warm caramel tone, and he looks amazing
.
Of course, there is no way I would tell him that, but I’m sure my expression has already given me away.

I know that I need to walk away, but I find that I can’t move. Looking at him brings back not just the bad memories, but the good as well. I don’t want to think about either of those
because one may be more painful than the other, but they are both painful to me. We both lost family and friends, but for me, distance from him is what will help me move on.

Andrew
senses my unease and misinterprets it, so he steps in and speaks before I can.

“Thanks for the help, Alex
, but we can take it from here.” he says harshly as he dismisses Alex.

The only problem
I see is that Alex resembles the type of person that does the dismissing, not the other way around.

He looks at me one more time before walking out of the office
, not saying another word. From his reputation, I would have thought he would have kicked Andrew’s ass for even talking to him, let alone talk to him in that manner.

I release the breath I
didn’t realize I was holding. Lost in my thoughts, I forget that Andrew is even standing next to me until he speaks.

“You should
really stay away from Alex, Jasmine. He’s not the same person he used to be; He’s trouble, and he’s not someone you want to mix yourself up with,” he warns me.

It’s none of
Andrew’s business what I do or who I talk to, but I remain silent. At this point, I feel that the less I say, the better, so I let him walk me to my English class before thanking him and saying goodbye.

“Alright, I’ll see you around
,” he calls to me. I turn, and like a zombie, I walk into class.

The secretary’s words replay repetitively in my mind
, “
Sorry about your brother and your father.”
She has no idea that the word ‘
sorry’
could never touch the emotions that I’ve experienced. All her sympathetic words did was dredge up an emotional storm, one I’m trying hard to beat back in front of thirty other kids.

Chapter Seven

Alex

Running into Jasmine in the office first thing this morning was not what I expected. The
principal called me into his office to go over the rules and conditions that the court set forth for me. I would have to attend every class during every school day, unless I was sick. I would have to complete assignments on time and keep a GPA of at least a 3.0. I know I won’t have a problem keeping my grades up – I had one of the top three highest GPA’s when I was a sophomore.

We
finished our conversation and the principal was dismissing me to first period when I walked out and caught the last few words the secretary said to Jasmine. Her face was drained of all color, and her eyes were wild with panic – like the words knocked all the air out of her body.

The hefty
secretary’s words
had caused her distress. The stricken expression on her face was enough of a signal to know that she was beginning to lose it. I knew that kind of anxiety better than most people, and it was the last thing I wanted Jasmine to deal with on her first day back at school.

I had the
sudden need to speak up for her… to protect her somehow, even though my goal for the year was to avoid Jasmine. I have no ties to the person I was before half my family died, and I could not afford to become close to anyone again… separation is less painful if you remain detached.

In my first period math class,
I find thinking about anything other than Jasmine is impossible. It has been almost two years since I had seen or spoken to her. I knew when I saw her again that I would react in some way, but I didn’t expect
this
kind of reaction. This is an emotion that I am not going to start to analyze for fear of what I might find. Instead, I settle for replaying seeing her this morning in my mind.

When I knew
her, she was a tomboy. She hung out with Jace and all his – our – friends, doing guy things, but now she dresses in girl’s clothes instead of oversized boy’s clothes. Her hair is the same blonde with red highlights that I remember, but now it is long; cascading past her shoulder blades. All that bright golden hair surrounding her face makes her blue-green eyes more noticeable. If someone wasn’t careful, they could get lost in those eyes. Her soft, pink lips have filled out, making them plush. The further my eyes traveled down her body, I realized her lips were not the only things that had filled out… She has curves in all the right places. It was hard to keep my face straight and my jaw from dropping at the sight of her. Thank God I kept my cool.

When that cabr
ón she was with told me to back off, I wanted nothing more than to slam my fist into his face, then I thought that it would upset Jasmine more. That was the last thing I wanted to do, especially after how distraught she looked. I took a deep breath and decided to walk away. That was a first for me in a long time.

I heard Andrew warn her to stay away from me
, which made me want to turn around and finish what he started, but I realized that she didn’t say a word… she didn’t say anything at all. I don’t know what I was expecting from her, so maybe no reaction is for the best. I am nothing like the person I used to be. Before the accident, I cared, but now I don’t, and it’s that simple. It
is
better if she stays away from me; best for the both of us.

The day
dragged on. It had been a long time since I actually made it through an entire day of school. As I said before, keeping my grades up would be easy, whether I attended class or not.

By the time my last class
rolled around, I couldn’t wait to get it over with and get the hell out of here.

As
I turn the corner to biology class, I almost run right into Andrew.

From t
he expressions on the faces of him and his friends, who are there to back him up, quickly showed me that he was here waiting for me, and it was not a coincidence. I quickly size them up and figured I can probably take them all, or at least give them a good run for their money. Andrew just decides to stand there and stare at me, so I figure I should get this show on the road.

“Can I help you with something, Andrew?” I ask in a calm
, but bored tone.

“Yeah, Navarro
, you can stay away from Jasmine.”

“What makes you think I want to be around Jasmine?”
The question throws him off. He wasn’t expecting me to relent.

“Good. Then you won’t have a problem doing it.”

Now I want to mess with him.

“Who said I
didn’t
want to be around her?” I step closer to him, our chests almost touching.

“You don’t scare me, Alex. Jasmine wants nothing to do with you
– she doesn’t even want to be around you.” He sounds so sure of himself.

I stare him down
.

“And how do you know she doesn’t want to see me?”

Half of me wants to know what he knows, and the other half of me wants to piss him off. The outcome I desire more proves difficult to decide.

“
She told me that if she saw you again, it would be too soon. She couldn’t be reminded of the person who took her brother from her, and that when she looked at you, she saw your father.”

Andrew’s
words rock me. Another piece of my heart chisels away and drops into the empty abyss that is eating me alive. I keep my face unbelievably calm for the storm that’s raging inside of me. The sight of Andrew makes me want to go wild and beat him
and
his friends faces in.

Instead I say, “Well, tell her she has nothing to worry about
, I want nothing to do with her, either.” My voice is surprisingly solid, despite the shaking rage he’s ignited inside of me.

My
mind betrays me, clueing me in on how much I actually wanted to talk to Jasmine. Not only before school started, but after seeing her again, her image is all I see. Nevertheless, if she wants nothing to do with me, it’ll be easier to keep my distance from her.

The final bell rings
, signaling we are now late to class. Without muttering another word, I push past Andrew and his friends. I go slowly, daring one of them to take a swing at me and give me a reason to defend myself, but they let me pass without interference.

Luckily, class has not yet
started. Kids are still talking to one another, waiting for the teacher to call them to order. When I glance over to see what has got the teachers attention, my breath catches in my throat.

Long
, golden hair shines back at me, stopping me dead in my tracks. Her back is turned to me, assisting her neglect in noticing I’ve entered the classroom. I’m enjoying her backside, admiring the shapes and curves I’ve overlooked before, but when she stiffens and turns to look at me, I know she can sense my heavy gaze roaming over her.

Chapter Seven

Jasmine

This day has been so long. The excitement I had felt earlier about returning to school has long since vanished. It seems there are a lot of people that
were
excited for me to return, but those same people couldn’t think of anything to say other than, “Sorry about your brother.” By the end of the day, they decided to just stop talking to me altogether.

I wish I could say that I minded
, but actually, it is a huge relief. Besides, I was never friends with many of the kids at school. This was my brother’s crowd, not mine. Without him around, I will probably be a loner here.

I finally arrive at my last
class of the day – Biology. Andrew is in two of my other classes, and he has made certain that we sit next to each other. In a way, it is nice to have his attention, but I’m staying guarded. He seems genuine, but that still doesn’t tempt me to break down my wall and be open with him, or anyone.

I walk into
class, just seconds before the tardy bell rings and hand my schedule to the teacher. Most of my teachers want to know where I left off in home school. It turns out that I’m ahead of the senior curriculum by half a year. Most of the teachers seem to agree that if I can finish the second half of the curriculum now, I could graduate four months early. That is the highlight of my day.

The teacher is about three
-quarters of the way through the same speech every other teacher has given me throughout the day when I feel a warm tingle shoot up my spine. My heart skips a beat and jumps hard in my chest. I can sense someone’s eyes caressing my body; it feels like fingers are dancing along my spine.

I know who’s behind me without
turning to face him. He is making my skin tingle and come alive. I fight my body’s urge to turn around and meet his eyes, but I fail miserably, so I turn around to face him.

Instantly, his eyes lock on
and capture mine. They begin to move away to trace my body, all the way down to my shoes. People have checked me out before, but none of them have ever been as obvious as Alex is being right now. As his eyes travel, he pauses on my breasts, then my hips, and make their way back up to pause on my lips for a second longer before meeting my eyes again.

The teacher’s voice breaks through the fog lingering in my brain.

“Have a seat at the desk in the back, Miss Heartly.” She smiles at me, noticing who my gaze is on, oblivious to the silent burst of energy radiating between us. “Mr. Navarro, please take a seat next to Miss Heartly at the desk in the back.”

What
?

I make my way to the back of the room without tripping
or falling on my face,
and
well aware of his body heat drawing closer to mine. With each step Alex takes, I grow warmer. This is not helping the oath I made to myself to stay away from him.

We take our seats
and both of us try not to make eye contact. He clears his throat, but otherwise, remains silent.

I try hard to pay attention to what the teacher is talking about
, but it’s useless… I’m lost. All I hear is “Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa”. It is just like the mom on Charlie Brown.

The only
person I’m aware of is Alex; every tiny movement he makes, I know it. I can even smell the soap on his skin. He has all of my senses heightened, just by being close. I don’t remember him smelling this way – like a damp forest after the rain.

After
what feels like eons later, the last bell rings, signaling our dismissal for the day. I snatch my bag up and head for the door as fast as I can, feeling like I am home free, only to have him call out to me once I make it to the hall.

“Jasmine, wait up
,” he says.

Without wanting
it to, my body reacts and stops for his voice.

T
raitor.

I
turn to meet his gaze, but words stick in my mouth like peanut butter, so I stand in the hall and stare at him like an idiot.

His fingers comb through his magnificent hair
, and then his hand squeezes the back of his neck.

“Listen
,” he begins. “I know we haven’t talked in a long time, but I don’t want it to be weird between us.” He flinches slightly, signaling that even he knows what he just said sounded lame. “What I mean is… we used to be friends.”

His
unsure, pleading voice is the furthest thing from a hard-core gang member. He just seems like my old friend, Alex.

The next words tumble from my mouth without my permission, stunning not only myself, but him as well.

“Well, that was before your dad killed my brother.” I suck in a breath after the words are out. My face is calm but my eyes are wild. I can’t believe I just said that. How could I say such a thing to him? He is just as much a victim of the accident as I am. He lost his father and sister in the wreck, too.

The look in his eyes
tell me that I have wounded him deeply.

“If that’s how you feel about it
…” He nods with understanding and turns to head in the other direction mumbling, “Esto es cómo es?” His sudden change to Spanish leaves me standing there clueless, and completely ashamed of myself.

The further he moves away from me
, the more I feel sick, but strangely, I also feel his retreat, like he’s taking something of me with him. I don’t say anything as he goes. I want to say something, but then I realize that it should be this way. Letting him into my world, as much as I fear I might want him around, would only end badly.

Once
I’m home, I replay those harsh words. The more I think about them and the expression on his face once I said them, makes me feel worse by the minute. By two in the morning, I’ve beaten myself up enough to convince myself that I need to apologize to him tomorrow. Just because I want to avoid him, doesn’t mean I need to crush him, or cause him anymore hurt.

Seeing as how I made a complete bitch of myself today, I knew my night of sleeping was a
wash. I’m glad that today was one of those days my mom drank herself into a stupor, not waking at all the entire night. I needed a night off.