Alive (11 page)

“I did make coffee for you though. I noticed every morning you come to school you have coffee with you. It was my first time using the coffee pot, but I don’t think I screwed it up too badly.” He pours me a cup and sets it in front of me. “Do you like anything in your coffee? My mom has about 20 different flavors of that creamer shit to pour into it.”

“No thank you, I like my coffee strong and black.”

He picks up my coffee and takes a sip. “Oh shit, that tastes fucking terrible. How do you drink this stuff?”

“Hey, without coffee I’d be walking around like a zombie, and it isn’t pretty. I started drinking coffee when I was little. Sometimes my mom’s little stunts would keep me up late at night, so I needed coffee to stay awake during school. But give it a month or two and you will acquire a taste for black coffee.”

“I doubt it. I’ll stick to orange juice in the mornings.”

I laugh at him. I bet I’ll have him liking coffee in no time. “I would offer to make breakfast for us, but my cooking is just as awful as yours. I can’t cook to save my life.”

“Well we make a great pair then, don’t you think?” He grabs a box of cereal and some milk and puts them on the table in front of me.

“I should have just stuck to what I know how to do. I just so happens I hold the world record for best cereal maker. You should see my trick for pouring the milk.”

“Wow, your mom must be so proud. You’re a man of many talents.” I teasingly say.

“I could go upstairs and show you some of my other talents if you wish.” He gives me a wicked grin and my stomach does a somersault. How does he turn me on with just one sentence? But I find myself wishing he would take me upstairs and show me a trick or two.

Just then I hear the front door open and shut loudly. It pulls me from my dark thoughts about Adam’s other talents. I must remind him to show me those sometime.  “God Adam, what is that awful burnt smell? Did you attempt to try and cook something? You should stick to cereal or pop tarts when I’m not home. I am quite fond of my house and prefer if you didn’t burn it to ashes.”

I see a woman who looks to be in her mid-thirties round the corner. I immediately know it's Adam’s mom just by looking at her. The resemblance is striking. She’s absolutely beautiful. She has shoulder length brown hair, olive colored skin, and she is wearing a set of scrubs. I remember Adam saying she works nights, so she must just be getting off work. I hope Adam isn’t in trouble for letting me stay here, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that last night. She notices me sitting at the table and she raises her eyebrows.

“I didn’t know you had company, it’s quite early, one can only assume your guest spent the night.” She quirks up a eyebrow at Adam and gives him a playful smile.

“Mom, this is Abigail. Her mom is in the hospital, and I helped her out last night. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone so I let her stay here.”

She reaches over and gently cups his cheek. He leans his face into her hand and smiles sweetly at her. It’s obvious he adores him mother. She turns her attention to me. “Hi Abigail, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry to hear about you mom. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. May I ask what happened?”

“Um, well…” I fumble for what to say to her. Should I tell her the truth? Make up a story? I decide to go for honesty. Since meeting Adam, he for some reasons makes me want to be a better person and to tell the truth for once. “She was um, stabbed last night and beaten up by some guy,” I whisper out, and it looks like she is straining to hear me. Her face has a look of shock, mixed with sympathy.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’m glad Adam was there for you last night. He’s spoken very highly of you. Adam has never brought a girl home before, so you must be very special to him. I was beginning to think he was gay,” she jokingly says. I look over at Adam and I swear I see a slight blush on his face. I also can’t believe I’m the only girl who has met his mother. Or the fact that she just called me his girlfriend.

“Really mom? I am far from gay. I just never found someone who held my interest until Abigail.”

I’m not that interesting.

“Well one can only assume you were into men when you’ve never, not one time, have you ever brought home a girl.” She leans over and loudly whispers in my ear, “Plus he takes longer than I do to get ready in the morning.”

I can’t help but laugh at Adam's expense. I already like his mom.

Adam rolls his eyes and glares at me. “Please don’t laugh at her, she really isn’t funny. Now, you go up to bed and Abigail and I are going to run by her house to get some clothes and a few things. Do you mind if she stays here for a few days?”

“Oh Adam, that isn’t necessary, I can go stay with Jessie or I’m sure my house will be back in order soon. I don’t want to impose on you guys any more than I already have,” I quickly say.

“Abigail, I told you and I meant it, I don’t think I can let you stay at your house anymore,” he says through gritted teeth. Any time he talks about me staying at the bar he gets angry. I can tell he’s trying to reel in his temper, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

“Adam, I’m sure her parents will want her back at her house. You can’t keep her away from her home, you’re talking crazy.” She playfully slaps his arm, but I see her give her son a look of concern.

“Mom, she lives above McCarthy’s bar. Her parents own the place. Her mom was just stabbed there, and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing she is there.” He gives her a hard glare. I look over at his mom and all the color has drained from her face, and it looks like she is fighting back her tears.

“That’s where you live?” she whispers out. She is looking at me like she’s seen a ghost, and to be honest, I’m not quite she how to take this. Why is she looking at me like that? It looks like the same look Adam had on his face when he dropped me off after our date. It’s not uncommon for people to live above the bar they own. Lots of people do it.

I start to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s the same feeling I got while Adam and I were waiting at the hospital for my mom to come out of surgery. He was telling me about his dad, and how he died. I try to squash the feeling away, I don’t want what I’m thinking to be true. It can’t be true. Please, please, please let it not be true. She starts to walk backwards out of the kitchen, still staring at me while she walks away.

“Please excuse me, I have to go take a shower and get to bed. I had a long night last night. It was nice meeting you, Abigail. And yes, please stay here as long as you’d like. We would be happy to have you here, ” she softly says, and before I know it she’s gone.

I stare at Adam wanting him to explain to me his mom’s odd behavior. I have a feeling I know what he’s going to say, but I need to hear him say it. I won’t believe it until I hear him say it. The little bit of information Adam told me, mixed with both of their odd behavior anytime the bar was brought up doesn’t ease my nerves any.

“Please tell me why your mom looked at me like she just saw a ghost.” Adam stares at me for a long time. I can tell he’s battling something in his head. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, and he won’t meet me eyes. “Please Adam, I need to know. You gave me the same look last night when you dropped me off after the concert. The bar means something to your family, doesn’t it?”

He takes a deep breath before answering. “The bar your family owns was where my dad was shot. He was playing a show with his band one night, and there was a brawl and someone took out a gun and started shooting. He didn’t get out in time.”

Hearing him say it out loud hits me harder than I expected. His dad was the man who saved me. I am the reason his dad isn’t alive. If he didn’t stay behind to help me, he would have gotten out in time. He would still be here, and Adam wouldn’t be so sad. I can’t help but feel like I have caused Adam’s pain. Suddenly, I feel like I need to get out of here. It’s too much, the walls are starting to close in, and my breathing it starting to pick up. I have to walk away from Adam. If he finds out I’m the reason his dad isn’t here anymore, he will hate me. I don’t think I could stand the thought of Adam hating me, so I do what I do best. I leave. He can’t know my secret.

“Please excuse me for a minute.”

I run upstairs and dig in my purse for my phone. I text Jessie and tell her she needs to pick me up immediately. I give her directions and tell her to get here as fast as she can. I go in Adam’s bathroom and try to clean my face as best I can. I don’t want Adam to see me cry. I don’t want him to ask questions.

I hear a soft knock on the door. “Abigail are you OK?” I hear the door handle jiggle and twist. “Please let me in.”

“I’ll be out in just a minute.” I feel another panic attack creeping up, and I sit on the bed and put my head between my knees. I try and picture Adam’s voice telling me to be calm, and remind myself to keep breathing. I hear my phone beep and it's Jessie telling me she is on her way. I grab my purse, take a deep breath, and open the bedroom door.

“Abigail, what’s wrong? Why have you been crying?”

Shit, I thought I cleaned my face up so he couldn’t tell. He reaches to hug me, but I step back and out of his reach. His arms fall beside his body, and he looks at me confused.

“Adam, I can’t do this anymore. We aren’t going to work out. I have too much baggage that accompanies me, and I don’t want to drag you down. You’re too good to be with someone like me. I’m sorry it went on as long as it did.”

He is looking at me like I just told him his dog died.

“What happened between breakfast and now? I’m a little confused at your change in attitude. We were doing fine 10 minutes ago. And what do you mean you’re not good enough for me? You’re perfect for me.”

“I have to go. Jessie is out front waiting on me. I’ll see you around.” I push past him and make my way downstairs. As I’m going down the long hallway, I stop dead in my tracks. There hanging on the wall in front of me is a family photo of Adam, his mom, and his dad. His dad is wearing a Twisted Monkeys t-shirt and faded denim jeans. He is holding Adam’s mom in his arms, and the way he is looking at her breaks my heart in two. They adored each other, and because of me their family no longer has that.  He looks just like I remember him looking. I turn to look at Adam and before I can stop myself I tell him I’m so sorry. A sob escapes from my chest, and hot tears begin to spill down my cheeks.

“Abigail, what are you sorry for? This doesn’t make any sense. Please help me understand!” He shouts at me.

I dash down the stairs and out the front door before he has a chance to stop me. I hear him shouting for me and asking me to stop running away so that we can talk. I see Jessie waiting out front for me, and when she sees me crying her eyes widen.

“Go, Jessie. Drive, NOW!”

I scream at her to drive away, and I don’t feel like she can get out of there fast enough. God, she drives like an old woman. I look in the side mirror of the car and see Adam standing in his driveway with his hands on his head. I want so badly to run to him and have him take away my pain, and to tell me everything is going to be all right. But nothing in my world will ever be all right. It’s all a cruel and twisted joke and apparently I don’t deserve happiness. I have caused one family enough pain, and I promised myself from this point on that I will no longer be the cause of any more of Adam’s sorrows. I feel myself starting to slip back into dark waters again. I so badly want to keep my head afloat and to stay above the water, but my head begins to slowly sink under. Adam was my light in a dark world, but without him all I can see now is the darkness.

Chapter 9

The drive back to Jessie’s house is silent. Neither one of us is willing to be the first person to speak. Eventually, after she takes me home with her, Jessie gets sick of my silent treatment and demands to know what happened.

“If you do not start talking and telling me something, so help me I will sit on you and tickle you until you can’t breathe and you die. Don’t think I won’t.” Her threat scares me a little because I know she’s serious. I absolutely hate being tickled.

I glare at her and throw the covers back over my head. “Will you just give me 5 minutes of peace and quiet? Just five minutes Jessie. I don’t want to talk about it right now. After I take a nap and try to forgot about this horrible fucking day, I want to get drunk off my ass and try to forget about it some more. Want to go out later? I want to get very well acquainted with my old friend tequila tonight.

“Don’t think this conversation is over just because you refuse to talk about it. I’ll give you tonight, but I need to know what happened by tomorrow. I won’t have you going back under again. I can’t sit back and watch you go back down that dark road. You are acting and talking just like you did after the asshole hurt you a few years ago.” She leans over and tucks the blanket around my chin and kisses my cheek. It’s a very motherly gesture and tears start to sting my eyes. Before I realize what’s happening, the words start to tumble out of my mouth.

“Adam’s dad was the man who saved me the night my father was murdered. He was the one who pulled me out of that mess and took me to my room. If he didn’t stop to help me he could be home right now with his wife and Adam. I am the reason Adam is so sad, I am the reason his mom never truly smiles anymore. How can I be with Adam knowing that I am somewhat responsible for his pain? Tell me how any of this is fair!” I start to scream and hot tears are pouring down my cheeks. “Tell me what I ever did to deserve this life!  Adam was the one good thing that I had in my life, aside from you, and now I can’t even have him. My dad is dead, my mom is a fucking drug addict who is in the hospital because she was stabbed, and the only boy who I could possibly fall in love with will hate me if he ever finds out my secret.”

“Oh shit,” Jessie whispers out. She crawls into bed with me and wraps her arm around me. “I don’t have the answers for you as to why life isn’t fair. You and I both know how unfair life can be. But what I do know is that when life gives you hundred reasons to cry, give life a big fuck you by showing it a thousand reasons to smile. It’s not always sunshine and butterflies, but we have to remember to smile through the pain. If we can do that, if we can smile through our pain, then we will come out OK in the end. Adam’s dad saved a tiny little girl who was stuck in the middle of a bar fight. He did what any responsible grown adult would have done. You can’t blame yourself, you were just a kid.”

She really is a wise, wise girl. She has always given the best advice. Even as kids she knew what she was talking about. I wish I could somehow make myself believe that it was true.

“Go get some sleep. When you wake up we will go out and have one wild night. After tonight is over and tomorrow comes around, we need to face our problems head on. No more running away, Abigail. Maybe you should give Adam the benefit of the doubt. You never know how he will react to this secret unless you talk to him. Don’t just run away. For once, fight a battle worth fighting for. I believe Adam is worth that fight.”

She gets out of bed and shuts the door behind her. I process her words of wisdom, and mentally prepare myself to talk to Adam. I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but I want to try. I hate thinking of myself as being damaged. I, for once, want to stand up and fight for the things I want. I just need to find the courage to do it. That’s the hard part.

I think about my mother and how she’s doing. But I’m so mad at her at this moment in time, and mad at our fucked up life, that I can’t even bring myself to care right now. I know that sounds awful, but I am to mentally drained at the moment. I start to hum the song Adam’s dad sang to me the night he saved my life. It’s always been the one song that makes me feel better. It’s seems strange to sing it now, but I can’t seem to stop. I start to drift off into an uneasy and restless sleep.

Jessie did a complete makeover on me tonight. I told her I wanted to dress up differently, and pretend for one night that I wasn’t the dark and twisty Abigail McCarthy. She pulled out all her tricks, and when I looked in the mirror my jaw nearly hit the floor.

“Damn Abs, you clean up well.”

I can’t stop staring at myself. I am wearing a skin tight strapless black dress that comes just below my ass and black pumps that are at least five inches tall. I have on teal accessories, and my hair is curled to perfection. My makeup is completely different than what I normally wear. Jessie gave me gray and black smoky eyes, a thin layer of eyeliner, and pale pink lipstick.

“I think I might kill myself in these shoes, Jessie. I’m used to my Chucks and these just might be the death of me. But you are right about one thing, they make my legs look amazing.”

“Yeah, and your ass. Let’s go hit the town for one wild night out. There are no rules tonight. I won’t cut you off from drinking until you tell me to. This is your one night to forget, but don’t forget what I said. Tomorrow we face our demons. We won’t be like our parents and let our demons take over us.”

I roll my eyes at her and she smacks me in the ass as she walks out of the bedroom.

“I mean it, Abigail!”

I inwardly wince. Man she slaps hard. For such a little thing she sure is strong.

When I walk into the living room Jessie has six shots of Patron lined up and some lime wedges beside each shot glass. I can already tell tonight is going to be disastrous, but what the hell. 

She hands me the first shot glass and takes one for herself. She holds the glass up to mine and makes a toast.