All About Me (22 page)

“
I felt guilty for treating you the way I did. Your mum was alone and we grew closer when you left. That night when I found her on the sofa, I
…
I was ready to talk to you about that night at the party. I packed my bag and was ready to visit you, but
—”

Her words are crushing me down; love and frustration rush though my veins. Without hesitation I bring her back to my chest and hug her. For a split second I sense that she wants to push me away, but then she settles. It
’
s so fucking amazing to feel her close to me again.

“
I
’
m sorry, India,
”
I finally say, letting go of her. Her breathing is rigid and she looks startled, smoothing her caramel hair nervously.
“
I can
’
t believe that I was so blind. What that bastard did to you
…
at the party, it was sick and disgusting.
”

“
It
’
s the past. We
’
ve both moved on; there is no point bringing this back,
”
she whispers.
“
But I always wondered
…
why didn
’
t you meet me at the party like we planned
—
you know, the night when Christian died?
”

I
’
m caught off guard, trying to gather my thoughts from all those years ago. I should have explained myself when I had a chance; now this whole story will sound unbelievable, but I owe it to her. Fuck, I didn
’
t expect her to ask me these stabbing questions, but this is my chance.

I look at her, breathing loudly. I felt like an idiot all those years ago, but she needs to know. I go ahead and tell her what happened that evening when Christian died. Minutes fly by and India
’
s face changes. It
’
s obvious that she can
’
t put together all the facts, shaking her head as her body trembles viciously. It takes me a really long time to calm her down. It looks like we didn
’
t see what kind of psycho my brother had become, but I should have done more to protect her. I should have figured this out long before everything fell apart.

“
I
’
m sorry that I didn
’
t give you a chance to explain,
”
she says with breaking voice.

“
It
’
s not your fault. I
’
m sorry too that I hurt you and humiliated you. Sometimes I can
’
t control what I do.
”

“
Russell has been there for me and I
’
m not planning to break up with him for you. It
’
s been tough for me.
”

“
India, listen, I get it. Let me just be your friend.
”

“
Oliver, just give me some time.
”

I run my hands through my hair. This is the first honest conversation that we
’
ve had and I don
’
t want to wait anymore. Finally I look at her.

“
Yeah, I get it. You need time. But I
’
m glad that we talked and cleared the air,
”
I add, trying to breathe normally, but she is standing so close it
’
s causing an eruption of desire in my stomach.

“
All right, let
’
s walk back. Dora is probably freaking out.
”

We don
’
t say anything to each other until we reach the party. I don
’
t want to push my chances, so I leave her alone. The music is loud and my head is fucked up. I don
’
t know what is happening to me for the rest of the night. I feel like I
’
m living in a dream and that the brief encounter with India under the stars happened in my imagination. My mind keeps telling me that all these small steps will be worth the effort in the end, but I want her be mine now. I don
’
t see India for the rest of the night, so I drink.

At some point Dora catches up with me, but I tell her to go away. There is some progress, but I miss India so much that it hurts. Some guys are drinking tequila around midnight so I join in, feeling like the ache in my heart won
’
t heal until I have her in my arms again.

Chapter Twenty-one

The whole truth.

Present

My memory fails me and later on I
’
m so drunk that I don
’
t know how I manage to get home. I can
’
t even keep my balance. Mother shows up in the middle of the night while I
’
m puking my guts out in the toilet.

“
Oliver, for goodness sake, you are drunk!
”
she shouts.

I think I might have sworn at her a few times until I finally passed out in the living room. For some time I think Mum tried to drag me back to the room, but in the end she gave up, leaving me downstairs. That night is a complete blur.

When the morning comes, I feel like shit. My head feels like someone has been drilling a hole in it for the past few hours and forgot to close me up. Bright light blinds me and after a few minutes I realise that I
’
m on the floor, lying half-naked by the sofa.

“
Are you awake?
”
Mum stands in front of me looking pissed, folding her arms together with a very angry look on her face. I lift my hands, trying to block bright, streaming light. My stomach heaves and I moan.

“
No, I
’
m going back to bed,
”
I growl.

“
Oliver, you were out of line last night, coming home drunk and making a mess. This is unacceptable.
”
 

“
Chill out, Mum, I
’
m dying here,
”
I say, lifting myself up. My head is fucking banging and right now, the last thing I want to do is fight with her.

She marches to the kitchen, muttering something about responsibility.

“
So that
’
s why you came home?
”
she asks, passing me a glass of orange juice. The world around me starts to spin.

“
No, Mum. India is in town and we talked yesterday.
”

Right, normally I don
’
t share stuff like that with my toxic mother, but last night was a reality check for me. India is in a relationship with another guy and she is not planning to leave him just because I came to my senses.

She looks at me with reservation, but her expression changes slowly to a worried one. I have to look at her.

“
And that
’
s why you got drunk? Just because you two talked?
”

“
Yeah, Mum, that
’
s exactly what happened. India is the love of my life, but it doesn
’
t look like we are going to be together again.
”

This isn
’
t like me at all, but for some reason the hangover gets to me and I start telling her about what I did, how I treated her when she first came to Braxton. The words just poured out of me and for some reason, I couldn
’
t stop. I had never talked to her about how I felt or why I was so distant. The subject of the past and my years in high school comes up. I tell my mother how India turned on me, how she spread rumours about me, just to deal with her own pain. My mother had no idea that I was ostracised by the whole school and because of India I became a loser, a person that everyone picked on. My mother listens without making any comments, but as I talk about the past it becomes clear to her that India and I loved each other from the very beginning.

“
I understand your anger and India
’
s pain, but I don
’
t know what to say or what advice to give you. I get why she is not ready to forgive you.
”

“
Of course you do, but I won
’
t let go. I
’
ll keep fighting for her.
”

She sighs, massaging her temples as we both sit down at the table with a cup of coffee.
“
Oliver, I have to tell you something and maybe my confession will let you understand my actions a little better.
”

Mum seems distressed and this only confuses me even more, because I don
’
t know what she is planning to tell me. I hope it
’
s
good news because I don
’
t think I can take anymore shit today.

“
Tell me what, Mum?
”

She drops her gaze to the cup of coffee, biting her lips and shutting her eyes for a second. She looks lost and for the first time in my life I feel like I missed something, a piece of my own self. My heart starts galloping in my chest because I instantly sense that she is trying hard to keep going, to keep talking.

“
Your father, he wasn
’
t a good man. He was violent towards me and your brother saw it many times.
”

I don
’
t move, tensing my muscles hard. Some days I did notice stuff. Father was cold. He treated Mum and me like we never meant anything to him, but I never questioned his behaviour.

“
How violent?
”
I ask, already knowing the answer to that question, because new memories wash over me. Violent, sick memories that I buried inside me for years. My father was a psychotic motherfucker, and that
’
s why Christian acted the way he did to India.

“
A few months after your brother was born, I filed for divorce and he didn
’
t like it, so he raped me.
”

That last sentence doesn
’
t get to me at first. My mother
’
s face contracts with a new dose of pain and humiliation. I lift my head feeling like a total asshole right now, but the bad news just keep coming.

“
He used violence against me and then he raped me. Nine months after, you were born and I never filed for that divorce.
”

My mind explodes as I try to gather my fucking thoughts. Her whole story seems unbelievably real. I try to breathe, but the air seems too thick, and for a moment my breaths are long and laboured. In a matter of seconds, everything slowly starts to make sense. Mum
’
s illness, the way she was around my father. The way she used to say that I was never supposed to be born. I get up abruptly shaking my head, trying to say something, but no words come out. It
’
s like my brain has frozen up, pushing me to another universe. Like my past is a one huge pile of lies.

“
Oliver, I
’
m sorry that I was so bitter and I never gave you any affection. Your father ruined my life; he made me ill and I felt so trapped. I should have sought help.
”

Thoughts and emotions are colliding inside me like a rainstorm, making me want to wreck everything that is in front of me. Fuck, this is beyond anything that I
’
d imagined, but I shouldn
’
t be surprised. My father began that vicious cycle and Christian always tried to be like him. I thought that it was just India that had been hurt by the monster, but now it
’
s clear that the problem was rooted deeper than I thought.

“
That fucking motherfucker,
”
I say, clenching my fists and baring my teeth. Mum
’
s tears only make this moment more difficult. My life has been fucked up because of this tragedy from years ago, my father
’
s sick sexual urges. God, I hate him so much. I would have killed him myself if he
’
d been still alive.

“
Oliver, he
’
s dead now. There is nothing that you can do. I just want you to understand my reasons and try to forgive me. It was cruel of me to blame you and hurt you, to make an innocent child pay for my pain. I love you. I always have, but it was difficult for me being trapped in a life with a man that hurt me. I was numb for years, unable to deal with my pain.
”

“
It
’
s fine. I get it now. I left because I couldn
’
t stand being here.
”

“
I know, baby.
”

“
I should have stayed, but I was angry. If you would have only told me.
”
 

Then she hugs me and I don
’
t know what to do, so I embrace her.

“
You
’
re my son and I
’
m blessed that you
’
re in this world.
”

The fighting, screams and tears
…
none of this was my fault. My fucking father ruined this whole family even before I was born. Mum starts telling me how her parents encouraged her to get married when she was very young. She didn
’
t want to disappoint them, so she obeyed even if their decision made her unhappy. For a moment I feel like I have her back and I don
’
t have to hide anymore. Not everything can be fixed straight away, but I get it now. I understand why all those years ago she hated me. The past was horrible, but my future is bright and I
’
ll make sure that we are both happy.

My head still hurts when I get to the shower later on. In the afternoon, I try to revise, but my brain can
’
t cope with everything that went on earlier. Maybe God thought that my mother and I both had suffered enough, so he took away the problem by killing my brother and father, just to give us an easier life.

Tomorrow I
’
m heading back to Braxton, leaving Mum alone again. This time everything will be different. We will be talking more from now on.

 
In the evening I take Mum out for dinner to one of the local restaurants. We spend a normal time together, enjoying each other
’
s company. In every respect, I feel like a stranger in this town, but I have to break this pattern and remember that bad times are behind me. It
’
s the place where I grew up and I
’
m not the same person anymore. India still talks about Gargle as her home and if she can put the past aside, then I also have to try.
Mum doesn
’
t talk while we drive. She senses the shift in my mood.