Again and Again (9 page)

The doctor stared at me but didn’t comment. “We’ll schedule the surgery.” He said his goodbyes and left our room.

Scarlet had never cried this much in her life. She sobbed into me, shaking. “My baby girl…”

“I know,” I whispered.

“I wish this wasn’t happening… I
’d do anything.”

“Me too.”

She breathed through the pain but she didn’t get any better. I kicked off my shoes then got into the bed beside her. Nothing was going to pull me away from her. If I wasn’t allowed in the room, they would have to get all of security to throw me out.

I listened to my wife sob in my arms. I hated myself. It was my fault this happened. I was the biggest piece of shit in the entire world. All I wanted was my wife to be happy. I wanted the little girl I’d been waiting for. But I ruined that.

10

Cortland

I was numb. I got the call from Sean sometime in the middle of the night. When he told me what happened, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t react. It was the worst thing I ever heard. I felt sick.

When I arrived at the house, everyone was there. Ryan was the most upset of all of us. Janice held him while he leaned on her. He was on the verge of tears but he never shed them around us. Janice and Monnique cried.

I was even choked up about it. I was excited to have a niece or nephew. And I hated imagining what Scarlet was going through. Of all people in the world, she deserved this least of all.

Sean came downstairs, his eyes red and his hair in disarray.

“How’s she doing?” I asked.

He seemed drunk, totally out of his mind. He rubbed his face and took a deep breath. “She’s resting.”

“Can we see her?” Ryan asked.

“No,” Sean said quickly. “She said she doesn’t want to see anyone.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t believe this is happening.” He took another deep breath then his lip quivered. He turned around so we couldn’t see his face.

Ryan hugged him and patted him on the back. “It’s okay, man.”

“I don’t know what happened…”

“I know,” he said gently.

“God.” He cried then stopped himself, regaining control of his emotions. When he pulled away, his eyes were still red and moist.

We all gave him a sympathetic look. We were all just as devastated.

“It’s all my fault,” he whispered.

“No, man,” I said. “Don’t say that.”

“But it is. I stressed her out with all my bullshit and then my mom just made it a million times worse.” He covered his face again. “I fucking did this.”

“You don’t know that,” Ryan said. “There could have been any other reason. Scarlet didn’t know she pregnant for a long time, so something could have happened…”

“It was me,” he said firmly. “I did this to her.”

He grabbed her hair then looked at the floor.

Janice wiped her tears away. “You can always try again.”

Sean sniffed. “It’s not the same… I just wish I could fix this.”

Ryan grabbed his shoulder. “Hey. You are the world’s best husband. You always put Scarlet first and you take care of her. Don’t put the blame on yourself, alright?”

Sean sighed heavily.

When I looked at Monnique, I saw her wipe her tears away. Everyone was affected by the news. It couldn’t have been worse. It affected us an entire family. I wished we could see Scarlet.

“When can we talk to her?” Ryan asked.

“She’s really upset….” Sean shifted his weight. “She doesn’t want to see anyone. I’ll let you know when she’s ready.”

Ryan sighed. “Please tell her we’re here for her.”

“Of course I will,” Sean said.

Ryan hugged him again. “We’ll get through this.”

Sean didn’t say anything.

Ryan and Janice left the house. I saw the accumulation of moisture in Ryan’s eyes. I suspected he would break down in Janice’s arms when they were alone.

Sean stood in front of us but he didn’t look at us. Suddenly, the door burst open and Mike ran inside.

“Is she okay?” he demanded.

Sean nodded, unable to speak.

Mike gripped his head. “God, I’m so sorry, man.”

Sean took a deep breath, and his eyes started to bubble with tears. Mike gripped him and pulled him in for a hug. They held each other for a long time. Mike gave him words of comfort and patted his back. I looked at Monnique, unsure what else to do.

“Can I see her?” Mike asked.

Sean shook his head. “She needs some time alone.”

He nodded. “Okay.” His eyes dripped with tears. “Tell her I love her, okay?”

“I will.” Sean sniffed then wiped his tears away.

“Do you need anything?”

“I…I can’t leave Scarlet right now—”

“Say no more,” Mike said. “I got the business under control. Take all the time you need.”

Sean nodded. “Thank you.”

“No needs for thanks.”

Mike clapped him on the shoulder again. “Let me know when she’s ready to see people.”

“I will.”

Mike left the house, shutting the door quietly.

Sean didn’t look at us. “I’m going upstairs. I don’t know how to make this better, but…I just need to go.”

“Don’t mind us,” I said gently.

Sean walked upstairs and disappeared in their bedroom.

When they were gone, Monnique covered her face and cried. “She doesn’t deserve this…”

Seeing her cry made me catch a knot in my throat. “I know.”

She sniffed loudly. “They were so excited.”

My breathing increased as the weight of the truth fell on me. We lost someone very special to all of us. Unable to control myself, I grabbed Monnique and hugged her. I pulled her to my chest and squeezed her. She cried into my shoulder and I felt my own tears fall. Her arms wrapped around my neck and held me close. The touch was exactly what I needed. Only Monnique could hold me like this. She was the only one who understood every emotion I felt without me saying it.

She felt perfect in my arms, exactly where she belonged. I held her so many times, and even after all the time apart, she fit perfectly in my embrace. My body was created just to hold her. She was the love of my life and she would always be the love of my life.

She pulled away slightly, her face in my view. Even when the tears fell down her face, she looked stunning. Her eyes shined with moisture, and beads of water were on her lips. Unable to channel my pain anywhere else, I used her. I pressed my lips to hers and felt the natural burn of my lips. Her tears were salty on my tongue, but she still tasted the same. I cupped her face and felt the desire and need surge through me. I was never happier than when I was kissing her. And after the pain of the afternoon, I needed that.

She cupped my face and felt my lips with purposeful kisses. Her breasts pressed against my chest and we united ourselves together. I hadn’t kissed her in months, but the embrace wasn’t awkward. We kissed each other like we always had. I breathed into her mouth and felt the pain stop throbbing. It was a small respite.

When I realized what we were doing, I knew I needed to end it. I still didn’t know what I wanted. I had a small moment of weakness but it needed to stop. I pulled away, my lips feeling suddenly cold as soon as they left hers. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be.” She grabbed my face and kissed me again. Her lips moved gently and she sucked my bottom lip, enticing me to fall into her for shelter and comfort. I wanted to—desperately. But I couldn’t.

I pulled away again. “I cant…I just can’t.”

Her eyes sagged in sadness.

“I…I should go.”

She averted her gaze then touched her lips, feeling the same heat I did.

Unable to look at her anymore, I left without looking back.

11

Mike

I’ve never known someone who’s had a miscarriage, and I’ve never been an emotional guy. Whenever something bad happened, I dissipated the pain with humor. I avoided the real issue as much as possible. But that was because I never had someone to talk to, to open up to.

When Scarlet and I became close, I told her all my problems. She never judged me or thought less of me. I could say anything and everything. But now Cassandra was the first person in my life.

I sat on the bed, feeling my tears fall. I wiped them away, not sure why I was crying. I never cried. When I was calm, I called Cassandra.

“Hmm?”

She was still asleep. “Hey, baby.”

“What do you want?” she said with a sigh.

“I need you.”

She detected my change of tone. That woke her up. “Babe, are you okay?”

“No. Could you come over?”

“I’m one my way.” She hung up.

I’ve never had someone at my beck and call. I never had someone to lean on, to rely on to get me through the hard times. I never had someone love me…not like Cassandra.

I left the door unlocked, so she walked inside and darted to my room. She sat beside me and held my hand.
“What happened?”

I took a deep breath. “Scarlet had a miscarriage.”

She gasped. “No…”

I nodded.

“I’m so sorry.” The moisture in her eyes told me she meant it.

I felt my own tears fall again. “I don’t understand why I’m so upset. I don’t know what it is…
.but everything hurts.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “It’s okay, Mike. You lost your niece or nephew. It’s perfectly okay to feel this way.”

“I just…I never cry.”

She kissed my tears away. “It’s perfectly acceptable.”

I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away. “My brother and sister don’t deserve this. They are the best people I know. They shouldn’t have to go through this.”

She moved into my lap. “They don’t.”

I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her. “I hate this…”

She kissed my forehead. “It’s horrible.”

“I was so excited to have a kid running around. I could teach them to play pranks on Sean, teach them to play baseball because Sean throws like a girl, and just…spend time with them, you know?”

“I know.” A few tears fell.

“And now…they’re gone.”

She hugged me tightly and fell silent. I closed my eyes and tried to fight the pain I felt. I couldn’t process what just happened. It was like I lost my own kid. And imagining the pain and loss Scarlet
was going through killed me. My brother broke down and cried. And he never cried. It was the worst thing that could happen.

“Let’s get in bed,” Cassandra said gently. She pulled my shirt off and helped me get undressed. I was in a daze, unable to think straight. When I was naked, she led me to the bed and tucked me. She took care of me. I’ve never had someone do that before. Then she stripped her clothes off and got beside me.

I wanted to connect with her to heal the pain in my heart, so I rolled on top of her and pulled her legs apart. She didn’t stop me or question my actions. When I looked at her lithe body underneath me, I was instantly hard. I was broken and needy.

I moved inside her in a quick motion then pressed my face closer to hers. Feeling the connection to someone reminded me that I would get through the pain. Love would make this better—eventually. I wouldn’t always feel as shitty as I do now. My brother and sister would pull through this. In time, they would heal.

12

Scarlet

All I felt was pain. My stomach was flat again. It was like my baby was never there.  Even though I didn’t finish my first trimester and we didn’t formally announce it, I felt like I lost a part of myself. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but Sean and I were so thrilled when I found out. We loved that baby the moment we knew I was having it.

And
to have it taken away was unbearable.

I never cared for having kids as I grew up. After the horrific childhood I had, I didn’t think I should procreate. But Sean put me back together and healed my past. He said I would be a great mom and I believed him.

I wondered what happened. Was it my fault? Did I do something? Was I barren? Would I never give Sean the kids he wanted? I hated thinking about it. It broke my heart.

I spent the next few days in my room. I never turned on the lights. It was always dark. I never spoke. I had nothing to say. I didn’t even want to see my family. I’d been through a lot of tough shit, but this was by far the worst. I’d never been in such pain. I’d rather
break every bone in my body than lose my child.

Sean was always there, wordlessly. He forced me to eat when I had no appetite, and he stayed in the room with me all the time. He worked on his laptop during the day and stayed on top of work. I just lay in bed—not moving.

By the end of the week, Sean didn’t go back to work.

“Sean, you don’t need to stay here with me.” It was dark in the room. I couldn’t see his face.

“I’m staying here with you.”

“But—”

“Mike can take care of everything. Don’t worry about it.” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. We hadn’t been affectionate for the past few days. He kissed my forehead.

“I’m so sorry…” This was the most we spoke in a week.

“Don’t say that ever again.” His voice carried his anger.

“Our baby…”

“I’m devastated too. But we’ll be okay.” He kissed my forehead again.

I didn’t cry because it was physically impossible. There were no tears to shed.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing, Scarlet. I put you through so much stress. I’m the one to blame.” His voice carried his pain.

“That’s not true, Sean.”

“Yes, it is,” he said bitterly.

“No.”

He fell silent.

I snuggled into him. I finally felt an appetite. It was the first time I was hungry in a week.

He moved his hand to my stomach. “We’ll try again—at a better time.”

“What if I can’t have kids…?”

“It won’t change anything, baby. All I need is you.”

“Really?”

“Of course. We could always adopt too.”

I nodded.

“But we’ll try again and see what happens.”

“Okay.” My stomach growled. And it was loud.

He smiled at me. It was the first time that happened in a week. “Hungry?”

“What gave me away?”

“What do you want? I’ll make anything.”

“French toast.”

“That’s very specific,” he said with a laugh.

“It sounds good.”

“Whatever you want.” He got out of bed and got dressed.

I sat up and put my feet on the floor. The only time I got up was to use the restroom. I stood up and pulled my clothes on.

“Coming downstairs?” Sean asked.

I nodded.

He smiled again. “Good. You want me to carry you?”

“I can manage.”

“Okay.”

He walked with me down the stairs, keeping an eye on me. After I sat at the table, he cooked my
breakfast even though it was evening. I didn’t have any sense of time anymore. I was always in eternal night.

He put the food on my plate. He almost cooked an entire bag of bread. “Wow…that’s a lot.”

“You haven’t been eating. So, if you’re hungry, you should eat up.”

He sat across from me and ate his own French toast.

I lathered mine in syrup and butter then ate quietly.

Sean kept looking at me across the table.

“What?” I asked without looking at him.

“I’m just happy you’re eating.”

“Oh.” The week had passed without any meaning. I was pretty much dead. “How is everyone?”

“Concerned,” he said. “They’ve come to the house every single day.”

“Where’s Monnique?”

“She got her apartment.”

“Oh.” I felt bad for not saying goodbye.

Sean read my mind. “She understood, Scarlet.”

“Okay. How’s Ryan?”

“They are all the same—pretty upset.”

I sighed, feeling sad.

“But they would like to see you, when you’re willing.”

“I’m sure they would.”

I finished my last piece when there was a knock on the door. “Expecting someone?”

“No.” Sean wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I’ll get it, baby.” He walked to the door. I could hear it open.

“Sean?” I
t was Diane.
Great.
The miscarriage gave me a new perspective on life. I wasn’t going to let her bother me anymore. As far as I was concerned, she didn’t exist. “I heard something horrible about Scarlet.”

“Mom, now isn’t the time,” Sean snapped. “Please leave.”

“No.” Her voice carried her emotion. “Scarlet lost the baby?”

“Yes,” he whispered. “We don’t know what caused it, but I suspect it was stress—from you.”

If stress were the culprit, I’d pin it on her too.

“Oh God.” I heard her start to sob.

That was not a reaction I expected.

“Where is she?” she said. “I need to see her.”

“Mom, she’s not in the mood.”

“Please.” I heard her plea. Her feet pounded against the hardwood floor as she bared in. “Scarlet!”

“I’m in here,” I said quietly.

Diane rounded the corner then burst into tears. She came to my side and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry for everything. I can’t believe this happened to you. My poor girl.”

Was this the same woman?

Sean came into the room and watched his mother. Andrew was behind him, his hand on Sean’s shoulder.

“This is all my fault,” Diane said. “I was so horrible to you. Please forgive me.” The tears fell down her face. “Scarlet, I didn’t it for it to get this bad. I was just out of hand. Andrew made me realize how wrong I’ve been, and knowing I caused you so much stress to lose your baby…it kills me.”

I felt like I was speaking to a different woman. Seeing her cry her heart out on my shoulder tugged at my heart. Her apology seem
ed sincere. “It’s okay, Diane.”

“No, it isn’t,” she said quietly. “But I’ll work on your
forgiveness. I really want you and Sean to have children. The last thing I need to do is stress you out.”

I patted her back. “Then let’s start over. I’m willing to try if you are.”

She nodded and wiped her tears with the backs of her hands. “I realize you are…different with the way you express yourself and do things, but Andrew, Mike, and Sean adore you, and I need to adore you as well. And, my husband told me about how horrible your mother was…I’m so sorry to hear that. It broke my heart.”

“I appreciate that, Diane.”

“God, it’s all hitting me how bad I was. I don’t understand why you are willing to forgive me.”

“Because I love your son,” I said honestly. “And I would do anything for him.”

She nodded. “He’s very lucky to have a woman willing to put up with me.”

“She
almost didn’t,” Sean jabbed.

I shook my head at him.

Diane sat beside me. “Is there anything you need, honey?”

“No. Just time.”

She nodded. “I understand.”

“Did the doctors say anything else?” Andrew asked.

I knew what he was really asking. “He said we could try again and hope for the best. He didn’t know what caused it.”

He nodded. “Well, I’m sure it will happen when the time is right.”

I knew he took the miscarriage the hardest. Sean said he was excited to have his first grandson.

“We’ll try again when Scarlet…recovers,” Sean said.

Silence fell on us for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. I knew I looked like hell.

“Well,” Andrew said. “We should let Scarlet rest.”

“Good idea,” Diane said. She stood up. “We should go shopping when you’re up to it.”

“That would be great,” I said.

Sean walked them to the door then came back. “So…are you and my mom okay?”

I nodded. “She apologized.”

He breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

“I don’t want to break up your family, Sean. I’ve never wanted that.”

“I know,” he said gently.

He came behind me and rubbed my shoulders. “I know everyone is anxious to see you—if you’re up to it.”

“I think I’ve made them wait long enough.”

“How about we have everyone over for some milkshakes?”

I smiled. “We’ll use Ryan’s blender.”

He kissed my forehead. “It’s the only one we got.”