All Falls Down (17 page)

I stay in the shower until every drop of hot water is gone, and then spend the rest of the afternoon pacing in the guesthouse. When darkness descends over the estate and the clock creeps closer to dinnertime, I stall.

I want to be brave enough to walk over to the mansion and pretend as if everything is okay. I want to be brave enough to sit across from Jared at the table and not ache when he smiles at me. I want to be able to look at Lexi and not feel like I'm some sort of parasite.

But I can't.

It hasn't even been twenty-four hours, and the weight of guilt is slowly crushing me. The way Lexi looked at us, the trust in her gaze… I feel horrible.

How did Toby and Laney do this?

How did they sit across from me and act innocent? Completely normal?

Did it bother them at
all
to lie to me day after day?

"
Larosa is such a prick," Toby grumbles, spearing a piece of asparagus with his fork and scowling. "I don't even know why they let him teach. His methodology is pathetic."

"
I know," Laney agrees, tossing her dark head while spreading honey atop a buttery roll. "I can't wait until we're done with his lab. Savannah, you are so lucky you don't have to deal with him."

I don't feel very lucky, but I smile anyway.

"
I can't fucking wait to be done with this class," Toby says.

"
It's only a few more weeks," I point out.
Both Toby and Laney turn to me. "You two will do great."

Laney laughs a little and tears her roll in half. "I hope so. If I have to deal with him much longer, I'll scream."

Toby grunts his agreement and swallows more asparagus. "Are we studying tomorrow?" he asks Laney.

S
he nods.

"
Good. I have something to show you."

Laney grins.

They were sleeping together the entire time, and I never saw it. Or maybe I was just too blind to see it. She was my friend, but they were always talking and laughing. Toby was actually pleasant to be around when Laney was there. She made him happy.

I was just too stupid to put the pieces together.

Am I like her, coming into Lexi's home and smiling in her face while I'm carrying on with her boyfriend behind her back? Is that really the person I've become?

My stomach churns uncomfortably at the thought.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

I ask myself the same question over and over. The only answer I have is that I'm doing wrong. Jared and I both are. I know I promised him time, but I can't do it. I just… can't.

And already, I don't know how to stop.

I crawl onto the couch and curl into a miserable ball, not even bothering to go to dinner.

When Jared knocks on the door hours later, I can't breathe through the lump in my throat.

I shuffle that way slowly, dreading the questions I have to ask and the answers I have to hear. It was stupid to believe I could be content not having them.
I
was stupid to believe that.

Unlocking the door, I pull it open.

Jared's disheveled. His hair is a mess, his shirt is wrinkled, and he's frowning. "Savannah?"

My name is the only thing he says, but it wrecks me.

I bow my head, unable to say a word.

For a full minute, he's completely silent. All I hear is the ticking of the clock behind me, and the thudding of my heart. It seems to beat a single word. Please. Please, please, please.

Please let me keep him.

Please let me not be another Laney.

Please don't let me hurt Lexi.

Just… please.

"Beautiful girl," Jared finally sighs quietly and steps into the house. The door closes behind him and he wraps his arms around me.

I want to melt into him.

I should push him away.

Instead, I just stand there, my head bowed while tears burn behind my eyes.

"You didn't come to dinner," he murmurs, rocking me back and forth. "I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry." My voice cracks on the apology.

He tilts my chin up with his index finger. I keep my eyes closed, afraid to open them.

"Please look at me," he pleads softly.

I can't refuse him, so I peek up at him. His expression is full of worry, his brows crinkled. His jade gaze strips me of my defenses, taking my breath away in the process. I want to curl myself around him.

No.

I can't.

"No apologies. Remember, beautiful girl?"

"I…."

"It's okay," he says and presses his lips to my forehead.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"Are you– What's wrong?" he whispers, so worried my heart fractures a little.

And that's the part that kills me. Regardless of how wretched I feel, I know exactly what I want: his arms around me and his lips on my skin.

What does that say about me?

Nothing good, I'm sure.

"I'm scared," I confess, pressing my face into his chest and breathing him in.

He smells like sunshine, wildflowers, and grass.

Walking us toward the couch, he pulls me down into his arms just like he did last night.

"What scares you?" he asks then, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"You." My admission is quiet, but he hears it anyway.

He jerks and his arms slacken around me. "Savannah… no. Why?" Lifting me up, he slides out from behind me before dropping to his knees in front of me. He takes my hands in his and peers up at me, concern pouring from him. "I won't hurt you, beautiful girl."

I just stare at him.

"Talk to me," he says.

So I do.

"I don't want to be like
them.
I don't want to be the kind of person that could do that to someone else." Tears well up again, blurring my vision as the words come tumbling out. "I don't want to be– I don't want to hurt…." I sniffle and pull my hands from his to wipe my face. "This isn't right, Jared."

"It
is
too much," he whispers more to himself than to me. His head bows for a minute before sighing heavily. "I'm sorry, beautiful girl. I never should have… I've hurt you." He frowns and rises to his feet.

My heart stops.

"Jared, no!" I reach out for him, my tears spilling over. I've messed this up so badly and now he's going to leave. "Please don't go," I plead. "Don't leave."

His eyes shoot to mine when the words crack on my lips.

"Hey," he says and plucks me from the couch, crushing me to his chest. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't cry. Please, don't cry."

I try to stop, but I can't.

Once again, I'm completely overwhelmed by… everything. And once again, it's entirely my fault.

"What's
wrong
with me?" I demand, trying to catch my breath and force the tears back.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Savannah," Jared whispers. His hand tangles in my hair, massaging my scalp. He pulls me closer, holding me tighter. "You've been through hell and you're hurting. That's not wrong."

I want to believe him, but I don't know how because I
feel
wrong. I wasn't good enough for my own mother to want me. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from Toby. And now I'm stealing Jared away from Lexi. The sisters are going to hate me, and it's just wrong.

How did I let myself become this pathetic, cowardly person?

"Talk to me," Jared pleads again, still holding me to his chest. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Haltingly, I tell him. About the guilt. About how much I don't want to hurt Lexi. About how not even that is enough to make me not want him. I explain how it feels as if what I want is wrong. And how it makes
me
feel wrong, as if there is no way I can be good when I'm doing something that's going to hurt everyone around me, when I want to
keep
doing it despite everything. All of my fears come tumbling out and land around us like the remnants of a train wreck.

"It's not right," I finish weakly.

I've purged myself of everything that's been running through my head since reality came swimming back to the surface this afternoon. It doesn't necessarily make me feel better, but it calms me. I've stopped crying, stopped panicking. Now I'm just waiting for his reaction.

His heart hammers beneath my ear for a minute and then he steps back. He reaches out and cups my face between his hands. I'm almost afraid of what he's going to say, but I'm not going to run from it. This time, I'm going to fight that urge. I have to, or nothing will ever be resolved.

He stares at me for a minute, searching my face. "You aren't wrong, Savannah," he whispers fiercely. "And this isn't wrong.
We're
not wrong." He sounds so sure of that, no doubt in his voice whatsoever. "If there was nothing standing in your way, if no one would be hurt, would it ease your mind?"

"You know that can't happen," I say, refusing to let myself hope. "We can't just pretend the girls don't exist. That we're not lying to them. You're with Lexi, Jared." Saying it hurts, but I forge ahead anyway. "We can't do this to her. It's not right. You
know
it isn't."

"Forget all of that for a minute," he demands, still holding my face between his hands. "Just forget about everyone but you. What do you want, Savannah? Right this minute, what do
you
want?"

I want him to kiss me. I want him to tell me I'm not like Laney. I want him to promise me that we're not going to hurt Lexi, that I'm not horrible like Toby. I want
him
, and I want that to be okay and not make me a horrible person.

I tell him as much.

He presses his lips to mine in response to my first want. His tongue skims along my bottom lip before dipping into my mouth. I groan and kiss him back hungrily. He holds me close and pours everything into his kiss. My lips are swollen and my body is heavy and tight by the time he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.

I shiver a little at how easily he plucks me apart, filling me with a parade of dizzying sensation.

Is this how it's supposed to be?

How intimacy is supposed to feel?

"You aren't like Toby or Laney, beautiful girl," he promises me. "There is
nothing
wrong or horrible about you."

I open my mouth to argue and his eyes narrow. Snapping it closed, I settle for a nod instead.

He kisses my cheek before continuing. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have asked you to just accept all of this without explanation, and I'm sorry for that. It was wrong to ask you to carry that weight." He exhales a little. "But I didn't do it so I could keep both of you, Savannah. I swear to you that's not what this is about."

"Then what is it?" I whisper, leaning back so I can really see him. Questions tumble out as easily as my fears did. "What can't you tell me?
Why
can't you tell me? Is she in love with you? You said she's in danger. Do you feel obligated to her?"

He told me he doesn't want me in the middle, and that it's dangerous, but I don't really understand what that means. I should have asked. I should have been brave enough to ask instead of hiding from the truth.

"I'm sorry," I say again. Had I just demanded answers earlier, we wouldn't be here now.

"You have nothing to apologize for. This is my fault for dragging you into this, not yours." He stares down at me and rakes a hand through his hair. He paces around. "It's so fucking complicated, and I've messed it up."

"How did you mess it up? I don't understand."

I think I'm going to go insane waiting for him to answer.

"Tell me, please. Whatever it is, just tell me," I beg, taking a step toward him. "Jared, I can handle it. I promise I can. But I can't pretend when I don't even know why I'm pretending."