All Falls Down (27 page)

I cry until my throat is raw and my head hurts.

The sun's moved on. Shadows fall across the bed. I lay in Jared's arms, but I'm still cold and numb.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

"Don't," Jared says. He shifts around, turning my face up to his. His face is a thundercloud, his eyes blazing with a mixture of anger, fear, and grief. He looks desolate, broken. "Don't ever say that."

I didn't know I had. I stare up at him. Just stare.

I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired. God, I'm so
fucking
tired.

"We'll deal with this, Savannah," he says again, shaking my shoulders a little to punctuate the seriousness of his words. "We'll deal with this, but don't give up on me now. Don't give up on us now. If you love me… just don't." His voice breaks a little at the end. He's pleading with me, and I don't know what to say to him.

"How?" I finally ask. How do we deal with this? The big secret is out. Lexi knows about us and is pissed. Toby's here. Everything bad just keeps coming at us, and I don't know what to do. All of this happening at once is fate. It's what I deserve for letting myself forget that I'm just the maid's daughter.

"We just do."

He makes it sound so simple.

The sun will rise. Night will fall. We'll deal.

Can it really be that easy? We just deal? We survive, fight, and make this all better? Make Lexi understand that we're not a threat to her? That our relationship isn't going to get her and the girls or anyone else hurt? Make Toby disappear?

I want that. I want it so bad, it gives me strength.

"Have you ever read
Invictus
?" I ask Jared.

He frowns, confused. His hold on my arms slackens a little. "What?"

"
Invictus
," I say again.

"What are you–?"

"In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud," I recite before he can ask me if I've gone insane. Maybe I have. Maybe. "Under the bludgeoning of chance, my head is bloody, but unbowed."

Jared just stares at me.

"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul," I whisper to him.

Just once, I want to be in control of what happens to me.

His expression clears as understanding dawns. He pulls me to him, kissing me hard.

"I love you," he whispers against my lips.

I settle against his chest again, curling into him.
I am the master of my fate
, I tell myself, chanting it over and over until my head droops and a yawn cracks my lips.

"We will deal with this," he says softly.

It sounds like he's trying to convince himself, too.

I fall asleep in his arms, praying he's right.

Chapter Sixteen: Just Once

When I wake again, the sun shines through my window, and Jared is gone. I lay still beneath the sheets, trying to reach out with my mind for him, but I don't sense him.

I open my eyes reluctantly, embarrassed that I even tried.

If extra sensory perception is real, I don't have it. Sometimes though, it really does seem as if Jared and I are connected by some inexplicable force. I know when he's near and when he isn't. I can be in another room, and I know the moment he walks into the house. The way I feel about him… I'm not sure there is an explanation for it.

Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.

Maybe I want to be connected to him in such a profound way, so I convince myself we are.

It wouldn't be the first time I've let myself see what isn't there.

I'm standing on the sidewalk outside the public library when Toby roars up on his motorcycle. He pulls to a stop in front of me, and kills the engine.

"More books, Savannah?" he asks, his tone joking.

"Hi, Toby," I say, shrugging in response to his teasing. He knows how much I enjoy reading.

The sun peeks from behind a tuft of cloud, and Toby squints, trying to see me through the bright orange haze now shining down on us. He looks me up and down. His gaze catches on the inch of skin showing between the hem of my shirt and the waistband of my shorts.

I shouldn't have let Kit talk me into wearing it. It's too short.

I tug on the hem, feeling self-conscious and exposed.

Something masculine floats through Toby's expression when he lifts his gaze to meet mine again. "You busy tonight?" he asks.

"Um, I don't think so." I have a huge test tomorrow and should probably study, but I want to go out with Toby instead. If he's asking me. I hope he is. We've gone out a few times, and he's so different than most of the other guys at school. He's nice to me, and he makes me laugh.

My heart picks up speed when a grin spreads across his face. It's so boyish.

"Good," he says. "I'll pick you up at seven." He kicks the side stand up and starts the bike again. It roars to life, seeming to vibrate the sidewalk beneath my feet. Toby lets it idle for a moment and then flicks his eyes toward me again. His gaze roves slowly down my torso and catches on the thin patch of skin. "Wear something else," he says. "You're too cute to flaunt it like a slut would."

Before I can answer, he takes off.

I stare after him, my cheeks burning. He was complimenting me… wasn't he?

That's not where I'm headed with Jared, is it? To that place where I'm broken, shattered, and I don't know how to pick up the pieces again? I don't want this to be how it was with Toby, something destructive and cruel. Jared isn't anything like that, but maybe I am.

Is that why I let him kiss me that first night? Because I ruin everything I touch? Because I don't deserve happiness? I've made such a mess of my life thus far, why should this be any different?

Lexi needs Jared to keep her and the girls safe.

Am I ruining that?

Does she hate me right now?

Condensation trickles down the window in my room, fat drops making meandering lines all over the place. I lay there for a long time, watching them slowly slip down the glass, trying to convince myself that I'm not a bad person. The sun plays hide and seek behind clouds as morning marches on. Rain comes in fits and starts.

Every part of me cringes from the thought of getting up.

I want Jared to come back to me, pull the covers up over us, and shut the world away.

By eleven, he hasn't come back, I'm no closer to sorting out the disturbing questions playing on a loop in my mind, and I don't want to face Lexi.

What am I going to say to her?

I'm sorry I'm putting your life in danger, but I need him?

God, what a mess I've made of things.

I should have told her the truth weeks ago instead of trying to hide it. Did I really think no one would find out?

Did I even
care
if anyone found out?

I honestly don't know and that bothers me more than anything. I think… I think part of me wanted Lexi to know. Even after Jared told me the truth, part of me wanted her to catch us. I didn't want to be a secret, something to be hidden away.

And now I'm not.

I don't feel any better now that the secret is out. If anything, the guilt eating me alive is worse because I've known all along that this isn't right. That it's not okay to sneak around behind her back, distracting Jared from what he needs to do. This isn't a game. People could get hurt. The people I love could die.

I sigh and throw the covers off before crawling from the bed, feeling about two inches tall.

When I step from the shower twenty minutes later, someone is pounding on my door.

"Just a minute!" I yell, quickly wrapping my robe around me. My hair is dripping wet and instantly soaks the fabric. Tossing it up in a towel, I hurry toward the front door.

"Who is it?" I ask, terrified Lexi's on the other side of the door, ready to demand answers I can't give her. Terrified Toby is out there, prepared to drag me back to Italy, kicking and screaming.

"It's Chris."

I take a deep breath, disarm the security system, and unlock the door.

I barely have time to open it before he's pushing his way inside. His eyes are narrowed, and his shoulders are squared. His fists are clenched like he wants to punch something.

"Chris?" I say, immediately stepping away from him.

He turns to me and frowns. "Get dressed."

I blink up at him, taken off guard by his abrupt command and the dark, dangerous look in his eyes. He's no longer the kind man he was the night before last, but the frightening giant he seemed before. The one who could throw me across the room with ease. For a minute, he reminds me of Toby. The way he scowls at me with his nostrils flaring….

"Chris?" I whisper, taking another step back. My heart races. The fight or flight instinct that lay dormant for so long screams at me to run for the hills, but I'm frozen in place by the eerily familiar scowl on his face.

"Get dressed," he says again.

I shiver, and swallow hard.

Why's he so mad? Did Lexi go to him? Is he here to kick me out?

I shiver again, trying to fight back the urge to cry, but tears well anyway. My body trembles, fear shaking me until I think I'm going to vibrate apart along those already jagged cracks and fissures.

I see Toby standing in front of me, his face red with rage as he screams at me for something else I've done wrong. For not being fast enough or pretty enough or smart enough. For being so hopeless. Blood stains his hands while he screams at me. My blood.

"Don't," I whisper, cowering back against the wall. I don't know if I'm trying to hide from Toby, from Chris, or from myself. From the sad little girl who always ruined everything and wasn't good enough to love. "Please don't hurt me."

Chris jerks suddenly. Guilt and horror flicker across his face. His shoulders slump. "I'm not going to hurt you," he says, holding up his hands. This time, his voice is quiet, like he's trying to soothe a frightened animal. Sadness twists through his words, as if I've hurt
him
somehow.

He sounds so much like Jared, it snaps me back into reality.

Toby isn't here, and no one is screaming at me.

I take a deep breath, and then another. My shaking slows. The numb tingling in my toes subsides. Seconds tick by. I stare at Chris, not sure what to say to him. I'm so embarrassed.

And part of me still wants to cry and cower.

Get a grip
, I coach myself.

Of course Chris won't hurt me.

He's Jared's brother, and Jared wouldn't let him in here if he was a danger to me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, taking a step away from the wall.

Chris doesn't say anything for a long moment, and then, "Jared told me what happened. I'm so sorry."

"Me too," I say. What else can I say? The little bubble couldn't last forever. It was stupid of me to think it could.

"We're going to petition for a restraining order."

A restraining order? Why would–?

"Oh," I say when my mind catches up. He's not talking about Lexi finding out. He's talking about Toby.

Everything always comes back to Toby, doesn't it?

"He won't step foot on the property, Savannah," Chris vows. He sounds like Jared again. For a minute, he even looks like his brother, an avenging angel with fire in his eyes. "I'll kill him first."

Gratitude slams into me. He barely even knows me, but he cares about what happens to me. That touches me, unfreezes part of my heart. I fling myself at his chest and hug him hard, tears falling down my face again.

He pats me on the back while I blubber into his chest, and then I step back, trying to collect myself.

"I thought you were here to kick me out," I admit and swipe at my cheeks, smiling ruefully. I'm such an idiot.

"Kick you out?" He frowns, his brows lowering. "Didn't Lex tell you this is your house now?"