Again and Again (11 page)

But she still looked sad, and I hated it when she was sad.

Like an idiot, I wrapped my arms around her and held her. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s just…protective of me.”

She sighed when she felt my arms circle her body. She leaned into me, gripping me tightly. Judging by her breathing, I knew she desperately wanted me to hold her. Her grip suggested she would never let go.

“Cortland, I love you so much.”

Don’t say it. Don’t say it.
“I love you too.”

“All of this has made me realize how precious life is. It could end so quickly. I don’t want to waste any time being unhappy. I just want to be with you. And if you love me too, then let’s not torture ourselves anymore…”

Everyone moved into the kitchen to have their shakes. We were here to support Scarlet, and I knew I shouldn’t be having this conversation now. “Let’s talk abut this later.”

She pulled away then leaned into kiss me. “Okay.”

I moved out of the way. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if I kissed her again. “Let’s join the others.” I turned away without looking at her face. I suspected she would be hurt.

We sat at the table while Sean handed out the milkshakes. Scarlet had a chocolate one like she usually did.

“I’m having a neo,” Ryan said.

“A neo?” I asked.

“Neopolitan,” he explained.

“Good idea.”

Monnique sat beside me since it was the only open seat. Everyone else was next to their partners. It was like she and I were together again.

Ryan gave her a look of hatred then took his shake from Sean.

I’ve never seen Ryan so mad. I knew Monnique did a horrible thing, but she didn’t kill anybody…at least literally.

“How’s your new place?” Scarlet asked.

“I like it,” Monnique said. “It’s a little small but I don’t need much space.”

“It would
be nice to have a house, huh?” Ryan jabbed. “A big yard with a fence and shit.”

Monnique looked down.

“Knock it off!” Janice yelled. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Because she’s a bitch. That’s why.”

Janice slapped him hard across the face.

Shit. This just got real.

“Don’t talk about her like that!” Janice yelled. “It’s not like you’re perfect, Ryan.”

“I’m perfect to you,” he countered.

“Ha,” she snapped. “You’re thoroughly embarrassing me. Keep your thoughts to yourself.”

Ryan glared at Monnique. “Leave Cortland alone. He doesn’t want you. Get over it.”

I knew Monnique wasn’t my girlfriend anymore, but I hated the way he was putting her down. “Ryan, please stop.”

He looked at me then averted his gaze.

“Monnique knows what she did. She apologized for it, and I’ve forgiven her. She and I aren’t getting back together, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other and respect one another. She’s still a part of this family and I don’t want you making her feel uncomfortable.”

Monnique gave me a depressed look. “We aren’t?”

I didn’t respond. Now wasn’t the time. “Ryan, I understand how you feel about Monnique, but please stop it. You’ve made your point.”

Ryan finally backed off. “Sorry, man.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “But I want you to apologize to Monnique.”

“That’s something I won’t do,” he said. “Don’t waste your time.”

I knew I got the most out of Ryan as I could. I would settle for that.

It was awkward for the next twenty minutes. Mike tried to carry the conversation by telling funny stories about work. Sean hadn’t come to the office because he stayed home with Scarlet. In truth, the place had been in turmoil. We had a lot of shipments and legal issues, but Mike worked until midnight every night just to make sure everything was done right. I stayed and helped him. We never told Sean because we knew he belonged at home with his wife. And there was no point in stressing him out.

“So…Diane finally came around,” Scarlet said.

“For real this time?” Ryan asked incredulously. “She’s lucky she’s an old woman. Otherwise, I’d kick her ass.”

“You’re very bitchy today,” Scarlet said with a laugh.

Ryan shrugged. “She keeps going back and forth with you. What made her pull her head out of her ass?”

“Andrew talked to her and she thinks she caused the miscarriage…” Her voice became weak at the end of the sentence.

“Well, she was a terror to you,” Janice said. “She almost broke your marriage apart.”

“No, she didn’t,” Sean said firmly. “I’d never give Scarlet divorce even she was serious. She’s stuck with me—forever.”

“That’s not creepy…” Mike eyed Sean.

“You’ll see what I mean when you get married,” Sean countered.

Mike wrapped his arm around Cassandra. “Taking a wife sounds pretty cool.”

“Cool?” Cassandra asked.

“I mean, awesome.”

She shook her head. “That’s not the right word either.”

“Fucking fantastic?”

“Just forget it,” she said.

Mike shrugged. “Well, it would be fantastic.”

Marriage made me depressed. I thought Monnique would be my wife someday. Now it didn’t seem possible. I was too hurt by what she did. If I got back together with her, a part of me would resent her. And that wasn’t fair to either of us.

By the end of the night, Scarlet seemed to feel a million times better. Pizza and milkshakes were her medication. We worked hard to make her laugh and feel loved. I knew Sean appreciated it. I’m sure the past week had been pure torture for him. Losing a baby was hard on everyone involved.

“How’s the shop?” Monnique asked Ryan.

We all froze, wondering if Ryan would ignore her.

With clenched teeth, he said, “Fine.”

Janice rolled her eyes. “It’s been so busy that he ordered three artists. Now Ryan actually gets home in time for dinner.”

“That’s good,” Scarlet said. “I’m glad it worked out.”

“Which reminds me
...” Ryan pulled a check out of his wallet and handed it to Sean. “Here’s your money back.”

Sean didn’t take it.

Scarlet pushed it back. “Keep it, Ryan.”

He glared at her. “Don’t do the check dance with me. Take it, or I will wage hell.”

I didn’t doubt him. He’d been on edge lately.

Sean looked at Scarlet, asking her what to do.

She sighed then took it. “My brother is stubborn. He won’t change his mind.”

“I’m a man that pays all his debts.” He finished his milkshake and ate the cherry.

Sean looked at his watch. “I hate to ruin the party but Scarlet needs to go to bed.”

“What?” Scarlet said. “I’m not tired.”

Sean gave her a firm look. “You need to rest.”

After looking at the determined look on his face she didn’t argue.

Sean continued. “You are welcome to stay and hang out, but Scarlet is going upstairs.”

Scarlet hugged everyone then went upstairs with Sean.

We went to the door then walked down the sidewalk to my car. I saw a white Honda in the driveway. I assumed this was Monnique’s. I was so relieved she had her own car. Now she wouldn’t walk home.
Fucking hallelujah
.

Monnique grabbed my arm. “Can we talk now?”

Everyone was piling into my car. “I have to drive everyone home.”

“Ryan
can drive,” she said. “And I can drop you off later.”

“Umm…” I was thinking about how pissed off Ryan would be if I took off in a car with her. “How about I meet you afterwards?”

“I’ll meet you at your apartment.”

“No,” I said immediately. That had disaster written all over it. We would start off with an innocent kiss but then we would end up in my bedroom, naked and making love. I couldn’t let that happen. “Let’s get coffee.”

“It’s midnight,” she said. “Even in the city, everything would be closed…unless we went to a bar.”

I didn’t want to have a conversation there. “I’ll meet at your apartment. Text me the address.” At least she wouldn’t have to drive or walk home alone afterwards.

“Okay.” She smiled then walked to her car.

When I got into mine, Ryan glared at me.

I waited for it…

“What was that about?”

“None of your business,” Janice snapped.

Ryan ignored her and kept staring at me.

“We’re gonna talk.”

“About what?” Ryan snapped.

“I don’t know,” I said. “We haven’t had the conversation yet.”

“Don’t be a smartass,” Ryan yelled.

“Dude, chill,” Mike said. “Why do you care so much? Would it be the end of the world if they got back together?”

Ryan looked out the window. “Cortland was there for me when no one else was. I have more respect for him than anyone else in the world, and I will always be loyal to him. He deserves nothing less than the best. And I won’t let anyone fuck with him.”

We all fell silent at his words. I was moved by what he said. When he came over for the holidays he never let on how hurt he was. I had no idea what he had been through with his family, and I had no idea Scarlet wounded him so much. But now I saw how broken he was at the time. I clapped his shoulder. “I love you, man.”

He nodded. “I love you, too.”

Cassandra covered her face. “Awe…”

Janice made an emotional face. “So cute.”

Ryan cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I’m being such a hard ass about this. But it comes from a good place.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“Just…think about it before you do something you regret.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

We headed back into the city, driving in silence. I turned on the radio to fill the void. Cassandra fell asleep on Mike’s shoulder, and Janice rubbed the back of Ryan’s neck.

After I dropped everyone off, I headed to Monnique’s apartment. It was only a few blocks from mine. It wasn’t the nicest building but it wasn’t the worst.
I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer, my heart in my stomach.

She opened it. “Come in.”

I walked inside with my hands in my pockets.

“Everyone get home okay?” she asked.

I nodded.

We stood in silence for a while. I scanned her apartment, recognizing the familiar way she decorated. “It looks nice.”

“Thanks.”

I saw pictures of us on the counter. They were everywhere. I put all mine in a drawer so I wouldn’t see them. I wanted to throw them away but I didn’t have the strength.

“Cortland, please don’t listen to Ryan.”

“I’m not,” I said immediately.

“I apologized and I’ll keep apologizing if that’s what it takes. Just tell me what I can do to make this work.” The desperation was in her voice. “I’ll do anything to be with you again. We can take this slow. Whatever you want.”

“That’s the thing…there’s nothing you can do.”

She sighed. “So, you’ll never forgive me?”

“No. I’ll never trust you again.” I hated to be so cold.

“I promise it won’t happen again.”

“It’s just…I can’t forget what you did. You used to be the woman I trusted more than anyone. I knew you would never hurt me. I thought we were forever…”

“I know.” Her eyes watered. “And I’ll always hate myself for that.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to you. I would always resent you. It just wouldn’t be the same.”

“Cortland, I’m fine with that.” Her lips quivered and the tears fell.

“You deserve better than that,” I whispered.

“I don’t want better. I want you.” She grabbed my face and kissed me. “Please don’t do this…”

I tried to pull away but she wouldn’t let me. Her mouth devoured mine and she grip
ped the back of my neck. I gave into the heat and desperation and kissed her back just as passionately. A surge of emotion welled through me. I loved her so fucking much. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy again.

She grabbed my shirt and pulled it off. I didn’t stop her even though I knew I should. Her hands ran up and down my chest then cupped my face again. I wanted her, to be inside her and feel that connection again. When she grabbed her own shirt to pull it off, reason came into me and I stepped away.

“No…” I couldn’t think of anything better to say. Tears in my eyes, I grabbed my shirt and pulled it back on. “We shouldn’t see each other anymore. It’s just too hard…”

Tears cascaded down her face. “Please…”

“I’m sorry.”

“This can’t be the end.”

I reached for the door and hid my face. I couldn’t look at her, not when I walked out and ended this relationship forever. “But it is.”

14

Ryan

When Janice walked into the shop wearing a trench coat and heels, I knew I was in trouble.

For the past month she’d been punishing me with sick
, crazy-ass sex games. She would turn me on until I wanted to blow my load. Then she would fuck me like crazy, but when I was about to come, she would pull out and let me wither in pain. If I wanted an orgasm, I had to give myself one, which wasn’t nearly as satisfying as releasing inside her pussy.

All I had to do was resist her, but that was fucking impossible. Even her kiss was irresistible. She would play until I was begging on my knees, doing anything just to feel myself inside her.

It was fucking humiliating.

She took all the control away, making me feel pathetic. We still made love at night, but those occasions were rare now. She was merciful and didn’t torture me every single day.

And all of this was happening because of the way I treated Monnique. Janice told me I had to apologize to her for being such a dick, and when I refused, she pulled a trick on me.

I loved it but hated it at the same time.

So, when I saw her walk into my shop, I knew she was here just to humiliate me. But I promised myself I would resist her. I wouldn’t look inside the trench coat. I wouldn’t.

People were sitting in the seats, waiting for their turn to get a tattoo on their flesh. My workers were busting their
asses and I was taking care of the register. Now wasn’t the time for Janice to placate me.

She came to the counter. “Hey, baby.” Even her voice was sexy.

I didn’t look at her. “Janice, I’m busy. You can do this later.”

She didn’t move. She watched me
count the bills in the register. I waited for her to leave.

Then she came around the counter then shoved me. I stumbled back, thousands of dollars in my hands. When her back was turned to everyone in the shop, she opened the jacket.

Damn bitch.

She wore a black see-through babydoll dress. The top was crisscrossed in the front so her breasts were practically sitting on a platter. They were huge, round, and perky. She wore a black thong underneath, a simple string.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Her hair was lustrous and huge. Curls were everywhere, and her eyes were dark with makeup. She looked fuckable.

No, I had to be strong.

When she spotted my resistance, she pressed her body against mine and shoved her tongue down my throat. Her tongue played with mine and instantly got me hard. When she ru
bbed against my cock, she knew she had me.

She broke our kiss and moved her lips to my ear. “Fuck me in the back.”

Ugh… Why couldn’t I resist her?
I knew what she was going to do, bring me to the edge of a powerful orgasm then pull me out of her. It was unbearable every time. But I was so fucking hot for her that I couldn’t resist her.

She closed her jacket then walked down the hallway and into my office. I glanced at everyone sitting in the shop. They all saw what just happened. But I had no shame and walked in the back to get my dick wet.

She was sitting on my desk, the jacket gone and her legs spread.

My cock twitched. I locked the door behind me then pulled my clothes off. “You’re a fucking bitch.” I grabbed her hips and pulled her ass over the edge.

She smirked. “But you’re going to fuck me anyway. Because you’re weak.” She emphasized the last word.
Weak
.

I wanted to walk out and teach her a
lesson, that she couldn’t play me like this. But I remember how good she felt. She was always wet. And she was so bendable.

She grabbed my ass and pulled me toward her. “Come on.” Her back was to the wall and her legs were up. She looked so fucking hot.

I felt cheap. I felt dirty. And I felt pathetic. Janice had me whipped like a damn dog. These sick games she played had me sprawled at her feet. I felt the shame cover over me as I inserted myself insid. But once I was in there, I didn’t care. I fucked her hard, loving every second of it.

She watched me, a look of victory in her eyes. She wasn’t into it like she was when we made love. She just watched me like I was the TV. She almost seemed bored. It only reminded me how powerless I was.

I was turned on by the manipulative games she played with my mind. Janice was the only woman who could control me sexually. She could take the reins whenever she wanted. And that never happened before. Unable to do anything about it, I walked right into her trap.

“You’re about to come,” she whispered.

I rocked the desk into the wall, clenching my ass as I moved through her slickness. I had no idea how she knew that. I felt the burn inside my balls. I was about to come but I didn’t want her to know because she would end it. I tried to keep a straight face.

“Your face might betray me but your dick can’t.” She pulled me out of her.

“Fuck…” I gripped her hips, feeling the frustration. “Baby, please….”

“Apologize to Monnique.”

I can’t believe I fell for this trick every single time. “Come on…I love you.”

She smirked. “That’s not what I want to hear.”

I tried to move inside her again but she wouldn’t let me.

“Either apologize to Monnique or
go in the bathroom and finish off.”

“God, you’re a bitch.”

She smiled. “I know.”

I still rocked my hips, imagining her smooth and warm pussy. I couldn’t fight this anymore. “Fine.” I pushed my tip inside her, immediately gasping at how good I felt.

“Nope.” She pulled me out again. “I want your word, Ryan.”

“I always give you my word. Now let me come inside you.”

She patted my cheek. “Good boy.”

I moved inside her then fucked her hard, grunting and sweating. I felt disgusting and dirty, but when I came inside her, it was totally worth it. “Fuck yes!” I pressed my face into her neck while I finished. “Yes…
.yes.”

When I was done, I caught my breath.

Janice pushed me off her then pulled her coat on. “Your apology better be good.” She left the office without saying goodbye to me. I stood in front of my desk, my pants around my ankles—again.

I met Monnique at a coffee shop after work. I didn’t want to apologize for my behavior, but it seemed important to Janice. And I couldn’t stand the way she was playing me anymore. I buckled under my knees when it came to her. I wanted to come inside her every night and whenever I fucking felt like it.

I hadn’t seen or heard from Monnique in weeks. Now everyone knew she and Cortland really weren’t getting back together. I was proud of Cortland for being strong and resisting her. He deserved to be with a loyal woman, not someone who ran off over something stupid and idiotic. But I did feel like a hypocrite for feeling that way. Because Janice could do the same thing and I would take her back before she even opened her mouth. But I wasn’t nearly as strong as Cortland.

When I walked inside, she was sitting in the back. I didn’t bother ordering a drink. I just wanted to get this over with.

“Hey,” I said when I sat
down.

“Hi.” Her face was unreadable.

“I wanted to apologize for being a dick to you.”

“I appreciate that.”

“I was just upset—”

“You don’t need to explain yourself. I know Cortland is your best friend. If anything, I’m glad you have his back.”

I wasn’t expecting that. “Oh.”

“But I would like one thing from you.”

“What?”

“Cortland and I aren’t getting back together, but I’m still close with Scarlet and Janice. I would really like it if we could be civil to one another. You got what you wanted, so I don’t see the need for your hostility anymore.”

I nodded. “You’re right. My behavior is childish. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. So, we’re okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

I saw Monnique in a different way. She was so calm and professional. It was like she was a different person. “How are you…?”

“I’m fine. I’m seeing someone.”

“What?” I blurted. “What about Cortland?”

“What about him?” she said simply.
“He doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t force him.”

“But…I’m just surprised you moved on.”

“What else should I do?” she asked.

“I don’t know… I guess I’m surprised you gave up so easily.”

“Cortland turned me down three times. I think he made his decision pretty clear.”

Wow…this was really happening. “Who’s this new guy?” I wasn’t sure why I cared.

“He’s a pediatrician. We met at work. After a few dates, we became serious. “

“Oh.”

“So, you should be happy.”

“I guess…”

The tension settled in the air. I wasn’t sure why it bothered me so much. I guess I wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life for retribution for what she did to Cortland…but that was ridiculous.

She didn’t ask if Cortland was seeing anyone but I felt obligated to tell her. “Cortland isn’t seeing anyone…”

“He should give Hazel a chance. She’s a beautiful girl.”

What the fuck? “How can you be so calm about this? It’s like you don’t even love him anymore.”

“Ryan, why are you so upset? Do you want me to mourn Cortland forever? I want him to be happy. I’m obviously not good enough for him, but I want him to find someone who treats him right. And I know he wants me to be happy.”

“I don’t know…”

“Victor is a great guy. He’s a few years older than me but he’s a gentleman, and takes care of me.”

“Do you love him?” I blurted.

She didn’t react in any way. “My feelings for my boyfriend are personal.”

Was that a yes?

She stood up and grabbed her purse. “It was nice seeing you, Ryan.”

“Wait.” I stood up.  “If you’re over Cortland, why are you still in New York? Why didn’t you go back to Seattle?” I guess I had some weird, twisted hope she still loved him.

“I like it here. And I can’t leave Victor. We might move back to be closer to my family in the future.” She waved. “Bye, Ryan.”

I stayed rooted to the spot, unable to process what just happened.

I went to Cortland’s apartment and banged on his door. He opened it, the sound of the TV loud in the background.

“What’s up?” he said.

I came in and saw Scarlet and Sean on the couch. Scarlet was leaning against his chest while Sean drank a beer.

Cortland looked at me. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah…”

He studied my face.

“I need to talk to you…I don’t know how to tell you this.”

Scarlet turned off the game. “Is everything okay?”

I ran my fingers through my hair. “Umm…I don’t know.”

Cortland clapped my shoulder. “You’re scaring me, man. What’s up?”

“Well, I just talked to Monnique.”

“Is she okay?” Cortland asked immediately.

“Yeah, she’s fine,” I said. “It’s nothing like that.”

Cortland breathed a sigh of relief.

“She’s…seeing someone.”

Cortland stared at me but didn’t react. Silence filled the air. I couldn’t read his expression. I couldn’t tell if he cared, if he was hurt—nothing.

“She is?” Scarlet asked. “Who?”

“His name is Victor. I guess he’s a doctor that works at the hospital.”

“Victor?” That’s all Cortland said.

“I didn’t know if I should tell you…” I ran my fingers through my hair. “But I guess it doesn’t matter, right?”

Cor
tland moved to the couch and sat down. His face was blank. “She’s already seeing someone…?”

I sat
down next to him. “She told me you rejected her three times. So she decided to let you go.”

Cortland nodded.

“But she said she wants you to be happy. And she knows you feel the same way about her.”

He rubbed his palms together. I didn’t know what he was thinking.

“Well, they’ve been broken up for four months,” Scarlet said. “And you haven’t spoken for a month.”

Cortland still didn’t speak.

“You okay, man?” I asked. “This is good, right?”

“Yeah.” His voice came out weak.

We huddled around him and fell silent. There was nothing left to say. Cortland would have to deal with this on his own. No matter how much time had passed, he would still feel broken. Even if he were married, the knowledge would still hurt. She was the love of his life and she would always be.