All Falls Down (31 page)

I plop down, nod. I think I'm numb.

"This is your home, too. Why can't you accept that?" she asks, her lips pursed while she scrutinizes my expression, searching for an answer.

She won't find one though, because I don't even know why I can't accept it. I think, maybe, I've been told for so long that I don't belong, that I can't believe anything else. This isn't my world. It's her world, and Kit's and Maddi's. I'm still just the wayward maid's abandoned daughter.

"I've never belonged anywhere," I mumble.

"Well, you belong here." Her tone brooks no argument. It's final, as if she's just signed an executive order at T.I. and made it so. "You're part of our family, okay?"

"Okay," I say.

We sit quietly for another long minute, and then she sighs.

"I'm not angry. I'm disappointed you felt you had to hide the truth from me. I'm upset that I didn’t put two and two together weeks ago. But I'm not mad at you." She chews on her bottom lip, thinking. "You deserve to be happy. I just… I just wish it wasn’t with him."

"Are you–" I swallow. "Are you in love with him?"

Something flickers through her expression, and I know. Before she even nods, I know.

Lexi is in love with Jared, too.

"Does he know?" I ask. My voice is little more than a raw whisper. Lightning crashes in the center of my chest again. Waves toss me like a buoy. The food I ate is a hard lump in my stomach.

"No." She shakes her head. "I never told him."

"Oh. Why not?"

Her expression is stricken. "Because I know he'll never think of me that way," she says. "To him, I'm practically a sister. But you–" A sad smile drifts across her face. "I think he was half in love with you before he ever met you."

I just stare at her, not sure how that's possible.

"Your pictures," she explains, reading the confusion on my face. "I used to catch him staring at the pictures of you in the hallway. He'd have this smile on his face–" She sighs. "He'll never look at me the way he looks at you."

"I'm sorry." Once again, I don't know what else to say. I feel guilty, like I've done something wrong. I didn't mean to fall in love with Jared. And I don't think he meant to fall for me either. It just… happened.

"I'm not upset about it," she says.

I think she wants to mean that, but I'm not sure she does.

"He's been good for you. And you make him happy. I just–"

"What?"

"I need him," she mouths, her face falling. "I can't do this without him."

My heart bleeds at the fragile, shattered expression on her face. She appears so lost – as lost as I've felt for half of my life. And I don't know what to say to her. I want to promise her that I won't distract Jared. I want to offer to break things off until she's safe, but I can't. The words refuse to form, so instead, I say nothing.

"I know it's not fair to ask, but I am asking," she says.

I stare at her… waiting for her to tell me what she wants me to do.

"Please stop seeing him until this is over."

I close my eyes, take a deep breath. I want to agree with her but… "I can't," I whisper, shame running through me. I feel so bad for being so selfish, but I can't help it. The thought of letting him go – of not touching him or kissing him or feeling him inside me – until he's truly free is unbearable. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I want to – for you – but I can't."

Lexi sighs as if she expected that answer. "Do you hate me for asking?" she says, staring down at the ring my water bottle left on the table. It's spreading, little droplets running in rivulets that make a starburst pattern on the heavy wood.

"No."

How could I ever hate her? Even knowing she's in love with Jared, I don't hate her. We don't get to decide who we love, we just do. She's trying to do her best in an impossible situation. How could I begrudge her that?

She peers at me for a moment. "Can you at least – will you at least be discreet until this is over?"

This much, I know I can give her. I clear my throat and then nod. "I promise."

"Thank you."

We sit side by side for several minutes, and then I climb to my feet.

Lexi reaches out and puts her hand on my arm again.

I glance down at her.

"Don't tell him," she says. "Please."

"I won't."

Lexi examines my expression for a second, and then she nods and releases my arm.

I grab the dishes, scrape off the plate into the trashcan, and put it in the dishwasher along with the spoon. I toss Jared's beer bottle in the recycling, and head toward the door with my water in hand.

When I glance back, Lexi's still sitting at the table, staring at nothing.

I find Jared chatting with Stewart outside the guardhouse. Demetri is long gone. I hesitate at the edge of the driveway, not sure I'm ready to face Jared just yet. How am I supposed to keep my promise to Lexi and not tell him that she's in love with him? He deserves to know the truth, just as much as Kit deserves to know what's really going on with Lexi.

I'm keeping secrets for everyone, and they are so heavy. My shoulders droop under the weight of them. But I know I won't say anything.

How can I when I already owe Lexi so much?

How can I when I'm not sure he'd choose me if he knew the truth?

Jared notices me standing there and smiles before murmuring something to Stewart.

Stewart's eyes flicker toward me, his expression blank.

Before I can figure out what to do or how I'm going to keep Lexi's secret, Jared's jogging toward me. He stops in front of me and examines my face.

"You okay?"

I take a deep breath and nod.

What else can I do?

That crooked smile I love so much spreads across his face. He reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers together.

"Let's go home, beautiful girl."

Chapter Nineteen: Take it from Here

Kit comes home for the weekend two weeks later. She's smiling and the shadows are gone from around her eyes. I'm not sure if she's speaking to me yet or not, but when I step out of the guesthouse, she lifts her arm and waves at me.

I wave back.

She slams the car door and starts walking toward me.

I walk out to meet her.

We stand there for a moment, facing each other, and then she throws her arms around me and hugs me hard.

I hug her back, of course.

"You look good," I say when she pulls back.

"I feel good." She examines my face. "How are you?"

"Fine." And I am… mostly. Lexi and Jared work nonstop. Chris keeps me company until Maddi arrives home in the afternoons. I help her with her homework, and then we watch television or sit out by the pool until Lexi and Jared come in for the night.

Last weekend, Maddi had a mini-pool party with a couple of her girlfriends. I read while they swam, Justin Bieber and some popular boy band blaring from her iPod. Chris teased the girls until they ganged up and dragged him into the pool fully clothed.

He didn't seem to mind.

The few times I've spoken with Lexi, she hasn't mentioned Jared to me. I feel her watching us though, like maybe she's waiting for one of us to slip up and say or do the wrong thing. We haven't yet, but it's hard not to reach out for him when he grins at me or mouths that he loves me when he catches my attention. He stays with me most nights now, slipping out only when the sun rises.

I hate watching him go. Knowing that he and Lexi are headed toward the lion's den unnerves me. Nothing's happened – or if it has, Jared's not telling me – but our luck won't hold forever. Sooner or later, the monster hiding under the bed is going to crawl out and someone's going to get hurt.

"Lexi told me about Toby," Kit says. A murderous scowl crosses her face.

Toby.

I find myself looking over my shoulder for him less and less. He hasn't called or tried to see me since Jared threatened to kill him. If he's received a copy of the protection order yet, he hasn’t tried to fight it. I hope this means he's decided to go back to Italy and forget about me.

"I'm okay," I promise Kit. "I have a restraining order, so he can't come here."

I haven't really left the property since Chris took me to see the judge, but I think I'm ready to venture out again. I want to register for summer classes. Maybe find a car. Apparently Matthew left me more than enough money to take care of my needs. I don't want to use any of it, but somehow, I doubt the girls will miss it. And I can't very well ask Chris to drive me to class every day when he's busy watching over Madeline.

"Good. If that bastard comes here, I'll kill him with my own two hands," Kit vows, tossing her head angrily.

I can't help but smile at her. There is no one less capable of murder than Kit, but the expression on her face makes it clear that she really means it. I love her for that.

"How are classes?" I ask her as we walk toward the mansion.

She groans loudly. "Everyone's being so nice, I want to scream. My ethics professor actually refused to accept my last paper. He said it was already taken care of and that I shouldn't worry about it. I had to argue with him for a good ten minutes to get him to grade the damn thing."

"They're watching out for you," I say.

"I know, but I wish everyone would stop, you know?" She shakes her head again. "I don't want people to pity me. I want them to let me do my damn papers and finish this semester in peace. They're smothering me."

I understand exactly what she means.

After my mom ran off, my teachers were so solicitous. They babied me, and I hated it. I just wanted them to let me do my schoolwork and leave me alone, but everyone had a thousand questions about how I was doing or if I needed anything or if I wanted to skip the assignment. My classmates resented me for it. Maybe that's why they were so cruel to me. Because my mom, a lowly maid, ran off, I got special treatment at the best private school in San Francisco. I didn't even belong there in the first place.

Kit pulls the front door of the mansion open and we step inside.

"Katie!" Madeline screams from the family room, tossing her pen down and leaping to her feet. Her notebook falls to the floor as she races toward her sister.

I move out of the way.

Maddi hits Kit like a shockwave, knocking her back a step. Her arms wrap around her older sister, and she clings.

"Missed you too, Maddi girl," Kit laughs and hugs her back, practically lifting her from her feet.

"You've been gone forever," Madeline complains, breaking away to scowl at Kit. "Why didn't you come home last weekend?"

Kit shoots me a furtive glance and then refocuses on her sister. "I had to catch up on all the work I missed."

Maddi accepts the lie with another scowl, and then she tosses her head just like Kit does when she's frustrated. "Well, my teacher told me I don't have to make-up my work, but Lexi's making me do it anyway. She says if I let people treat me differently every time something bad happens, I'll never get anywhere." She crosses her arms, her face scrunched up. "Daddy wouldn't make me do it if he was here."