All of me (15 page)

‘Look Matt,’ I begin and he puts his finger
to my lips.

‘Don’t spoil the moment, Emily.’ He warns
as he turns me and drops his head down to my breasts circling his tongue around
my nipple.

‘I wouldn’t be sucking on them too hard,’ I
warn, ‘you may get more than you bargained for.’

He grins up at me, ‘really! What already?’

I nod slightly embarrassed and move
backwards, but he pulls me back, ‘this is so sexy,’ he sucks on my nipple and I
gasp, ‘god yeah,’ he mutters before moving over to the other side.

‘Ok, you have made your point.’ I gasp, my
face flushing with embarrassment.

‘This is going to keep my son occupied for
the first few months,’ he chuckles and I suppress a grin despite my turned on
state.  He moves his hand down and strokes my core, ‘always so wet for me Emily,’
I hear the lust in his voice and nearly stop breathing, he lifts me onto the
vanity unit opening my legs.  With his eyes on mine, he walks towards me and
enters me swiftly and I cry out, ‘we can do both Emily fast, and slow,’ he
groans as he thrusts in and out deeply, I lean back happy that I have what I
want as he pounds into me.

‘When is your next appointment at the
hospital?’ We are eating a stir fry that Matt insisted on cooking after our
bedroom/bathroom antics.

‘Couple of weeks, why?’ I stop chewing and
send him a dark look.

‘Because I will be attending, of course,’
his eyes dare me to forbid him, our eyes lock brown against hazel, before I
relent.

‘I will let you know the date,’ I continue
eating.

‘As you are feeling so reasonable now you
are….more relaxed, shall we say?  Let us discuss you moving into my house.’

‘Never going to happen,’ I caution, ‘you
can screw me until Christmas, I am never going to concede on this.’

‘Well, I intend to, but it will happen, why
are you so against it Emily?’ he is so stubborn.

‘Matt, I am pregnant with your baby, but we
aren’t together.’ I remind him.

‘Yes we are, what exactly are we then tell
me?’ he questions.

I shrug, ‘you are only here because of the
baby.’

‘No Emily I am not. I always intended to
get you back the baby is an added bonus.’ What? That is news to me!

‘There you go again, you cannot get back
what was never yours.  Let’s face it, we had sex a few times.’ I remind him and
something flinches in his eyes.

‘Label it what you will, I know what it was,’
he stands and places his plate on the side.  I have hurt him and I feel my
stomach lurch, I don’t wish to upset him.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, my filter
doesn’t always work.’ I murmur.

‘Filter! You mean you have one?’ he
chuckles sarcastically, ‘let me know the date of the hospital visit,’ grabbing
his things, he exits the flat.

I flop down on the sofa and feel awful, why
is my mouth so sharp?  I know we shared more than sex, despite the fact I
didn’t want to face it at the time.  These months without him have been awful,
I missed him, not just the sex, but the banter we shared.  I love the way he
ignores my snippy comments or throws one of his own - until now that is, I have
wounded him.

I don’t want him to be mad at me, I need
him to be a dad to our baby, I sigh. Why do I constantly screw things up?

********

I am sitting in Tom and Lucy’s living room
the following weekend after a dreadful week, I have heard nothing from Matt all
week. I have found myself half listening for the intercom every evening
secretly hoping that he will turn up and ignore my sharp mouth, as he has on
numerous occasions previously.

‘How did you screw it up?’ Tom enquires.

I groan, ‘why am I such an awful human
being, how can I be a good mum if I have no idea how to communicate with
people?’

‘You will be a great mum Emily, tell us
what happened,’ Tom assures me as Lucy enters the room and joins us.

‘Your mouth again, is my guess!’ she
mumbles and I send her a filthy look before relaxing.

‘Yes, my mouth,’ I admit.

‘Have you eaten?’ she asks.

‘No. Matt is a good person, why can I not
accept people at face value, why do they always have to prove themselves to me.’
I look to Tom.

‘Because a number of them have let you down
in the past, but Emily you would never of recognized this about yourself a year
ago you thought it was everyone else that owned the problem, so we are making
progress here.’ Tom insists.

‘Sorry to load this on you two. I swore I
wouldn’t involve you in any of this,’ I flicker a glance at Tom and Lucy.

‘Why not, I keep telling you we are your
family, it is what we do,’ Tom scolds angrily.

‘Ok, don’t you get mad with me too?’

‘Why is Matt mad with you, about keeping
the baby secret?’ Lucy enquires.

‘No, because I told him we were nothing but
sex,’ I cover my face with my hands.

‘Nice Emily!’ Tom calls, ‘right between the
eyes.’

‘Why would you do that?  You two have so
much more than sex!’ Lucy frowns.

‘He wants me to move into his house, so he can
look after us…. all I did was express that we aren’t a couple so why would I?’
I shrug.

‘He wants to do the right thing and you
basically told him he wasn’t good enough,’ Tom growls, ‘Jesus, Emily.’

‘No! I would never have said that! The
thing is we had just …..’ I am embarrassed to admit this in front of Tom.

‘Please don’t tell me you had just got out
of bed!’ Tom stands and paces, my eyes find Lucy’s and she shakes her head in
frustration at me.

‘Ok, so I fucked up again. I realize that
now!’ I stand rubbing my bump moving to the French doors, overlooking the
garden.

********

Matt turns the ignition off and glances
over at Tom and Lucy’s house, he had noticed Emily’s car sitting in the drive. 
He sighs in frustration, he has no idea how to handle this situation all he
knows is that he doesn’t wish to be a weekend dad he wants Emily.  This week
has been the most difficult he has ever faced, when Emily left him to become a
surrogate he could justify her actions as purely selflessness and only hope
that when she had done her duty, carrying her sister’s baby, that they could
rekindle their relationship.  When she snarled that all they had was sex a
couple of times, it had unexpectedly sent a piercing pain through his chest. 

All week he had lay in his bed attempting
to put things into perspective and resign himself to the fact that he could
still be a good dad and play a major part in his sons’ life from afar, but it
felt wrong.  What felt right was waking to the most beautiful woman he had ever
laid eyes on, whose doe-like eyes regarded him cautiously, yet melted him as he
entered her voluptuous body.  He wanted her permanently, he wanted no other man
to touch her the way he did the thought alone sent possessive anger surging
through his gut….she belonged to him!

He had text Tom to ask him to keep an eye
on Emily early on during the week and to inform him of any problems, Tom had
text thirty minutes ago to update him that she was at his and Lucy’s and was
upset about their argument last week. 

Matt sighed, why was he even here?

********

Inside the house, Tom’s phone buzzes and
Emily watches as he moves out of the room to answer it.

 ‘I fucked up,’ I murmur to Lucy who appears
beside me, her arm wrapped across my shoulders.

‘Why do you continue to fight so much, we
don’t have to do it anymore Em, no one can hurt us we are adults, we are in
control of our own destiny?’

‘I know, I mutter moving her hand to my
bump where the baby is kicking, her face lights up immediately.

‘Do you think he will be a footballer? Have
you thought of names?’ she gushes.

‘I think we will probably name him after
Matt’s granddad, but I don’t know his name and I cannot see him informing me of
it anytime soon.  He meant a lot to Matt, a father figure.’

‘George,’ a familiar voice calls and I turn
around to find Matt standing in the doorway, his eyes wary.  Tom follows him in
and takes Lucy’s hand, leading her to the kitchen.

‘How did you know where I was?’ I speak
calmly.

‘Tom text me when you arrived,’ he is still
mad.

‘I am sorry Matt. I really didn’t mean what
I said,’ I express sorrowfully, my eyes pleading with his.

‘Then why did you say it?’ he probes.

‘The best form of defense is attack?’ I
murmur, moving my eyes down to the floor. 

He remains quiet.  I risk a glance up and
his eyes are on my stomach which is rippling.  I move closer to him and take
his hand placing it on my bump, ‘Lucy thinks he is going to be a footballer.’ I
smile.

‘No, he will be a rugby boy,’ he smiles
lightly.

‘What do you think about George?’ I tempt,
‘George, Matthew?’

‘Sounds good,’ he nods his eyes emotional.

I reach up, ‘I am sorry,’ I kiss him gently
on his lips, his eyes remain wary for a moment before he pulls me into him
leaning his head on the top of mine, ‘I have feelings too,’ he reminds me.

‘I realize that, I am really sorry.  It has
been a coping mechanism for so long,’ I confide.

He nods in understanding, ‘I know.’

‘Am I going to screw our baby up?’ I
express my worst fear out loud.

‘No, because I won’t allow it and I will be
there Emily, every step of the way, whether you like it or not.’

‘I am scared,’ I admit.

‘Me too,’ he squeezes me, ‘all we have to
do is love him, and show him right from wrong.’

********

We are standing at the door as I hug Lucy
and Tom, ‘thank you Tom,’ I hug him tight, ‘you are the best brother,’ I have
tears in my eyes and he kisses my cheek, ‘don’t you forget it!’

‘Call me tomorrow,’ Lucy whispers, ‘don’t
let our past define your future Emily, we deserve good things.’

I nod as we turn away, ‘Ready?’ I glance up
to Matt.

Matt shakes hands with Tom and kisses Lucy,
‘thank you,’ he nods at them before opening the passenger door to his BMW,
ushering me in.

‘I have my car,’ I point to my red Corsa.

‘In Emily,’ he instructs mildly and I sigh
as I get in, ‘where’s the Porsche anyway?’

‘It’s too low for you to get in and out of,’
he settles next to me before pulling away.

‘You are so thoughtful,’ I mumble, feeling regretful
for upsetting him so.

We pull up outside his house and I risk a
glance at him, ‘don’t panic,’ he instructs me, moving around to my side of the
car and helping me out.

We enter the large hallway moving directly
into the kitchen, my hand moves over the wooden table and I grin as Matt
catches my thought and throws a devilish grin my way.

‘Rerun?’ he offers.

‘Don’t think it would take my weight these
days,’ I tease, I suddenly feel shy and uncertain and take a deep breath.

‘Are you tired?’ he is regarding me
intently.

‘Yes,’ I admit, I am exhausted, ‘I haven’t
slept much, I haven’t eaten either,’ I test a glance to him.

‘Come and sit in the Lounge, I will make
you some tea and cheese on toast.’

‘Sounds good,’ I smile and allow him to
lead me into the huge lounge, where an inglenook fireplace features in the
center of the room. ‘That is fantastic,’ I point to the fireplace.

‘Shall I light it?’ he suggests.

‘That would be charming, it really is a
lovely house,’ I take off my jacket and kick off my shoes, the huge sofas look
so comfy, I sit back bringing up my legs resting my head back on a cushion.
Matt busies himself with the fire and before long the flames are flickering. In
a matter of minutes, my eyelids droop sending me into a hypnotic sleep.

If I didn’t need to pee, I would have slept
through the night I am sure, I am so comfortable. Matt had placed a throw over
me and the fire was still flickering.  I sit up and notice that Matt is next to
me in the opposite corner on his laptop.

‘Hey, you ok?’ he smiles.

‘Need the bathroom,’ I reply groggily as I stand,
‘is there one down here?’ I had only been in the kitchen and bedroom on my
previous visit.

‘Yes opposite, when you wake up, I will
give you a tour.’ He promises.

I visit the downstairs cloakroom, which is
the size of my bathroom in my flat, before joining Matt back in the lounge.

‘You slept for hours,’ he murmurs, ‘are you
sure you aren’t overdoing it?’

‘No, that’s normal,’ I smile, as I sit back
down, ‘this sofa is the most comfortable place in the world.’

‘Put your feet up,’ he instructs and he grasps
them, stroking them on his lap, ‘you want that cheese on toast?’