All of me (13 page)

 ‘He deserves to know,’ Tom insists, ‘you
have no right keeping that sort of information from him, what he does with the news
after…. we will deal with, as a family Emily, none of this lone-ranger shit do
you hear me?’

‘Ok Tom,’ I scold him, and Lucy grins
wrapping her arms around her husband.

‘Isn’t he masterful,’ she grins.

‘What has happened to you Luce?’ I giggle,
before I think about Matt and groan, ‘he is going to go ape shit.’

‘Well ape shit or not he needs to be
informed, do you want us there or do you want to do it alone?’ Tom has taken
control and for once, I am glad that someone else is thinking for me.

‘I don’t know,’ I feel panicked, ‘god what
a mess.’

‘It’s ok’ Tom insists, ‘how about I call
him over to the house and you decide when you tell him, we can be around or not
however you want to play it.’

‘Ok.’ I nod.

‘Come to dinner Friday, I will get him
there through work.’ Tom encourages.

‘God, he is going to go mad,’ I am rubbing
my bump self-consciously and I notice Lucy regarding me.

‘I just cannot believe you have done this
alone, was you sick?’ she asks.

‘Urgh, so sick Luce like day and night, not
just mornings and it went on for months. I still get the odd sick day now,’ it
was so nice to share all this information I have stored up.

‘Well, we are here now,’ she informs me, glancing
towards Tom who nods in my direction.

********

The next few days I am anxious, I have
informed my boss of my pregnancy, but have assured him I will be working until
the last minute and returning after three months.  My boss appreciates me, due
to the fact I accept his crap, if he is in a bad mood I empathize and allow him
to rant and rave without taking it personally.  When he recovers he is a
charmer, I am a difficult human being myself so am quite accepting of others of
my kind.  He agrees to keep my job open and I will train a temp nearer the time
to take over for the three months. 

Once things are out in the open I begin to feel
more relaxed, I know that people are talking behind my back especially the
bitch secretary Laura who Suzie describes as the Company bike.  She is eager to
know who the father is, something that I have obviously failed to divulge to
anyone. 

‘She probably doesn’t even know herself,’ I
hear her muttering to another woman, as they walk past my desk.

‘If you have something to say Laura, be
brave enough to say it aloud,’ I growl, ‘I am perfectly aware of the father of
my baby thank you, as I have only had one lover in my life.  I realize that is
alien to you, as I am informed you don’t even limit to just one per night but
invite their friends too.’

Her friend giggles and she turns to glare
at me, ‘can I help it if I am irresistible,’ she grins, but I know the target
hit when she storms off.

Suzie, however is disappointed ‘you could
have come to me Emily, I thought we were friends.’ Suzie and I had gone out a
handful of times, when I first joined the company. I warmed to her compassionate
personality, a trait I guess I aspire to.

‘We are Suzie, I was at a loss of what to
do I never even informed my family.’ I express.

‘Well, I am here now, so if you need
anything,’ she rubs my arm and I smile my thanks.

When I arrive to Tom and Lucy’s on Friday
evening for dinner, I have butterflies fluttering all around my middle. I have
heart burn due to acid and am wishing the day over.  I dress in black leggings
and tunic, but my bump is protruding through, in fact I think I look bigger
than when I wear white!

‘Do you want a drink or some sort?’ Tom
asks gently.

‘No, I have goddam awful acid and heartburn,’
I grouch.

‘Try to eat something,’ Lucy calls over the
table.

‘I can’t Luce,’ tears are forming in my
eyes, ‘god pregnancy makes you cry all the time!’

‘Come on Em,’ Tom instructs, ‘what is the
worst that can happen?  If he isn’t interested then at least you have given him
the opportunity, you have us.’ He reminds me.

‘It isn’t the fact that he may not be
interested, that I am concerned about,’ I raise my eyes to Tom and he nods his
understanding, I am more worried about Matt wanting to be involved.

I am sitting in the living room feeling
like I am on death row as the doorbell chimes.

‘Oh god,’ I call, ‘I think I am going to be
sick,’ and I run to the cloakroom emptying the small contents of my stomach. I
hear voices enter the hallway and wipe my mouth.

‘Em, let me in,’ Lucy calls, and I open the
door.

‘Just give me a minute,’ I tell her, as I
breathe deeply. I feel the baby kick, ‘not now son,’ I call down.

‘Can I feel?’ Lucy asks, her eyes
saucer-like with wonder.

‘Of course,’ I attempt a smile, placing her
hand on the area in question.

‘Oh wow, she has tears in her eyes, ‘I am
going to be the best auntie.’

‘Yes, you are,’ I hug her, and she moves
away.

‘You smell of vomit, go up and use some
mouthwash or something.’ She informs me in only a sister can.

‘Gee, thanks sis.’ I grimace, moving up to
the bathroom.

I enter the living area and Matt is
standing there appearing all handsome in a suit, he has obviously had a meeting
somewhere.  He turns as I enter and seems surprised to find me there, ‘hey!’ he
calls, his warm gaze moving automatically to my bump.

‘Hi,’ I flush, aware of Lucy and Tom
watching the interaction.

‘How are you?’ he enquires.

‘Not too good today, I just threw up,’ I
smile weakly.

He shakes his head and turns to Tom, ‘she
shouldn’t be doing this, I am sorry I know it isn’t my place.’

‘Do you want us to go Em?’ Tom asks calmly,
and my eyes find Matts as he frowns over at me.

‘What is it Emily?’ he gentles.

‘It is your baby, Matt.’ I blurt out.

‘What do you mean?’ he looks confused and
who can blame him, ‘it’s Tom and Lucy’s baby.’

‘No it’s not, we decided against the
surrogacy and then I found out I was pregnant.  Tom and Lucy only found out
when you informed Tom we met at the hospital.’ I explain.

‘But we used protection,’ he murmurs
quietly and I notice Tom and Lucy depart the room discreetly.

‘The shower,’ I offer as explanation.

‘Shit! What and you just tell me now, for
fuck sake! So, how far gone are you then?’ he scolds.

‘Six months,’ I whisper.

‘Are you kidding me?’ he is doing the
pacing thing and the only thing that crosses my mind at the moment is, I wonder
if all men do that when they are stressed, ‘so who knows?’ he probes angrily.

‘Up until a couple of days ago, no one - no
one knew until I bumped into you at the hospital,’ I assure him.

‘Not even Lucy?’ he prompts, his hazel eyes
blurred with stress.

‘No, I thought she would find it too
painful, you know, with the infertility thing.’

‘So, even though it meant you facing it
alone, you are still protecting Lucy? Tell me Emily, did my feelings not
feature in the equation here or the fact that I may want to be involved with my
baby?’ his voice is filled with ice.

I would have previously said,
No not
really
here, but I have been practicing applying my filter, so I remain
silent.

‘Obviously not!’ he blows out a breath, his
eyes penetrating my bump before something lights in his eyes, ‘a son,’ he
murmurs, ‘so, it’s a boy.’

‘Yes,’ I confirm. ‘I don’t expect anything
from you Matt, I just agree with Tom that you should be informed.  I wanted to
tell you at the hospital but was a bit surprised to find you there.’

‘What do you mean?  I am the father, so I
will be playing a part in his life, of that you can be assured!’ he instructs
me harshly.

‘Ok, I am just saying,’ I snap, and he looks
up at me sharply.

Oh no Emily, you don’t get to be pissed
here, or set the ground rules anymore.  My baby, my terms,’ he informs me
sternly.

‘No! My baby, my terms, thank you.’ I growl,
‘you don’t get to fly down and act the concerned father.  I have been
struggling for the past few months alone, feeling like crap….’ I stop as I feel
my emotions running away with me.

‘Well, if I had been informed I would have
flown down a lot sooner, I guarantee it!’ he snaps back.

Tom and Lucy appear at the door, ‘not to
interfere, but why don’t we sit down before Emily falls down and talk about
this logically.’ Tom announces as Lucy pulls me towards the sofa handing me a
peppermint tea.

‘That will stop you feeling sick,’ she
tells me and I sip it gratefully, it is only anxiety that is creating this
heart burn, I am sure.

Matt accepts the brandy that Tom has handed
him and takes a mouthful observing me from the other side of the room.  His
handsome hazel eyes are moving over me with concern, he looks tired.

‘How is your mum?’ I probe.

‘Not bad, this news may perk her up a bit,
she’s a bit down, her hair has fallen out,’ he mumbles distractedly.

‘Oh, I am sorry.’ I murmur.

‘I am sorry too.’ Lucy adds.

‘Listen Matt, why don’t you go home and
sleep on it, absorb the information and speak to Emily tomorrow.’ Tom suggests.

He nods as if he agrees before adding, ‘how
the hell did you two not notice she was pregnant?’

‘We haven’t seen her in a few weeks, she is
so busy with work,’ Lucy volunteers the information defensively, ‘obviously, we
now know why she was too busy, but the last time we saw her she had baggy
clothes on.’

‘But she lives practically in your front
garden,’ he glances at Lucy.

‘She moved out five months ago,’ Tom
answers.

‘Where do you live now?’ his eyes find mine.

‘In the city,’ I mumble.

‘So you really have been alone,’ he looks
furious again, so I refuse to answer.

I sleep better than I have in months that
night, waking at nine o clock to my intercom buzzer.  I climb out of bed
disorientated moving to the intercom phone.

‘Hello,’ I croak.

‘Hi, let me in Emily,’ oh shit. I gave Matt
my address last night after he insisted he needed to know where his son was,
despite his son still being inside his mother. I didn’t quite realize he would
use it so soon.  I press the buzzer and yawn, opening the door, before walking
into the bathroom and taking a quick pee.  I wash my hands and exit the
bathroom as a tap appears on the door and it opens, I walk directly into the
kitchen ignoring him as I switch the kettle on.

‘Not a morning person these days?’ he
checks out my short pajamas and vest top, ‘your boobs are ginormous!’ he
states.

‘Thank you,’ I yawn again, running a hand
over my face, ‘all the better to feed your son with.’ I collect two cups and
make us a tea.  ‘Why are you here Matt?’ I ask.

‘Because we have arrangements to make,’ he
takes both cups and puts them on the coffee table in front of the sofa.  ‘Why
did you move?’

‘To give Tom and Lucy a chance,’ I lay back
before suddenly becoming aware of my attire, ‘I need my robe.’

‘Relax, I have seen the goods remember. You
look tired,’ he announces.

‘It has been a stressful week,’ I turn to
the side to observe him, ‘I am sorry I didn’t tell you, I panicked.’

He sighs leaning his head back turning it
in my direction, ‘Why didn’t you? What did you contemplate would happen, you
was alone anyway?’ he shrugs, ‘you should have had trust in me.’

I run my hand over my abdomen as the baby
moves.

‘Can I feel?’ Matt asks quietly.

I frown over to him for a minute why does
everyone suddenly feel it is ok to touch me now?  He doesn’t want to touch you,
he wants to bond with his baby, I remind myself. ‘I suppose,’ I take his hand
and place it over the spot, but the baby stops.  ‘Hold on it will start again
in a minute.’

I suddenly become aware of the heat from
Matt’s hand and move it away, ‘I will tell you when he does it again.’

‘I informed my mum this morning that she is
going to be a grandma and she would like to meet you.’ he utters confidently.

‘She doesn’t need to meet me, Matt,’ I
inform him immediately.

‘Why not?’

‘Well, because it is the baby she will want
to meet, not me, I don’t feature in her life at all.’

‘Regardless, she wishes to meet the mother
of her grandson.  I informed her we would go and visit this morning,’ he is
being stubborn.

‘Matt, I am not good with people, you know
that!’ I attempt to be reasonable.

‘She needs this at the moment Emily, this
isn’t about you, you go shower and dress and I will make you breakfast,’ he
stands moving to the kitchen.